The Charges Against Clemens

Banh Men, Coconut Cookies: Of Taste in which Enhanced Odor is Likened

After getting fingered for taking photos at the Chinese Buffet, we went over to the Chinese Grocery to see if anything new was in stock. I didn’t find anything, but our hero Erik located and purchased these Banh Men, Coconut Cookies.


I wasn’t very excited about the prospect of “Erik Eats” with this product. Half of the surprise is seeing what is inside the container. This container is clear plastic and the somewhat maggot shaped cookies were visibly apparent.

A closer look reveals that the cookies look a lot like maggots!


Here's a close up of a cookie in my hand.


And a photo of a maggot from the internet thanks to the fine folks at dragonflypower.com.


And now a closer look at that cookie in my hand again.


The photo on the front of the container shows that the cookies should be served with pickled fish eggs and goat's milk cottage cheese.


We didn't have any of those other accoutrements, so we moved on to the taste testing. Erik opened the container and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT STINK!

The stank that belched from the jar is an ungodly combination of bitter vomit and rotting, wet pancake shoes. There is not one ounce of coconut smell. Here are a few photos of folks smelling the Coconut Cookie open container:

Erik


HolyJuan


Stephanie avoids


Andy is tricked!


Once Erik finally got up the nerve, he ate one of the devil's cookies.




The taste is the exact same as the smell except that the smell wafts away in a few seconds and the thick, smegma paste lingers in one's mouth for minutes. It is horrible and disgusting.

And for fun, Erik stuck a few in my coffee cup and for the life of me I cannot scrub the nastiness of the horrid stink out of my cup.


I'll get him next week when we taste test: Bo Chi Dushu, Fetal Pig Uterus.

How not to get laid

If you are trying not to get laid, here are some tips. For this lesson, the prospective non-getting-laid guy’s name is Carl. (Sorry Carls.)

Step One: Do not say drink in the invitation
Most the time a woman wants to get a drink, she wants to lose her ability to think reasonably and to forget how to keep her pants on. Instead, invite Carl out for lunch or early dinner. Lunch is a definite boner bender. Early dinner suggests you’ve got other people to bang later. I’m not saying you can’t get a drink when you are out, just don’t suggest it in the invite.

Step Two: Call it a meeting
Meetings suck the life out of anyone. No one gets laid at a meeting. When you invite Carl to lunch, say you want to discuss a specific topic that does not include ex-boyfriends. Architecture and retirement are great topics to keep Carl from boning up. Again, you don’t have to discuss that at lunch, but it will keep Carl’s expectations at a bare minimum.

Step Three: Schedule a gynecologist visit right before your meeting
You are weak and might fuck Carl despite your attempt to con me into thinking you don’t want to. As a back up, schedule a Pap or a regular gyno visit right before your meeting with Carl. This will destroy any chance of you wanting to get busy. Ensure you mention that you are late to the lunch because of the gyno appointment and, for added realism, let a speculum fall out of your purse and on to the table. Follow that up with a, “So that’s where that went.”

Step Four: Order Wings
Wings are greasy, disgusting and delicious. A chick eating wings is hot only is she is eating them off your chest during sex. Watching you suck down twelve, greasy wings will turn Carl off. If he starts to get excited watching you lick the sauce off your fingers, remember to mention that wings give you the shits.

Step Five: Burning Itch
Scratch a lot. Complain of burning while you pee. Ask Carl what has been happening in local politics since you’ve been overseas in Thailand.

Step Six: Dutch
Splitting the bill is the universal sign that no one is getting laid. If Carl insists on paying, wait until he hands the waiter his credit card and say your good-bye, insisting that you are about to have a blow-out from the wings tearing through your intestines. If he pays in cash and tells the waiter to keep the change, ask him in a loud voice how his counterfeiting operation is doing. Sneak out when the manager comes to the table.

Step Seven: Fuck him
Oh well. At least you gave it your best shot.

You take picture?

During lunch at our local Asian Buffet, we noticed a curious dish labeled “Marinated Steak.” Foods with the word steak in them have to be good. As a matter of fact, this dish is SO good that the management took the time to write, “For Customer Only” on the label. This dish is SO delicious that the employees are banned from eating it!

I thought I would take a photo of the sign to share with you. I borrowed Heather’s cell camera because mine sucks Sweet and Sour Chicken Balls. I walked up to take the photo and the only folks at the buffet were three people that work there. Two were loading up plates (but not with Marinated Steak!) and one was cleaning. I did not want to take the photo with anyone watching so I pretended like I was going back for fifths without a plate and a phone in my hand. The old man filling his plate seemed to be looking at me so I stuffed the phone in my pocket and checked out the desert trough. When I thought he was gone, I pulled out the unfamiliar camera, fumbled with it for a second and took this outrageously horrible shot.


I went back to the table, sat down and gave Heather back her camera.

“Excuse me sir?”

It was the Hostess. “Excuse me sir, my boss says you take picture.”

Fumbling words, “Um, yeah I did.”

“He wants to know why you take picture.”

“For my website.”

“What?”

“For my WEBSITE.” (When someone doesn’t understand you, speak louder.)

“What??”

I translated, “For my REB-SRITE.”

“Oh, you have brog?”

{AUTHOR’S NOTE – I just made that few lines up. Let me continue back where I started lying.}

It was the Hostess. “Excuse me sir, my boss says you take picture.”

Fumbling words, “Um, yeah I did.”

“He wants to know why you take picture.”

“I think that sign that says “For Customer Only” is funny. I can erase the photo if you want.”

“No. It’s OK. He just want to know why you take picture.”

She left. We paid. We left.

My co-workers said they would kill me if we all got banned. No Marinated Steak for you!

How to show up late to work, leave early and get away with it.

It’s easy to show up late to work and leave early if you follow these simple tips.

Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.

Clandestine Closet
You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang you jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.

Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you’ve beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting.

Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring
If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands. You multi-tasker you!

Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some letterhead and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.

Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if any one has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”

Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake e-mail that makes it look like your e-mail was bounced back to the sender. Something like:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your e-mail address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.

Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every e-mail, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.

Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor.

The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.

Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.

Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.

Freckled Jen to the rescue for the Erik Eats segments

We've done two "Erik Eats" segments where our hero Erik eats foods from Japan. Every Burger and Gummy Choco.

We had pretty much utilized all the fun stuff at the Chinese grocery store and were going to move on to eels when Freckled Jen sent me this photo from the North Market.


Looks like Erik's got a full menu to taste!!

As a bonus, here is a photo of Jen's sister Michelle at CD101 as their Guest DJ.

10 Movies that Make a Manly Man Cry

Though my manliness boils from my pores like a dropped bottle of Old Rasputin, I have my moments of weakness where I cry like a little girl. It used to only be during AT&T long distance commercials, but now I have a list of movies that cause me to weep.

Rudy
No real man doesn’t tear up when the team places their jerseys on coach’s desk or openly weep at the end when they carry Rudy off the field.

Big Fish
The first time I watched Big Fish, I cried at the ending. Now when I watch the film, I cry at the beginning, knowing how it will end. Afterwards, I drink tea and cuddle up in an afghan with a good book, waiting for my menses to begin.

Field of Dreams
“Hey! Dad? You want to have a catch?” I’m tearing up just writing that line. (I'm still waiting for James Earl Jones to come out of the cornfield.)

Terms of Endearment
I haven’t seen this flick in years, but I recently caught the end and had to turn it off when the mom lays down The Truth on the kids. I love the part when Mom’s Mom flips out at the nurses for the daughter’s pain medication. "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"

Gallipoli
Mel Gibson runs and runs to try and save his childhood friend. In the end it is all for naught. “How fast are you going to run?” Not fast enough. Now that I know I’m going to cry at the end, I get choked up at the rendition of "Au Fond du Temple Saint" in the middle.

My Girl
Macaulay Culkin gets killed by bees. Little Vada wants to put his glasses on. He was going to be an acrobat.

Mask
Rocky dead in bed is heartbreaking. SPOILER WARNING! That first sentence is kinda a spoiler. Don’t read it if you have not seen the film.

Ordinary People
I love Mary Tyler Moore in this film. She is drowned in her own selfish grief. Older bro is just drowned.

Good Will Hunting
Obviously films with psychologists and troubled sons get me all verklempt.

Highlander II: The Quickening
I cried only because this movie was completely and utterly horrible. I will never think about this movie again unless I am being anally raped in prison and need to imagine that somewhere in the world, someone is watching that appalling movie and doing worse than me.

BONUS MAN CRY FILMS
Saving Private Ryan
A Perfect World
Braveheart

Greg and Dad - Stormtrooper Practical Joke

For some reason, it's good to see that Handicapped people can be pricks, too.

nice..., originally uploaded by msmail.

This photo comes from my buddy Mike in Louisiana. The truck had handicapped plates, but they still parked like complete assholes.

I like it...

Big changes in Cuban voting system

George W Bush endorses McCain

Abstinence Motivational Poster

Hilliary's take on plagiarism

Gummy Choco of taste which smile contains withdrawn

We went to the Chinese Buffet today and ate and ate and ate. Afterwards, we went next door to the Asian Market to buy another product to test on our hero, Erik.

This week's find: Gummy Choco!

Somehow, Muscat worked it's way into the title. Muscat is either a type of grape or a rare form of deer droppings.

Upon opening the canister, we see what seems to be large rabbit droppings or small deer droppings.


Here are some deer droppings for comparison purposes:


Erik seems very interested at this point and uses a combination of yoga and yodeling to restrain his gag reflex.

Erik then fills his gaping maw with the seemingly chocolate lumps.


Let's take a moment to examine the interior of the Gummy Chocos.


Well well well. A sneaky, triple layered combination of tasty chocolate and mystery creme... The internet provided a detailed description of the interior components.

Sadly, only one ingredient showed any possibility of poisoning our hero:


Erik managed to choke down 32 - 33 of the yummy chunks of deer like feces before reverse swallowing them into a garbage container unit.


Great job Erik!

Next Week: Spicy, Sweet Ovary Lollipop

Dave does drugs in front of impressionable young children

Unbelievable! Dave is an upstanding member of the community and then this...


...of course, I am talking about the hairstyle.

Liz and Hugh's Baby

Congrats to Hugh and Liz and the birth of their son, Sam.!!

For some reason I was drawn to this photo of the baby.

The difference between Clinton and Obama

Will the torture stop with Castro gone?

Ask HolyJuan: Is sex for 30 days straight a good idea?

Dear HolyJuan,

I am hesitant to ask this question, mainly because I know I will get a smart ass answer and secondly because I know I will get a smart ass answer. But here it goes:

A local church here in Tampa is marketing or promoting a "30 Day of Sex" campaign where married parishioners are asked to have sex every day for 30 days and unmarried parishioners are asked to not have sex for 30 days. Somehow this is supposed to help both types of relationships.

Do you feel that this is a positive campaign or is the church just trying to get in the headlines?

Signed,

Chris



Dear Chris,

First off Chris, every single one of my “Ask HolyJuan” answers is carefully crafted to contain relevant content and appropriate language. That being said, here is your smart ass answer.

The answer to all questions church related is to ask yourself, “What Would HolyJuan Do?” Well, shit… I guess that’s what you did by asking me this question in the first place. We’ve got the first part down!

I believe that this is just awful. When I think back to all the times I was in chuch as a child and when I look around in that memory, I see a lot of ugly couples. Now, throw on top of that the thought that when those two really ugly and wrinkly old people woke up that morning, the second thing they did after choking down the day’s pills was to create a sweaty, wrinkle pile. A throbbing mass of liver spotted flesh, writhing in and about itself. The thought of that makes me sick.

The last time I tried something similar to this 30 day sex marathon, it was with gummie bears. My folks gave me what I thought was the greatest gift in the world: a five pound bag of gummie bears. I immediately tore into the bag and that sweet, plastic smell sent me into an eating frenzy. I ate and ate. I paused for an hour and ate again. At first I thought that I couldn’t get sick of them. After two days I did, but I could not stop eating. I’d pass the bag in my room and almost gag, but somehow I’d be popping them in my mouth. I was disgusted with myself, but ate my way through it.

I finished off the bag in about four days. Three weeks later, I finally was able to take a crap and the toilet bowl was filled with Technicolor swirls and streaks. The bathroom smelled like a strip club.

Was I happy? Did over indulgence set me straight? Did I respect the gummie bears more after I stuffed my gullet with them? Did the part about the toilet make you about gag?

So where was I? The moral to the story is that if you can con your spouse into having sex with you for 30 days in a row…. Great! If you can’t, change religions to the one advertised in Tampa or start your own religion and force your spouse to have sex with you. If all that fails… I suggest masturbating to the “casual encounters” photos on Craig’s List. At least someone is getting it.

Yours,

HolyJuan

$7000 is cheap!

I just read the following on CNN concerning the assassination of Benazir Bhutto:

“Pakistani Taliban commander Baitullah Mehsud paid out more than $7,000, including money to purchase suicide jackets, for the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the chief Pakistani investigator said Sunday.”

All it took was $7K to kill her? By the most conservative figures we are spending about $150 million a day in Iraq. Using those figures, if we hired these guys to do the job, we could assassinate, I mean, rectify 21,428.5 terrorists a day!! Why hasn’t anyone at the Pentagon thought about this a little more? Instead of fighting the Taliban and Al Qaeda, we should hire them. They seem to be able to finish the job. They are equal opportunity as they have men and women do their work. I saw recently they also have started an on-the-job-training program for the mentally handicapped.

Now here’s the genius in all this… by having the Taliban and Al Qaeda do this with suicide bombing, we are taking out two for the price of one. And on top of all that, with all the bad public relations that they get from blowing up shit, their membership will decrease!

As a bonus, we’ll sell our overseas connections the bomb making supplies and vests for re-sale to the “Freedom Bombers.” This will drop our operating costs by 10 – 15%.

By my math, we could end this whole war on terrorism thing in about sixteen days with a little more than 2 billion dollars. Once we run out of terrorists, I’m sure we’ll breathe a sigh of relief and start poking around for other people to start spreading a thick coating of Democracy on.

Jesus Candy

My wife works at a pre-school. They have events for the kids and sometimes purchase novelty items and decorations concurrent with the theme. There are several vendors that supply these cheap trinkets, baubles and colorful decorations.

One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.



Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.

The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.



Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:

“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."

That cleared up everything…

Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.



“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:



WHAT THE HELL!

RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”

BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.

Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?

Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?

What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?

These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.

In case you want to place an order:

Jesus Footprints

Jellybeans of the Apocalypse

Greg and Dad: Rancor and son

Meat Mountain Makes Miss Sally Sick

(Click to enlarge)

Miss Sally saw this ad in a parenting magazine. She said it grossed her out.

Now that I keep looking at it, it's starting to gross me out, too.

"This time, we didn't forget the gravy."

Mister! Mister!!

For three years I traveled with science museum exhibit, performing demonstrations and assisting guests with the sports related interactive exhibits. A school group excitedly poured into the exhibit one morning and I was swamped with kids wanting to spin like a skater on the angular momentum machine. This requires a bit of attention to the child spinning and I was only able to help one person at a time.

One boy was very excited and from behind me yelled, “Mister! Mister! Look at this!”

I turned my head and replied, “Just a second while I finish with this guest!”

He continued, “Mister! Mister! Come here and look at this!”

I ever so tactfully replied over my shoulder, “Just a second please.”

He ramped up a decibel or two, “Misterrrrrrrrr! Look! Look!”

I stopped the spinning guest and turned to confront the rambunctious child when a teacher walked up to the boy and said, “What do you want to show me?” Her nametag read, “Miss Derr.”

Ly would shit a brick

Back in 1998, I lugged about a ton of river rock, two hundred pounds at a time, up to the Life exhibit. They were a scenic component that I laid out one stone at a time in the very serene, oval, solid wood floor entrance to the Life exhibit. I remember arguing with Ly that we should epoxy the rocks in place. She didn't think it was necessary. I was more concerned about people kicking or throwing them.

Over time, kicking has been an issue. Throwing has not.

Neither one of us ever saw this coming:


I'm glad we didn't glue the rocks down.

Black Team

We are having a weight loss competition at work. I put out this sign over a tray of fudge that someone had left outside the boardroom.


I'm on the Black Team.

16 Fun Facts You Never Learned in School

Did you know? Pencil lead contains no lead, but lead contains about 12% graphite.

Did you know? 98% of the earth's sand all came from the same mass of sandstone?

Did you know? The moment between when the second hand on a clock ticks from one second to the next is called a trite.

Did you know? The tradition of throwing rice at a wedding was originally an Amish wedding tradition.

Did you know? “x” is the least used letter on the keyboard while “s” is the most. (w is now in second with the advent of the www.)

Did you know? Most lotions contain mayonnaise.

Did you know? Almonds soaked in tuna and then ingested will diminish a man’s sperm count fifteen fold. Those same almonds ingested by a woman will have no effect besides bad breath.

Did you know? 50% of American students are below average while 50% of all Japanese students are above average.

Did you know? The Great Wall of China is hollow and that locals in remote areas use the empty cavities to house sheep and goats.

Did you know? The average house stairway contain 11 steps.

Did you know? Dental floss was originally made of horse hair soaked in bitters.

Did you know? The inventor of Doritos named them after his wife Dorinda, whom he met when she was his parole officer.

Did you know? It takes the largest wheel on a big wheel the same time to spin a full circle as the small wheel.

Did you know? French law requires that the base of a wine glass be the exact same size as the top opening of the glass.

Did you know? 85% of bald people die of a depression related illness.

Did you know? It takes almost 4 hours for blood from your feet to reach your heart. This is why hypothermia strike the toes first.

Actual CNN headline: Roger Clemens Questioned by Lawmakers On Steroids

If you need proof, here are photos of a couple of roid raging lawmakers:

A bulked up Henry Waxman (D-Calif) in an anabolic fit of drug induced anger.



Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) in a complete and utter roid rage.

Vote for #4 please!

My friend Stephanie has entered a design contest. Can you vote for her?

Go to http://www.wwhotv.com/Global/category.asp?C=125471&nav=menu581_4 and use the ballot at the bottom of the page to vote for #4 please.

Thanks!

HolyJuan

No Dive Flags Allowed

No Bombs

You just can't have bombs anywhere these days. The terrorists have won.

Photo Credit: Bill Christman

Poser 101 or How to Think You are Cool for Cheap

Sometimes, being cool is way too expensive. Here are some cheap and easy ways to make it look like you think you know what might actually kinda hip(with associated costs in parenthesis.)

1. In the signature of your e-mails, add a “01+” to the beginning of your phone number to look international. (Cost: Free)

2. Post fake “Missed Connections” about yourself on Craigslist after a night out with your friends. Post anonymously on the internet and e-mail it around to your co-workers. (Cost: Free)

3. Rename all the contacts in your cell phone address book with the names of famous celebrities like Paris Hilton, Fergie, Jay-Z and Rick Springfield. Leave phone out on table in front of friends. Every time phone rings, apologize and say you have to take this call. Note: Delete Heath Ledger. (Cost: free.)

4. Buy a replacement handle for a guitar case. Use the screws to attach some broken wood to the replacement handle. Stagger around the subway with fake blood on your head and tell people you fought off some biker dudes with your guitar case. (Cost: $4.50 for the handle and $1.25 for the Halloween fake blood. $.75 for a guitar pick for added reality.)

5. Mail yourself notes composed of cutout letters from magazines glued to a piece of paper, with no return address. Tell your friends you have a stalker who can't let you go after sleeping with you just one night. (Cost: $29.70 for a year's subscription to Bridal Monthly.)

6. Carry the "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" around with you and let it fall out of your bag at opportune moments. (Cost: Go softcover and you’ll pay $0.01 + $3.99 shipping on Amazon. Do not go uber-cheap and buy a version without the cover from the ½ priced bookstore.)

7. Answering your phone in fake French (Cost: free if you watch enough Monty Python on PBS.)

8. Conduct fake insider-trading cell phone conversations with your "broker", advising him that he’s f’ing crazy to try and dump your Commodore stock. (Cost: free, unless you really did own stock in 1994.)

9. Use multi-colored markers to make several marks on back of hands. Smudge liberally. When people ask, explain you were clubbing until 5:00am in (large city two time zones away.) If they ask for details, say Hef gave you some roofies and you can’t remember much. (Cost: stop by a group of people preparing protest signs and ask to borrow markers.)

10. Keep Euros in your wallet (Cost: With current exchange rates, use three, five euro bills: $21.75)

11. Put $100 dollars worth of quarters into a slot machine. When some impressionable people walk by, hit the payout button and let the coins drop so you sound like a winner. (Cost: free if you borrow the $100 from your parents.)

12. Print out skateboarder stickers from the internet (price: free if you use your roomate’s printer.)

13. Aquire iPod earbuds. Tie clear fishing line around one end. When cool people walk by, make a scene throwing the iPod earbuds in the trash. When people ask you what you are doing, explain how much the iPods sux and that you are buying a pair of Sennheiser Mx W1s. Use fishing line to pull out earbuds from trash and wait till more cool people walk by to repeat. (Cost: earbuds are free if you look in the trash after actual cool people have thrown theirs out. Fishing line is free down by the river if you are good with knots.)

Has God told Huckabee that McCain won’t make it to the Republican National Convention?

Huckabee knows something that mathematicians and most everyone else does not. In a surprising announcement this morning on MSNBC, Mike Huckabee stated that even though it is mathematically improbable for him to win the Republican nomination, he is going to continue on campaigning because “something could happen to John McCain” between now and the Republican National Convention. What is that something? McCain could drop the F bomb or call Obama a pineapple chucker. But what we all know he means is that McCain could have a stroke or drop dead any minute.

And how would Huckabee get this information? God told him.

In Huckabee’s twice daily (and three times on the Sabbath) conversations with God, he probably asks God if he should continue his campai