The next False Idol is...



All right people! Calm down! I know it's Easter, but don't get your baskets all interwoven... I was just commenting on two things:
1. If Jesus were persecuted today, don't you think we would do it in an American Idol/reality show type format?
2. I thought the Simon thing was clever... unless you don't know the fifth station of the cross. Then it's probably not funny at all.

Greg and Dad: Trip to Pluto

Someone at the NEA has their head on straight

Here is part of an article on Earthquakes from the National Environmental Agency.



I was going to say, "Stupid, like living in an earthquake zone," but that would be ignorant.

Thanks to Rach at symin.blogspot.com/.

Yahoo Feed 2

If you have a feed to Yahoo and received THIS message, leave a comment please.

Thanks,

HJ

Yahoo Feed

If you have a Yahoo feed to holyjuan.com, can you please leave me a message that this feed reached you?

Thanks,

HJ

"Ask HolyJuan" over the phone! – 614-429-4365

Google has a new phone messaging service in beta called http://www.grandcentral.com/ that I signed up for and I’m hoping you can help me test it out. Call me, HolyJuan, at 614-429-4365 and leave an Ask HolyJuan question. It’s easy to remember because the number also spells 614-GAY-IDOL.

It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.

When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.

So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.

Thanks,

HJ

Kate's Package Goes through Customs

package 002
Kate has been in Egypt for two weeks and wisely sent some stuff home via FedEx.

Sadly, they went through the box at customs and removed some "illegal" items.

I'm sure it was the the camel's milk cheese.

Rat Trap Observations

I was at the local grocery store and upon exiting, noticed a large, fake rock sitting in front of the building. It was clearly a trap of some kind and created to look like a rock to fit in the natural surroundings and hide its intent to trap and kill rats and other large vermin.


Obviously, the manager of the store bought the rock thinking that it would look better than the standard, black box of death. Sadly the “rock” placement did not conceal the intent in the middle of a concrete sidewalk.



Greg and I were on our way to the Arnold Classic and I saw the perfect spot for the rock trap right next to a resturant. You’d never know the rat trap was there! But of course, neither would the chef.


What this is all boiling down to is while I was researching the rat trap, I found this walk in freezer, sticky mouse trap product:
catchmasterpolar

I have three observations:

One: You think the first mouse to get stuck would have told the others that they might want to stay the fuck back.

Two: The next mouse that gets caught on this trap is going to have to search pretty hard for a spot. I think there some space in the back to the right, but someone is going to need to scooch over a bit.

Three: I don’t know about you, but those mice look pretty content. It actually looks pretty comfy.

But now that I’ve made three observations, I’ll make a few more low resolution observations.

Low Resolution Oservation #1: How the heck did this mouse get in the middle?
middle

I assume that the material in the trap is sticky. Really sticky. How did this guy get in the center without getting stuck? I assume he had to climb over his buddy who wouldn’t move out of the way in the first place.

Low Resolution Observation #2: Mice don’t walk backwards.
Look at this sonofabitch. He didn’t walk backwards on to the trap, so I assume he crawled over Buddy #1 and Buddy #2 and then got stuck.
double-jump

And this guy did the same freaking thing!
double-jump-2

Final Observation: If you find yourself with a trap with this many mice in it, I think you should be doing a bit more than putting a sticky piece of plastic in your walk in freezer.

And as a bonus, a photo of me letting a rat eat out of my mouth.

Hard Working Sperm

How much did it snow last night?

Fungus of crunchy tongue with delicious turning of flavor

After last week’s maggot cookie debacle, we were able to track down a product that combined fungal mystery with chocolate dippery. This week’s Erik Eats product is…


???
Dang. It’s got no name that we can decipher. Plan B is to flip the box over and check out the English Product Information sticker that covers over the actual ingredients with shit the FDA would approve:


Wheat Cracker? Oh well… not as fun as Every Burger, but it will have to do. Erik contemplated the packaging and remembers that last week I screwed him over an made him eat turd cookies.
mushroom cookie 016

He forges ahead...
mushroom cookie 018

Erik opens the box to reveal a single package.
mushroom cookie 019

Oh! The lid has a diagram with some writing.

Let’s contact our close friend and translator, Arata Isozaki.Here is what it says:


Nice!

Erik tears into the package with savageness and love.
mushroom cookie 021

Wow! The cookie looks just like the illustrations on the outside of the package said it would!
mushroom cookie 022

Let’s find out how truthful the packaging really is. Here’s the box with a mushroom cookie.
mushroom cookie 029

Now Erik deftly cuts into one of the cookies.
mushroom cookie 033

A closer look!
mushroom cookie 036

Wow! An exact match! Unbelievable! I almost feel bad about making up the bra removal stuff!

Let’s get on to the tasting.
mushroom cookie 024

Yes?
mushroom cookie 025

Go on!
mushroom cookie 026

It delicious! Sweet. A little salty. A very crunchy!

Great job Erik! Next week: Fecal Butter Chunks

The Real Question is: After Eight Years, Is George Bush Experienced Enough to Be President?

There has been some banter back and forth about Obama’s experience being less than Hillary’s because she had eight years of on the job training, behind the scenes, not baking cookies in the White House. Of course then people ask if Laura Bush is qualified for the Presidency because she has eight years experience, chain smoking at the White House.

The real question should be: Is George Bush experienced enough to be President? He’s got eight years, 9/11, and two wars under his belt. Knowing what we know now, with Bush’s eight years of experience, would anyone, besides the Jesus Crispies, have voted for him in 2000? If they could again in 2008?

Now… how much does “White House experience” matter?

Turning off the Alarm Clock

20 Year Reunion

Holy Shit. I am old.

It's time for our 20 year high school reunion. I'm in charge of getting the cool name tags with the yearbook photos on them. Since I was scanning the year book, I grabbed this photo.


If you are interested, I cut out my hair, part down the middle and all. Print it out and use it on your photos at home!


Kinda like this:
erik-with-my-hair

If you were in my class and need reunion information, drop me and my hair an e-mail at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Idiot



Here's the original photo from http://weblog.sinteur.com/?p=22366

Accidental Racist

I work for a company with a high regard for Team. We call ourselves “Team Members” and everyone refers to everyone else as “Team Members.”

A few weeks ago, a number of folks at work joined in a “The Biggest Loser” competition. We were split up on teams that were named by color. Red, blue, black and so on. I’m on the Black Team. As part of the Black Team, my job is to create viral interference and lay down a steady stream of practical jokes and humorous e-mails, like this sign where I suggest all the teams, except the Black Team, eat free fudge.
free fudge

A few days ago at work, I noticed an empty box sitting on a cabinet in the main hallway in the same place where the free fudge had been. I’m sure just moments before the empty box was filled with sweet goodies, but the team had swooped in and finished off what ever deliciousness the box held. Now it was just an empty box. So I went to my desk and fashioned a sign for the Black Team with an arrow pointing down. The sign said:

CALORIE FREE DREAM NOTHINGNESS CAKES FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS ONLY

I posted it above the empty box and thought that it was a good joke for the Black Team.

I didn’t realize that the sign said “FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS” or how 99% of our employees would read it as “FOR BLACKS ONLY.”

Fortunately, a VP took the sign down about five minutes after I put it up. She knew it was probably my doing and mentioned it to me a few days later.

I. Am. Dumb.

Greg and Dad: The relationship would never work

greg-and-dad-03-01-08