"Cotton candy is alchemy that even a 5 year old boy can understand."
A story (ending) for Dustin
Dustin and I were communicating via e-mail when I said that once he became famous, he should consider me for a role in a film as the perverted married guy gym teacher (or something similar.)
He replied:
I was thinking of you more as the lovable Neo-Nazi captain that dies in the final scene amidst a mass of gunfire, explosions and Hooters girls...but I guess your idea could work, too.
So, here is that movie ending:
Capt. Juan VonDyke, crashed to the floor amidst the chicken bones and greasy napkins, landing hard on his empty ammo belt. The torrent stream of lead from the Guttensprigel slammed into the wood table, its glossy epoxy coating, which for years had deflected beer and magic markered napkins, splintered under the punishing accelerated mass of the overheating weapon. His legs had stopped working after the 10th shot of Southern Comfort, but seemed to want to return to duty as he began to pull himself across the floor.
Raine was also on the floor, her tray covering her head. She saw Capt. Juan VonDyke knocked sideways by the explosion and realized for the first time that she was in love with the lovable Neo-Nazi Captain with much love and stuff. Her love was short lived as she was blown to bits by a blowing up type weapon.
Bits of Raine rained down on VonDyke and a chunk of plastic hit him in the eye. With his good eye, he could see the Hooter’s name tag with the word Raine covered in blood. All the weeks he ordered those shitty wings and drank the piss warm, water down draft beer had done to waste. He stood up and screamed.
Deep in his chest, his waxy, grease coated heart broke.
He replied:
I was thinking of you more as the lovable Neo-Nazi captain that dies in the final scene amidst a mass of gunfire, explosions and Hooters girls...but I guess your idea could work, too.
So, here is that movie ending:
Capt. Juan VonDyke, crashed to the floor amidst the chicken bones and greasy napkins, landing hard on his empty ammo belt. The torrent stream of lead from the Guttensprigel slammed into the wood table, its glossy epoxy coating, which for years had deflected beer and magic markered napkins, splintered under the punishing accelerated mass of the overheating weapon. His legs had stopped working after the 10th shot of Southern Comfort, but seemed to want to return to duty as he began to pull himself across the floor.
Raine was also on the floor, her tray covering her head. She saw Capt. Juan VonDyke knocked sideways by the explosion and realized for the first time that she was in love with the lovable Neo-Nazi Captain with much love and stuff. Her love was short lived as she was blown to bits by a blowing up type weapon.
Bits of Raine rained down on VonDyke and a chunk of plastic hit him in the eye. With his good eye, he could see the Hooter’s name tag with the word Raine covered in blood. All the weeks he ordered those shitty wings and drank the piss warm, water down draft beer had done to waste. He stood up and screamed.
Deep in his chest, his waxy, grease coated heart broke.
The Turtle and the Universe
I read Stephen Whitt’s book “The Turtle and the Universe” because it seemed interesting, but mainly because I work with the guy and I thought I’d throw him a bone. Months ago, while attending a funeral, Steve and I spoke at length about the book writing process and the soon to be published book topic: turtles and science.I like science, but am not a big fan of turtles. They rank about 312th on my list of favorite animals between the
Wow. I was wrong.
This book is as wonderful as it is enlightening. Meant mainly for the middle school science crowd, this book really touched me. A science book!
Someone as simple as me would summarize the book like this: the universe went boom, some carbon when flying willy-nilly, the Earth got sucker punched by the moon, some stuff was bubbling on the sea floor, turtles cry as they abandon their kids on the beach and hopefully humans will get their act together and quit messing with our planet.
Steve, instead, weaves a story using easy to digest science with the heartwarming, if not harsh tale of the sea turtle's life. It is a story about our far away past and our very near future. And it is all brought together in a very understandable way.
It is refreshing to read a book that warns us against ourselves without being preachy. Or explains the origin of life without having to drag out a dictionary. It is a book about sea turtles and science, but that is the head fake; the story is really about you and me.
This book is turtles all the way down.
Please buy it. Read it to your nine year old. I’ve got mine on the shelf for Greg and Ann.
{Buy Steve's book on Amazon.com.}
Erik Eats: World Traveler seeks 7-11 Snack
Erik is hungry. By my calculations, he hasn’t eaten in about four months. Lucky for him, he could use the weight loss.
Erik’s crack team of Food Finders have been very busy flying around the world in search of the perfect food. This week’s adventure takes us to Egypt, the land of the seven headed snake that destroys all by shooting our streams of lava from its gaping maw.
This week’s food for Erik Eats is brought out in a traditional Al’Ecrut, the “Cask of Snack,” in which Egyptian Pharaohs were served a mystery food. Erik has donned a traditional Egyptian necklace or Fraca before opening his snack.
What could this Al’Ecrut hold?
Ah ha! Paprika Pringles!
(They look to be sitting atop a pair of ripped up boxers.)
Pringles were a native snack of Egypt before being brought to the United States in 1919 by refugees of the Egyptian/Cylesian War. Kal ed Mufurssa sold the recipe to Mr. Pringles for 2.3 million dollars. In today’s currency, that would be about $415.
It seems this half can of Pringles was purchased at the Cairo Airport for 30 Egyptian Dollars.
I tried to do the math and failed, so I headed to the internet.
Holy shit! Six bucks for a half can of Pringles? This had better be good.
A closer look at the can reveals that this isn’t just a snack, but rather a savoury snack!
Erik carefully opens the can.
Inside!
Wow. Not bad for a 15,900 mile journey and three cavity searches. (Josh went back for seconds and thirds.)
FUN FACT: Egyptian Pharaohs were buried with fresh potatoes that were held in place by large rocks. Over time, these potatoes dried out and flattened. Grave robbers used to eat these delicious snacks while making off with precious treasure. There were known to rub the potato snack under their arms to make them savoury.
(Is this the freaking Rosetta Stone or what?)
Erik takes a chip and begins to eat…
Wait a minute.. doesn’t Erik look a little bit like Xerxes from the 300 Movie?
No, I'm sorry. I was thinking about the Imhotep character from "The Mummy."
While Erik was being photoshopped, Josh tried the Pringles.
His explosion of excitement is evident.
Steph also tried them and elicited an equally explosive reaction.
Erik's decision about the Paprika Pringles?
Thumbs up, they are delicious!!
And the final test is, of course, checking out if the Pringles can make a duck mouth.
Kiss that mummy curse goodbye because this archeologist is only digging up flavor!
Next Week: A trip to Hapventten Sweeden has chocolate going in one end and chocolate syrup coming out the other.
Erik’s crack team of Food Finders have been very busy flying around the world in search of the perfect food. This week’s adventure takes us to Egypt, the land of the seven headed snake that destroys all by shooting our streams of lava from its gaping maw.
This week’s food for Erik Eats is brought out in a traditional Al’Ecrut, the “Cask of Snack,” in which Egyptian Pharaohs were served a mystery food. Erik has donned a traditional Egyptian necklace or Fraca before opening his snack.
What could this Al’Ecrut hold?
Ah ha! Paprika Pringles!
(They look to be sitting atop a pair of ripped up boxers.)
Pringles were a native snack of Egypt before being brought to the United States in 1919 by refugees of the Egyptian/Cylesian War. Kal ed Mufurssa sold the recipe to Mr. Pringles for 2.3 million dollars. In today’s currency, that would be about $415.
It seems this half can of Pringles was purchased at the Cairo Airport for 30 Egyptian Dollars.
I tried to do the math and failed, so I headed to the internet.
Holy shit! Six bucks for a half can of Pringles? This had better be good.
A closer look at the can reveals that this isn’t just a snack, but rather a savoury snack!
Erik carefully opens the can.
Inside!
Wow. Not bad for a 15,900 mile journey and three cavity searches. (Josh went back for seconds and thirds.)
FUN FACT: Egyptian Pharaohs were buried with fresh potatoes that were held in place by large rocks. Over time, these potatoes dried out and flattened. Grave robbers used to eat these delicious snacks while making off with precious treasure. There were known to rub the potato snack under their arms to make them savoury.
(Is this the freaking Rosetta Stone or what?)
Erik takes a chip and begins to eat…
Wait a minute.. doesn’t Erik look a little bit like Xerxes from the 300 Movie?
No, I'm sorry. I was thinking about the Imhotep character from "The Mummy."
While Erik was being photoshopped, Josh tried the Pringles.
His explosion of excitement is evident.
Steph also tried them and elicited an equally explosive reaction.
Erik's decision about the Paprika Pringles?
Thumbs up, they are delicious!!
And the final test is, of course, checking out if the Pringles can make a duck mouth.
Kiss that mummy curse goodbye because this archeologist is only digging up flavor!
Next Week: A trip to Hapventten Sweeden has chocolate going in one end and chocolate syrup coming out the other.
You won the bet
About eight months ago, I lost a bet to Conny because Ohio State could not put their money where my mouth was. As I am not a welsher on bets, (except the $100 “Hair Past Her Shoulders” bet with Red Head Jen and your long hair is totally worth the $100 so technically I DID pay) I got my $20 together and got it ready to give to Conny.
First I laid out the 20 one dollar bills and taped them together.
With a flip, my canvas was ready.
I added some insults that are very personal to Conny. I made them in the first person so the strippers he gives them to will know a little bit more about my good friend Conny.
My personal favorite:
Here is the complete list of insults:
I like little boys.
My birth certificate is an apology from the condom company.
I like Vista.
McCain is Dreamy
I don’t get “The Office.”
I like anal sex, just don’t choke me so hard.
Kazaam was hilarious.
I then took the canvas apart and stacked them so that his secrets would remain as such. I can imagine a young girl with the stage name "The Librarian" getting a piece of this puzzle and wondering what the mystery message was.
Congratulations Conny! You won the bet!
Double or nothing on the OSU v. OU game?
First I laid out the 20 one dollar bills and taped them together.
With a flip, my canvas was ready.
I added some insults that are very personal to Conny. I made them in the first person so the strippers he gives them to will know a little bit more about my good friend Conny.
My personal favorite:
Here is the complete list of insults:
I like little boys.
My birth certificate is an apology from the condom company.
I like Vista.
McCain is Dreamy
I don’t get “The Office.”
I like anal sex, just don’t choke me so hard.
Kazaam was hilarious.
I then took the canvas apart and stacked them so that his secrets would remain as such. I can imagine a young girl with the stage name "The Librarian" getting a piece of this puzzle and wondering what the mystery message was.
Congratulations Conny! You won the bet!
Double or nothing on the OSU v. OU game?
You're doing a great joerb
I bought the HomeStar Runner T-shirt three years ago for Greg. The smallest size was way too big for him then, so we packed it away.
Last week, I dug it out of the closet. It fits him perfectly.
Last week, I dug it out of the closet. It fits him perfectly.
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