Need Reassurance? Call (614) 429-4365
Do you need reassurance? Call (614) 429-4365 and get some.
Things are going to get better.
Things are going to get better.
El MacGyver
My buddy Keegan saw this handy road worker while passing through a road construction site in New Mexico.
I'm sure that if MacGyver were of Hispanic descent and stuck on a road construction site with nothing but a hard hat, a pizza box and a knife (and the obligatory duct tape), he'd do the same thing if the sun was in his eyes.
I'm sure that if MacGyver were of Hispanic descent and stuck on a road construction site with nothing but a hard hat, a pizza box and a knife (and the obligatory duct tape), he'd do the same thing if the sun was in his eyes.
Quart Percentage
I worked at a Baskin-Robbins store in Lancaster back in the late 80’s. The folks at Baskin-Robbins corporate thought that it would be interesting to have a contest to see which store could sell the most pre-pack quarts of ice cream and tied in 
monetary incentive to ensure that everyone was excited to participate. Our store manager Mike took the bait and set up an in-store contest with all the workers to see who could sell the most quarts.
At the time, I was working about 30-40 hours per week at the store. I would open at 9:00am and work until 5:00pm. I sold a shit load of quarts. Mike kept track of quart sales on a grid and updated it every few days. The entire staff went absolutely out of their way to suggest our customers purchase quarts instead of dipping. It was quite obnoxious.
It was easy to see on the chart that I was way in the lead on quart sales, but Mike had a final column which divided the number of quarts sold by the number of hours worked. When that percentage was factored in, I was in third place. I tried to argue that I worked the slow hours and that quantity should reign, but Mike would have none of that. So I redoubled my efforts and tried to outsell my hours.
In the end, I failed. One of the chicks who worked an average of five hours a week won. There was no prize for second place. Mike said to me, “Sorry, Doug. It’s all about percentages.”
But there was a caramel chocolate crunch lining to the cloud. Mike suggested that if our store won in the region, he would share the wealth. As Mike tallied up the numbers, he saw that we were way ahead in the region. Baskin-Robbins corporate was basing the winner on percentage increase in sales from the previous quarter. By Mike's math, our store was in the lead ahead of all the other stores due to the frenzied sales staff. There was no way we could lose.
Except that we did.
One other Baskin-Robbins store in the region had not sold any pre-packed quarts in the previous quarter. When they finally did sell a few quarts, the fine folks at Baskin-Robbins accounting set their calculators on fire trying to divide by zero. So instead they set the store’s previous quart sales at “1” and you can see that even if they only sold one other quart, their sales would have increased 100%. While our store's sales increased 65% over the quarter, the other store’s sales went up some ungodly percentage because they sold more than one quart. That store was awarded the win and our store was in a distant second place, but there was no prize for second place.
Sorry, Mike. It’s all about percentages.
{Author’s note: Damn right I made up most those numbers. I can’t remember those kind of details from that long ago. The numerical intent is solid. We did get fucked and I did have the most quart sales.}
monetary incentive to ensure that everyone was excited to participate. Our store manager Mike took the bait and set up an in-store contest with all the workers to see who could sell the most quarts. At the time, I was working about 30-40 hours per week at the store. I would open at 9:00am and work until 5:00pm. I sold a shit load of quarts. Mike kept track of quart sales on a grid and updated it every few days. The entire staff went absolutely out of their way to suggest our customers purchase quarts instead of dipping. It was quite obnoxious.
It was easy to see on the chart that I was way in the lead on quart sales, but Mike had a final column which divided the number of quarts sold by the number of hours worked. When that percentage was factored in, I was in third place. I tried to argue that I worked the slow hours and that quantity should reign, but Mike would have none of that. So I redoubled my efforts and tried to outsell my hours.
In the end, I failed. One of the chicks who worked an average of five hours a week won. There was no prize for second place. Mike said to me, “Sorry, Doug. It’s all about percentages.”
But there was a caramel chocolate crunch lining to the cloud. Mike suggested that if our store won in the region, he would share the wealth. As Mike tallied up the numbers, he saw that we were way ahead in the region. Baskin-Robbins corporate was basing the winner on percentage increase in sales from the previous quarter. By Mike's math, our store was in the lead ahead of all the other stores due to the frenzied sales staff. There was no way we could lose.
Except that we did.
One other Baskin-Robbins store in the region had not sold any pre-packed quarts in the previous quarter. When they finally did sell a few quarts, the fine folks at Baskin-Robbins accounting set their calculators on fire trying to divide by zero. So instead they set the store’s previous quart sales at “1” and you can see that even if they only sold one other quart, their sales would have increased 100%. While our store's sales increased 65% over the quarter, the other store’s sales went up some ungodly percentage because they sold more than one quart. That store was awarded the win and our store was in a distant second place, but there was no prize for second place.
Sorry, Mike. It’s all about percentages.
{Author’s note: Damn right I made up most those numbers. I can’t remember those kind of details from that long ago. The numerical intent is solid. We did get fucked and I did have the most quart sales.}
Franklin County to begin issuing subpoenas via Twitter
COLUMBUS, OH (HJ) – If you have ever had to issue or deliver a subpoena, you know what a hassle and expense it can be. In Columbus, OH, subpoena issuing by the County Sheriff’s department took up as much as 8% of officers’ time. With recent budget crackdowns, the county is looking into new ways to save money. One of those ways is to digitally serve subpoenas via the online social media site, Twitter.
Current county laws do not allow subpoenas to be e-mailed to a private computer. Subpoenas must be issued in a public forum. Because Twitter is a public entity, issuing subpoenas is legal and only takes a few minutes as opposed to days or sometimes weeks.
Franklin County began the process by digitizing the notary service. A digital notary can digitally affix their certificate to attest the execution of the document, as long as the constituent provides an on-line photo and bio to prove who they are. Currently, only Facebook.com and MySpace.com are being accepted as legal forms of on-line identity.
With the notary public’s digital stamp and full documents kept digitally in an online accessible database, the constituent can then have a third party, who has a Twitter account, issue the papers, online, in a public forum. The third party needs to ensure that the person to be subpoenaed has at least one follower. The “tweet” must include some legal jargon, the appearance date, the notary’s digital stamp or Twitter user name, and a link to the on-line documents.
Franklin County expects to save over $45,000 in 2009. The county has not yet created a clever way to put the words subpoena and Twitter together.
Current county laws do not allow subpoenas to be e-mailed to a private computer. Subpoenas must be issued in a public forum. Because Twitter is a public entity, issuing subpoenas is legal and only takes a few minutes as opposed to days or sometimes weeks.
Franklin County began the process by digitizing the notary service. A digital notary can digitally affix their certificate to attest the execution of the document, as long as the constituent provides an on-line photo and bio to prove who they are. Currently, only Facebook.com and MySpace.com are being accepted as legal forms of on-line identity.
With the notary public’s digital stamp and full documents kept digitally in an online accessible database, the constituent can then have a third party, who has a Twitter account, issue the papers, online, in a public forum. The third party needs to ensure that the person to be subpoenaed has at least one follower. The “tweet” must include some legal jargon, the appearance date, the notary’s digital stamp or Twitter user name, and a link to the on-line documents.
Franklin County expects to save over $45,000 in 2009. The county has not yet created a clever way to put the words subpoena and Twitter together.
Ask HolyJuan: How can I get more followers on Twitter?
Dear HolyJuan,
I am on Twitter, but I do not have very many followers. Why is that? Can you help me get more followers?
Yours truly,
@chicoktc
Dear Circle with an A in it chicoktc,
You have several problems, the first one being that you are using Twitter. Obviously you are well aware of that problem and seem to be at terms with it, so we will not discuss that issue.
Let’s look at the most obvious issue: your username. @chickoktc, broken down, obviously means "chic" (French for toast) "OK" (Oklahoma) and "TC" (the helicopter pilot from Magnum PI).
I’m not sure if this is secret code for something very gay or if it is a desperate cry for attention. Either way, people on Twitter don’t like things that are confusing or require a lot of thinking. I would suggest a name change to something that most Twitter people can understand like @selfabsorbedegotist or @lookatmenownownow or @someonefamousjustcommentedonmycomment.
Another issue I see is your profile photo.
By looking at your shirt, I can tell this photo is from the late 80’s, probably at Myrtle Beach. This is not working. Try taking a super close up photo of your eye. Make pouty lips, that one’s popular with the ladies. How about a photo of your cat? The last thing anyone wants to see is you in some normal pose that shows you exactly as you are. Make a statement and make it a false one. Or just post a photo of a hot chick in a bikini.
Here’s a biggie. Sometimes you speak in English, which is a lot more than can be said of many people on Twitter. But many other times, you start typing gibberish which looks to be some beaver language.
Cut that shit out! Twitter is an English word so you should stick with English or one of the many variants.
You also use some very angry language. Take this tweet: RIP MJ
How dare you! Michael Jackson is an icon and there is no need to rip the poor guy. Just let him rest in peace.
Wow. Looking at the people you follow… Abe Lincoln? The number 4? @THE_REAL_SHAQ? Come on, if he were real, why would he have to put “REAL” in front of his name? You’ve got to start following some actual real people like @homestarrunner @BillOReilly @HilaryClintonsSling. Try those for starters and see if maybe people will notice how cool you are and that you might be worth following. I do see you are following @holyjuan which is a start.
Or you could just do what everyone else does, which is to spam a ton of people and hope they follow you back seeing as they are pathetic people who have very few followers as well. Soon you’ll find yourself with 45,000 followers and a much, much better life.
So to sum up: change name, chick in a bikini, Magnum PI movie to be released in 2011, spam, and watch the beaver language.
You are welcome!
I am on Twitter, but I do not have very many followers. Why is that? Can you help me get more followers?
Yours truly,
@chicoktc
Dear Circle with an A in it chicoktc,
You have several problems, the first one being that you are using Twitter. Obviously you are well aware of that problem and seem to be at terms with it, so we will not discuss that issue.
Let’s look at the most obvious issue: your username. @chickoktc, broken down, obviously means "chic" (French for toast) "OK" (Oklahoma) and "TC" (the helicopter pilot from Magnum PI).
I’m not sure if this is secret code for something very gay or if it is a desperate cry for attention. Either way, people on Twitter don’t like things that are confusing or require a lot of thinking. I would suggest a name change to something that most Twitter people can understand like @selfabsorbedegotist or @lookatmenownownow or @someonefamousjustcommentedonmycomment.
Another issue I see is your profile photo.
By looking at your shirt, I can tell this photo is from the late 80’s, probably at Myrtle Beach. This is not working. Try taking a super close up photo of your eye. Make pouty lips, that one’s popular with the ladies. How about a photo of your cat? The last thing anyone wants to see is you in some normal pose that shows you exactly as you are. Make a statement and make it a false one. Or just post a photo of a hot chick in a bikini.
Here’s a biggie. Sometimes you speak in English, which is a lot more than can be said of many people on Twitter. But many other times, you start typing gibberish which looks to be some beaver language.
Cut that shit out! Twitter is an English word so you should stick with English or one of the many variants.
You also use some very angry language. Take this tweet: RIP MJ
How dare you! Michael Jackson is an icon and there is no need to rip the poor guy. Just let him rest in peace.
Wow. Looking at the people you follow… Abe Lincoln? The number 4? @THE_REAL_SHAQ? Come on, if he were real, why would he have to put “REAL” in front of his name? You’ve got to start following some actual real people like @homestarrunner @BillOReilly @HilaryClintonsSling. Try those for starters and see if maybe people will notice how cool you are and that you might be worth following. I do see you are following @holyjuan which is a start.
Or you could just do what everyone else does, which is to spam a ton of people and hope they follow you back seeing as they are pathetic people who have very few followers as well. Soon you’ll find yourself with 45,000 followers and a much, much better life.
So to sum up: change name, chick in a bikini, Magnum PI movie to be released in 2011, spam, and watch the beaver language.
You are welcome!
Rules for HoleyBoard
I learned about HoleyBoard in college from my Canton friends. There is a lot to be said about HoleyBoard, but I don't have time for it now. Let's just say that the best wedding gift that Miss Sally and I received was a set of HoleyBoards.
I did have time to touch up the rules for HoleyBoard. These rules are different from the standard rules that my Cleveland friends play by. We think they are much more competitive.
You can check out the Columbus version 1.4 here: http://docs.google.com/View?id=dc4msf36_3cwwp3qfh
The biggest differences include:
-going over 21 points subtracts total points gained that round from your starting score
-no ties
Greg is already a HoleyBoard champ, beating several of his cousins this weekend.
I did have time to touch up the rules for HoleyBoard. These rules are different from the standard rules that my Cleveland friends play by. We think they are much more competitive.
You can check out the Columbus version 1.4 here: http://docs.google.com/View?id=dc4msf36_3cwwp3qfh
The biggest differences include:
-going over 21 points subtracts total points gained that round from your starting score
-no ties
Greg is already a HoleyBoard champ, beating several of his cousins this weekend.
Doug Unshaven
I went four days without shaving. I think half a beard makes my head look smaller. Kinda.
Al Franken announced senatorial winner and immediately files for back pay
MINNEAPOLIS (HJ) – Democrat Al Franken was declared the winner of a Senate seat in Minnesota on Tuesday, ending one of the longest Senate races ever. Coleman quickly 
conceded once his five legal arguments were unanimously struck down by the Minnesota Supreme Court.
About six hours following the decision, Senator Franken filed paperwork to collect the nearly six months back pay or about $87,000 for his senatorial position. A U.S. senator makes $174,000 a year with full medical benefits. It is unclear if Senator Franken will attempt to have his medical bill reimbursed for that time period as well. It was widely reported that Senator Franken had scrotoplasty following the last recount.
Senator Franken said that he would donate most of the back salary to pay for his legal bills. When questioned as to whether that was a donation, Franken smiled and said, “It feels like charity to me.”
conceded once his five legal arguments were unanimously struck down by the Minnesota Supreme Court.About six hours following the decision, Senator Franken filed paperwork to collect the nearly six months back pay or about $87,000 for his senatorial position. A U.S. senator makes $174,000 a year with full medical benefits. It is unclear if Senator Franken will attempt to have his medical bill reimbursed for that time period as well. It was widely reported that Senator Franken had scrotoplasty following the last recount.
Senator Franken said that he would donate most of the back salary to pay for his legal bills. When questioned as to whether that was a donation, Franken smiled and said, “It feels like charity to me.”
This is My Suitcase
I've said it before, I'm no music critic. I know what I like and that's about it.
I first saw "This is My Suitcase" at "The Hot Damn" CD release party last year. I wasn't too impressed. I went away thinking they sounded OK and that they were kooky as all get out, but not my style.
Fast forward a year and the Hot Damn has broken up and I'm in queue to see "Margot and the Nuclear So and So's" at Circus in Columbus, OH. This Is My Suitcase was in the lineup for the night. I was all hopped up on Margot so I thought I'd give them a second chance.
They were awesome. They were really on and their set was very tight. They were modest and interesting and fun.
The lead singer of Suitcase was all over the place; instrumentally, vocally and physically. All of it looking and sounding great. The keyboardist was as demure as before and the rest of the band played into the lead singer's energy.
In speaking with the lead singer later that night, he remembered the Hot Damn release and remembered it being a crap show. I forgave him.
Check out this video promoting their May 2009 Tour
This is My Suitcase is playing Friday night at Comfest, 7:00pm at the Bozo (main) stage. You should go check them out.
Some links for you:
WEBSITE: http://thisismysuitcase.com/
TWITTER: http://twitter.com/suitcaseband
LISTEN: http://www.myspace.com/thisismysuitcase
I first saw "This is My Suitcase" at "The Hot Damn" CD release party last year. I wasn't too impressed. I went away thinking they sounded OK and that they were kooky as all get out, but not my style.
Fast forward a year and the Hot Damn has broken up and I'm in queue to see "Margot and the Nuclear So and So's" at Circus in Columbus, OH. This Is My Suitcase was in the lineup for the night. I was all hopped up on Margot so I thought I'd give them a second chance.
They were awesome. They were really on and their set was very tight. They were modest and interesting and fun.
The lead singer of Suitcase was all over the place; instrumentally, vocally and physically. All of it looking and sounding great. The keyboardist was as demure as before and the rest of the band played into the lead singer's energy.
In speaking with the lead singer later that night, he remembered the Hot Damn release and remembered it being a crap show. I forgave him.
Check out this video promoting their May 2009 Tour
This is My Suitcase is playing Friday night at Comfest, 7:00pm at the Bozo (main) stage. You should go check them out.
Some links for you:
WEBSITE: http://thisismysuitcase.com/
TWITTER: http://twitter.com/suitcaseband
LISTEN: http://www.myspace.com/thisismysuitcase
Rules for Blogging
Rule #1 Don't call it blogging
Not sure if you heard yet, but the word blog is pathetic. Stop using it. The thing you are doing is writing, not blogging. The place where you do it is your website, not a blog.
Rule #2 Don't ever talk about your blogging frequency
Why are you still calling it blogging after reading rule one?
Rule #2.1 Don't ever talk about your writing frequency
No one wants to hear you say the following:
"Sorry I haven't posted in a while."
"I promise I will do better."
"It's been x weeks since my last post."
If you have nothing to say, don’t tell us about it.
Rule #3 Delete it
If you have given up on writing, delete your site. Scrub your shame from the internet. The internet needs as much room as possible or the knowledge channel collective get clogged.
Rule #4 Quit your bitching
If you are pissed about a situation, do something about it and then come back and write what happened. No one wants to hear you complain.
Rule #5 On second thought, call your shit a blog
I just realized that if you can’t figure out this shit, I’d rather you did call your site a blog so that I know to avoid it. Please change the title of your site to XXXXXXX’s blog so that we can all figure it out for ourselves.
{Author's note: I just remembered that my site is hosted by Blogger.com. I am lame.}
Not sure if you heard yet, but the word blog is pathetic. Stop using it. The thing you are doing is writing, not blogging. The place where you do it is your website, not a blog.
Rule #2 Don't ever talk about your blogging frequency
Why are you still calling it blogging after reading rule one?
Rule #2.1 Don't ever talk about your writing frequency
No one wants to hear you say the following:
"Sorry I haven't posted in a while."
"I promise I will do better."
"It's been x weeks since my last post."
If you have nothing to say, don’t tell us about it.
Rule #3 Delete it
If you have given up on writing, delete your site. Scrub your shame from the internet. The internet needs as much room as possible or the knowledge channel collective get clogged.
Rule #4 Quit your bitching
If you are pissed about a situation, do something about it and then come back and write what happened. No one wants to hear you complain.
Rule #5 On second thought, call your shit a blog
I just realized that if you can’t figure out this shit, I’d rather you did call your site a blog so that I know to avoid it. Please change the title of your site to XXXXXXX’s blog so that we can all figure it out for ourselves.
{Author's note: I just remembered that my site is hosted by Blogger.com. I am lame.}
Devo Vacation
My co-worker is out of town this week on a "Diva vacation". I'm not sure what a Diva vacation is, but it in now way shape or form is better than a Devo vacation.
Fixed!
Little does she know how much EXTRA fun she's having now. WHIP IT GOOD!
Fixed!
Little does she know how much EXTRA fun she's having now. WHIP IT GOOD!
1,003 posts... I mean 1,004
Somewhere along the way, I've created 1,003 posts with this one being the 1,004th.
I'm not sure how that is possible, so I stayed up all night doing some research.
745 of the posts were re-posts of the same article about me being drunk in Chicago.
20 were Jesus cartoons
15 were pictures Greg drew
12 were Erik Eats
200 were rants about comments in other posts
4 were articles about drinking and Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.
6 were poorly photoshopped jokes
Which leaves 2 posts that were actually real, down to earth articles about life, love, family and happiness.
Except that this is one of those two posts so I assume this one doesn't count.
Oh well, thanks for reading. When people blame me for being an egotistical bastard, I blame you for continuing to return and read my stuff.
Thanks, suckers.
HJ
I'm not sure how that is possible, so I stayed up all night doing some research.
745 of the posts were re-posts of the same article about me being drunk in Chicago.
20 were Jesus cartoons
15 were pictures Greg drew
12 were Erik Eats
200 were rants about comments in other posts
4 were articles about drinking and Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.
6 were poorly photoshopped jokes
Which leaves 2 posts that were actually real, down to earth articles about life, love, family and happiness.
Except that this is one of those two posts so I assume this one doesn't count.
Oh well, thanks for reading. When people blame me for being an egotistical bastard, I blame you for continuing to return and read my stuff.
Thanks, suckers.
HJ
Creation Museum - Dinosaur Extinction
I have to bet that it was the rugged, good looks of that hunter that killed off the dinosaurs. Or his complete gayness.
I assume that it was Photoshop the actually made the dinosaurs disappear.
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