I was in Denver a few years back when the Californians were just starting to take over the real estate en mass. Right before I moved there, a friend of a friend gave me the name of a guy named Rob who lived in Denver and that I should get in contact with him if I wanted a drink. I wanted a drink, so I called Rob. Rob was very friendly and introduced me to his circle of friends. His circle included a couple of illegal aliens from England.
The one undocumented worker I hung out the most was a brick layer. I forget his name, so I’ll call him Mason. Mason had worked his way across the country. He would get a job at a construction site, give a fake social security number and claim 243 exemptions on his paycheck so that no taxes would be taken out. When Uncle Sam would come knocking, he’d run out the back door. He’d made it from New York to Colorado. Not bad. Mason was in a spot of trouble because he had fallen in love with one of Rob’s American female friends. Love means sticking around and hiding from the government. Love stinks.
We all got together in a bar one night with a large group of Rob’s friends. Two of Mason’s friends showed up as well. They were illegals from England who were working in Vail as midwives. How the hell do you get a job as a midwife when you don’t have residency? Oh well. I can just imagine her accent during the delivery, “Right luv, ya need ta push ‘arder if you wont that bah-bee ta come out. FUKIN' POOSH!”
I was smitten by one of the girls. She had a very think accent and thicker skin. She drank and drank. My two favorite qualities in a woman. She and I stood talking for a few minutes as I tried to pick her up with my endless charm. Another guy slid over and stood by listening in on our conversation, trying to harp in on my action. At some point, he found a pause to interject, “You have a very interesting accent. Where are you from?”
She turned to him and said plainly:
“Me mother’s cunt.”
The guy, though stiff with shock, rolled himself up into a very small ball and wobbled back across the room.
I fell even deeper into love.
But, she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried too hard. She found some other boy that night and I ended up with only this story.
I left Denver a few months later without ever hooking up with an illegal alien. I do not know if Mason stayed in love or continued his Westward run from Uncle Sam.
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("Midland" is not necessarily the same thing as "Midwest") The default, lowest-common-denominator American accent that newscasters try to imitate. Since it's a neutral accent, just because you have a Midland accent doesn't mean you're from the Midland.
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See, I've got the voice to be a weatherman. Now I just need to git learned about rain and such.