Laws You Don’t Know Yet

The 0th Law of Physics
This Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.

Ray’s Law
This Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.

At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.

One Second Browser Window Close Law
This Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.

The Internet Oneupsman Law
This Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Once in Dallas about 18 of us from work went out for a steak dinner on the company dime. 17 of us had the same cut of filet and the one guy that had Lobster got food poisoning the next day. I don't know what you call it, but the law is that you never order sea food if you are more than 100 miles from the ocean (unless you are in Las Vegas).

Doug said...

Vegas is an island of sin in an ocean of sand.

Anonymous said...

I still blame you.

Doug said...

You can't blame me Ray. Maybe Martin slipped you a mickey?

Anonymous said...

Martin is a highly regarded museum director who would, without question, keep his mickey to himself. I blame you.

Anonymous said...

Dick's Law: You guys suck them.

Thomas said...

Isn't there a rule that, if you can get someone to mention Hitler in a political conversation that they automatically loose the argument, barring actual discussions of fascism or WWII.

Anonymous said...

Godwin's law: link