Miller Lite Masquerade

Dave was in town this weekend.  We had dinner at Barley's and then over to Char Bar for drinks.

While we were at Char Bar, a group of people came in with masquerade masks on.  After a while, Keegan couldn't take it anymore so he got up and asked one of the girls what was going on.  She said it was her birthday and dammit, she wanted to have a masquerade party.

So I decided to join it. I peeled two labels off two Miller Lite bottles.  In my wallet, I have a four leaf clover flattened between two taped together business cards.  I was able to peel some of the tape off.  Using Swiss Army Knife scissors, I cut holes in the wrappers and cut around the edges to make them mask like.

I went over to the girls expecting that they would be pissed.  The birthday girl was ECSTATIC!   They even let me take a photo with them.

Happy Birthday Masquerade Girl!  (She's the one directly to my right.)

That'll teach 'em

The BK Stacker Scientific Study

The price scientists over at Burger King think they have got their stuff together. They came out with a pricing system for the Single Stacker, Double Stacker and Triple Stacker at $1, $2 and $3 respectively. I decided to do some research to see if those scientists went to a school that doesn't have collective bargaining rights.

I went out and bought three Single Stackers, one Double Stacker and one Triple Stacker.

My server was Elbert!

Because of science, I weighed them:
Single Stacker = 4 oz
Double Stacker = 5.6 oz
Triple Stacker = 7 oz

The Single Stacker is 380 calories. That's 380 calories per $1 or $.25 an ounce.
The Double Stacker is 560 calories. That's 280 calories per $1 or $.36 an ounce
The Triple Stacker is 650 calories. That's 216.6 calories per $1 or $.42 an ounce.

The bigger the sandwich, the more you pay per calorie/ounce. That doesn't seem right!

The Single Stacker is comprised of a bun, one hamburger patty, two "segments" of bacon, a slice of cheese and some strange sauce that I will not be mentioning again.

Here's what the three Single Stackers look like separated.

The Double Stacker is comprised of a bun, two hamburger patties, three bacon segments, a slice of cheese and the sauce that I said I wasn't going to mention, but forgot.

The Triple Stacker is comprised of a bun, three hamburger patties, three bacon segments, two slices of cheese and more of the you know what.

There are three patties in there.  One of them is hiding in the cholesterol.


By the way, the people over at Burger King think this is what the Triple Stacker looks like:

Here's what mine looked like:

So just by looking at these components, I can tell you are getting screwed. For starters, there should be two slices of cheese on the Double and three on the Triple. And the bacon should be spilling out of the Triple.

So you could take a Single Stacker and a Double stacker for $3.00 and you would get 2 buns, three hamburger patties, two slices of cheese and five bacon. I call this the "1 + 2 = 4."

Or, you could take the three Single Stackers, remove the tops of two and stack them all. I call this the "Real Triple You Stupid Price Scientists."

Or you could just say "fuck it" and stack everything in one bun. I call this "The Lent Buster."

That's right.

OUMNNNNUNMNNNN

Fis engu mmn na frengh!

Yeah! Take that Price Scientists!

CONCLUSION: The price scientists at Burger King are idiots. Just buy singles. You can feed the ducks with the leftover bread.

I'm about to say, "It's Fucking Becky Wilson" so if your kids are in the room you might want to tell them to leave.

It's Fucking Becky Wilson!

Get your t-shirt at the HolyJuan store at Skreened!

Bald Men Outraged at Lack of Care for Hair

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – Several area bald men are fed up with the lack of care and responsibility shown by fully haired men towards their completely, hair covered craniums. “They don’t respect their follicles”, stated Bill Newtswarthy, the President of the Bald Is OK Club in Columbus, Ohio. “These ‘Hairitics’ take their hair for granted. They don’t realize that it could all be gone tomorrow. They should treat their hair with respect!”

We caught up with several members of the Bald Is OK Club during their annual meeting at a local Best Western. The BIOK were discussing the merits of conditioner and repeating. “I think I would have had another three, maybe four more years of hair if I hadn’t scrubbed so hard,” stated one bald member. Others nodded in agreement while they looked accusingly around the room at the other bald men. Earlier in the evening, a man with a bald wig was caught and ushered out the door. “We can’t be too careful. There are a lot of people with full heads of hair looking to infiltrate the group.”

Member Erik was one of the more vocal members at the meeting, “I see them out there… dyeing… moussing… gel and butch wax in hand. They should be ashamed!” Many cheers from the four other people in the room erupted.

Local men with hair did not know about the group and were astounded at our description of their activities. We heard such comments as, “I thought bald was beautiful?” and “That’s what you get for repeating shampooing.”

We hit the streets and interview several local hair blessed and bald people for their opinions:


"These hairy SOBs need to be taught a lesson. I'm tired of stepping over my f*ucking roomate's hair when I get in the shower. Eighteen bottles of shampoo, assh*le? I use bar soap on my dome." - Greg A.


"I don't know what these guys are complaining about. All this hair gets in my way when I am fighting off the chicks at the club. Washing the smell of lust and sin out of my hair takes hours!" - Josh K.


"I shave my head in solidarity for my bald headed brothers. Then it grows back and I have to fight the ladies off, again. Will it never end?"- Jason (Last initial withheld to protect identity.)


"These baldies need to get used to their lack of hair. I mean, so what if their testosterone is low and their hair falls out? They can borrow some of mine!" - Kevin S.


"Please don't use my real identity. " - Erik Burbank


"You don't like this hair, bitches? Your wife does!" - Levi

Good Times at the Jury Room

We went to The Jury Room the other night. It's an old bar that has been refurbished to look like it is still old.

While waiting for a table, we flipped through their drink menu. Well, Jenn flipped through the menu and Keegan looked at me menacingly.

The Jury Room carries a lot of "Old Man" drinks which a lot of hip, cool people drink. One of those is an Old Fashioned. The Old Fashioned at the Jury Room is so nice, they use bitters twice!

We got a table and Meghan showed up. Michael came later but he is not in this story except for this mention.

Keegan had suggested a beer out of Lancaster from Rockmill Brewery that he liked called Dubbel. I'm no beer expert, but dubbel is a Belgian Trappist beer naming convention. The origin of the dubbel was a beer brewed in the Trappist Abbey of Westmalle in 1856. Westmalle Dubbel was imitated by other breweries, leading to the emergence of a style. Dubbels are now understood to be a fairly strong (6%-8% ABV) brown ale, with under- stated bitterness, fairly heavy body, and a pronounced fruitiness. This beer comes in 750ml bottles (that's three gallons for those of you that don't speak French)and are meant for sharing.

Earlier on in the evening, I said I would chip in for the Dubbel, but after drinking a few PBRs, I knew that my palate had become as sensitive as a pallet and I wouldn't enjoy a good beer. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Keegan called me one of several names and our waitress said she would bring three glasses and a shot glass so that I could at least try the dubbel.

Cheers!

I ordered artichoke and other stuff spaghetti. It was really delicious.

At the end of the meal our waitress brought our checks. She split the dubbel between all those that drank, including me.

She charged me for 1% of the bottle! 33% each for Jenn, Meghan and Keegan and .20 for me. Oh, how we laughed. I wish I could remember her name. She was awesome. I know that Jenn will remember and I'll post it later. It's Laura! Crafty Laura! Thanks, Laura!

Check out the Jury Room and the Rockmill selection of beers as soon as you get the chance!

A Quick Story

I feel like telling a story. I'm not sure which one yet. I assumed that as soon as I began to type, it would come to me, but it hasn't yet and now I am just stalling for time.

While I am waiting for my mind to catch up with my fingers, I'll tell you about the roads in Lancaster.

The roads in Lancaster are the same as most others. Especially in the city. Curbs. Asphalt. Sometimes there will be a random street that is poured concrete or one that is all brick. These are not special.

The special roads in Lancaster are the ones that lead out of town. The ones that now lead back in. They are not fun in the winter. But in the spring...

In the spring you roll your windows down. If you are lucky you can pop the sun roof. If you are Jeff W., you take the T-tops out of the Trans-Am. And if you are Keegan you ride your motorcycle.

Turn off of Rte.33 or Rte.22 or Rte. 37 or 188. Take a road with tilted road sign or no road sign at all. It will more than likely immediately start to go up or go down. There is likely to be a field and then a thick wooded area. Watch for the arrows that tell you to prepare for a turn. Most have a few bullet holes in them.

The smell of spring permeates the car. You cannot help but stick your arm out the window and hold the door with the flat of your palm. The ones with no regrets make their hand fly like Superman.

If you time it just right, you'll pass a field full of fireflies as they begin to flicker. When your car drops down into where the road goes deep in a small valley, you can feel the temperature drop. And the the cold is chased away as you pop back up again where the heat of the road fights off the chill.

There is curve after curve and straight aways that will take you on to bridges that they say can only take one car at a time. Sometimes the signs that tell you to slow down are suggestions. Other times those sign have been run over by people who don't take suggestions well. Just be careful. Of course, there is nothing like the feeling of making it though a curve that you thought for a split second you weren't.

When you see another car, wave.

You've probably had your radio on. Turn it off. Take in the sound of the wind. Of the trees passing you by as you pass by them. The hills and twists are short lived as you can't drive too far without bumping back into civilization.

Spring is a time for renewal, but it also can't help but remind us of the past.

Go ahead a take a lap through Rising Park. And another through the McDonald's. Drive past where Thomas' Fair Play used to be. Loop back around and head down Main Street and down where The Family Restaurant once stood. And then cut over and drive past Fisher Catholic and finally past Lancaster High School and the football field.

Spring will be here soon.

Uncle Ben's 10 minutes is different from my 10 minutes

I cook dinner sometimes. Sometimes it actually works out. I also like to pretend that I am a real chef where I can time things out perfectly so that when the mac and cheese is peaking, the hot dogs in the microwave are heated up and the waiters take it to the table and do the reveal simultaneously.

The other day, Miss Sally shared a recipe with me that would require some timing. As one component was wrapping up, rice was to be cooked and then everything brought together at once. So when the time came, I called on Uncle Ben.

Uncle Ben told be the rice would be "Perfect Every Time."

He also told me that the rice would cook in 10 minutes.

So I waited until the meat was 10 minuted from completion and gave everyone a 10 minute warning.

And then I flipped the box over and read the instructions:

Step 1 is to throw water and rice in a pot. That took about 10 seconds, but I won't count that. T-minus 10 minutes until dinner!

Step 2 is actually 2 steps Step 2a and step 2b:

Step 2a is to boil the components. That takes about 5 minutes. T-minus 5 minutes until dinner!

Step 2b is to simmer for 10 - 12 minutes. That takes about 10 - 12 minutes. I picked 10 because it is less than 12. T-plus 5 minutes.

Step 3 is to let is sit for 5 minutes or until the water is absorbed. That took 7 minutes in my case. T-plus 12.

So what was supposed to take 10 minutes took 22. The kids almost staved to death. At least that's what Greg reported twice.

And yes, I know. I should have fully read the instructions. But you've got to admit that the box freaking says, "Cooks in 10 minutes." I call bullshit.

It also took me about 10 minutes to write this article(if you don't count the extra 12 I took to make this Scumbag Ben version of Scumbag Steve.):

Laminated List Week 2011

It’s the third week of February and you know what that means! It’s UPDATE YOUR LAMINATED LIST week.

As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse will allow you to have sex with if ever the opportunity presents itself. If you happen to run into one of your three famous people and they are drunk enough to let you jump in the sack / couch / Charlie Sheen's basement with you, then you have permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.

Every year, during the third week of February, you are allowed to update the list.

So here is my list for 11’ – 12’…

1. Sarah Silverman
2. Christina Ricci
3. Zooey Deschanel


My previous list was : 1. Sarah Silverman 2. Christina Ricci and 3. Leelee Sobieski

Who’s on your list for this year?

Do It Yourself Funeral

Yo. This is a bummer article and if you are looking for the standard penis jokes then I apologize. This is for someone who's got a stiff they are looking to bury, burn or dump.

I just read the post below by sethra007 on reddit.com. Basically it says that you are going to get screwed over by funeral services if you don't do your homework ahead of time. It's worth a read.

My uncle is a mortician, and I can tell you from him that funeral homes are all about sales and mark-ups. Funeral homes deliberately try to have you make decisions where you're at your worst emotionally, because you're more likely to spend money that way.

When I buried my mother five years ago, it cost nearly $6,000.00, and that was for a basic funeral (which was all we could afford at the time). According to the Los Angeles Times, the average cost of a typical American funeral is now $7,755.00, and that only covers the basics.

Imagine my rage later when I discovered we didn't have to spend that much money. I could have gotten a casket (our biggest expense) for $2000 less via CostCo or the Trappist Monks. Online companies like Star Legacy Funeral Network offer caskets at up to 50 percent off retail, and many offer next day delivery or free shipping. Or I could have built one. If you're being cremated, you can do a rental casket. Heck, I didn't even have to have a casket--I could have used an alternate container.

In my state, I didn't have to have Mom embalmed (which not only would have saved money but would have been better for the environment) or have a burial container for the grave. I had online resources for getting grave markers.

I couldn't do too much to minimize other expenses because my mom had already purchased a grave site. But there were still quite a few things I could have saved money on had I known about funeral planning ahead of time.

The Funeral Consumer Alliance has a great article on how funeral homes manipulate their customers, and the Federal Trade Commission has valuable information on what your rights are when buying funeral goods and services. I highly recommend people read those sites, as well as explore the Funeral Consumer Alliance web site in general. And even though it's dated, I recommend reading Jessica Mitford's classic "The American Way of Death", which dissected the American funeral industry of the '50s and '60s.

I think funerals in general are good things for the surviving loved ones. I know my mother's funeral brought me a lot of closure after her long illness. But I also know that when Jessica Mitford died in 1996, her funeral arrangements cost around $400. I may not be able to get it down that low, but I am most definitely planning on minimizing the cost. I'm sparing my family the expense and either having a low-cost green burial or donating my body to science.

tl;dr version: Funerals cost way too much, but there's ways to cut significant costs. Know your rights, pre-plan your own funeral, and visit the [Funeral Consumer Alliance] (http://www.funerals.org/).