Uncle Ben's 10 minutes is different from my 10 minutes

I cook dinner sometimes. Sometimes it actually works out. I also like to pretend that I am a real chef where I can time things out perfectly so that when the mac and cheese is peaking, the hot dogs in the microwave are heated up and the waiters take it to the table and do the reveal simultaneously.

The other day, Miss Sally shared a recipe with me that would require some timing. As one component was wrapping up, rice was to be cooked and then everything brought together at once. So when the time came, I called on Uncle Ben.

Uncle Ben told be the rice would be "Perfect Every Time."

He also told me that the rice would cook in 10 minutes.

So I waited until the meat was 10 minuted from completion and gave everyone a 10 minute warning.

And then I flipped the box over and read the instructions:

Step 1 is to throw water and rice in a pot. That took about 10 seconds, but I won't count that. T-minus 10 minutes until dinner!

Step 2 is actually 2 steps Step 2a and step 2b:

Step 2a is to boil the components. That takes about 5 minutes. T-minus 5 minutes until dinner!

Step 2b is to simmer for 10 - 12 minutes. That takes about 10 - 12 minutes. I picked 10 because it is less than 12. T-plus 5 minutes.

Step 3 is to let is sit for 5 minutes or until the water is absorbed. That took 7 minutes in my case. T-plus 12.

So what was supposed to take 10 minutes took 22. The kids almost staved to death. At least that's what Greg reported twice.

And yes, I know. I should have fully read the instructions. But you've got to admit that the box freaking says, "Cooks in 10 minutes." I call bullshit.

It also took me about 10 minutes to write this article(if you don't count the extra 12 I took to make this Scumbag Ben version of Scumbag Steve.):


Christine said...

Well...it did "cook" in 10 minutes, he counts preparation and resting time after cooking separate :-P

HolyJuan said...

Well, that would mean that having a baby only takes 30 seconds and not 9 months.

Um, I mean three hours.