Things one can have while in college (revised)
I saw a chart on line that needed edited to conform to my reality.
Morning chat with Dave
Dave is in Maine. Even though they DO have phones there, it takes him so long to spin the rotary dial that we just chat on-line instead. Here was our conversation this morning. (Please don't tell Miss Sally about her gift. Or the other parts of this.)
8:48 AM - SMILEY: so are you wrapping gifts today or are you superdad?
8:48 AM - HOLYJUAN: neither
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: well, I could wrap sallys gift (ipod)
8:49 AM - SMILEY: nice...nano, shuffle, or old school
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: Nano, 8G
8:49 AM - SMILEY: color?
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: green
8:50 AM - SMILEY: cool...she'll love it.
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: I stole it from a 13 year old
8:50 AM - SMILEY: Antona gets a carton of smokes and a scarf this year
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: Can you get filtered? That heavy smoke bothers my eyes after sex.
8:51 AM - SMILEY: Merry Christmas
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: And a scarf that doesn’t knot so tightly
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: Doesn't knot? Is that a double negative?
8:52 AM - SMILEY: I'll see about the scarf...
8:48 AM - SMILEY: so are you wrapping gifts today or are you superdad?
8:48 AM - HOLYJUAN: neither
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: well, I could wrap sallys gift (ipod)
8:49 AM - SMILEY: nice...nano, shuffle, or old school
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: Nano, 8G
8:49 AM - SMILEY: color?
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: green
8:50 AM - SMILEY: cool...she'll love it.
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: I stole it from a 13 year old
8:50 AM - SMILEY: Antona gets a carton of smokes and a scarf this year
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: Can you get filtered? That heavy smoke bothers my eyes after sex.
8:51 AM - SMILEY: Merry Christmas
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: And a scarf that doesn’t knot so tightly
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: Doesn't knot? Is that a double negative?
8:52 AM - SMILEY: I'll see about the scarf...
Eric Hutchinson
Over Thanksgiving, Sally’s brother took us to see Eric Hutchinson at the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland.
It was an awesome show.
Eric Hutchinson is a cool cat. A younger dude with two other guys in the band. He splits his time between the keyboard, guitar and cracking wise. His music is soul and a hint of pop. I would say he’s like Jack Johnson right after getting dumped and then punched in the head by Stevie Wonder, but I’m horrible with comparisons.
After the show, we were hanging out in the back bar. Eric stuck around and was hanging out with some of the locals. Somehow a cake appeared. I’m not sure if the bar got it for Eric or if Eric has cake in his rider. Either way, he offered us a piece. Cool cat.
Check out Eric at http://erichutchinson.com
Do me a favor and vote for him over at Yahoo for performer of the month.
http://music.yahoo.com/promo-29644410
It was an awesome show.
Eric Hutchinson is a cool cat. A younger dude with two other guys in the band. He splits his time between the keyboard, guitar and cracking wise. His music is soul and a hint of pop. I would say he’s like Jack Johnson right after getting dumped and then punched in the head by Stevie Wonder, but I’m horrible with comparisons.
After the show, we were hanging out in the back bar. Eric stuck around and was hanging out with some of the locals. Somehow a cake appeared. I’m not sure if the bar got it for Eric or if Eric has cake in his rider. Either way, he offered us a piece. Cool cat.
Check out Eric at http://erichutchinson.com
Do me a favor and vote for him over at Yahoo for performer of the month.
http://music.yahoo.com/promo-29644410
Two Cool States
There are only two states that have not recorded a high temperature past the 100 degree Fahrenheit mark. One is easy to guess, the other not so much.
Alaska, of course.
Any guesses? (I guessed Maine and was wrong.) Before I reveal the answer, here is the chart on the highest temperatures recorded by state.
State high temperature records
State Temp Date
Alabama..........112 ..........Sept. 5, 1925
Alaska ..........100 ..........June 27, 1915
Arizona ..........128 .......... June 29, 1994
Arkansas ..........120 ..........Aug. 10, 1936
California ..........134 ..........July 10, 1913
Colorado ..........118 ..........July 11, 1888
Connecticut ..........106 ..........July 15, 1995
Delaware ..........110 ..........July 21, 1930
Florida ..........109 ..........June 29, 1931
Georgia ..........112 ..........July 24, 1952
Hawaii ..........100 ..........April 27,1931
Idaho ..........118 ..........July 28, 1934
Illinois ..........117 ..........July 14, 1954
Indiana ..........116.......... July 14, 1936
Iowa ..........118 ..........July 20, 1934
Kansas ..........121 ..........July 24, 1936
Kentucky ..........114 ..........July 28, 1930
Louisiana ..........114 ..........Aug. 10, 1936
Maine ..........105 ..........July 10, 1911
Maryland ..........109 ..........July 10, 1936
Massachusetts ..........107 ..........Aug. 2, 1975
Michigan ..........112 ..........July 13, 1936
Minnesota ..........114 ..........July 6, 1936
Mississippi ..........115 ..........July 29, 1930
Missouri ..........118 ..........July 14, 1954
Montana ..........117 ..........July 5, 1937
Nebraska ..........118 ..........July 24, 1936
Nevada ..........125 ..........June 29, 1994
New Hampshire ..........106 ..........July 4, 1911
New Jersey ..........110 ..........July 10, 1936
New Mexico ..........122 ..........June 27, 1994
New York ..........108 ..........July 22, 1926
North Carolina ..........110 ..........Aug. 21, 1983
North Dakota ..........121 ..........July 6, 1936
Ohio ..........113 ..........July 21, 1934
Oklahoma ..........120 ..........June 27, 1994
Oregon ..........119 ..........Aug. 10, 1898
Pennsylvania ..........111 ..........July 10, 1936
Rhode Island ..........104 ..........Aug. 2, 1975
South Carolina ..........111 ..........June 28, 1954
South Dakota ..........120 ..........July 15, 2006
Tennessee ..........113 ..........Aug. 9, 1930
Texas ..........120 ..........Aug. 12, 1936
Utah ..........117 ..........July 5, 1985
Vermont ..........105 ..........July 4, 1911
Virginia ..........110 ..........July 15, 1954
Washington ..........118 ..........Aug. 5, 1961
West Virginia ..........112 ..........July 10, 1936
Wisconsin ..........114 ..........July 13, 1936
Wyoming ..........116 ..........Aug. 8, 1983
That’s right! Alaska and Hawaii.
Hawaii is surrounded by the Pacific Ocean and cooling ocean breezes are enough to keep it from reaching the higher temperatures.
Source: U.S. National Climatic Data Center (last updated August 2006)
Alaska, of course.
Any guesses? (I guessed Maine and was wrong.) Before I reveal the answer, here is the chart on the highest temperatures recorded by state.
State high temperature records
State Temp Date
Alabama..........112 ..........Sept. 5, 1925
Alaska ..........100 ..........June 27, 1915
Arizona ..........128 .......... June 29, 1994
Arkansas ..........120 ..........Aug. 10, 1936
California ..........134 ..........July 10, 1913
Colorado ..........118 ..........July 11, 1888
Connecticut ..........106 ..........July 15, 1995
Delaware ..........110 ..........July 21, 1930
Florida ..........109 ..........June 29, 1931
Georgia ..........112 ..........July 24, 1952
Hawaii ..........100 ..........April 27,1931
Idaho ..........118 ..........July 28, 1934
Illinois ..........117 ..........July 14, 1954
Indiana ..........116.......... July 14, 1936
Iowa ..........118 ..........July 20, 1934
Kansas ..........121 ..........July 24, 1936
Kentucky ..........114 ..........July 28, 1930
Louisiana ..........114 ..........Aug. 10, 1936
Maine ..........105 ..........July 10, 1911
Maryland ..........109 ..........July 10, 1936
Massachusetts ..........107 ..........Aug. 2, 1975
Michigan ..........112 ..........July 13, 1936
Minnesota ..........114 ..........July 6, 1936
Mississippi ..........115 ..........July 29, 1930
Missouri ..........118 ..........July 14, 1954
Montana ..........117 ..........July 5, 1937
Nebraska ..........118 ..........July 24, 1936
Nevada ..........125 ..........June 29, 1994
New Hampshire ..........106 ..........July 4, 1911
New Jersey ..........110 ..........July 10, 1936
New Mexico ..........122 ..........June 27, 1994
New York ..........108 ..........July 22, 1926
North Carolina ..........110 ..........Aug. 21, 1983
North Dakota ..........121 ..........July 6, 1936
Ohio ..........113 ..........July 21, 1934
Oklahoma ..........120 ..........June 27, 1994
Oregon ..........119 ..........Aug. 10, 1898
Pennsylvania ..........111 ..........July 10, 1936
Rhode Island ..........104 ..........Aug. 2, 1975
South Carolina ..........111 ..........June 28, 1954
South Dakota ..........120 ..........July 15, 2006
Tennessee ..........113 ..........Aug. 9, 1930
Texas ..........120 ..........Aug. 12, 1936
Utah ..........117 ..........July 5, 1985
Vermont ..........105 ..........July 4, 1911
Virginia ..........110 ..........July 15, 1954
Washington ..........118 ..........Aug. 5, 1961
West Virginia ..........112 ..........July 10, 1936
Wisconsin ..........114 ..........July 13, 1936
Wyoming ..........116 ..........Aug. 8, 1983
That’s right! Alaska and Hawaii.
Hawaii is surrounded by the Pacific Ocean and cooling ocean breezes are enough to keep it from reaching the higher temperatures.
Source: U.S. National Climatic Data Center (last updated August 2006)
HolyJuan in Hungary
I drew a cartoon back in 06' about using World of Warcraft in job interviews. It looked like this:
A story about NOT using WoW in job interviews came out and my cartoon became a little popular around the world. A site in Hungary picked it up and translated it for all the Hungary people:
This just might be the greatest accomplishment of my life.
A story about NOT using WoW in job interviews came out and my cartoon became a little popular around the world. A site in Hungary picked it up and translated it for all the Hungary people:
This just might be the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Can you find seven things wrong with this photo?
Dave moved to Maine and here he is in his new house. Can you find seven things wrong with this photo? (click to enlarge)
Skully’s Sign Language
Skully’s is a very loud place and communication can be difficult. Yelling, “You are smoking hot!” to a chick can be easily misinterpreted as, “I have dog shit on my foot!”
To avoid confusion, we have developed a series of hand gestures to help you communicate during your time of need.
I can drink a lot more
A very common question at Skully's is, "You want another drink?" This is non-verbally communicated through one of several common gestures. The answer, though, should not be passed off with a simple "yes" head bob. Instead, try the following:
Hands to the sides and say, “I can drink…….”
(Pause for effect) Raise them above your head, “A LOT MORE!”
Back off Bitch!
Sometimes a woman cannot control herself and will attack you bodily on the dance floor. If she cannot hear you yell at her to back the fuck off, whip off your belt and give her this non-verbal signal to the head.
Punch to the Bald Head
Are you sick and tired of bald guys getting all the hot chicks? What I really hate is when two of them show up to the bar and exponentially scoop up all the hotties. When you finally grow weary of this, pop the following hand gesture on the hairless bastards to break things up.
I'm Married
Skully's is a dangerous place for a married man. Young, hot chicks can smell a keeper and they will thrust themselves upon you. When you find yourself in this situation below:
Pull back and point at the ring:
You might break the youngin's heart, but it's best to get it over quickly.
You might have to repeat this often throughout the night in different situations.
Two Many Witnesses
Sometimes you will meet a hot chick that wants to ride you around the dance floor like an 120v electric bull on 220v. Sadly, many of the friends you came to Skully's with would disapprove of your contact with said young lady. To share your disappointment with a colleague who understands your predicament, use the following series of hang gestures
Too
Many
Witnesses
Chicks I've Banged Tonight
Sometimes it's OK to brag. Hold up those fingers and let the people know how many worlds you've rocked that night.
Marry Me
At Skully's, anything can happy. Love flows like melting records at a World Harvest Church Music Burning. If the moment is right and the love in your heart cannot be contained, buy a $5 rose from the guy with the bucket of $1 roses, drop to one knee and profess your silent love.
I am the Happiest Man in the World Right Now
Hard to arrange. Difficult not to get beat by your wife once she sees it. Worth every second.
To avoid confusion, we have developed a series of hand gestures to help you communicate during your time of need.
I can drink a lot more
A very common question at Skully's is, "You want another drink?" This is non-verbally communicated through one of several common gestures. The answer, though, should not be passed off with a simple "yes" head bob. Instead, try the following:
Hands to the sides and say, “I can drink…….”
(Pause for effect) Raise them above your head, “A LOT MORE!”
Back off Bitch!
Sometimes a woman cannot control herself and will attack you bodily on the dance floor. If she cannot hear you yell at her to back the fuck off, whip off your belt and give her this non-verbal signal to the head.
Punch to the Bald Head
Are you sick and tired of bald guys getting all the hot chicks? What I really hate is when two of them show up to the bar and exponentially scoop up all the hotties. When you finally grow weary of this, pop the following hand gesture on the hairless bastards to break things up.
I'm Married
Skully's is a dangerous place for a married man. Young, hot chicks can smell a keeper and they will thrust themselves upon you. When you find yourself in this situation below:
Pull back and point at the ring:
You might break the youngin's heart, but it's best to get it over quickly.
You might have to repeat this often throughout the night in different situations.
Two Many Witnesses
Sometimes you will meet a hot chick that wants to ride you around the dance floor like an 120v electric bull on 220v. Sadly, many of the friends you came to Skully's with would disapprove of your contact with said young lady. To share your disappointment with a colleague who understands your predicament, use the following series of hang gestures
Too
Many
Witnesses
Chicks I've Banged Tonight
Sometimes it's OK to brag. Hold up those fingers and let the people know how many worlds you've rocked that night.
Marry Me
At Skully's, anything can happy. Love flows like melting records at a World Harvest Church Music Burning. If the moment is right and the love in your heart cannot be contained, buy a $5 rose from the guy with the bucket of $1 roses, drop to one knee and profess your silent love.
I am the Happiest Man in the World Right Now
Hard to arrange. Difficult not to get beat by your wife once she sees it. Worth every second.
Missing My Friends
Meshell's in New York City
And Dave's in Maine
And Steph's In Washington
And visiting them's a pain
So I'll write this poem
And hope they read my site
Cause I miss them all
And JJ Walker says Dy-no-mite!
And Dave's in Maine
And Steph's In Washington
And visiting them's a pain
So I'll write this poem
And hope they read my site
Cause I miss them all
And JJ Walker says Dy-no-mite!
Laws You Don’t Know Yet
The 0th Law of Physics
This Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.
Ray’s Law
This Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.
At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.
One Second Browser Window Close Law
This Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.
The Internet Oneupsman Law
This Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.
This Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.
Ray’s Law
This Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.
At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.
One Second Browser Window Close Law
This Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.
The Internet Oneupsman Law
This Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.
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