Meshell's in New York City
And Dave's in Maine
And Steph's In Washington
And visiting them's a pain
So I'll write this poem
And hope they read my site
Cause I miss them all
And JJ Walker says Dy-no-mite!
Laws You Don’t Know Yet
The 0th Law of Physics
This Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.
Ray’s Law
This Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.
At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.
One Second Browser Window Close Law
This Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.
The Internet Oneupsman Law
This Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.
This Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.
Ray’s Law
This Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.
At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.
One Second Browser Window Close Law
This Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.
The Internet Oneupsman Law
This Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.
John and Experimental Drugs
John was on a few experimental drugs to help him grow some additional hair.
The drugs didn't work, but the side effects sure did.
The drugs didn't work, but the side effects sure did.
Backfired
I had to get a PPD or tuberculosis (TB) test done the other day. The tech said there would be a small prick as she shoved the needle sidewise into the subdermal layer. The goo she pumped into me would react to TB and begin to get red and fester if I was positive. When she withdrew the needle the injection site bled a bit more than she thought it would. She stuck on a band-aid, told me to come back in 48 – 72 hours, slapped me on the ass and I was on my way.
That was Wednesday.
I showed the injection site to my co-workers. There was a dark bruise where the needle had gone in. I said that was not a TB reaction and more from the needle. I told them they would know if it was a positive test. We looked at positive results on the internet. The positives ranged from a silver dollar sized discoloration to a fist sized, red, angry blotch. I wasn't worried.
Then came Thursday.
I didn’t have time to run into the doctor’s to get the injection site checked at the 48 hour mark so I decided to wait up until the 72 hour mark. Three of my co-workers were in a meeting and I decided to play a joke on them. I went to Steph and asked her for any makeup to create a false positive on my arm. She said she didn’t have any (or that she didn’t want her make-up on my arm,) but directed me towards the oil pastel “crayons” at the drawing table. I used some red, orange and brown to make a pancake sized blemish around the injection site. The pastels were hard so I needed to mark a dark line and then rub the area to spread it out convincingly. I showed my work to Steph. She shook her head and got the pastels back out and made my crappy attempt a lot more tuberculosisy. Then I waited.
When the boys got out of their meeting, they gathered around Clair’s desk. I walked up and reminded them of the injection. Then I pulled up my sleeve to reveal the "festering" site.
They were torn between shitting their pants and clenching their butt cheeks, did neither, and instead stared open jawed while slowly leaning backwards 5 degrees. I expressed my own disbelief and that I didn’t know what to do. We all asked questions that no one answered. I finally said, “This looks like I took pastels and drew on my arm.” They said it did. Then I said, “No, I mean it looks like I drew on my arm with several colors of pastels.”
Erik got it and so did Michael. I think Keegan figured it out around Friday.
We had a good laugh and I washed off the pastels. It took a good bit of scrubbing, but I got it cleaned up.
Then came Thursday night.
Miss Sally was working late and then went out for drinks with friends. I was at the computer when she came home around 11pm. While talking to her she grew alarmed and said, “What’s up with your arm?”
At the injection site, the smallish bruise had expanded out to about silver dollar size. I assumed it was from the rubbing on of the pastels and the scrubbing off of said pastels off.
“That looks like a positive result.” Sally would know. She and her team have to get tested every three years. She's seen a positive result before. I said, “It’s just the bruise.” But then I looked again. The bruise was there, but it had definitely spread out. And it started to look red. And slightly angry. Sally asked, “Did you get it checked?” No. “Are you going to?” Yes. Tomorrow.
And she went to bed.
I stayed up and looked up positive TB tests on the internet. They started to look a lot like mine. Then I looked at what I would have to go through the next six months on antibiotics. With no drinking alcohol. HolyJuan wept.
It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.
Friday morning.
I went to the doctors first thing before work. I checked in and went to the tech’s area. The girl who gave me the shot was there. She said she remembered me. I said that I remembered her and stuck out my arm. Her eyes shot open wide. “That’s a big bruise!”
A bruise? It’s not a positive result? “Nope, you are ok. I remember that you bled after I gave you the injection. That’s the biggest bruise I’ve ever seen from a TB test.” I assume that most people do not rub and scrub their TB test area while fucking around at work. I think I aggravated the bruise a bit. I wasn't about to tell the tech.
I put down my sleeve and smiled, “Yeah, it’s almost like I put marker on my arm.”
That was Wednesday.
I showed the injection site to my co-workers. There was a dark bruise where the needle had gone in. I said that was not a TB reaction and more from the needle. I told them they would know if it was a positive test. We looked at positive results on the internet. The positives ranged from a silver dollar sized discoloration to a fist sized, red, angry blotch. I wasn't worried.
Then came Thursday.
I didn’t have time to run into the doctor’s to get the injection site checked at the 48 hour mark so I decided to wait up until the 72 hour mark. Three of my co-workers were in a meeting and I decided to play a joke on them. I went to Steph and asked her for any makeup to create a false positive on my arm. She said she didn’t have any (or that she didn’t want her make-up on my arm,) but directed me towards the oil pastel “crayons” at the drawing table. I used some red, orange and brown to make a pancake sized blemish around the injection site. The pastels were hard so I needed to mark a dark line and then rub the area to spread it out convincingly. I showed my work to Steph. She shook her head and got the pastels back out and made my crappy attempt a lot more tuberculosisy. Then I waited.
When the boys got out of their meeting, they gathered around Clair’s desk. I walked up and reminded them of the injection. Then I pulled up my sleeve to reveal the "festering" site.
They were torn between shitting their pants and clenching their butt cheeks, did neither, and instead stared open jawed while slowly leaning backwards 5 degrees. I expressed my own disbelief and that I didn’t know what to do. We all asked questions that no one answered. I finally said, “This looks like I took pastels and drew on my arm.” They said it did. Then I said, “No, I mean it looks like I drew on my arm with several colors of pastels.”
Erik got it and so did Michael. I think Keegan figured it out around Friday.
We had a good laugh and I washed off the pastels. It took a good bit of scrubbing, but I got it cleaned up.
Then came Thursday night.
Miss Sally was working late and then went out for drinks with friends. I was at the computer when she came home around 11pm. While talking to her she grew alarmed and said, “What’s up with your arm?”
At the injection site, the smallish bruise had expanded out to about silver dollar size. I assumed it was from the rubbing on of the pastels and the scrubbing off of said pastels off.
“That looks like a positive result.” Sally would know. She and her team have to get tested every three years. She's seen a positive result before. I said, “It’s just the bruise.” But then I looked again. The bruise was there, but it had definitely spread out. And it started to look red. And slightly angry. Sally asked, “Did you get it checked?” No. “Are you going to?” Yes. Tomorrow.
And she went to bed.
I stayed up and looked up positive TB tests on the internet. They started to look a lot like mine. Then I looked at what I would have to go through the next six months on antibiotics. With no drinking alcohol. HolyJuan wept.
It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.
Friday morning.
I went to the doctors first thing before work. I checked in and went to the tech’s area. The girl who gave me the shot was there. She said she remembered me. I said that I remembered her and stuck out my arm. Her eyes shot open wide. “That’s a big bruise!”
A bruise? It’s not a positive result? “Nope, you are ok. I remember that you bled after I gave you the injection. That’s the biggest bruise I’ve ever seen from a TB test.” I assume that most people do not rub and scrub their TB test area while fucking around at work. I think I aggravated the bruise a bit. I wasn't about to tell the tech.
I put down my sleeve and smiled, “Yeah, it’s almost like I put marker on my arm.”
Yellow Pages and the Jesus Fish
If you are like me, you avoid companies that use the Jesus Fish to advertise. It seems very hypocritical. 
Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?
I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus
I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:
Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:
These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.
This guy has gone completely overboard.
This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):
I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.
I am confused by these fishes.
This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?
Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.
Where's the fish?
I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:
Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.
Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)
Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.
There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.
I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.
Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus
I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:
Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:
These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.
This guy has gone completely overboard.
This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):
I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.
I am confused by these fishes.
This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?
Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.
Where's the fish?
I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:
Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.
Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)
Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.
There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.
I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.
Top 10 Jobs for 2009
Obama Shrine Fabricator
Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be
Forecloser
“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter
Coldplay Lawyer
Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive
Stocks into Origami Artist
Palin for Prez2010 2012 T-shirt Maker
Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor
SNL Critic
Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be
Forecloser
“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter
Coldplay Lawyer
Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive
Stocks into Origami Artist
Palin for Prez
Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor
SNL Critic
CRUSH!
You might be familiar with an experiment that involves heating a container with a small amount of water in it, capping it and then cooling it. The cooling causes a difference in pressure and the result is very fun to watch.
My friend Keegan decided to try this experiment with an oil drum. Here is the result:
He was pretty proud of this experiment and claimed that it was the largest type of experiment he had seen on the internet. That was until we found this one:
Not exactly the same experiment, but the result is amazing.
My friend Keegan decided to try this experiment with an oil drum. Here is the result:
He was pretty proud of this experiment and claimed that it was the largest type of experiment he had seen on the internet. That was until we found this one:
Not exactly the same experiment, but the result is amazing.
Heart of Stone
Anne and I used to resort to simplistic means of dealing with project management stress and anger through various hand symbols with taglines. My favorite is “COMMIT.” (Create two fists and bump them knuckles together twice in front of your chest. Commit is used when you have a decision to make and decide to do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing.) The one I am using today is “HEART OF STONE.” (Create one fist and place it thumb first on your heart. Heart of Stone is used when you remove emotion from the equation and continue moving forward. Make a stone of your heart.)
I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.
Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”
And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.
I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.
Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”
And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.
Penis Size Chart Updated! (SFW)
The "desirable penis size" chart was recently updated and all I can say is "Look out Ladies!"
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