The 2008 Presidential Candidates: What will they look like in four years?

We've all seen how the Presidency can age someone. Here is a fast forward look as to what the Presidential Candidates might look like four years into the future.

Mitt Romney


John Edwards


Rudy Giuliani


John McCain


Barack Obama


Mike Huckabee


Ron Paul


Hillary Clinton




{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.

The Perfect Museum Exhibit

In a recent survey, we asked a bunch of people what they thought archeology was. They said dinosaurs. So from our vast experience of people and what people like, we designed the perfect science museum exhibit based on what people like. And people like the following:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:

Anne's Plant

Here is Anne's plant:


While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.

I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.

Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus

Dear HolyJuan

Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.

I need your help.

Thanks!

~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com


Dear ~Marcie,

Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?

I think we have found our culprit.

Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.

After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.

By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.

In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.

Otherwise, you’ll be fine.

Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.

Greg and Dad - Dick Cheney's Heart

{Greg and Dad is a cartoon segment of HolyJuan where Greg (aged 4 years)draws a cartoon and dad adds the caption.}

HolyJuan’s Predictions for 2008

OK, so none of my predictions for 2007 came true except for the “3. Bird Flu will not have an effect on the world’s population… this year,” prediction.

Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.

1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.

2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.

3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.

4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.

5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.

6. Calculator watches will come back in style.

7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.

8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.

9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.

10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.

Giant Chicken or Taloned Beast Footprints on Mars

I'm not sure why everyone is so excited about the Bigfoot on Mars when in the same photo there are clear and undeniable chicken or "taloned beast" prints on the ground. NASA is slacking on the Photoshopping of their photos to cover up life on Mars.

I love it

Rich Silverstein of the celebrated advertising firm of Goodby and Silverstein may take the cake for the most audacious effort to win over a potential client when he pitched Isuzu Motors. Silverstein printed up flyers and had them placed in the windshields of Isuzu all over San Francisco, offering to pay $50 to anyone who parked his or her car within a two block radius of the advertising office at the foot of Telegraph Hill. Who could resist? The visiting Isuzu executives were amazed to enter a neighborhood that looked like a giant Isuzu dealership and Silverstein got the account.

The Art of Innovation

Tom Kelley

Beautiful...

mad max haiku

I use StatCounter to track my hits and to help me stalk the eight people who come to my site. StatCounter will also let me see what word searches people use to get here. Someone did a search on Google for “mad max haiku driving” and found my site.

So I thought I would help them out next time they do the search.

Alone with your car
Gasoline non-existent
Chainsaw guns are not

Jung Personality Test Results - AHOL

I took a Jung Typology “personality test” and as it turns out they sum your life up in four letters. Here’s mine:

AHOL - "Egotistical Bastard". Extroverted, self-intellectual with a preference for telling others what their opinion is. A self loving hater and a destroyer of relationships. Fortunately, they only encompass only 0.02% of total population.

To outsiders, AHOLs may appear to project an aura of "egotistical bastardness", of complete self-confidence. This incredibly over the top self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for complicated arrogance by idiots, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most AHOLs start building right after the loss of virginity. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and AHOLs can have several (they know everything you do not)-- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, which they can’t because you are a complete mess. AHOLs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know, which is nothing.

AHOLs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest as long as they get something out of it. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is other people holding them back. You, especially.

AHOLs are known as the "Mind Fuck" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of cock blockedness and ruthless despair. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this though a verbal beat down; AHOLs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. In other words, you are dumb and you should get the fuck out of his way.

Probably the strongest AHOL assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to make others feel like complete idiots. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated verbal taunts, sketches of private parts and e-mails of a highly improper nature.