President Ford's Artificial Leg Sold at Auction

New York (HJ) – In front of a busy Sunday saleroom and crowded telephone bank at Sotheby’s New York today, against a pre-sale estimate of US$300,000 - $450,000*, President Gerald Ford’s artificial leg was the subject of intense bidding between several American collectors and Scandinavian Royalty.

President Ford lost his leg in a boating accident in 1946. The loss of the limb was kept secret from the public, especially during his political career. Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library and Museum historian Mary Hasston was at the auction and gave some insight into the history of the limb, “Many thought President Ford to be a clumsy person and those people might feel a bit silly knowing that the President wore an artificial leg. Mrs. Ford and I were the only people outside of the White House that knew of the limb.” She recalled, “He kept a bottle of Dewar's White Label Scotch Whiskey in a secret compartment of the leg. The half empty bottle was removed prior to the auction.”

Talking about the prices achieved today, Rufus Kessler, Sotheby’s International Head of Artificial Limbs, Eyes and Hair commented: “We’re greatly honored to have been given the opportunity to provide this rare item to our members. Hopefully someone will put it to good use.”

After an intense bidding battle between at least three bidders; it was eventually sold to an antiquities dealer from Pittsburgh, PA who asked to remain anonymous. Mr. Kyle Deeds did state for the record that he was going to turn the leg, “…into a lamp or a hat stand. I hated President Ford.” The final bid for the artificial leg was $1.3 million.

The price represents a new auction record for a Presidential artificial limb. Only one other Presidential Artificial Limb exists and that one is buried with President Gerald Ford.

* Pre-sale estimates do not include buyer’s premium or any disinfecting of the item

IKEA and Jesus

My Dirty Little Music Secret

Octomom Brand Diapers

Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?

Dear HolyJuan,

My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.

My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.

HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.

Senior Blanco

Dear Sr. Blanco,

Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.

I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.

What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.

This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.

Signed,

HolyJuan

PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)

Do you think he knows that she's fake?

I am a thief

A few months ago, I had a great, original idea for a t-shirt. I spent about three minutes on the photoshop and then zipped on over to Skreened.com where I promptly added my “Milk, Milk, Lemonade” design to a t-shirt and waited for the money to roll in.



About three days later, a reader e-mailed me to say that someone had stolen my shirt idea and created a similar t-shirt. They mentioned that this somehow happened about two years before I designed my “original” shirt. I immediately started to track down this thief and their time machine.

When I looked up “milk, milk lemonade t-shirt” on Google, I was amazed. There are at least 20 varieties of the same design.

This design (clicky) is exactly like mine, right down to the curly arrow pointing ‘round the corner. Sure there are slight differences, but basically I am a plagiarizer.

I am a thief. I suck.

My Nicknames

My nicknames in alphabetical order:

Doug E Fresh
Doug Funny
Dougie Big Nuts
Drain Bamage
Handsy
Lancaster
Mr. Doug
Mr. P
Pahoehoe
Paul
Paul Hida
Pow
Powie
Pow-Pow
Rat Boy
Rat Man
Uncle Doug
(From the comments and additional names I remembered afterwards)
Poodle
Grandes Boules
Doug Doggie Dougg
Velveeta
Egotistical Bastard
Radio Boy


If you can think of any others, please let me know.

Cheese Plate's

I spent too much time trying to decide if the first one was grammatically correct before I noticed the second one.

Zombie. Not Zombie

There is a "beauty doctor" in Westerville, OH that advertises in the free local rag. I enjoy her pencil sketches of what miracles she can perform. This week's ad needed a little bit of help:

ORIGINAL AD


FIXED


Some other of her ads HERE.