Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?
Dear HolyJuan,
My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.
My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.
HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.
Senior Blanco
Dear Sr. Blanco,
Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.
I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.
What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.
This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)
My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.
My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.
HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.
Senior Blanco
Dear Sr. Blanco,
Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.
I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.
What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.
This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)
I am a thief
A few months ago, I had a great, original idea for a t-shirt. I spent about three minutes on the photoshop and then zipped on over to Skreened.com where I promptly added my “Milk, Milk, Lemonade” design to a t-shirt and waited for the money to roll in.
About three days later, a reader e-mailed me to say that someone had stolen my shirt idea and created a similar t-shirt. They mentioned that this somehow happened about two years before I designed my “original” shirt. I immediately started to track down this thief and their time machine.
When I looked up “milk, milk lemonade t-shirt” on Google, I was amazed. There are at least 20 varieties of the same design.
This design (clicky) is exactly like mine, right down to the curly arrow pointing ‘round the corner. Sure there are slight differences, but basically I am a plagiarizer.
I am a thief. I suck.
About three days later, a reader e-mailed me to say that someone had stolen my shirt idea and created a similar t-shirt. They mentioned that this somehow happened about two years before I designed my “original” shirt. I immediately started to track down this thief and their time machine.
When I looked up “milk, milk lemonade t-shirt” on Google, I was amazed. There are at least 20 varieties of the same design.
This design (clicky) is exactly like mine, right down to the curly arrow pointing ‘round the corner. Sure there are slight differences, but basically I am a plagiarizer.
I am a thief. I suck.
My Nicknames
My nicknames in alphabetical order:
Doug E Fresh
Doug Funny
Dougie Big Nuts
Drain Bamage
Handsy
Lancaster
Mr. Doug
Mr. P
Pahoehoe
Paul
Paul Hida
Pow
Powie
Pow-Pow
Rat Boy
Rat Man
Uncle Doug
(From the comments and additional names I remembered afterwards)
Poodle
Grandes Boules
Doug Doggie Dougg
Velveeta
Egotistical Bastard
Radio Boy
If you can think of any others, please let me know.
Doug E Fresh
Doug Funny
Dougie Big Nuts
Drain Bamage
Handsy
Lancaster
Mr. Doug
Mr. P
Pahoehoe
Paul
Paul Hida
Pow
Powie
Pow-Pow
Rat Boy
Rat Man
Uncle Doug
(From the comments and additional names I remembered afterwards)
Poodle
Grandes Boules
Doug Doggie Dougg
Velveeta
Egotistical Bastard
Radio Boy
If you can think of any others, please let me know.
Cheese Plate's
I spent too much time trying to decide if the first one was grammatically correct before I noticed the second one.
Zombie. Not Zombie
There is a "beauty doctor" in Westerville, OH that advertises in the free local rag. I enjoy her pencil sketches of what miracles she can perform. This week's ad needed a little bit of help:
ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe
ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.
Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”
The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.
Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”
Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”
Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”
The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.
Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”
Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”
American Girl Relieved That She Doesn’t Have The Force
HOLLAND OH (HJ) - High school senior Cheryl Heft of Toledo, Ohio was saddened, but relieved to find out that she did not have the mystical power of “The Force” while touring in Italy.
Cheryl spoke
to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground.
“At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”
Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”
Cheryl spoke
to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground. “At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”
Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”
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