Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Jesus... that's morbid (explained)
I have received a surprising number of e-mails concerning the "Jesus... that's morbid" cartoon asking me what the fuck is going on with it. Here is the comic in question:
And here is an explanation:
He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!
And here is an explanation:
He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!
Funny comments from my Jesus Fish article
Awhile back ago, I wrote about Avoiding the Jesus Fish. My personal opinion is that people who advertise with a Jesus Fish are two bit scammers, working on the hearts, rather than the minds of consumers. Maybe a good advertising ploy, but I assume Jesus would frown upon it.
It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:
Anonymous said...
I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!
Doug said...
See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.
But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal
Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.
Good day friend!
Anonymous said...
While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.
Doug said...
NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.
You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.
You sicken me.
Anonymous said...
Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.
The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."
The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.
I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.
I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.
Doug said...
Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.
Anonymous said...
Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!
Doug said...
Thanks for playing.
It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:
Anonymous said...
I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!
Doug said...
See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.
But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal
Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.
Good day friend!
Anonymous said...
While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.
Doug said...
NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.
You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.
You sicken me.
Anonymous said...
Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.
The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."
The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.
I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.
I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.
Doug said...
Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.
Anonymous said...
Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!
Doug said...
Thanks for playing.
Jesus opens a cleaning business
I got this business card from my classmate Jamey:
Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."
Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."
Yellow Pages and the Jesus Fish
If you are like me, you avoid companies that use the Jesus Fish to advertise. It seems very hypocritical. 
Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?
I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus
I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:
Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:
These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.
This guy has gone completely overboard.
This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):
I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.
I am confused by these fishes.
This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?
Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.
Where's the fish?
I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:
Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.
Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)
Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.
There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.
I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.
Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus
I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:
Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:
These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.
This guy has gone completely overboard.
This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):
I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.
I am confused by these fishes.
This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?
Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.
Where's the fish?
I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:
Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.
Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)
Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.
There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.
I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.
Heart of Stone
Anne and I used to resort to simplistic means of dealing with project management stress and anger through various hand symbols with taglines. My favorite is “COMMIT.” (Create two fists and bump them knuckles together twice in front of your chest. Commit is used when you have a decision to make and decide to do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing.) The one I am using today is “HEART OF STONE.” (Create one fist and place it thumb first on your heart. Heart of Stone is used when you remove emotion from the equation and continue moving forward. Make a stone of your heart.)
I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.
Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”
And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.
I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.
Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”
And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.
The next False Idol is...
All right people! Calm down! I know it's Easter, but don't get your baskets all interwoven... I was just commenting on two things:
1. If Jesus were persecuted today, don't you think we would do it in an American Idol/reality show type format?
2. I thought the Simon thing was clever... unless you don't know the fifth station of the cross. Then it's probably not funny at all.
Jesus Candy
My wife works at a pre-school. They have events for the kids and sometimes purchase novelty items and decorations concurrent with the theme. There are several vendors that supply these cheap trinkets, baubles and colorful decorations.
One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.
Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.
The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.
Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:
“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."
That cleared up everything…
Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.
“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:
WHAT THE HELL!
RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”
BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.
Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?
Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?
What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?
These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.
In case you want to place an order:
Jesus Footprints
Jellybeans of the Apocalypse
One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.
Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.
The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.
Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:
“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."
That cleared up everything…
Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.
“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:
WHAT THE HELL!
RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”
BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.
Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?
Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?
What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?
These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.
In case you want to place an order:
Jesus Footprints
Jellybeans of the Apocalypse
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