1. NO BODY GLITTER! LET THIS BE THE FIRST LAW.
2. All stripper perfume is allowed to initially smell like cotton candy or vanilla, but within five minutes of leaving the establishment, must transform to smell like church incense or library books.
3. Every private dance song will either be Alice’s Restaurant or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
4. Any garment that is not see through must be removed before the second song.
5. No dancing into the second trimester.
6. All stripper names must be named after cars. This will enable men to speak freely about their experiences and not get a beat down from the women folk.
7. No lactating. I mean it.
8. Before you leave the nudie bar, attendants will change back your ones for larger bills that are crisp with no folds or creases.
9. The following types of tattoos must be covered in lap dance proof makeup:
-other guys’ names
-any reference to Daddy
10. No cesarean section scars over two feet long.
11. No piercings with sharp edges.
12. No biting. I know you might think that we think it is hot (it is), but it requires us have our buddies create larger, cover-up bruises and then excuses for the bruises.
13. All nipples should face forward between 15 degrees up and 35 degrees down. Any nipples facing more than 35 degrees down will be immediately fined $10 for every degree.
14. Any dance garment that is wider than 3” is completely illegal.