Years ago when David Byrne's "Look into the Eyeball" album came out, I argued with several people about the nature of the song "The Great Intoxication." My take was that the song was about a third person observing a relationship and that the third person was hot for the chick in the relationship. My friends disagreed. I was poo-poo'd. I was brushed off.
Now I find out that I'm right, but no one remembers disagreeing with me and no one remembers poo-pooing me and no one lays claim to the brush off.
So, for your listening entertainment...
I WAS RIGHT!
Fuckers.
Great, great song by the way.
The Baby Bird that Flew Away
A few weeks ago, Greg and the neighbor girl happened upon a baby bird that was hopping through the back yard. I had them watch it from a distance and said not to bother it. The bird didn’t look injured and was hopping and then flapping it wings. It seemed like it was a day or two away from flying if the cats didn’t find it.
Lunch was served and we went inside, the bird forgotten.
Mom left to run some errands and Greg and I stayed home. I was vacuuming the living room when I noticed Greg trying to get into the doors leading from the deck. It takes him two hands to get the door open and one of his hands was occupied with holding an orange, plastic beach bucket. So without both hands, he was just yanking on the door handle, yelling at me though the glass. With various hand gestures and yells back and forth, I finally gave in and ended up turning off the vacuum and opening the door for him, warning him not to bring in a bucket that was probably filled with dirt and worms.
He said, “The baby bird is sick,” and showed me the contents of the bucket. It contained one, very dead baby bird.
I said, “Greg, this bird is pretty sick. I don’t think he is going to make it.”
Greg looked very sad. I immediately said, “You know what… I’ll give him a drink of water and put him in the front yard in the shade. Maybe he will feel better.” Greg agreed with my medical assessment and treatment. I sent him on his way to the back yard.
I gave the bird a little water and put him and his bucket in the shade in the front yard.
A few hours later, Greg happened upon the orange bucket.
Greg came running in with the bucket and said, “Dad! The bucket is empty! The bird flew away.”
And I said, “He must have felt better and flew off!”
I sent Greg back outside to rinse out the bucket with the garden hose.
Lunch was served and we went inside, the bird forgotten.
Mom left to run some errands and Greg and I stayed home. I was vacuuming the living room when I noticed Greg trying to get into the doors leading from the deck. It takes him two hands to get the door open and one of his hands was occupied with holding an orange, plastic beach bucket. So without both hands, he was just yanking on the door handle, yelling at me though the glass. With various hand gestures and yells back and forth, I finally gave in and ended up turning off the vacuum and opening the door for him, warning him not to bring in a bucket that was probably filled with dirt and worms.
He said, “The baby bird is sick,” and showed me the contents of the bucket. It contained one, very dead baby bird.
I said, “Greg, this bird is pretty sick. I don’t think he is going to make it.”
Greg looked very sad. I immediately said, “You know what… I’ll give him a drink of water and put him in the front yard in the shade. Maybe he will feel better.” Greg agreed with my medical assessment and treatment. I sent him on his way to the back yard.
I gave the bird a little water and put him and his bucket in the shade in the front yard.
A few hours later, Greg happened upon the orange bucket.
Greg came running in with the bucket and said, “Dad! The bucket is empty! The bird flew away.”
And I said, “He must have felt better and flew off!”
I sent Greg back outside to rinse out the bucket with the garden hose.
Shot in the ass
I have strep again for the second time in two weeks.
The first time I was prescribed the antibiotic penicillin. I was confused at the pharmacist's counter when she showed me the pills, because for the past five years, I've only seen antibiotics in liquid form with fruity flavorings. I couldn't remember the last time I had penicillin in pill form.
I did my ten days, three pills a day and life was good.
Friday I woke up with a sore throat and today I got swabbed and affirmed. Strep again.
This time, I got a shot of penicillin with a prescription chaser. The shot was in my butt. I've never had a shot in my ass, but it was just like on TV sitcoms. The nurse was pretty. I had to drop my pants. I was bent over a table. I had to lift the shot side leg and reposition it to take the weight off. Rubbing alcohol was liberally rubbed on. She slid a few fingers in my anus to relax my gluteus maximus. Then I got the shot. Band-aid was applied and I was out the door.
I hope it works this time. But for some aching reason, I want to go back to the doctor's office.
The first time I was prescribed the antibiotic penicillin. I was confused at the pharmacist's counter when she showed me the pills, because for the past five years, I've only seen antibiotics in liquid form with fruity flavorings. I couldn't remember the last time I had penicillin in pill form.
I did my ten days, three pills a day and life was good.
Friday I woke up with a sore throat and today I got swabbed and affirmed. Strep again.
This time, I got a shot of penicillin with a prescription chaser. The shot was in my butt. I've never had a shot in my ass, but it was just like on TV sitcoms. The nurse was pretty. I had to drop my pants. I was bent over a table. I had to lift the shot side leg and reposition it to take the weight off. Rubbing alcohol was liberally rubbed on. She slid a few fingers in my anus to relax my gluteus maximus. Then I got the shot. Band-aid was applied and I was out the door.
I hope it works this time. But for some aching reason, I want to go back to the doctor's office.
Analysts Predict $100 Drop in Oil Price with Obama Election Win
ATHENS, OH – Researchers at The Ohio University School of Foreign Economics and Petroleum Studies have predicted a major drop in oil prices with the election of Senator Barack Obama as President of the United States. Statistics were gathered from six months of intensive economic and socioeconomic studies.
Professor Martin Lynn, PhD in Economics simply stated that, “Obama has a lovely skin tone very similar to the glistening color of oil. He puts oil rich nations at ease with his beautiful, sweet crude skin.”
Skeptical, we also spoke with Dr. Knikitat Ohsruhu who had a complementary explanation, “Our trends show that with current conditions bent to conform to the existing oil markets, prices should begin reducing 25% in the fourth quarter with a drastic total drop of at least $100 in the second quarter of 2009, as long as he doesn’t get ashy under all this election stress.”
Other actions by the Obama Administration could prove effective in reducing the demand for oil. Barack pledged to a group of teachers and construction workers in Bellevue, WA this week that he would begin petroleum based hair product embargo. This embargo would require many in the African American community to go without several different types of hair products. Our in-house illustrator has created a digital representation of Barack Obama’s personal sacrifice if this embargo is successful.
DIGITALLY ENHANCED PHOTO RENDERING
Professor Martin Lynn, PhD summed it up best, “McCain’s got that blotchy, pale ass skin. That’s the skin of pestilence and death. No one trusts a white dude with skin like that.”
Professor Martin Lynn, PhD in Economics simply stated that, “Obama has a lovely skin tone very similar to the glistening color of oil. He puts oil rich nations at ease with his beautiful, sweet crude skin.”
Skeptical, we also spoke with Dr. Knikitat Ohsruhu who had a complementary explanation, “Our trends show that with current conditions bent to conform to the existing oil markets, prices should begin reducing 25% in the fourth quarter with a drastic total drop of at least $100 in the second quarter of 2009, as long as he doesn’t get ashy under all this election stress.”
Other actions by the Obama Administration could prove effective in reducing the demand for oil. Barack pledged to a group of teachers and construction workers in Bellevue, WA this week that he would begin petroleum based hair product embargo. This embargo would require many in the African American community to go without several different types of hair products. Our in-house illustrator has created a digital representation of Barack Obama’s personal sacrifice if this embargo is successful.
DIGITALLY ENHANCED PHOTO RENDERING
Professor Martin Lynn, PhD summed it up best, “McCain’s got that blotchy, pale ass skin. That’s the skin of pestilence and death. No one trusts a white dude with skin like that.”
"Stay Out Daddy"
My five year old was ticked off at me and decided that he wanted a sign on his bedroom door saying, "Stay Out Daddy."
I obliged and got him some paper, a pen, and tape. To help him out further, I wrote down the words on a piece of paper so that he could copy them on the sign. Here is my helpful note:
Here is his sign:
I sometimes try to look back at my childhood and figure out where things went wrong. Greg will only have to check the internet.
{Author’s Note: I highly suggest reading the comments below.}
I obliged and got him some paper, a pen, and tape. To help him out further, I wrote down the words on a piece of paper so that he could copy them on the sign. Here is my helpful note:
Here is his sign:
I sometimes try to look back at my childhood and figure out where things went wrong. Greg will only have to check the internet.
{Author’s Note: I highly suggest reading the comments below.}
Quite possibly the worst advertisement ever
This was from our weekly "Suburban News." I'll give it one kudos... it got my attention.
This is quite amazing. I don't know where to begin. I should begin by making fun of the beauty medicine industry as a whole, but that's too obvious.
The title in itself is enough to make me puke. Or they are doing some real science down there and they just can't spell.
I can see the necessity of not wanting to show a naked backside, but I don't know of any advertising firm that uses an Etch-a-Sketch for their illustrations. That poor woman has got no feet!
I'd love to see an actual BEFORE/AFTER patient of this "Beauty Medicine." The website in the advertisement is not working, but you can find Dr. Mudd at http://doctormarybethmudd.com/. I couldn't find any photos (sketches?) this drastic. As a matter of fact, the only BEFORE/AFTER photo in the Photo Gallery is of one woman and I cannot see the difference between the two photos except that she is further away from the camera. Or she's shrinking, which would be a medical miracle.
And I can't use her trademarked name in my article because it is trademarked. I'd hate to hear from her lawyer. Nothing like receiving a subpoena on a Wooly Willy.
Punishment
A few years back, our design team was involved in a large exhibit installation out of state. We’d drive out early on Monday, stay at a hotel next to the site and come back on Friday. Every morning we would meet at 7:00am to divide up the resources and plan the day. At night, we would eat dinner together as a group and afterwards, four of us would break away from the larger group and go out for a drink. On the nights that we pluralized drink, we sometimes wouldn’t get to bed until 2:30am and that 7:00am meeting was very hard to get to on time.
One of the team, (I’ll just use his initials to hide his identity) AJ, was consistently ten minutes late to the morning meeting. This was problematic because AJ was the all around guy. He’d make the hardware runs, had a knack for building anything out of almost nothing, and lift both heavy and really heavy stuff. (He also always has a cigarette that he will let you borrow.) AJ was in demand and showing up late was putting a knot in his boss’ military issue underwear.
When the camel’s back was finally broken, AJ’s boss chastised him and, as a punishment, took away his cell phone until the end of the week. At first, we rolled our eyes and secretly laughed. “Dad” was taking AJ’s cell phone privileges away? How will that help get AJ to the meetings on time? Heck, usually it was us calling him on his cell phone that got him up and out of bed to the meetings.
It quickly became apparent that this punishment was going to affect the whole crew. The hardware store was a few miles away and by the time you realized you would need something from the store, AJ was already out the door, so you had to call him on his cell. And it hard for him to answer when the phone was in his boss’ pocket. When AJ was at the store, he’d have questions about something he was supposed to buy and he’d have to track down a pay phone. It was a moronic punishment. We ended up sending someone with a phone with AJ just so we’d have a communication link.
Lacey pretty much summed it up when she said, “What is he going to do next? Take away his drill?” His phone was as much a tool as it was a company perk. AJ needed a good verbal beat down, not grounded.
So we took it in turns to call AJ’s phone non-stop. At first his boss just let it ring in his pocket, but he got sick of that and left it at the communal desk. We’d wait until boss sat down to look at plans and then call the phone. He finally just turned it off.
Boss realized how dumb it was when it finally impacted him. He needed the van and AJ had it on a supply run. Boss actually got out his cell phone, called AJ’s phone and when it went straight to voice mail he said angrily, “AJ’s got his phone turned off.” Someone reminded boss of the phone’s location at the desk. Boss was pissed, not at himself, but at AJ.
I think he got the phone back before the end of the week. AJ was on time for the meeting every day after that. Mostly.
One of the team, (I’ll just use his initials to hide his identity) AJ, was consistently ten minutes late to the morning meeting. This was problematic because AJ was the all around guy. He’d make the hardware runs, had a knack for building anything out of almost nothing, and lift both heavy and really heavy stuff. (He also always has a cigarette that he will let you borrow.) AJ was in demand and showing up late was putting a knot in his boss’ military issue underwear.
When the camel’s back was finally broken, AJ’s boss chastised him and, as a punishment, took away his cell phone until the end of the week. At first, we rolled our eyes and secretly laughed. “Dad” was taking AJ’s cell phone privileges away? How will that help get AJ to the meetings on time? Heck, usually it was us calling him on his cell phone that got him up and out of bed to the meetings.
It quickly became apparent that this punishment was going to affect the whole crew. The hardware store was a few miles away and by the time you realized you would need something from the store, AJ was already out the door, so you had to call him on his cell. And it hard for him to answer when the phone was in his boss’ pocket. When AJ was at the store, he’d have questions about something he was supposed to buy and he’d have to track down a pay phone. It was a moronic punishment. We ended up sending someone with a phone with AJ just so we’d have a communication link.
Lacey pretty much summed it up when she said, “What is he going to do next? Take away his drill?” His phone was as much a tool as it was a company perk. AJ needed a good verbal beat down, not grounded.
So we took it in turns to call AJ’s phone non-stop. At first his boss just let it ring in his pocket, but he got sick of that and left it at the communal desk. We’d wait until boss sat down to look at plans and then call the phone. He finally just turned it off.
Boss realized how dumb it was when it finally impacted him. He needed the van and AJ had it on a supply run. Boss actually got out his cell phone, called AJ’s phone and when it went straight to voice mail he said angrily, “AJ’s got his phone turned off.” Someone reminded boss of the phone’s location at the desk. Boss was pissed, not at himself, but at AJ.
I think he got the phone back before the end of the week. AJ was on time for the meeting every day after that. Mostly.
Ask HolyJuan: Inhospitable in NYC
Dear Holy,
My stepmother recently called to ask if her sister's son could stay with me when he attends a week-long conference in my town. He is attending the conference on his own dime and cannot afford the cost of a hotel.
I haven't seen this step-cousin since I was 10, and think that it would be pretty awkward to have him stay in my one-bedroom apartment.
What excuse should I give so that I don't look like a jerk?
Sincerely,
Inhospitable in NYC
Dear In,
Step-cousin? How do you get a step-cousin? Seems a bit fishy. Why didn’t he step-call you himself? I can see why you would be wary.
Moving on.
What this really boils down to is what conference he is attending. You'll need to change your tactics depending on what he's in town for.
If it is some psychology conference (sounds like he’s got some mom issues so he probably did go into psychology) then tell him that your apartment is all female, like in Bosom Buddies, and that the only way he can stay is if he dresses up like a woman the entire week. If he still wants to stay, tell him it was a trick and that he’s way too creepy.
If he’s attending a run of the mill training seminar, tell him that your apartment is being used as a set for a movie. When he asks what movie, say, “It’s a (make sound effects indicating porn) movie.” If he’s still interested say, “But it’s (make sound effects indicating gay animal porn.)”
If it is an electronic conference, explain that your apartment is in between an electrical transfer station and magnet factory and all of his gadgets will get fried. If he questions you about how you are able to talk on the phone to him now, tell him it’s a rotary dial phone. Back this up by saying your phone number is FL 2-2525.
If it is a porn conference, I’ll rent out your room for the week and he and I can go together.
I hope this helps you. And when your step-cousin is being beaten and robbed after staying in a $10 a night hole in the wall, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have all that extra laundry and cleaning up you selfish bitch.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Legally, you can have sex with a step-cousin so all your worries about creepiness are moot.
My stepmother recently called to ask if her sister's son could stay with me when he attends a week-long conference in my town. He is attending the conference on his own dime and cannot afford the cost of a hotel.
I haven't seen this step-cousin since I was 10, and think that it would be pretty awkward to have him stay in my one-bedroom apartment.
What excuse should I give so that I don't look like a jerk?
Sincerely,
Inhospitable in NYC
Dear In,
Step-cousin? How do you get a step-cousin? Seems a bit fishy. Why didn’t he step-call you himself? I can see why you would be wary.
Moving on.
What this really boils down to is what conference he is attending. You'll need to change your tactics depending on what he's in town for.
If it is some psychology conference (sounds like he’s got some mom issues so he probably did go into psychology) then tell him that your apartment is all female, like in Bosom Buddies, and that the only way he can stay is if he dresses up like a woman the entire week. If he still wants to stay, tell him it was a trick and that he’s way too creepy.
If he’s attending a run of the mill training seminar, tell him that your apartment is being used as a set for a movie. When he asks what movie, say, “It’s a (make sound effects indicating porn) movie.” If he’s still interested say, “But it’s (make sound effects indicating gay animal porn.)”
If it is an electronic conference, explain that your apartment is in between an electrical transfer station and magnet factory and all of his gadgets will get fried. If he questions you about how you are able to talk on the phone to him now, tell him it’s a rotary dial phone. Back this up by saying your phone number is FL 2-2525.
If it is a porn conference, I’ll rent out your room for the week and he and I can go together.
I hope this helps you. And when your step-cousin is being beaten and robbed after staying in a $10 a night hole in the wall, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have all that extra laundry and cleaning up you selfish bitch.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Legally, you can have sex with a step-cousin so all your worries about creepiness are moot.
Automatic Dial of 9-1-1
Back in ye old days, you’d mash some buttons on the phone keypad and when the network figured out that the combination of numbers was a full set, the phone on the other end would begin to ring. This was great, except when you weren’t done dialing yet. This happened a lot when you were dialing long distance or to your Dad in prison overseas. If there was an emergency, you’d hit 9-1-1 and the call would go through as soon as you hit the last 1.
Then came the cordless phone and cell phones. With these technologies, you dial a number and then press “SEND” or the greenest button on your phone. Now if you want to dial 9-1-1, you have to hit the numbers and then push “SEND.” This can be problematic when you have a young child or a color-blind, illiterate babysitter.
I propose that all phones should immediately dial 9-1-1 when those buttons are first pressed. I cannot think of any situation when 9-1-1 would be the first numbers hit in any phone number or even accidentally in a text message.
Can anyone think of a reason why this should not be? Quick, call your congressperson and tell them to get moving on the HolyJuan Bill.
Then came the cordless phone and cell phones. With these technologies, you dial a number and then press “SEND” or the greenest button on your phone. Now if you want to dial 9-1-1, you have to hit the numbers and then push “SEND.” This can be problematic when you have a young child or a color-blind, illiterate babysitter.
I propose that all phones should immediately dial 9-1-1 when those buttons are first pressed. I cannot think of any situation when 9-1-1 would be the first numbers hit in any phone number or even accidentally in a text message.
Can anyone think of a reason why this should not be? Quick, call your congressperson and tell them to get moving on the HolyJuan Bill.
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