Meshell is coming to town!
She's way better than Dave!
I posted you first!
Someone is unhappy with Pete Colburn
Guaranteed Worst Guarantee Ever


The bulb is guaranteed to last UP TO seven years. So let me get this straight... if the bulb burns out on the first day, the guarantee is correct. If the bulb lasts seven years and one day, I'll get my money back?
Thanks for the tip, @soprasetta!
Motivational BS Seminar Spam is Good for Something
Upping the ante, I patiently awaited for new ammo to arrive. When it did, I took the mailings to the shredder, shredded them and stuffed the shreddings in his mailbox. I left some dangling out for effect. Josh caught on very quickly when he saw some of my accidental leavings by the shredder. Ever cut into confetti, those obnoxious mailings are easy to pick out from a distance.
On the front, I put a fictitious address in Lancaster, OH. I put Josh's name as the sender with a little note requesting return service.

I put a stamp on it and dropped it in the mailbox.

Here's' Josh after retrieving the mail.

That photo was taken right before Josh realized that I had actually sent the letter out and had the post office boomerang it. He thought I had just stuck it in an envelope and faked the front. Once he realize the length I went to, he was a bit more impressed.
Here's the front. I was sad there were not any "RETURN TO SENDER" stamps on this.

I can't wait to see what Josh comes up with next. I have one up my sleeve, but I need a refrigerator box. Let me know if you have one I can borrow.
Christmas with Allen and Lacey
The Fight that Never Was
Here’s the publicly released version of the story:

I have a different version. Slightly different.
Saturday night. Jeff’s bachelor party was still in full swing. We had stopped what we will not mention and left the place we will not call attention to, to meet up with his fiancée and brother’s wife at a club.
The club is a nice little dance place that plays very typical 00’s dance music. When you are drunk and dancing with your friend's brother’s wife, it is a lot of fun. After an hour or so of dancing, Jeff and company finally decided to call it a night and left. I was on my own.
And there was
Joe was trying to calm the guy down. But at the same time it seems that he was trying to egg the guy on. I remember
Here’s the “I think I remember” part. Joe put his hand on the guy’s chest. The guy threw up his own hands and pushed Joe back. Joe regained his footing and stepped forward. I sucker punched the guy.
I am not one to fight. I am not one to sucker punch. The sucker punch is a very cowardly act. The dude had no way of knowing that I was there. He had no way of seeing me throw the punch.
My fist connected. That was the second thing that happened. The first thing that happened was that I totally missed the side of the dude’s head and glanced off his cheek. Then I connected, with Joe’s face.
A split second later, I was grabbed and shoved out the door by a very large man. I turned to see where Joe was, but the very large man yelling at me persuaded me to walk away. I waited down the street. Any drunkenness I had was gone in the rush of adrenaline. Joe appeared and turned up the street in the opposite direction. I ran across the street to avoid the club entrance, ran up and back across and caught up with Joe. He had a napkin pressed up against his face. The napkin was a little white and a lot red.
The next day, Joe’s wife made him go to the Urgent Care. Fast forward six stitches. That is that.
Now, I must tell you that both version of this story are out there. To save Jeff embarrassment that a pseudo fight broke out at his bachelor party, we tell with all honesty that
And then there is my version. But I was a little drunk at the time.
Gutter cleaning... weather permitting
This year I contacted a local guy (whom I shall refer to as GutterDude.) GutterDude seemed to have his shit together and I sent him an e-mail:
On Nov 28, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hello GutterDude,
Can you please let us know about getting a gutter cleaning quote for: (my address) Westerville, OH 43081
Thank you,
Doug
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Saturday, November 28, 2009 10:30 PM
To: Doug Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote
Doug,
The cost to clean your gutters will be $145.00. We are about a week out.
Thanks for your inquiring
GutterDude
--------------------------------------------------------------
On Nov 29, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hi GutterDude,
That sounds reasonable. Does this include cleaning up any of the fun stuff you find in our gutters? In the past, we've had an issue with people doing a so-so job of removing debris from the gutters and then leaving said stuff strewn all over the yard.
If your quote includes removal of all the debris in the gutters, then please let me know how we can go ahead and schedule you to come out. We can put a check under to doormat or drop it in the mail. Let us know how you would like to proceed.
Thanks!
Doug
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Sunday, November 29, 2009 11:14 AM
To: Doug
Price includes removal of all debris from the gutters and none left on the lawn.
We will leave an invoice in the door. We are about a week out.
GutterDude
--------------------------------------------------------------
December crept up and I got busy around the house and at work. I was outside hanging the Christmas lights when I noticed the leaves in the gutters still. I went in and the next morning I sent GutterDude an e-mail:
Sent: Friday, December 18, 2009 8:27 AM
To: 'GutterDude' Subject: RE: gutter cleaning quote
Hello GutterDude,
Did we slip off your schedule? I understood you were a week out, but that was three weeks ago.
Can you let me know if you are able to clean our gutters?
Thank you,
Doug
--------------------------------------------------------------
GutterDude did not get back to me and I realized that I had not given him a good request, so I tried again:
On Dec 19, 2009, at 10:07 AM, Doug wrote:
GutterDude,
I would appreciate some communication concerning the cleaning of our gutters at (Myhouse) in Westerville. Please either let me know when you will be here or let me know that you are canceling and that I need to find another vendor to take care of cleaning out our gutters.
Please let me know within 48 hours.
Doug
--------------------------------------------------------------
To: Doug Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 3:44 PM
Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote
Doug
You are still on the list. We should be out this week weather permitting. Thank you for your patience.
GuttterDude
--------------------------------------------------------------
That next week the snow began to fall and GutterDude did not arrive. As it was Christmas, I forgot about the gutters and moved on with other things. Soon January arrived and I went to take down the Christmas lights. There had been about four weeks of snow and below freezing weather which I assume was not permitting. But the weather was changing and there were expected highs in the 40s that next week… perfect for ice dams. I decided to write GutterDude one last time:
On Jan 14, 2010, at 10:21 PM, Doug wrote:
Hello GutterDude,
Please allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Doug and I contacted you on November 28th (that was back in 2009) to see about getting my gutters cleaned. You gave me a very good price and said you were a week out.
When you didn't show up for two weeks, I contacted you again and you said you would be out that week, weather permitting.
Now I look upon my house and I see clogged gutters filled with leaves and ice. It's quite beautiful at sunrise.
Tomorrow it will begin to warm up and the snow from my roof will melt and begin to head down to the gutter. I assume the conversation will go a little like this:
Melted Snow: "Hi gutter!"
Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm."
Melted Snow: "What's that?"
Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm!"
Melted Snow: "Oh! You can't talk because you are filled with ice and leaves!"
Gutter: "Hmm."
Melted Snow: "Well, I can't go down you and I've got to go somewhere. Where will I go?"
Doug's Drywall: "Hey! You can come down me!"
So, GutterDude... for the last time... when will you come to my house and clean out my gutters? When you say weather permitting, does that mean April? Either tell me that you will have a person here in the afternoon tomorrow or Saturday or tell me that you cannot clean my gutters.
Again: Tell me that you will have someone here on Friday January 14th, 2010 or Saturday January 15th, 2010 **OR** tell me that you have failed and will be unable to clean my gutters.
Thank you,
Doug
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Doug,
We do appreciate your patience. It looks like we should be able to do it Monday if not before
GutterDude
--------------------------------------------------------------
On Monday I stayed home from work and waited.
At 10:30am, the GutterDude truck pulled up and knocked on my door. And as much as I am a dick on the internet, I had a nice, quick chit chat with the guy and left him get to work. GutterDude unleafinated my gutters, cleaned up the debris in the yard and left me with an invoice and a thank you.
And my thanks to him is that I’m calling him GutterDude and not his real company’s name.
Rock on, GutterDude. Weather permitting.
Try using the "whole" quote
Also in her Tweet, she (kind of) quotes MLK Jr. (see the fixed Tweet at www.FixingPalin.com)

Palin says, " "Faith is taking 1st step even when u don't see the staircase"-MLKjr"
Now, beyond the crappy Tweeting, there is something very wrong with this quote. The real quote is, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." (My emphasis on whole.)
Without "whole" the two quotes are completely different. King is suggesting that you understand your path, but not exactly where it might lead and that you must trust in others or a higher power after those first few steps. Palin is suggesting blind faith. It's the difference between walking down a dark set of stairs with a lantern and only being able to see as far as the circle of light glows *OR* running through a dark house with a blindfold on, hoping that everything will work out because of God's will.
I do not think Palin understands the difference, otherwise she would remember the whole quote and write it as such. To Palin, it doesn't matter. Faith is faith, blind or not.
Here are some other quotes that I assume Sarah Palin could Tweet and fuck up:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear, it's elf."
"4 score and 7 years ago, my four dads brought 4th, upon these awesome United States of America, with Liberty and JUSTICE 4 all."
"Mr. Gorbycough, all in all it's just another brick in the tear down this wall!"
"Dec. 7, 1941—a day which will live in for me"
"Jesus swept."
SCAM! SCAN OF WESTERN UNION
I'll be reporting it to the London Authorities.
Good day dumbass!
If you get an e-mail from Katie Beiter kataa0821@yahoo.com it is a scam. AVOID.
If you are given this address: Route 66, 325 Kentish Town Road, London, NW5 2T, United Kingdom it is a scam. AVOID.
If you are given this address: 98 Finchley Road, London, NW3 5EL
United Kingdom AVOID
Adam and Eve's copy of The Dark Side of the Moon (revisited)
During this time of tragedy, Sarah Palin wants you to donate... to her PAC

But when you go to her Facebook page:

There are only two areas where DONATE can be seen:


I have to assume that Sarah wants you to donate to some relief effort and that she would never send her followers to her page to donate to her PAC (Political Action Committee.) But, I would assume that any semi-intelligent individual would post the links FIRST and then advertise on Twitter that people go and click on them.
Idiot.
I like FixingPalin's translation better:

(UPDATE) Two hours after her original Twitter post, Sarah Palin posted a message on Facebook saying, "To assist those in need, consider sending a $10 donation to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999." That's a bit under the 140 character limit of Twitter and she could have just said that in the first place.
Bobby is Measured
Lotion
And I was thin in this video.
Very Creepy Coloring Book

Front cover: Young gay cowboy seeks similar. Pew, pew pew!

The Ass Bandit makes his escape!

The chipmunk and rabbit will haunt my dreams tonight. It looks like the chipmunk is drawing in the book to hide the boy's groin from our view. THANK YOU CHIPMUNK.

OK. Not horrific. But that umbrella has a sharp point and someone could get hurt.

This kid is obviously drunk on fermented, giant olive. I think he drew this coloring book.
Limbaugh Diagnosis: Heart is Actually a Bile Creating, Dark Mass
Limbaugh said his ordeal started Wednesday afternoon, when he began experiencing pain in his upper left chest "like I've never experienced before."
Dr. Hudson shared, “Once in the hospital, we performed an angiogram that revealed no evidence of arterial or coronary disease. We believe this is due to the large amount of bitter bile that is created by the secondary liver.” Dr. Hudson continued, “We believe that this bile is created in Limbaugh’s “heart” and transported throughout his body in a similar fashion as blood is delivered in humans. The bile is then transported to the lungs where it is mixed with an intake of oxygen and then the waste bile is expelled out the mouth.”
The cause of his pain -- which he called "real" -- has not been determined. It is possible that during Rush’s vacation, there was a build-up of bile that could not be released in the normal fashion during his radio program.
He was discharged from the hospital Friday, bile spewing from his mouth as always. "The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer," he said. "I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine. You should all fly to Hawaii and get your treatment here. I can also suggest some great pharmacies in New York, Florida, California and several other states."
Limbaugh's radio show is broadcast on more than 600 stations and is heard by more than 13.5 million listeners each week.













