Meshell is coming to town!

Yeah! Meshell is coming back into town!

She's way better than Dave!

I posted you first!

Someone is unhappy with Pete Colburn

(Author's note: The petecolburn.com website owner left some messages below in the comments. This was exactly as Ender had suggested!)

I keep an eye on my site traffic and I noticed there was a link coming into my site from www.petecolburn.info. I went to check out his site to see if Pete had anything interesting going on. When the link popped up, I thought I did something wrong, because instead of a new site popping up, my web site appeared. At the top of the page was www.petecolburn.info, but the page was my How To Steal Your Best Friend's Girlfriend article.

Screenshot of www.petecolburn.info

I immediately thought something fishy was going on, so I contacted my buddy Ender who knows a bit about computers. I asked him if he thought something malicious was going on or if this guy was stealing my content.

Here is his reply:

There's three pertinent details here:

1.) The domain in question points to your domain, but isn't a rigged scraping of your domain (ie, all the links actually point to HolyJuan.com)
2.) The domain is question is registered anonymously.
3.) The domain in question points towards only one of your articles, to wit, an article on stealing girlfriends.

I'm 99.9% certain that somebody's making a point to Mr. Pete Colburn of God-knows-where, USA. If I'm wrong, and they're trying to claim your content as theirs, they're incompetent.

So while we are not 100% sure, it sounds like a certain Mr. Pete Colburn might have stolen his buddy's girlfriend and said buddy is unhappy enough about it to buy a web site and stick me in the middle of it.

That should teach him. And me.


Guaranteed Worst Guarantee Ever

Behold! The ECObulb. With an AMAZING Guarantee.
IMG_2387

IMG_2389

The bulb is guaranteed to last UP TO seven years. So let me get this straight... if the bulb burns out on the first day, the guarantee is correct. If the bulb lasts seven years and one day, I'll get my money back?

Thanks for the tip, @soprasetta!

Motivational BS Seminar Spam is Good for Something

I'm not sure if you get these types of seminar spam in your mail box. I get one or two a week. Seminars that are held on a daily basis across the State of Ohio in the best Best Westerns they have to offer.


Over the holidays these damn things filled half of my mail box. So I, being the eco-friendly employee that I am, shoved them all in Josh's mailbox on top of his gathering pile of spam.

When Josh came back from the holidays, it took him a minute to realize that all that paper wasn't his. So he shoved them back in my box.

And then it was on.

We volleyed back and forth for a day or two, crumbling and folding and tearing the adverts. Some might observe, "Isn't the recycling bin right next to the mailboxes?" Yes it is and that's not the f*cking point.

A few days later I had two friends with nametags in my mailbox:

You will note who is on top and who is on bottom:



Upping the ante, I patiently awaited for new ammo to arrive. When it did, I took the mailings to the shredder, shredded them and stuffed the shreddings in his mailbox. I left some dangling out for effect. Josh caught on very quickly when he saw some of my accidental leavings by the shredder. Ever cut into confetti, those obnoxious mailings are easy to pick out from a distance.

A few days later, Josh inquired if I wanted to borrow a book that he had been reading. I accepted the book from across the cubicle. He noted that there were several sections that he had thought I might find interesting.

I did find them very interesting.



I knew I had to take it up a notch. There was a new unwritten rule that the Spaminar mailings could not just be stuck in the other's mailbox. It had to either be freely taken or deposited in the mailbox by other means.

So when more Spaminar mailings appeared in my box from the company, I took them and stuffed the mailings into an envelope.

On the front, I put a fictitious address in Lancaster, OH. I put Josh's name as the sender with a little note requesting return service.

I put a stamp on it and dropped it in the mailbox.

Days passed. I waited.

Then our Prodigal Post came home.


Here's' Josh after retrieving the mail.


That photo was taken right before Josh realized that I had actually sent the letter out and had the post office boomerang it. He thought I had just stuck it in an envelope and faked the front. Once he realize the length I went to, he was a bit more impressed.

Here's the front. I was sad there were not any "RETURN TO SENDER" stamps on this.


I can't wait to see what Josh comes up with next. I have one up my sleeve, but I need a refrigerator box. Let me know if you have one I can borrow.

Christmas with Allen and Lacey

Lacey was in town for the holidays and Caroline, Allen and I got together for a drink. Caroline wisely bailed before photographic evidence could be gathered.


Good times. Good times.

What I do at work

So, if you are wondering what I do at work, here is a glimpse into my workday via my desk:

The Fight that Never Was

(By request: a repost)

I will tell this from my point of view. There were a few other points of view, but I am not one to assume or fill in the blanks, especially since I was a little drunk at the time.

Here’s the publicly released version of the story:

Handsome Joe awoke the morning after the bachelor party. He got out of bed, left the bedroom, but soon returned to get his glasses. He tripped over a rocking chair and split his face open. Fast forward six stitches. That is that.

I have a different version. Slightly different.

Saturday night. Jeff’s bachelor party was still in full swing. We had stopped what we will not mention and left the place we will not call attention to, to meet up with his fiancĂ©e and brother’s wife at a club.

The club is a nice little dance place that plays very typical 00’s dance music. When you are drunk and dancing with your friend's brother’s wife, it is a lot of fun. After an hour or so of dancing, Jeff and company finally decided to call it a night and left. I was on my own. Made my way over to the bar and ordered a drink so that I would have something to do while I watched the 23 year old girls dance. (Yeah, I’m that creepy guy.) Finished my drink and decide not to order another. Walked up the stairs and to the exit. At the top of the stairs is a vestibule that leads to a side bar or through double doors out to the street.

And there was Handsome Joe. Right outside the upstairs bar. I thought Joe had left with the others. Joe was involved in a conversation with some dude. The dude was unhappy. The dude had a frowny face and a uni-brow. The two universal facial expressions for a fight. Joe claims the guy was six foot tall. I won’t take that away from him.

Joe was trying to calm the guy down. But at the same time it seems that he was trying to egg the guy on. I remember Handsome Joe saying in his soothing voice, “Hey. Calm down dumbass.” Joe had his hands up in front of him in either the “I give up” or “I’m going to shove your ass backwards” position. It was escalating.

Here’s the “I think I remember” part. Joe put his hand on the guy’s chest. The guy threw up his own hands and pushed Joe back. Joe regained his footing and stepped forward. I sucker punched the guy.

I am not one to fight. I am not one to sucker punch. The sucker punch is a very cowardly act. The dude had no way of knowing that I was there. He had no way of seeing me throw the punch. Makes me an ass. But hey, don’t start shit with Handsome Joe when Doug’s had a few drinks and is sexually frustrated.

My fist connected. That was the second thing that happened. The first thing that happened was that I totally missed the side of the dude’s head and glanced off his cheek. Then I connected, with Joe’s face.

A split second later, I was grabbed and shoved out the door by a very large man. I turned to see where Joe was, but the very large man yelling at me persuaded me to walk away. I waited down the street. Any drunkenness I had was gone in the rush of adrenaline. Joe appeared and turned up the street in the opposite direction. I ran across the street to avoid the club entrance, ran up and back across and caught up with Joe. He had a napkin pressed up against his face. The napkin was a little white and a lot red.

Handsome Joe laughed. “Doug. You punched the wrong guy.”

The next day, Joe’s wife made him go to the Urgent Care. Fast forward six stitches. That is that.

Now, I must tell you that both version of this story are out there. To save Jeff embarrassment that a pseudo fight broke out at his bachelor party, we tell with all honesty that Handsome Joe lost a fight with a rocking chair. That is the truth.

And then there is my version. But I was a little drunk at the time.

Gutter cleaning... weather permitting

I have gutters on my house that are almost out of reach of my current ladder. When I say almost, I mean that if I put my ladder up at a very steep angle and then stand on the sticker that says, “Do not stand on this rung,” I can reach way up high and get the tips of my fingers in the gutter. That being said, I do not try to clean my gutters anymore. My trees have easy access to my gutters and fill them with leafy goodness. Last year I had my gutters cleaned and the guy did not do a very good job. What he didn't leave strewn all over my yard, he left in the gutters. Two months later, ice filled my gutters and water backed up into my house.

This year I contacted a local guy (whom I shall refer to as GutterDude.) GutterDude seemed to have his shit together and I sent him an e-mail:

On Nov 28, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hello GutterDude,
Can you please let us know about getting a gutter cleaning quote for: (my address) Westerville, OH 43081

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Saturday, November 28, 2009 10:30 PM
To: Doug Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote

Doug,
The cost to clean your gutters will be $145.00. We are about a week out.
Thanks for your inquiring
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
On Nov 29, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hi GutterDude,
That sounds reasonable. Does this include cleaning up any of the fun stuff you find in our gutters? In the past, we've had an issue with people doing a so-so job of removing debris from the gutters and then leaving said stuff strewn all over the yard.

If your quote includes removal of all the debris in the gutters, then please let me know how we can go ahead and schedule you to come out. We can put a check under to doormat or drop it in the mail. Let us know how you would like to proceed.

Thanks!
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Sunday, November 29, 2009 11:14 AM
To: Doug
Price includes removal of all debris from the gutters and none left on the lawn.
We will leave an invoice in the door. We are about a week out.
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
December crept up and I got busy around the house and at work. I was outside hanging the Christmas lights when I noticed the leaves in the gutters still. I went in and the next morning I sent GutterDude an e-mail:

Sent: Friday, December 18, 2009 8:27 AM
To: 'GutterDude' Subject: RE: gutter cleaning quote

Hello GutterDude,
Did we slip off your schedule? I understood you were a week out, but that was three weeks ago.
Can you let me know if you are able to clean our gutters?

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
GutterDude did not get back to me and I realized that I had not given him a good request, so I tried again:

On Dec 19, 2009, at 10:07 AM, Doug wrote:
GutterDude,

I would appreciate some communication concerning the cleaning of our gutters at (Myhouse) in Westerville. Please either let me know when you will be here or let me know that you are canceling and that I need to find another vendor to take care of cleaning out our gutters.
Please let me know within 48 hours.

Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
To: Doug Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 3:44 PM
Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote

Doug
You are still on the list. We should be out this week weather permitting. Thank you for your patience.
GuttterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
That next week the snow began to fall and GutterDude did not arrive. As it was Christmas, I forgot about the gutters and moved on with other things. Soon January arrived and I went to take down the Christmas lights. There had been about four weeks of snow and below freezing weather which I assume was not permitting. But the weather was changing and there were expected highs in the 40s that next week… perfect for ice dams. I decided to write GutterDude one last time:

On Jan 14, 2010, at 10:21 PM, Doug wrote:

Hello GutterDude,
Please allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Doug and I contacted you on November 28th (that was back in 2009) to see about getting my gutters cleaned. You gave me a very good price and said you were a week out.

When you didn't show up for two weeks, I contacted you again and you said you would be out that week, weather permitting.

Now I look upon my house and I see clogged gutters filled with leaves and ice. It's quite beautiful at sunrise.

Tomorrow it will begin to warm up and the snow from my roof will melt and begin to head down to the gutter. I assume the conversation will go a little like this:

Melted Snow: "Hi gutter!"

Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm."

Melted Snow: "What's that?"

Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm!"

Melted Snow: "Oh! You can't talk because you are filled with ice and leaves!"

Gutter: "Hmm."

Melted Snow: "Well, I can't go down you and I've got to go somewhere. Where will I go?"

Doug's Drywall: "Hey! You can come down me!"

So, GutterDude... for the last time... when will you come to my house and clean out my gutters? When you say weather permitting, does that mean April? Either tell me that you will have a person here in the afternoon tomorrow or Saturday or tell me that you cannot clean my gutters.

Again: Tell me that you will have someone here on Friday January 14th, 2010 or Saturday January 15th, 2010 **OR** tell me that you have failed and will be unable to clean my gutters.

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Doug,

We do appreciate your patience. It looks like we should be able to do it Monday if not before
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
On Monday I stayed home from work and waited.

At 10:30am, the GutterDude truck pulled up and knocked on my door. And as much as I am a dick on the internet, I had a nice, quick chit chat with the guy and left him get to work. GutterDude unleafinated my gutters, cleaned up the debris in the yard and left me with an invoice and a thank you.

And my thanks to him is that I’m calling him GutterDude and not his real company’s name.

Rock on, GutterDude. Weather permitting.

Try using the "whole" quote

Sarah Palin sent out a Tweet yesterday asking her followers to remember Martin Luther King Jr. I can see how Palin, who has been under a lifetime of racial scrutiny for her accent, could believe in the hope behind MLK Jr.'s message.

Also in her Tweet, she (kind of) quotes MLK Jr. (see the fixed Tweet at www.FixingPalin.com)


Palin says, " "Faith is taking 1st step even when u don't see the staircase"-MLKjr"

Now, beyond the crappy Tweeting, there is something very wrong with this quote. The real quote is, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." (My emphasis on whole.)

Without "whole" the two quotes are completely different. King is suggesting that you understand your path, but not exactly where it might lead and that you must trust in others or a higher power after those first few steps.
Palin is suggesting blind faith. It's the difference between walking down a dark set of stairs with a lantern and only being able to see as far as the circle of light glows *OR* running through a dark house with a blindfold on, hoping that everything will work out because of God's will.

I do not think Palin understands the difference, otherwise she would remember the whole quote and write it as such. To Palin, it doesn't matter. Faith is faith, blind or not.

Here are some other quotes that I assume Sarah Palin could Tweet and fuck up:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear, it's elf."

"4 score and 7 years ago, my four dads brought 4th, upon these awesome United States of America, with Liberty and JUSTICE 4 all."

"Mr. Gorbycough, all in all it's just another brick in the tear down this wall!"

"Dec. 7, 1941—a day which will live in for me"

"Jesus swept."

SCAM! SCAN OF WESTERN UNION

Hi Scammer! Just wanted you to know that I now have your IP address.

I'll be reporting it to the London Authorities.

Good day dumbass!

If you get an e-mail from Katie Beiter kataa0821@yahoo.com it is a scam. AVOID.

If you are given this address: Route 66, 325 Kentish Town Road, London, NW5 2T, United Kingdom it is a scam. AVOID.
If you are given this address: 98 Finchley Road, London, NW3 5EL
United Kingdom AVOID

Adam and Eve's copy of The Dark Side of the Moon (revisited)

I posted this earlier.


Very few people go it. I am too obscure. Here is the copy of The Dark Side of the Moon that Noah would have had after the whole ark thing.

During this time of tragedy, Sarah Palin wants you to donate... to her PAC

Sarah Palin made a plea to all her Twitter followers to donate by going to her Facebook page and clicking on some links:


But when you go to her Facebook page:


There are only two areas where DONATE can be seen:




I have to assume that Sarah wants you to donate to some relief effort and that she would never send her followers to her page to donate to her PAC (Political Action Committee.) But, I would assume that any semi-intelligent individual would post the links FIRST and then advertise on Twitter that people go and click on them.

Idiot.

I like FixingPalin's translation better:


(UPDATE) Two hours after her original Twitter post, Sarah Palin posted a message on Facebook saying, "To assist those in need, consider sending a $10 donation to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999." That's a bit under the 140 character limit of Twitter and she could have just said that in the first place.

Bobby is Measured



I think I promised Bobby that I wouldn't publish this. I also think promises have a 18 month shelf life.

Lotion

A video from around 2003. Dave and I helped to host the talent show and we created video filler material. This was one of the bits.



And I was thin in this video.

Very Creepy Coloring Book

We took Greg and Ann to see the neighborhood Santa. He handed out these coloring books as gifts. Starting with the cover, they are extremely creepy:

Front cover: Young gay cowboy seeks similar. Pew, pew pew!


The Ass Bandit makes his escape!


The chipmunk and rabbit will haunt my dreams tonight. It looks like the chipmunk is drawing in the book to hide the boy's groin from our view. THANK YOU CHIPMUNK.


OK. Not horrific. But that umbrella has a sharp point and someone could get hurt.


This kid is obviously drunk on fermented, giant olive. I think he drew this coloring book.

Limbaugh Diagnosis: Heart is Actually a Bile Creating, Dark Mass

Honolulu (HJ) -- Tests that were performed on Rush Limbaugh after he was admitted to a Hawaii hospital for chest pains "found absolutely nothing wrong," the conservative talk show host said Friday. As a matter of fact, doctors found absolutely nothing that resembled a heart. Senior cardiologist Dr. Mark Hudson explained, “While we believe the pain was caused by an arterial spasm, the arteries in Limbaugh do not come from a “heart,” but rather a large, dark mass that resembles a secondary liver. It is lumpy with some fleshy out-shoots that mimic non-functionality of the appendix.”

Limbaugh said his ordeal started Wednesday afternoon, when he began experiencing pain in his upper left chest "like I've never experienced before."

Dr. Hudson shared, “Once in the hospital, we performed an angiogram that revealed no evidence of arterial or coronary disease. We believe this is due to the large amount of bitter bile that is created by the secondary liver.” Dr. Hudson continued, “We believe that this bile is created in Limbaugh’s “heart” and transported throughout his body in a similar fashion as blood is delivered in humans. The bile is then transported to the lungs where it is mixed with an intake of oxygen and then the waste bile is expelled out the mouth.”

The cause of his pain -- which he called "real" -- has not been determined. It is possible that during Rush’s vacation, there was a build-up of bile that could not be released in the normal fashion during his radio program.

He was discharged from the hospital Friday, bile spewing from his mouth as always. "The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer," he said. "I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine. You should all fly to Hawaii and get your treatment here. I can also suggest some great pharmacies in New York, Florida, California and several other states."

Limbaugh's radio show is broadcast on more than 600 stations and is heard by more than 13.5 million listeners each week.