How to steal your best friend’s girlfriend

So your best friend has a smoking hot girlfriend and you want her? I can help. Stealing a girlfriend is a delicate operation, but if done correctly, can yield awesome results. Here are some options for the deed.

1. Change him into a girl
Liberal doses of estrogen in your friend’s food, in combination with an order of “Nueva” onion rings, will usually achieve the desired results in 3 – 4 weeks. As soon as he starts ordering Appletinis, spotting between periods, watching “The Prince of Tides” and developing 36B man-boobs, his girlfriend will have no choice but to turn to a real man.

2. Turn him in to the cops for the meth lab in his basement

Even if he doesn’t have a meth lab, you can slap one together with a coffee maker, some rubber tubing and a can of Zud. Leave those items in his house and spread around four or five boxes of decongestant. Call the cops and tell them you are a neighbor and you smell something funny coming from his house. As he’s being dragged away screaming his innocence, wrap your arm around his girl and whisper that the first stage is denial.

3. Get him addicted to drugs
The most powerful addictions are the unknown ones. Replace his sugar with cocaine. Sprinkle crack in his oatmeal. Inject meth into his eggs. Over the course of five or six breakfasts, he’ll find himself craving shredded wheat with extra sugar and raw eggs. As he becomes despondent to the other two meals of the day and his girlfriend, console her with lunch dates.

4. Talk them into a threesome
Every dude who has a friend with a hot girlfriend is willing to risk the dangers of the 2 guys on 1 chick threesome. If you can get them drunk enough to agree to a “Catch 22” threesome, you are halfway there. The next day, ensure you mention the night before at least thirty seven times. Repeat over the next week. Be sure to mention that the sex with his girl was great and that she was loving every second (literally) of your loving. Be sure to describe how his girl seemed to really like the night and that you would never let your girl bang another guy and wonder out loud how many other times she has done that. Soon doubt will begin to form in his mind and he’ll start to question the relationship. Wait two weeks and make your move.

5. Convince her he is gay
Every man may not question his sexuality, but every guy’s friend will call in to question his sexual alignment at least three of four times a day. While usually done jokingly, if subtly done in front of the girlfriend, seeds of doubt can be sewn. Leave issues of Men’s Health laying around his apartment with post-it notes on the half naked men pages. Leave Depeche Mode CDs at his desk and sneak ABBA and WHAM! on to his iPod. When he’s not around, ask the girlfriend why best friend has been sneaking out to the local goth bar. Leave a copy of Broke Back Mountain in the DVD player. The final straw should be strategically placed ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” Leave them on the dryer with an opened MAGNUM condom wrapper. Let her know that if she needs to talk, you’ll be available after your time at the greyhound rehabilitation volunteer shift.

6. Convince him to enlist
The best way to approach this is to suggest you enlist together. Talk about the adventures you’ll have overseas and the foreign chicks you will bang. On the day the two of your are going to ship out, show your commanding officer the ticket stubs from three consecutive showings of “Rent.” He’ll kick you out of the military and as your buddy waves from the plane taking him overseas, tell his girl about all the foreign chicks he said he was going to bang while overseas.

7. Sign him up for World of Warcraft
In three weeks, he will have lost interest in her. Make your move.

10 comments:

A united method said...

Honestly, number 2 sounds more like Alabama.

tegulevi said...

hooray "catch 22" has caught on... im not sure thats a good thing but... hooray!

Rick Sparks said...

What kind of douche steals a friend's girlfriend? Some friend.

Thomas said...

I have a friend who is notorious for fucking friends' exes withing 48 hours of the breakup.

He wonders why we don't hang out with him much anymore. When not banging our recently former girlfriends he's overly fond of women who are just out of high school.

Anonymous said...

I hope this works. Two of my friends have good looking girlfriends.

Anonymous said...

dont listen to this bullshit it wont work and u'll loss ur best friend to

Crystal. said...

The last one is true. When I moved away my boyfriend had nothing to do until he was 18. He made a world of warcraft account and our relationship has never been worse. You'd think after 2 years of my adventureous sex moves, 32 DD breast friends, and the pussy of an asian he'd pick me over that stupid game everytime. But no. I think lesbains made WoW so they could take men's sexuality and steal all the women.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I'll try #2!

Andrew said...

my friend dylan made out with my girlfriend. now its time for me to get back, b*tch!

Anonymous said...

my best friend has a sexy foreign girl he takes for granted but shes too faithful to him... even though I know she shouldn't be b/c shes not his type: shes blonde (fake but still)/he likes brunettes, shes tall/he likes short girls, shes a club girl who knows where she wants to get in life and is on her way to achieving that/hes a stinking fake ass hipster in it for the attention pretending to be an intellectual when he cant do sh!t and wants a degree that probably doesnt exist (astro-marine biology: where the f*ck are you going to go my friend?), and shes only a few days younger than him/he like 14 year olds (I swear! I've caught him checking them out and he dated a few; it makes me sick & ive been meaning to talk to him about it but idk what to say or how to start). weird thing is he doesnt appreciate her until he sees someone else ogling her. hes a pot addict that im this close to ratting out (at this point it seems worth it; i just hope they dont legalize it before i do that), hes also a video game addict (specifically wow and lol), and he has a questionable sexuality (im this close to convincing him to let me in on a 3some but shes not down for it and i bet that shed still stick with him afterwards; plus i know he wouldnt be able to keep up with me b/c of all the weed he smokes). goddam it! hes too lucky and he has what i deserve. i know some people might tell me to move on but i mean, he doesnt deserve her, shes the perfect match for me (i promise! i have way more in common w/her than she does w/him), and shes going to get her heart broken. god hes my best f5riend from childhood but hes still such a douche to her.