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Local Church to Hand out Hams

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – For a few of central Ohio’s needy, the holidays will be a little bit less hungry. Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” will be handing out over 200 hams to those who are in need. Food hand outs started back in 2005 when Pastor Phelps took over for the ailing Pastor Riffic. Pastor Phelps recalled, “We had about 50 people come to the church when we were handing out turkeys. Since then, the demand has grown and we are pleased to serve our Christian community.”

The church does not force people to be part of their congregation to receive the free ham. Pastor Phelps explains, “While we do not discriminate against non-church goers, we did switch from giving away turkeys to giving away hams in 2008 so that we would not get any hungry Muslims or Jews. We want to help as many Christians as possible, so the ham seems to keep the others away.” When asked if needy atheists would be turned away, Pastor Phelps laughed, “We’ll feed the Godless, too. Maybe when they see how generous and kind we are, they will change their ways.”

Ham handouts will continue through the end of the year.

Religious Backlash against saying “Turkey Day” instead of “Thanksgiving”

COLUMBUS, OH (HJ)– Joyce Withers stands outside the Kroger’s grocery store in the 43 degree weather with her three year old grasping on to her leg. The sign Mrs. Withers holds reads, “Thanksgiving: Thanks to Jesus.” Her daughter’s sign, which is lying forgotten against a row of carts reads, “It’s not Turkey Day, Give Thanksgiving to the Lord!”

Mrs. Withers is part of a growing group of religious devotees that believe Thanksgiving is losing its religious focus. “Saying Turkey Day is just as bad as saying X-Mas or Bunny Day. It’s downright evil.” She and hundreds of others plan continued protest today across the United States and California.

As many are aware, the Pilgrims sought religious freedoms when they came to America. Miss Wither’s explains, “The dinner with the Indians was a lot like the Last Supper. Bread was broken in the name of the Lord. Now days we celebrate in a similar way: The Turkey represents God. Jesus is the gravy and the Holy Spirit is the stuffing. I like the Holy Spirit part the best. Especially when it is cooked inside God.”

Mrs. Wither’s plans on protesting through the end of today and into Turkey Day. “We’ll be here through Thursday night and then we go and stand in line at the Wal-Mart so that we can get in on the early morning sales for Christmas.”

Stitches


Stitches or no?

Large Hadron Collider Warning Sign Translation

In Boston.com there was a beautiful photo spread of the Large Hadron Collider.

One of the photos looked like this:

(Maximilien Brice; Claudia Marcelloni, © CERN)

There is a curious sign at the top of the tunnel that looks like this:


In the article they say, "The sign at top warns of the presence of helium, argon and/or nitrogen in nearby pipes - gases that (if they leaked out) could displace oxygen and cause unconsciousness."

But I think it means the following:

Twitter takes care of that pesky Jesus question

I was trying to be funny when I wrote the following on Twitter concerning @Allah and @Jesus.


I then thought that maybe I should check to see if @Jesus even exists. When you click on his name, this is what you get:


I guess that answers that!

What to do with $15,000 stolen tax dollars

1. Buy a $15,000 car.
2. Pay lawyer to fight my case against IRS
3. $14,950 worth of ones and use the left over $50 to buy a one dollar bill folding machine
4. $7,500 of vinegar and $7,500 worth of baking soda
5. Buy 517 copies of Sarah Palin's book and use the leftover $12.17 for gasoline and matches
6. Buy a 60 ton Swedish Fish
7. Get 15,000 40oz-ers and make 5000 bums happy for the night
8. Invest in a better website designer. Possibly hire a real writer.
9. Get someone to do P-Dub's homework
10. Pay off credit card, pay off mini van, and use the left over $50 to buy TurboTax 2009.

Board Game Conundrums

No one is really sorry in Sorry!

You can't use the word Scrabble in Scrabble

There are really no monopolies in Monopoly

The Game of Life lacks any death

All the checkers are separated in Connect Four

There is no real candy in Candy Land

Brainstorm is actually well planned out

No one gets in trouble in Trouble

The whole concept behind Don’t Break the Ice is to break the ice

Risk is one army vs twenty; no one ever risks in Risk


Can you think of any more? (Sorry, I had to turn off comments due to spamming.)

Palin Waves Off Presidential Bid in 2012, Instead Aims at Running for Vice President

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Sarah Palin announced today from her book signing tour that she will not be seeking the Presidential bid in 2012. “Instead I will be refocused on the path that Americans if they will allow me to run for the office of the Vice President.” Upon hearing the statement, the wall to wall Columbus, Ohio crowd erupted, chanting, “Veep! Veep! Veep! Veep!”

Palin’s logic was very interesting, “I plan on hitting all those Primaries states, but in the opposite order of the Presidential Primaries so as not to be in the Primaries with the others who are in the Primaries for the occupation that is the Presidential Primary.” When asked about a preference as to which possible President she would like to serve under, she laughed, “We all know that doesn’t matter as long as I can accomplish that of which the American people hire me for; to get the job done!”

When it was mentioned that the President and Vice-President are elected together and not separately, Palin gave us a smile and said, “You know, those career politicians in Washington DC might want to trick the American people into voting how they want them to vote. That sounds a lot like Hitler’s Germany to me.”

Palin’s supporters rallied behind her decision. Don Beardee of Columbus was pleased, “I know Sarah will make a great American Vice-President no matter what President she serves under. What she lacks in debating, she make up for in character.” We played along and asked Sarah about the possibility of Obama getting re-elected in 2012 and Palin getting elected as Vice-President and having to serve under him. She smiled and said, “That possibility is a possibility and I have to take it under consideration as to my words with him and actions when international laws are broken and my feelings about dithering in Afghanistan and our brave soldiers needing patriotic support with the gotcha media and policy of really wanting to get those jobs so it is a possible possibility as I mentioned before. GO AMERICA!”

How to Look Busy at Work

With current economic conditions, it is imperative to keep your job. But right now, work is slow. The Boss has got their eye out for slackers. If you are lacking work around the office, your next best bet is to look like your plate is full of tasks. Here are some tips on how to look busy around the office:

Schedule all your work
I learned this as a project management tool, but it also is very helpful to make your schedule look packed. In your scheduling software, block off time for every task you have: scheduling, e-mail, meetings, returning calls, and even scheduling to send an e-mail about a returning phone calls meeting. Block off all that time. Anyone looking to schedule a meeting with you will look at your schedule and say, “Damn, they’re getting shit done!”

Carry stuff around
Busy people have paperwork. Busy people don’t have empty hands. I suggest keeping your hands full while walking from point A to point B in the office. Even if you are taking a few sheets of paper down to the recycling bin, keep those hands full. Heck, paperclip two different piles of papers and use two hands to professionally deliver your paper to recycling. Oh, and make sure you take a few sheets OUT of the recycling bin on your way back to your desk as props.

Prop out your desk
If your desk is neat, it might mean that you are a clean, organized worker (2% chance) or that you have nothing going on in your job (98% chance). Your desk is a great location to stage work. Keep a few files on your desk. Always keep some work in the IN box and some work in the OUT box. Leave papers with highlighter and post-its on them piled in a stack. Make sure you stamp everything with DRAFT so that people know you’ve got more work ahead. Half empty coffee cups also help to sell that you are not only busy, but burning the midnight oil.

Ask about office supplies

Busy people go through things like post-it notes, DRAFT stamps and highlighers. Ask the office manager or assistant about getting more supplies or report binders. Ask your co-workers if you can steal some of their staples or binder clips. Leave an e-mail with the computer help desk that the letters on your keyboard are wearing off. Especially the P R O F I and T keys. Word will get around.

Abuse the interoffice envelope system

Busy people get internal documents. I suggest you get your hands on a few of those beautiful, yellow bastards and begin sending yourself mail from different divisions in the building. (Don’t fake send documents from individuals.) Drop in a filled out vacation form, sign HR in the FROM column and your name in the TO column. Drop in a black check request and send it from FINANCE to yourself. Then, drop the envelopes off in other parts of the office. If the envelope does accidentally get delivered to HR or FINANCE, all they see is a form. But what should happen is that you’ll receive several interoffice envelopes a day. Make sure you spread out your envelopes and exchange them with other departments so that your name doesn’t appear ten times in a row.

Have lots of real mail sent to you

Busy people get snail mail. Sign up for catalogs from shipping companies or art supply distributors. Start signing up on-line for Project Management or Excel course and your mailbox will overflow with offers for 10 – 12 other courses in Anger Management or The Four Conversations or How to Look Busy. A full mailbox means a busy worker who shouldn't get fired.

Book a meeting room to get regular work completed

If your office is anything like mine, there are limited meeting room resources thoughout most of the day. I suggest scheduling the meeting room during fringe times and use the room to get your regular work done. Sit at the table where anyone peeking in through the door will see you in there. They will assume you are running a meeting. If someone does pop in the room or if you have one of those really cool glass meeting rooms, just say that you are waiting for an outside client. If they never show up… reschedule the “meeting.”


Envelope photo courtesy of adrianblack

Erik Eats: Milk Drink

When Erik is thirsty, Erik reaches for a Milk Drink.


Milk Drink


A Hot-Kid Milk Drink.


Here is Hot-Kid with his rosy cheeks and crazy hair, similar to all Asian kids. I guess if you drink enough Milk Drink, that happens to you.


Erik opens


And smells

And smells again

And again.


He drinks…..


AND IS MAGICALLY TURNED INTO HOT-KID!


HOT-KID!!


Hot-Kid likes Milk Drink!


Next Week on Erik Eats: Lament of the Yeast and Coconut Liquid Delight Container Water

The Intern Does Exactly What He Is Told

The Intern is long gone, but his legacy lives on.

We have a cupboard full of samples and someone sorted them out into several, unlabeled Tupperware bins. I thought this would be a wonderful activity for the intern to sift through the boxes and summarize what was in them on labels.

This is exactly what I told him to do, "Look in each bin and figure out what the samples are. Then label the bins on the top, front and back with the contents."

And this is what he did.





I think he did exactly what he was told.

Hometown Anonymous Survey, If It's Your Birthday

My hometown of Westerville is asking residents to take a survey about city services. Postcards were sent in the mail to help residents get to the survey website.

Here's a scan of the survey:


My initial thought was that they might track me down if I said some awful things about the city. (I really don't have any thing bad to say. Westerville is an great place to live with excellent city services.) Luckily, they included this disclaimer about anonymity:


That's great! They will not track my responses with some type of household identification number. And then I read down a few lines of the instructions:


Nice. I really assume that they are not using this number to track residents, but rather the areas of town or perhaps to only allow one survey per household. But they probably should have called that number something a little different.

The best part of the instructions comes a few lines later when they try to explain that this is a household survey and that only one member of the household should answer the online questions. For the couple that can't get their shit together and decide who should fill out the survey, they provide a marriage counseling solution:


This is how custody battles should be resolved in court.

Eddie uıǝʇspןoƃ and the Business Card

I met Eddie Goldstein in Denver back in 1995. He's a magician and a trickster. A friend and a an awesome guy to know. My company is smart enough not to send me to very many conferences as I might do something that would reflect poorly upon our institution. Every year that I do not go to the big yearly conference, I ask my co-workers to say hello to Eddie for me.

This year, someone went to the conference and said hi to Eddie for me. He in turn gave them one of his business card which was then placed in my mail box. Here's the card:


I immediately noticed that the phone number was upside down so in flipping the card you get this:


That is pretty cool. I looked at it, flipping the card down side up and back again for a few minutes. Then I flipped the card over and this is what I saw:


Thank you, Eddie. I miss you, too.

A Review of The Outland on Liberty

The Outland (at least I thought it was the Outland) has re-opened and I went on Saturday night to check it out. We were wrapping up our night at the HighBall and our friends were scattering to different bars/clubs. As several opportunities opened up, John turned to me and said, “Let’s go to the Outland.” I repeated, “Let’s go to the Outland.”

Here is the history of the Outland via Columbus Alive.
  • Circa 1994: Capuano's brother Chuck buys Outland, a struggling gay nightclub located at 1034 Perry St. in Harrison West
  • Sept. 2004: The bar closes after the property is sold to the Wagenbrenner Company, which turns surrounding land into an upscale housing development
  • 2005: The bar reopens in an old Big Bear on Harrisburg Pike on the South Side
  • April 2008: The bar closes after a charter school moves into the shopping center
  • Oct. 2009: Outland reopens in the former location of Metropolitan, a French bistro and lounge. An Eiffel Tower replica still welcomes bar-goers at the building's front entrance.
The newest version of the Outland is now located on Liberty Street in German Village. As a matter of fact, and I assume due to pending lawsuits with competing Goth bar interests, it is called The Outland on Liberty. The Eiffel Tower replica that is still out front is either on National Registry of Historic Places or just too damn expensive to remove.

Before I continue, I should build a small glossary of terms so that we will all be on the same page with the words I am about to use:

Freaky Freaks: A term of endearment. The standard attendee of the Outland… Goths, industrials, warlocks and witches. Wears black, tattooed, some make-up. A small percentage of these like to get their torture on.

Tourists: They stand out, but try to fit in. They are not in the Goth community, but enjoy the music and the atmosphere. They respect the Goth culture, except for the bit where they call them Freaky Freaks. It’s me. I am a tourist.

Popsicles: People who go to the Outland to see if what they heard was true. Little respect for the culture. They point and laugh. They only go once and that’s enough.

Torture: The area of Outland where people sign-up to get whipped or shocked or humiliated in front of everyone.

Get Your Dance On: Dance, anyway you want, without repercussions or judgment.

We arrived in separate cars and were able to take advantage of the ample German Village parking. As I waited for John to park, I watched many of the costumed people walk by, heading for the entrance. I would expect people to be “dressed up” entering The Outland on Liberty, as that’s what the Freaky Freaks do, but not as Sarah Palin or a bumblebee.

John and Bekah arrived and we headed up to the entrance.

There was something really wrong. As we walked up, there was an undeniable thump of poppy, generic club music dry heaving out the front door. This was not at all normal or actually was too normal if this were a standard club. Bland. As we stood in line, I could see the outside smoking area and it seemed like there was a mix of the standard Goths along with people dressed up in Halloween costumes. So we knew we were at the right place.

It was $5 to get in. We got in.

Inside, the same clubby music dismayed. Not that I am against club music in other clubs… I was just expecting a bit more brooding. There is a raised dance area on the left and a bar on the right. I went right. Back at the old Outland, you could order a rum and diet and they would pull out a generic bottle of rum and a 2-liter of Diet Big-K Cola. The two would negotiate real estate in the large plastic cup and usually rum would win about 85% of the cup. The Outland on Liberty did not disappoint. Generic rum was still available, but Big-K has been replaced by the fountain bar gun. The drink is still outrageously potent and cheap.

Potent potable

We looked around and got our bearings. Dance floor. Bar. Girl in leather dancing on bar. Bathrooms. This could not be it. There had to be more.

There! A double hallway leading back…somewhere.

On the other end of the hallway was a bit more of what I was expecting. Another raised dance area, but this time with industrial music. Though some miracle of architecture, the teeny-bopper club music from the other side of the building did not bleed into the Goth side.

There were couches and a DJ along with the dance area. Some pool tables that looked like that had made the journey from the Perry Street were stuck in the far back. And down a small, dark hallway was the torture area. It was currently populated by some dude getting whipped by a chick. He seemed to be enjoying it. Around the corner from the secluded whipping area was a few seats and some dude was shocking/ tickling/ pleasuring a chick with electricity. It was oddly stimulating to watch.

Back out on the main floor, the three of us took it all in. And sadly, it was a bit disappointing.

For one, there is way too much light. The Outland deserves to be dark. The place was lit up like a Christmas tree and I can say that with authority because there were Christmas lights strung up everywhere. I only want to be able to see about ten feet in front of me. There is comfort in the dark.

Now because it wasn’t dark, I couldn’t help but notice the chick in the extremely skimpy bikini walking around with shots. Yes, I am a big fan of the flesh, but it just seemed out of place for the Outland to have a worker strutting around in a bikini. Same goes for the very nice girl dancing on the bar in the club area. Sure she was hot and enticing, but I never saw the Outland as a place that paid people to be entertainment. It wasn’t necessary.

My biggest issue is that I don’t like all the Popsicles busting in while I’m getting my dance on. It is one thing when a few outsiders would show up at the Outland and either assimilate or leave. But when there is an entire club of them twenty feet away, it’s hard not to have a revolving door of lookie-loos checking out the brightly lit Goths. I was there on Halloween, so everyone was playing the role of someone else and it seemed like people were getting along, but I just don’t like to mix my mediums. I want dance with the freaky freaks and not have to think that I am being checked out every five minutes by a couple of Popsicles.

Two-Sack gets his dance on

I understand the need for club owners to please a larger crowd and to create a varied atmosphere for diverse patrons. But I really think that something has been lost. I’ve never seen the Outland books, so I do know if a customer base solely made up of Goths can keep a club open or not. Perhaps the owners have done this out of necessity. For a club so large, I can see where they need to pack as many people in there as possible. Perhaps Goths and Popsicles can learn to live and dance in peace. But I don’t think so and I don’t like it.

If the rumors are true that a second Goth bar will be opening in German Village and it caters to just the Goth crowd, I can all ready see a line of brooding, leather and black dressed patrons heading for a smaller, darker and accepting venue. And I’ll be right behind them.