Automatic Dial of 9-1-1

Back in ye old days, you’d mash some buttons on the phone keypad and when the network figured out that the combination of numbers was a full set, the phone on the other end would begin to ring. This was great, except when you weren’t done dialing yet. This happened a lot when you were dialing long distance or to your Dad in prison overseas. If there was an emergency, you’d hit 9-1-1 and the call would go through as soon as you hit the last 1.

Then came the cordless phone and cell phones. With these technologies, you dial a number and then press “SEND” or the greenest button on your phone. Now if you want to dial 9-1-1, you have to hit the numbers and then push “SEND.” This can be problematic when you have a young child or a color-blind, illiterate babysitter.

I propose that all phones should immediately dial 9-1-1 when those buttons are first pressed. I cannot think of any situation when 9-1-1 would be the first numbers hit in any phone number or even accidentally in a text message.

Can anyone think of a reason why this should not be? Quick, call your congressperson and tell them to get moving on the HolyJuan Bill.

An Open Letter to Sarah Silverman

Dear Ms. Silverman,

Hello and greetings from the far east end of the Midwest. My name is Doug and you and I are destined to have sex. I know this may come as a shock to you, but I think the stars are pretty much lined up and they make a bee line from my weenier to your, I assume, well trimmed vaginal groin area.

You are most likely aware of an item called a “Laminated List.” For those who are reading this open letter that are not likely aware, it is a list of three famous people that one spouse will allow the list holding spouse to have sex with, if the opportunity arises.

I recently put you at the #1 spot on my laminated list during the yearly open enrollment. I apologize that you did not make the 07’-08’ list, but we were both very busy and I assume that we would not have been able to make the time to get together.

With your newly single status and my newly laminated list, I believe we have a wonderful opportunity for you to experience seventeen to twenty seconds of very awkward, if not embarrassing, sex with me.

I do not plan on being in Los Angeles or New York in the near future, but I can make arrangements to travel to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Detroit and/or Columbus. As you are famous, I am hoping that you and land a gig in one of these places. I hear Columbus is especially enjoyable this time of Summer. It would be best if you were shooting a film so that we can have sex in your movie star trailer, as sex in the Funny Bone Comedy Club bathroom is awkward and stinky.

Please contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com to arrange a meeting. I will not call nor contact you afterwards and rules dictate that I remove your name from the list as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Best of luck and sex with me,


Doug

PS If you could time it, my High School Reunion is at the end of September. It would be great if you could come as my date. I know it's cheesy, but I have several chicks in my class I need to get comeuppance upon.

Laminated List Week

It’s the last week of July and you know what that means! It’s UPDATE YOUR LAMINATED LIST week.

As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse will allow you to have sex with. If ever the opportunity presents itself, you have permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.

Every year, during the last week of July, you are allowed to update the list.

So here is my list for 08’ – 09’…

1. Sarah Silverman (recently single)
2. Christina Ricci
3. Leelee Sobieski

Sorry Alyssa Milano, you didn't make the cut this year.

Who’s on your list for this year?

Good Morning Jon

Good Morning Jon,

Your wife is slowly bleeding out her belly button. We did some calculations and we figure she will bleed to death in 8.9 years or be killed by a mob of people that is completely grossed out.

Have a great morning and please ensure the pool is closed by 8:45pm tonight.

Kisses,

HolyJuan

PS Communication by RSS feed is the new IM.

Ask HolyJuan: 614-GAY-IDOL

I understand that several of my readers do not have hands or are busy with their hands while reading my site.

I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.

Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!

Schnuckelputz: Putting “ass” in the glass

We were in Athens, OH this past weekend for an Ohio University reunion of friends. In all, about eighteen of us made our way back to OU to reminisce and drink and reminisce about drinking. I hadn’t seen some folks for over fourteen years. It was a very good time.

For dinner, Miss Sally, Russ, Cheri and I went to Casa Nueva. Casa is a highly regarded Mexican restaurant that utilizes local farmers and producers. The food is awesome. We ordered dinner, drank Mexican beer and discussed our plans for the rest of the evening. Next to our table was a flyer for Schnuckelputz, a wine from Shade Winery.



Per the advert, I could see that the Schnuckelputz was:
Carbonated
Ginger
Lemon
Wine

I’m aware of carbonation.
I’ve had ginger. It’s the light, refreshing stuff that sits next to your sushi.
Lemon, check.
Wine and I have had a relationship for years.

So I ordered a glass.



What I did not know at the time was the origins of the word Schnuckelputz:
Schnuckel (German) - drip from the ass or wet from the backside
Putz (Yiddish) – fool, idiot

The foul, rancidness contained within that glass cannot be described. I had Russ try a sip and he gagged and made a horrible face. I was not quick enough to catch it on camera so later I had him sniff the glass to relive the experience.



I assume that on its way to the restaurant, the bottle of Schnuckelputz was accidentally filled with a combination of urine and battery acid. The bottle was then smuggled across the border of Mexico in a Crohn's Disease sufferer’s lower intestine, where it was set out in the sun for three weeks. Upon its return via a railcar filled with diarrhea, it was rinsed, chilled, lightly shaken and poured into my glass.

And to spite everyone, I drank the whole thing. For the rest of the night, I couldn’t stop burping up ginger.



We saved six people’s lives on our way out of the restaurant who were discussing, fortunately out loud, if they should order a glass of abomination.

And just so you are aware, my poop smelled like ginger for the next two days.

To sum up:

Casa Nueva = HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
Schnuckelputz = Ask, instead, for the interactive, taste colonoscopy

Fark Photoshop 7-23-08

My entry on Fark for a Photoshop post.



I just realized my ball is the mouse and that's not how it works...

Fixed...

Ruined Photo

Don't you hate it when you take a great photo and then it is ruined by one person in the background?

Scam Baiting Dating {The FINAL update}

I have jumped back into the ScamBaiting game again. This one is especially good because it involves a woman or a man pretending to be a woman. Let’s see how Alicia and Juan strike up a beautiful and loving relationship.

I have gone through a pruned out the bullshit to clean this up a little as it was getting a bit long. You'll note the {bullshit} tag in these areas.

{Author's notes are bolded and in brackets}
--------------dashes separate the letters---------------------

from Alicia Harry
date Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Hello

Hello
My name is Alicia,i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and if you dont mind i will like you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address believe we can move from here!I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Alicia.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter even our age difrent because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you,

-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to Alicia Harry alicia181810@yahoo. com
date Mon, Jun 21, 2008 at 8:11 PM
subject Re. Hello

Alicia!

So good to hear from you! I am surprised that you have contacted me as I have been without a wife for three years now. Even with all our money I was unable to save her...

But enough of the sad! So good that you contacted me. How did you hear of me?

Please let me know what you want to talk about. I do not care about looks, just good conversation.

Thanks,

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

{Somehow, Alicia’s last name and e-mail have changed.}

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 2:07 PM

Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail ,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.

I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile ,I am Miss Alicia, 24 years old girl from Liberia,the only daughter of Late Mr Fred Camara the deputy minister …
{bullshit}

I am beginning to build some kind of trust on you and after i have finish reading your last mail to me,i want to confide fully in you, it can only be achieved by constant communication which we have just started right now but i am pleading that you should assist me to develop phone conversation and constant E-mail because they don't allow us to make foreign calls in camp,but through the phone i have given you we can receive freely.i want to be rest assure that your serious if only you will show your seriousness and a kind of sincerity to me by giving me your full contact as it's listed below to enable me be rest assured in you .
Your phone number.....
Your home contact address...
Your residence country......
Your age..........................
Your occupetion................
and also tell me more about yourself so that we can flow along.

Note: that this issue is 100% genuine and risk free, please do not forget to get back to me with all i need from you to enable us confide on each other gradually and next to the this mail will be the contact of the Firm were the money is being deposited by my late father in my name as a next of kings to it ,watin to hear from you soon.

Love & care from,
Alicia



-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 8:21 PM
subject Re: Hello

Alicia,

What a terrible life you have had! I wish I could make all step mothers go away, but then, if we get married, you will be my children's stepmother!

I have the finances to help you leave your country, but I need to know a few things about you, too. My wife, God bless her soul, was a great cook and a comforting lover. I will need to know that you can satisfy my wants and needs.

Please let me know the following:
1. Can you cook?
2. Can you wash clothes?
3. Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
4. Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
5. Can you watch children?

Here are the answers you needed from me:

Your phone number..... 702-520-1131 {A sales call we got last week}
Your home contact address... 2855 West Dublin Grandville. Road. Columbus, OH 43235 {The Columbus Police Department}
Your residence country...... United States
Your age.......................... 52
Your occupetion................ Inventor, Salesman, Lover, Dreamer

As part of this deal, I will require 50% of all profits. I will allow you to continue school, but you must wear full length dresses and a veil. (I do not want to pay for you to come here and then have some 20 year old boy steal you from me.) You will cook and clean and every second night we will have sexual relations in the mouth and in your backside. At first it will hurt, but you will get used to it. On every third night, we will dress up and play, "Cannonball of Love."

Please do not be afraid to ask about the details of sex. If you are not comfortable with this, then we will have to break off this relationship.

Again, I do have the money to bring you to the United States, but only if we can work out an agreement. In time you will grow to love me.

My dearest love to you,

Juan Stein

PS You photo is very very pretty and you are beautiful! I have attached my photo.




-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello Honey
i saw you mail am so happy with you Honey about your question is a good one believe me honey i will do more than you think as for your baby he will also be my baby too. also i can cook and do any domestic works at home time with out number .
may God be with you .

I really appreciate your concern, and i will like you to start by contacting the bank here first and find out the possibility of transfering this fund to your position.I have decided to trust my whole life in your hand and hope that you will not betray the trust. Please dont tell anybody about this matter ok, promise me that you will not let anybody to know about this matter for my safety ok.
I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life.

Bellow here is the contact of the bank.

BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.......... +221 777 848 961
Please send email to the Bank, When you get them, you tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578,
{bullshit}.My prayer is for God to grant me my pussuance and by the grace of God he will surely see
us through.
{bullshit}.
i love you.
God bless you,
Yours lovely.
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 9:01 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

God bless you too deary, but even the lord needs a good roll in the sack... I need some more detail of the questions I asked.

Yeah yeah yeah, you can take care of kids, what I really want to know is if you can MAKE kids. I need three or four of the little guys running around.

Please answer my questions from earlier and then I will contact the bank. What name should I use when I contact the bank?

Answer these questions:

Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
Can you MAKE children?

You're on a mission and your wishin someone could cure your lonely condition. Lookin for love in all the wrongplaces no fine girls just ugly faces. Some frustration first inclination Is to become a monk and leave the situation, but every dark tunnel has a light of hope so don't hang yourself, with a celibate rope.

I look forward to your answers! What is a good time to call the bank?

In his holiness name of the Lord and such...

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM

Hello Honey
How are you to day hope this email will reach to you in good condition of health?
Dearest i am so happy when i read your mail to day concern the Questions which you ask me,
1)i can take every good care of kids,
2)i will make kids with you if you want,
3)i will give you as much as kids you want
4)i want you to contact the bank with my name and let them to know that you are my partner,
5)i will lie on bed any time you want,
6)Honey contact the bank to day with they email or phone number like i said,

However,Honey please try to help me transfer the money in to your account and don't forget to let me know when ever you contact the bank and you have to contact them today like i said because they will be waiting to hear from you because i told them about you that you will contact them by your self so please contact them to day,i will be waiting to hear from you soon as you get in contact with bank.
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------------

{My letter to the "bank."}

from HolyJuan
to Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
date Wed, Jun 25, 2008 at 8:43 AMsubject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578.mailed-by gmail.com


Hello,

I am contacting you concerning Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578

But before we discuss this, I need to know a little bit about Miss. Alicia Camara. She is going to move to the United States to be my wife but I MUST know if she is a virgin or if she has been with men. I saw her photo, but you know how photos can be. Is she beautiful or will I need to buy more paper bags?

When she gets to the states, I am going to violate her in every room of my house (and my house has 22 rooms!) She has told me that I can make love in her butt!

I plan on sending her some money, but I will not unless you can help me determine if this is a scam or if she is not as "boing - boing" and "hot potato" as she says she is.

Please help and God be praised,

Juan Stein

-------------------------------------------------------------

{The "bank" replies.}

from bis bank to HolyJuan
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM subject ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/PROCEDURE

BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Bank dircetor..... Alhaji L.E.Kazeem
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.........+221 777 848 961
FRENCH/ENGLISH/PUBLIC REPORTS ON COUNTRY:

ATTENTION: SIR

DATE 26-06-08

DEAR SIR.

THIS IS REFFERENCE TO YOUR REQUEST THROUGH YOUR EMAIL FOR
THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEPOSITED FUND OF
($4.850.000USD ONLY) IN OUR BANK, WILLED TO (HER DAUGTHER) ALICIA.

AS FOR YOUR QUECTION OVER OUR LATE COSTUMER DAUGHTER MR FRED CAMARA DAUGHTER MISS ALICIA SHE IS A GOOD GIRL I NOW HER FAMILY WELL BEFORE THE INSIDENT OF THE FAMILY SO IS POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BE A VIRGIN SHE IS NOT A SCAMMER .GO AHEAD AND DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO HELP HER TRANSFER HER LATE FATHER FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.

{bullshit}.

BASED ON YOUR REQUEST, WE HAVE CROSS-CHECKED THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM YOU BY OUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, THE DEPOSITOR\'S ACCOUNT BALANCE IS FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR ONLY ($4.850.000USD).

{bullshit}
{bullshit}
{bullshit request for information which you'll see below}

WE SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVINENCES, AND WE PROMISE TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE BEST OF OUR QUALITY BANKING SERVICES.

THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY

ALHAJI L.E.KAZEEM
(MD) OF BIS BANK

-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:18 PM
subject Re: ALICIA

Hello sweet baby chick pie a la mode!

I contacted the bank and the want information I cannot provide! Can you help me find the following information?

1. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DRAFT AN APPLICATION LETTER REQUESTING FOR THE CLOSURE AND TRANSFER OF THE SAID FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.

2. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AUTHORITY LETTER (POWER OF ATTORNEY) DULLY SIGNED BY A SENEGALAIS BASED LAWYER AS YOUR WITNESS, MANDATING YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIMS AND TRANSFER ON THE NEXT OF KIN'S BEHALF.

3. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A COPY OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEATH CERTIFICATE, ISSUED BY A PUBLIC/GENERAL HOSPITAL CONFIRMING HIS DEATH.

4. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT IN DAKAR SENEGAL, SINCE THE NEXT OF KIN IS RESIDING IN SENEGAL .

5. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF SENEGAL.

6.YOU SHOULD PRESENT THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE ACCOUNT HOLDER (MR FRED CAMARA)

What should I do? Oh sweet goatse! How will I ever get all this paperwork!

Please help! I miss you so badly. I can almost feel you in my arms.

I love you so much!

Love

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 11:42 AM

Good Day Honey

I thank you very much for the notification of the reply you received from the BANK I greatly appreciate the love that you are filling into my empty life, Indeed it is natural and nothing can turn us apart, I hope to come to your place soon as possibily . your sweet confident mails close to me, I have been thinking the way to solve this matter perfectly and I have got the solution. I am very happy to recieve from you the response from the BANK, I thank God for everything,I really appreciate your care and your concern and I know God will surely see us through. According to the BANK request, After reading the message you received from the BANK I understand that they required a backing documents seal and sign with a Senegalis Base Lawyer,

1) Firstly I have the Death Certificate of my late father with me here. which I will attach it and send it to you now as the BANK requested from you. What you have to do is to contact this Lawyer for him to help us and get the power of Attorney please,
2) Since you can't come here in person I have been thinking that we will need the services of a lawyer here who will represent us at the federal high court here in Senegal to get the affidavite of oath and support, the lawyer will also help us to prepare the power of attorney on our behalf.
This lawyer will help us to get the item which is the power of attorney and the affidavite of oath and the lawyer will also draft the transfer application for us and support from the federal high court here in Senegal.

Please keep this matter strictly confidential, I can always trust you, Because I don't want my step mother or any of my relatives to know about this on any account, as you can see that we are almost at the end of this matter, God will help us.

Now there is no need for us to keep waiting since the BANK are ready to make this transfer once the documents are ready, I have ask the Rev.Father here and he gave me a contact of a good indiginal lawyer here in SENEGAL who will help us to get this documents without wasting much time, Bellow here is the lawyer contact The Rev.Father gave me;

Barrister Ashman Chambers Association
Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada
President, Ashman Duke Law Chambers Senegal.
19, Rue Abdoul Karim Bourgi X Wagane Diouf B.P. 1976, Dakar, Senegal. , Dakar , Senegal ,00221
Phone No.: +221 768 788 006
Personal Email Contact : ashmanduk4@yahoo.com

Please, I will like you to make contact with this law firm immediately and ask him to help us to get those needed document for us?
{bullshit} Send the letter you received from the BANK to the lawyer immediately for his more understanding on what he need to do, Thank you for your concern, always put me in your daily prayers.

with love and kisssss

Best Regard
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------------

{The photos she sent were actually links and I'm not clicking on any links. Let's drop some new information on her and see if our relationship is strong enough to survive!}

from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.

Oh dear! As my loins throb and ache, I must tell you that I cannot download the files you sent! I click on the file and nothing happens! Oh I am so upset! Can you please re-send them?

I must also tell you something that I have been hiding from you. I am not ashamed of it, but I must share this with you before you come and be my wife of love and the anal sex.

I am deaf. I cannot hear out of my left ear and my right ear is 120% deaf.

I KNOW WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. I should have told you at first, but I was scared you would not keep talking to me.

If you are ashamed of me, do not bother replying back. I will weep and the tears will burn down my orifices. Oh the melody!

But if you still love me, then we will make this work. I can teach you sign language or I can learn to write in whatever gibberish you speak.

WE CAN BE OF THE LOVE!

Please let me know your decision sweet, moist love.

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 10:24 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.

Hello Honey
i saw your mail this afternoon i became so happy to hear from you. as for what you said i coming to you is the will of God and for the love i have for you .what you will know now . that is not problem to me i want you to be my husband i will be under you i have not being having any contact with any man before. that is why i need a partner of my life that will help me out of this situation

So honey go ahead and contact the lawyer for me to know when the transfer will be after that i will be coming to meet you face to face .

Honey contact him immediately ok.the attachment is the document.
I love Honey may Good bless you for me and greet my little baby for me ok.
Alicia

{The photos she attached. I like the last one best!}

Her photo ID from the refugee camp. The photo is oddly similar to the
first one she sent.



Death certificate. Click to enlarge and get a good laugh.


Flowers from my love!



-------------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.

I will e-mail him today.

I am fixing up a room for you in my home!! Because of some trauma I suffered in my youth at camp, I tend to thrash around in bed so you will be required to sleep in a separate room. It took me a while to acquire all the leather straps and iron bars, but I think with your womanly touch, you will able to make this room your own. Hopefully you don;t mind not having windows. There is a bulb hanging from the ceiling that will suffice. Besides, sunlight will make your skin dry and I need you to be un-cancerous.

Love you in Gods name and his belt buckle,

Juan

-------------------------------------------------------------

{My letter to the lawyer, Barrister Ashman.}

to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 8:23 PM
subject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia

Hello Barrister Assman,

Hello and fine welcome. My name is Juan Stein of these United States. It is good to speak with such a educated person such as yourself. I, too, am educamted in several languages and maths. Sadly, an accident has taken away my hearing and I cannot hear so I am unable to speak the languages I cannot hear because I have lost my hearing. I'm sure you know the feeling.

I have some items I need you to review. I am working in tandem to retrieve some monies for my fiancée and wife to be, Alicia Camara, late daughter of the late Mr. Fred Camara. I have take it upon myself to help this young, virginal lady with regaining her finances as well as preparing a home for her here in the United States of America. When she gets here, oh boy the ass rapings will commence!

I have attached some paperwork to help these proceedings. I am also hoping I can retain your legal counsel to attain the proper paper work so that Alicia can come to the United States as soon as possible. My burning chode can wit no longer for her love.

Please let me know the costs associated with gaining her a passport and visa. I know these can be expensive and I do not care what lengths and breasts you have to go to. Even if it requires some "quote" paperwork under the table, do what you must to get her here!!

I have listed some of the requirements below. I've been to hell and back to get this paperwork and I can stand for you screwing this up. Please note the six items below as well as the attachments I am sending you.

{The bullshit six items from the previous letter}

Please let me know if you can help or if I have to find another law guy to help me.

Thank you Assman,

Juan Stein



---------------------------------------------

{A letter from Alicia after I told her I would contact the lawyer.}

Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 8:55 AM
subject I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.

Hello Honey
Good Afternoon Honey
How is life over there i hope you are ok.
i saw your mail this afternoon sorry for my late reply is because of my condition here in the camp. i hard what you said infact i am so much happy for you infact Honey i can do with out you
Honey try your best to contact the lawyer as you said i can wet any more to see your face to face..
Honey please do everything fast i will like to be with you today or tomorrow ok.watin to hear a good news from you.
HONEY I LOVE YOU
Alicia

---------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
subject Re: I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.

Oh my sweet num num num, it is so good that you have not thrown me in the bushes because of my hearing problem. A man with out ears in the united states is as good as a bike without a baseball hat in Africa.

I have contacted the lawyer. I want you to know that I am talking to them about getting you a passport and a visa so that you can come to my house in the United States. The cost for the money transfer is reasonable and I want to make sure that the cost for your passport and transportation will not blow a load in my sock.

Once the lawyer guy tells my how to get you here, then we are 50% of the halfway mark!

Usually I masturbate three to four times a day, but I have not at all since your last message to save up for you!

Let us pray to Jesus and God (Oh God Let the trip and travels of Alicia be of short and hurried manner. Let the carry on baggage be free of 7oz containers and sharp objects. May her flight not be delayed and may she land on time. OH GOD! In your mercy, let the Taxi be swift and the tip be modest so that my sweet sweet Alicia may arrive into her cell and holding area. May the leather straps not chaff her skin. Dear God in heaven next to her sweet departed father who's internal organs did bleed in your name.

In your name lubricate,

Amen.)

Once the lawyer gives me the jive, you just hang loose blood and she be back on the rebound with the medicide.

LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH,

Juan

---------------------------------------------------

{Here is the correspondence with the lawyer.}


Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:35 AM
YOUR REQUEST SIR

Attention: Juan
Ref: CSS/LMU/T/ 08
Date ; 30/06/08

In accordance to the request of your mail contacting us on the issue of helping you to procure the necessary documents required by the BANK to make your claims of the Fund to your residence country,we are happy and highly honoured and promise to assist and represent you in all assigns.The affidavit of support will first be obtained from the federal High Court here in Senegal which i will sworn in your favor and as soon as this is ready, we will proceed immediately to draft the Power of Attorney which will be dully signed by the next of kin to the Fund and witness by me also notarized by the federal High court. To Process the documents we need the following information from you:
(1) Your full name and your address as you will like it to appear in the documents
(2) Your reachable telephone and fax number.
(3) Scan copy of your international passport pages that contain your full information OR your driving license
It's mandatory that you sumite the require fees before we carry on your service, to enable us settle with some of the offices at the Federal High Court here in Senegal, The cost of obtaining the documents Excluding our service fees is $2,250 Dollars (Two Thousand Two hundred and fifty Dollars Only) Included in fees are:
1: Consultation/Mobilization
2: Opening of File Case
3: Drafting of the Power of Attorney
4: Sworning of Affidavit of Oath
5: Notarization and Endorsement
Note,Upon the receipt of the fees and the information,we shall proceed immediately and process the documents which will take us 2 working days to complete.Pls feel free to contact the president of our chamber Barrister Ashman on his direct phone line (+221 768 788 006) for any questions.On hearing from you,we shall provide you details for you to make the payment.

Our Regards Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada,
President Ashman Law Chambers Senegal,

--------------------------------------------------------

From HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:39 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Mrs Jane Okada,

Thank you for your reply. I am also in need of the costs for bringing Alicia to these United States. Can you breakdown the following costs:

1. passport fees
2. visa fees
3. transportation fees
4. virginity certification
5. extra baggage fees
6. vaccinations

Please let me know these costs to combine with the access to the money of her late father.

In Jesus name,

Juan Stein

------------------------------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan date Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:51 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR.JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR REQUEST I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU SIR .BUT PLEASE YOU WILL GIVE ME SOME HOURS SO THAT I WILL GO TO EMBASSY AND DO THE INQUIRIES THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU OK.

ASHMANDUKE


------------------------------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
HolyJuan
Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM


HELLO MR JUAN.
I HAVE GOT THE INFORMATIONS ABOUT HER TRAVELING DOCUMENTS THIS IS THE COST OF EVERYTHING.

1. passport fee---------$250
2. visa fee----------------$450
3. transportation fee-$150
4. virginity certification$400
5. extra baggage fee--$370
6. vaccination fee-------------$270
7.missionally fee---------$550

TOTAL COSTS ------ $2,440 dollars.
THANKS.

ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 2:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Dear Mr. Assman,

These prices are satisfactory.

As you may be well aware, I will be bringing my sweet Alicia to the United States. Like a ship into the tubes of fallopia, I need to ensure that my "package" has not been touched by man. If I find out that she has been violated by man or beast, I shall negate this deal.

I will need the results of the virginity test BY A DOCTOR before I will continue this deal.

Please do not let Alicia know that I have concerns about he purity and virginity, but I do not want a diseased woman to touch my penis and taint.

I will need the results of the virginity test before I will complete this deal.

I am going to tell Alicia that everything is ready to go and that she will be having a Doctors test to make sure she is healthy. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE VIRGINITY TEST.

In my next e-mail to her, I will tell her that you are going to have a doctor look to see if she is healthy to come to the United States. Secretly the doctor should check her out and see if she is pure.

If she finds out about the test, this deal is OFF!!

Get a doctor to check her and i will reassure her that the doctor is just checking her blood and health.

Thank you for your understanding,

Juan Stein

----------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 5:57 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR


HELLO MR JUAN

HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY, SIR WE RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE I WENT TO THE CAMP TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER ALICIA TO LAB. AS YOU REQUEST FROM ME.
SIR IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE SECURITY IN THE CAMP,BUT I SPOKE WITH THE REV. FATHER IN THE CAMP ASKING HIM ABOUT ALICIA HI SAID A LOT ABOUT HER AND ALSO THEY HAVE HOSPITAL INSIDE THE CAMP BECAUSE THE CAMP IS UNDER MISSIONARY CONTROL, THE REV. SAID SOMETHING THAT SUPRISE ME ABOUT YOUR PARTNER ALICIA .THAT SHE MADE A VAIL BEFORE GOD THAT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY MAN TILL SHE MEET HER LIFE PARTNER.

SO MR JUAN ,YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND, SIR DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEND THE MONEY TO GET THE PEPPERS WORK FOR THE TRANSFER OK .IF I WILL ADVISE YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU ARE DOING FAST SO THAT YOU WILL NOT LOSS HER OK.
WE TIN TO HEAR FROM AND HOW TO SEND THE MONEY OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D

----------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:43 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR


Listen here Assman,

I need a certificate of virginity. I will not bring a woman over here unless I have one. The last eight women I have brought over all had certificates of virginity, signed by a doctor. Sadly, all those undocumented women died in very tragic accidents and now I need a new one and my sweet love Alicia is that woman.

Perhaps there is another lawyer in that squalor town you live in that can get me a certificate and I will have to go through them like a peanut butter sandwich with extra mayo, eh companion?

Get slapping on that certificate or I will seek other representation.

Speaking of payment, do you use direct deposit or does the money need to be in an international cheque or perhaps a barron's bond? I have sent money in the form of both wire transfer and gold bullion. Please let me know what you prefer.

In your honor and such,

Juan

--------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR JUAN
THIS YOUR REQUEST HAS GETTING MORE THAN REQUIRED ,LISTEN MR JUAN ,I AM A BARRISTER NOT A DOCTOR THIS YOUR REQUEST IS NOT MY DUTY OK.MY DUTY IS TO HELP YOU PREPARE DOCUMENT FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND YOU ASK OF .PLEASE IF YOU NEED ANY ORDER HELP FROM ME FILL FREE TO CONTACT ME OK.FOR YOUR PARTNER ALICIA IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WALK INTO THE WOMEN CAMP AND ASK HER OUT IS IMPOSSIBLE OK
ASHMANDUKE
M.D

---------------------------------------------

{You're fired!}


from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 9:56 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR


Thank you for your service.

I will be seeking the aid of another barrister who actually knows what he is doing.

I'm sure I can find SOMEONE who can get a simple virginity certificate.

Epic fail.

Juan


-------------------------------------------------

{Here is a side conversation that I have had with Alicia during the lawyer conversation. MORE REVELATIONS! What you cannot see here is that "Alicia" keeps attaching photos of flowers to her e-mails... I think it's love.}


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:43 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello My Sweet Heart

i saw your mail,thanks for your concern about my health.

Honey we have our private hospital we do text every month because the camp is under missionary and the security in the camp is too much .so Honey don,t worry about that .my problem is for you to settle with the lawyer as you promise me ok.as for me i make a Vail with God that man can not see my private part till i get married with my partner and also God is helping me no matter the condition i find my self ok.i will like to hear a good news from you about the lawyer today and tomorrow ok.

I love Honey

Alicia

----------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Sweet love meat Alicia!

Please do not let anyone worry you. I am working with the lawyer. He is going to have a doctor check you out to make sure you are not sick.

I cannot have you sick if you are going to come over to the United States. You must be healthy to make it through the Trials of Mordor that I have planned for you. I have stocked the pantry with 80 pounds of peanut butter!

Ihope you are not alergic!

Your husband to be,

Juan


------------------------------------------------------


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:44 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello honey
i saw your mail this morning ,i am not happy with you OK.after my prayer yesterday night God show me some thing ,i come to understand that you are hidden some secret thing for me after giving you my heart with trust,i trust you with my heart but you don,t care ,what you care for is if am with sickness ,did i look like someone with sickness? as i can see you want to break my heart .Honey please tell me your mind consigned me OK.if you are ready to help me out, after my yesterday mail to you,is because you don't love or trust me the way i do to you every day you tell me that you are working thing out with lawyer as some one you love you can not forward me any mail from the lawyer for me to know true you are working with him ok ,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.
with love
Alicia


------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Alicia,

I have been lying to you. I am sorry.

I tried to have the Barrister run a virginity authenication test on you to make sure you have not been with a man in the bed of sex before.

The barrister has quit the job and we will need to find a new one. I am sorry to cause this trouble for you.

Can you please locate another Barrister? And please find one that will take a wire transfer of funds. I do not want to send a check or cash. Western Union is best but I will take any other trustful wire service.

I am sorry I lied to you. Of course you are clean. I just wanted to make sure you have not lain with man or beast before i penetrate you with my throbbing rod of man muscle.

I too have prayed to God and he said that I need to get you out of the camp and bring you back to the United States so that I can violate his sacred veil that is wrapped around your groin. God also said to use corn on the cob with you as well. Who am I to doubt the word of God and his sweet buttery goodness?

All my love,

Juan



--------------------------------------------------------


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:02 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Hello Good evening Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail but i can,t understand you well .
please Honey can you please tell me what the lawyer did to you,as you can understand, our Rev.give me the contact of the lawyer.so before we look for another one i will tell the Rev.what the lawyer hi give me his contact did to my sweet heart,Honey as you can see i am not a free person for now. so that i will ask him to look for another lawyer ok.i will like to stop there till i hear from you ok.
Olive you with my heart ,honey please try to do everything fast ok.when the money will be transfered into your account in usa ,and also i will be your life the money will be your and me alone.
thank
Alicia

-------------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Alicia,

I have another secret to share with you. Please, if you can see it in God's name, do not leave me. If you can keep this secret, I will get the old lawyer back.

I am a gay man. A homosexual. I'm not sure what you call them in you language... perhaps a trough slurper or dark path weiner sniffer. Maybe you might refer to me as a long dong cat stuffing harlot from Kansas City. Either way, I am a man who loves other men.

the reason I need you is so that I can hide my faggotry from others. If my friends and co-workers find out I am gay... it is all over Johnny.

Please... can you find it in your heart to still come and live with me and pretend to be my wife. I will still love you in your buttocks, but only as a man would love another man.

Please tell Mr. Assman the lawyer that I am very sorry and that I will contact him again if you will promise to keep my secret a secret promise.

Promise?

Love,

Juan

--------------------------------------------------------


from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:19 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Hello Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail,is OK i understand you but everything is in your hand.as for me i will do anything for your seck,i promise you i will keep the secret for the love i have on you.but i don't know your plan over me,Honey you always telling me that you will settle the lawyer as you said .Honey if Lilly you care for me write to the lawyer now and send him what he need from us to start the job today,tomorrow ,i want to come over to USA anytime from now ok.if you Lilly love me the why i do to you .my Rev. said that the lawyer is a good man and he have mouth in the government, so Honey contact him and know how to settle with him ok..i will stop here till i hear from you ok
i will always love you .
Alicia

-----------------------------------------------------------------


{Let's see if I can get the lawyer back on board.}

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 11:20 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR


I owe you an apology.

I know you were unable to come up with a Virginity Certificate for Alicia and I am sorry that I told you to go shove a mini-van up your ass. I should have thought that out.

Let's start over...

What information do you need from me so that we can proceed with the money transfer for Alicia? As a gay man, I feel obligated to help this poor girl.

We also need to get the travel arrangements for Alicia finalized. Can you answer the following questions:

1. What airport will she be flying out of?
2. How many bags?
3. Does she need to fly first class?

Thank you,

Juan Stein

--------------------------------------------------

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 3:35 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE ARE SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME ,WE LILLY APOLOGIES OK. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TRAVELING ALICIA ,NO PROBLEM ABOUT THAT SHE WILL COME TO USA WITH A NURF LUGGAGE'S OK ,SHE WILL USE FIRST CLASS AND SHE WILL FLY WITH AIR FRANCE OK.
the following are the information you need to send the money by western union
Name: Mrs.Jane Okada
Address: Unit 22 Medina, Dakar Senegal.
Then forward me this 3 information so that i can cash the money over here as soon as you transfer the money.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender.
I shall get back to you as soon as i receive the money.

Regard mrs.Jane Okada

-----------------------------------------
{Let's see how Assman likes my math.}

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 5:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused and will put in an additional $50 as a special reward for your services. Please use this money to buy a shirt or a pair of socks. I would also suggest Enron stock as well as Bears Sterns.

The original amount was $2,250 to release the funds
The costs for travel etc was $2,440
My tip to you is $50

For a total of $4,740

When I convert your Senegal Dollars to American US dollars I get $11.13
{4,740 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 11.13 US Dollar (USD) }

Please make sure this number is correct and get back to me post haste!

Thank you Assman,

Signed,

HolyJuan

----------------------------------------------------------
{Assman reveals that the $5,000 was to be in US currency, not his local chits.}

from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:42 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO MR.JUAN
I SAW YOUR MAIL,SORRY FOR LATE REPLY .AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT THE MONEY FOR THE PEPPERS WILL COST $2,250 US DOLLARS AND OTHER MONEY FOR THE TRAVELING OF YOUR PARTNER ALICIA WILL COST $2,440 US DOLLARS,SO THE TOTAL MONEY WILL COST...$4,690 US DOLLARS.I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ME BETTER OK.NOW YOU CAN SEND IT TRUE WESTERN UNION OK AND SEND THE INFORMATION TO ME ,SO THAT I WILL START THE WORK IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D

---------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Mr. Ashman,

$4,690 US Dollars? I had no idea!!!!!!

That is a lot of money.

So far your services have been good, but if I am to pay that much, I will need the Certificate of Virginity as you originally priced out for me.

I am going to set up the account with Western Union, but I WILL NOT SEND YOU A SINGLE AMERICAN WET DOLLAR until you show me a photo or a scan of the Virginity Certificate. I don't care if a doctor or the Rev. signs a piece of paper, but I need something that is scanned or a photo NOT AN E-MAIL.

If you cannot do this, then there is NO TRUST.

Juan

I AM VERY UPSET.

-----------------------------------

{Assman tries to squeeze a drop out of Juan.}

From Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR

HELLO JUAN
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REQUEST IS BECAUSE I AM A BUSY MAN OK. WHAT YOU WILL DO KNOW IS TO SEND $200 US DOLLAR SO THAT BUY TOMORROW I WILL MAKE OUT TIME TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR VIRGINAL TEST OK.I WILL CALL THE REV.TO REALIZE HER FOR ME OK. AS YOU CAN SEE IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR I TO USE MY MONEY FOR THE TEST OF YOUR PARTNER, OR YOU SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR PARTNER .IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME AS YOU SAID OK.I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVICE AS YOU CAN OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE

-----------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Reply

I may be gay.
I may be deaf.
But I am NOT stupid.

Everyone knows that first the virginity test is given and THEN payment is made. I will include the $200 with the rest of the payment.

If you wish, I will break the payments down into two separate payments so that it is easier to make the transaction, but I will not pay any money until I get a photo or a scan of the virginity test.

I am very tired of all this. You are not helping me and your are not helping yourself.

Get me a scan or a photo of the test and then you will get your monies via Western Union.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE ASSMAN. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY.

JUAN

-------------------------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, Juan continues his relationship with Alicia.}

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:09 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello my love,

Do you think it strange that I still love you even though I am a deaf, gay man? Over these past few weeks, I have grown to love you more and more.

I am working out the details with the lawyer. He is setting me up with Western Union to send the money.

You are going to fly out of the country First class on Air France. I hope they can get the paper work together quickly.

I will see you in my dreams,

Juan

------------------------------------------------

from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.


Hello My Dream Heart
i am always see you in my dreams,Honey thanks for your mail and also sorry for my late reply Honey i am happy for you,i will like to hear a good news from you tomorrow that you have settle everything with the lawyer and ask me to be ready for traveling ok.
Honey i don't think you will ever love me the way i always dream of you,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.bye my love.
Alicia

----------------------------------------------------
{An original poem from Juan. Can anyone guess where it is from?}

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 4:06 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

I have written you an original poem, straight from my heart. I hope you like it:

You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on

Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be

But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else
Can't you feel it burnin'
On-and-on

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia

Oh, Alicia

But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie
You'll stay

{Instrumental}

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on

Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on

Hold on
Oh, Alicia

------------------------------------------------
{Oh no! Alicia has found out about my demand for the virginity test!}

from Alicia Camara
reply-to alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.

Hello Honey
thanks for your mail.
our Rev.ask me this morning to go for virginity text with the lawyer,they have finish with the text but they did not tell me any thing about it.i want to know if you are away of this text.
i am some how con fuss,Honey please i want you to tell me your mind open about me .i don't know if you want to help me transfer my late father fund to USA or not, this money is my life.since ever i fund you i build all my trust on you, everyday you promise that you will settle with the lawyer .if you don't Lilly want to help me out of this condition open up and tell me so that i know what to do.upon you know my condition here you never any day said my love take this for your soap and cream as for me i trust my self,when ever the fund transferred to your account you will first take all your expenses and your percentage and your will still invest with the lest of the fund ok.please honey if you love me settle the lawyer so that i will come over ok.i will stop here till i hear from you.
with love
Alicia
--------------------------------------------------

from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:23 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.

I will not respond to you again unless you take the test.

Take the virgingity test now! The Rev can give you the test. Have the barrister return the scan or a photo of the results to me.

Take the test.

Why are you scared? Have you been with a brown cow or a brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow.

Take the test and have the barrister return the results to me by photo or scan.

Otherwise, no money.

NO MONEY!

NO MONEY!

I love you with all my heart!

Juan

------------------------------------
{I decided to set up a sting to find out where Assman was coming from. I posted a fake page on my site about the Western Union transaction. I e-mailed him the link and he took the bait.}

from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Here is the link to the question and the answer for the Wester Union money.

http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/07/question-and-answer-for-western-union.html

Let me know if you are able to read it.

Juan

{Here's where the IP address was coming from.}

--------------------------------------------------------------
{Well, Assman and Alicia are done. Juan's deaf, gay heart is broken. I send him/them a final letter.}


from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 11:07 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR

Thanks for the fun my friend!

Good luck with trying to get money from other people.

Just remember that then next person you e-mail will probably be me.

Tell "Alicia" I said hi!

Thanks!

HolyJuan

{As a final act of love, Assman added me to his FeedBurner, so I hope and pray he's reading this right now!}


3-Word Commentary on dustbury.com

Check out Charles' "3-Word Commentary" on his site www.dustbury.com. It's in the left column. As he explains:

"It's obviously a derivative of the linkblogs run by lots of sites on the sidebar, but this is the only one that dares (or is foolish enough) to boil it down to three little words."

Eventually they roll off the front page and accumulate here:

http://www.dustbury.com/3wcs.html

I thought it was clever and they gave me a chuckle.

Ohio BMV to allow emoticons on license plates

COLUMBUS, OH- The Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles is allowing Ohio motorists to communicate their feelings on their license plates through something you might have seen on the internet or in your e-mail. Marcy Lance, OBMV spokesperson explains, “They’re called emoticons and drivers are going to love them!”

Emoticons are punctuation and letters that when lined up in a certain pattern, can resemble facial expressions. A colon and right parenthesis can make a smiley face :) while a semi-colon and a right parenthesis makes a winking smiling face ;).

Lance calculates that, “…with the addition of sixteen characters, we can add 23,493,332 different license plates to the system. This could bring in an additional $1.5 million per year to the BMV.”

Ohio State Highway Patrol Sergeant Brian Beekey is not as thrilled. “It is very difficult to relay a colon or a semi colon back to HQ. When I am running a plate, I need to know what the letters and numbers are without saying, ‘smiley face’ or ‘disappointed.’ I can't tell the difference between 'flirt' and 'bored!'"

Cheri Bascone, personalized plate owner, was also unhappy, “I waited eighteen years to get the ‘JESUS’ license plate and tomorrow someone will be able to get a ‘JESUS:-P’ tongue sticking out plate? That just ain’t Christian.”


There will be some restrictions to the emoticons. “We will only allow positive expressions,” stressed Marcy Lance. “Sadness, shocked or crying emoticons will not be allowed. We are still up in the air about using asterisks."

Which character does not belong with the others?

Greg and I were playing Garbage Masher on the starwars.com website when this quiz question came up:


And of course the answer was obvious:

The Secret Meaning of Road Signs

You've seen these road/traffic signs, but do you know what they really mean?


Short Cut
Many of us know this as “No Through Trucks,” but it really means “This is a short-cut to somewhere else.” Truckers know the quickest routes from point A to point B and neighborhoods get mad when trucks short-cut through their streets. The neighbors will clamor for the city to erect signs that politely ask the trucks not to come through, but at the same time give everyone else a clear marking for a short-cut. Thanks, suckers!



Crash Into Me
This is a directional warning sign. It tells you that there is imminent danger on one side of the sign and safety on the other. But which side is which? The safe side is the one where the black and yellow stripes point down. (In this case, the safe side is the left side. I think.) By the time you do the visual math in your head it is going to be too late. It’s best to play it safe and ram you car straight into the sign. Sure, your car is totaled, but it beats falling off a cliff. There is also no guarantee that the road worker dude installed the sign correctly. Until they start putting arrows on these signs, play it safe and ram it.



Snakes Following Your Car
This one is obvious, but I had to include it.



Left Hand Turn with Attitude
A U-turn is just an extended left hand turn. If you take the same precautions with a U-turn as a left hand turn, plus the additional lookout for traffic turning into you, U-turns should not be outlawed. In Ohio they are illegal, but only when you get caught. I would suggest the you explain to the officer pulling you over that you were making a left hand turn and got carried away. Ohio cops are pretty jovial.



Deer Jumping Over Your Car
My problem with this sign is that it fools you into thinking that the deer is jumping over the road and harmlessly over your car. I can see why any average driver would think that with the scale of this sign. Let’s take the car from the “Snakes Following Your Car” sign and put it on the “Deer Jumping Over Your Car” sign.

See! Right over the top. They need to make the sign with the deer standing in the middle of the road, staring dumbly straight at you, which is exactly what you see right before you hit a deer.



Please, Please, Please Go This Slow
If you see a yellow speed limit sign, it is just a speed suggestion. Some worry wart at the Division of Transportation will sleep soundly tonight, knowing that his road will be suggestively safer due to his request that you please go slower. I suggest going the posted speed limit and as you lose control of your car, aim for the little yellow sign.



Please Let Me In / Get Out of My Way
Yield is the only sign that has two completely different meanings depending on what angle you are looking at it from. If I am the one yielding, it means that I need to speed up to engage the traffic and slip into the stream of cars that will kindly allow me to merge into the happy community of commuters. On the other hand, if you are yielding to me, this sign means that you need to come to a complete stop to gain entry into MY lane. You are my bitch. Get behind me. Don’t try to speed up and sneak in because I can LEGALLY run you off the road.



Don’t Be Polite
This looks like a normal four-way stop sign. It is actually the lurking place of people who think they are being nice. If you are the first one at a four-way stop sign, you get to go through the intersection first. If two people show up at the exact same time, the person to the right of you goes first (and you might be the person on the right so get moving.) If four people show up at the same time, it's every man for himself. But sometimes, you’ll be the second one to an intersection, and Mr. Nice Guy will want to let you go first. If you think you are being a good neighbor by letting someone go in front of you, you are mucking up the whole system. STOP IT. These “do-gooders” are just asking for an accident, waving their hand and smiling. Your job is to sit and wait for them to comply with the rules of the four way stop. Soon, they will begin to frown and wave their hand frantically. Finally, in disgust, they will peel out and shake their fist as they go by. I hate do-gooders.



You Are Lost
If you see this sign, you are lost. Immediately turn around and consult your iPhone directions. Again.

Tips for Meeting Your Future Self

At some point, time travel will be invented and your future self will come back to warn you about something. Be prepared by following these tips.

1. Have a secret question

Be wary of evil future selves or clones. If it is actually your future self, they will know the answer to the secret question; something only you would know. Like where you masturbated for the first time (in a bedroom closet.) Don’t make up a secret word (this can be figured out with future technology and “ditto” has been taken.) If your future self doesn’t remember the secret question, kill them with the really sharp knife in your boot.

2. Always carry a sharp knife in your boot.
See #1

3. Immediately ask for the winner of the 20XX Super Bowl.
Time travel will not be cheap and the only way you are going to make enough money to travel back in time is to make a shit load of money betting on sports. That will only happen if you know the actual results of the future games. Your future self will know this and they will have a prepared list of sporting events from the future (their past.) If your future self gives you some bullshit excuse like that it is against the “Laws of Time Travel” or that they are coming back in time to keep you from winning all that money and becoming a rich prick, kill them and analyze their blood to siphon off some futuristic antibiotic or cure-all medicines.

4. Cross your arms and give your future self a disapproving look.
It worked for my friend Erik.


5. Kill your future self

Your future self is nothing but trouble. They’re all full of “doom and gloom” and “don’t do this” and “don’t eradicate that race of peoples.” As soon as your future self answers the secret question, get the future sports questions from them and then kill them with the gun in your other boot (they will know that you keep a knife in your boot and have some sort of futuristic knife protection on.) Collect their blood for testing and then dispose of the body.

6. Always carry a gun in your boot, but forget about it so your future self won’t know you have it.
(See #5.)

7. Get a shit load of insurance on yourself.
Once your future self arrives and before you kill them with the boot gun that you have forgotten about, have them over to your crappy apartment/house and while they are asleep, get a whole lot of insurance out on yourself. Get an ungodly amount of coverage and name yourself as the beneficiary (most insurance companies will completely go for this as they will think it is impossible for you to collect on your own death.) Go back and complete step #5 (except for the dispose of the body) and collect the money for your own death. And don’t let the insurance company claim that it was suicide because you killed yourself.

8. On second thought, kill your future self immediately
Your future self is older and cannot get the level of chick/guy you are dating/married to. In their future, they are having sex with an older, uglier, fatter version of your current lover. They will feel inclined to have sex with your current significant lover because banging your lover in the past is not cheating. Kill them before they have a chance to kill you and get their hands on your younger, hotter, less fat suitor. Use the grenade you have in your back pocket that you must forget about because you can’t seem to forget the gun and the knife and your future self is wearing a bullet proof vest with futuristic knife proof clothing.

9. (I was kidding about the grenade… make it a crossbow)
See #8. Your future self will plan for the grenade and you can surprise them with the crossbow. REALLY...FORGET ABOUT THE CROSSBOW NOW to trick your future self!

10. Plan ahead
The fact that your future self does appear means that at some time in your future you will travel back in time. BE PREPARED! Wear knife proof clothing (available in the future) and a bullet proof vest as well as a nano grenade shield. Take condoms so you can bang your past lover when they were younger and hotter and thinner. Ensure that you send a clone first to make sure your past self is not going to kill you. Before you travel back in time, ingest a boat load of gingko biloba so that if you do die, people in the past will analyze your blood and think it is a cure-all. Write down the past ten years of Super Bowl scores and then change them to fuck with your past self. Lastly, remember that your past self has some kind of medieval weapon strapped to his/her back… I can’t remember which one for some reason, but be prepared for anything.

Ask 'olyJuan: Redundant job

Dear HolyJuan,

My job has just been made redundant, and I need to avoid being offered a new one internally for the next month (at which point they will be forced to pay me out).

Do you have any suggestions for applications and interviews?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment



Dear Desperately Avoiding Employment,

Holy fucking Rosetta Stone! What exactly are you trying to ask? I can barely make it out through the accent. From your e-mail address, I can tell you are from Australia. I went to the Yahoo Babble Fish translation page and tried to get your letter translated from Australian to American, but I couldn’t find the correct settings.

So I did the next closest language which was, of course, Dutch and here is the translation I got:

Dear HolyJuan,

My job has just leg maggot redundant, and I need to avoid being offered a new one internally for the next month (ate which point they will be forced to pay me out).

Do you property any suggestions for applications and interview?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment


This was still confusing, which made me realize that Australia was originally one giant walled prison where horrible, awful humans were kept. Everyone knows the worst people in the world are German so I translated from German into American:

Dear HolyJuan,

My job has just put maggot redundantly, and I need tons avoid being off-talk, A of new one internally for the NEXT month (which POINT ate they wants fuel element forced tons pay ME out).

DO you property any suggestions for applications and interview?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoiding Employment


I made a mathematical assessment of the grammar and realized this needed one final translation: cockney.

Dear 'olyJuan,

Me Uncle Bob there are just put maggot redundantly, and I need tons avoid bein' off-talk, to of new one internally for the NEXT monff (wich POINT ties they wants fuel element forced tons pay ME out).

For DO yer property any suggestions applications and interview, then, guv?

Sincerely,
Desperately Avoidin' Employment


My reply:

Dear Desperately Avoidin' Employment,

I’d suggest you suck it up for the next month, do your assigned work and punch the clock at the end of the day like every other God-fearing Australian.

And go see a doctor about the maggots. That’s just gross.

Love,

‘olyJuan

Insight Communications Deceptive Envelope

My friend Keegan shared with me a few weeks ago about a deceptive envelope he received from Insight Communications on the same day he received a letter from the IRS concerning his Economic Stimulus Payment.

Here are the letters side by side:

Which is which?

Here is the Insight Communications letter with call outs:

Real "detach along perforation" strips, too! I hope that cost them extra.

When the Insight Communications letter was opened, it revealed some bullshit advertisement for saving $575 on a bundled cable/internet/phone package.

Though no old ladies are going to get scammed from this advertisement, I am against anything that is so obviously misleading. There was an obvious attempt to make consumers think that this envelope contained IRS information and it's unfortunate that they would think that any consumer would be dumb enough to be fooled once the letter was un-perforated along the edges and opened.

Keegan, though, was not so fortunate and signed up for the cable deal, thinking that it was required to receive his stimulus check. He now has HBO, HBO1, HBO2, HBO beta and HBOh Shit.

Just when you thought you would never meet that perfect someone


CLICK TO ENLARGE

I saw these two folks at Comfest 2008 in Columbus, OH. I'm all about personal freedoms, but damn... that's just gross.

Forehead Spider Tattoo

In the springtime at OU, it was very easy to spend hours in the doorway that led to Dominic, John and Chris’ apartment above Mountain Leather. Sunday afternoons were especially good as many locals would roam the downtown sidewalks and the echoes of my hangover would sweat out and down the back of my shirt. There were several doorways and stoops going up and down the street. You could nestle back in one and watch the flesh go by for hours.

On this particular afternoon, there were several of us loitering on the sidewalk as we spilled out from the doorway. We formed a human speed bump and people had to slow down as they navigated around us.

I was reminiscing with Dominic when I noticed two dudes sauntering down the sidewalk with their shirts off. They had various tattoos and spiky piercings on them. Kids.

The walked around us and continued on their way. I turned and watched them head down the street. When they were out of earshot, Dominic leaned in and whispered, “Did you see this guy with the spider tattoo on his forehead?” I guess I spent too much time checking out their other arm and body tats to notice a spider on whichever’s forehead. I waited until they were out of earshot before starting my tirade.

“Who the hell gets a tattoo of a spider on their forehead?!”

Dominic immediately gave me the wide eyes and whispered “Shhhhhh!”

The dudes were more that half a block away and there was no way I was going to be heard by them so I continued.

“How’s that going to work out in a job interview! Idiot! Which one was it?”

Dominic grabbed me by the shoulders and whispered, “Doug! Shut up!”

Dominic has a soft heart for others and I could understand why he might want me to keep it down, but come on!

That, of course, is when I noticed the guy sitting 10 feet from us in the door stoop next to John’s. He was disheveled. He had crazy eyes. He had a spider tattoo on his forehead.

He also looked very self conscious. If not embarrassed.

I said over my shoulder in the direction of the spider tattoo guy, “But you know what? That takes fucking balls. You’ve got to be a bad mother fucker to get a tattoo on your forehead. Nobody’s going to mess with you!”

And then I ran off like a little girl through the open door and straight up the stairs to their apartment.

I’ve got to feel bad for the dude because it takes some heavy shit falling on your shoulders to get a tattoo on your forehead. Nothing says “I’m fucked up,” more than that. I know there are people out there who get certain tattoos just to have a permanent visible middle finger up to the world. This guy, in the five seconds I looked at him, seemed different. Like he’d been in a Russian prison or a mental facility where the arts and crafts counselor accidentally scheduled painting and needlepoint during the same day of the week.

Or just maybe that dude was just a bad-ass motherfucker and he feels sorry for me.