Farm Machinery Warning Labels: Part 1

Be sure to check out Farm Machinery Warning Labels: Part 2.

Right Between the Legs

Right between the legs, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

What started out as a hair-pulling, bout of shyness, turned into a heart warming, half-hour of son induced inspiration.

We arrived at Greg's soccer practice and the kids were paired up to kick the ball back and forth. Greg refused and mentally wrapped himself around my leg.

I did not beg nor did I bribe, as Miss Sally has taught me the way. I did almost lose it, but in the end I somehow got him to start interacting with the other kids.

And then he did great. This photo is of Greg kicking the ball between the legs of the coach's assistant.

I am a proud papa.

Now, let's see what happens at tomorrow's practice.

Monks Disguise Themselves as Chinese Soldiers

This photo clearly shows the cleverness of the Tibetan Monks right after they disguised themselves as Chinese soldiers and infiltrated the Army's ranks. Note the two monks disguised as a cart and the skinny one disguised as a bike.


Photo via Phayul.com

Bush's Desk Calendar - January 2009

(click to enlarge)

Blogger Choice Awards

It is such an honor to be nominated for these three awards! Vote early and often!! If only there was some way to thank the person that nominated me!

Bat Boy Erik

Greg and Dad: Stanley wonders

New Prescription Self-Serve Dispenser

Very Cute

Holy crap, that girl is cute. She's also an obnoxious bear... but cute.

25 Phrases Men Hate To Hear from a Woman

It’s yours.

It’s not yours.

Whose underwear are these?

My eyes are up here.

You are holding the ruler backwards.

I’m not exactly 18.

My husband is home!

You brother is better.

Your sister is better.

These stitches aren’t from an appendix removal.

Can we talk for a minute?

When did you get in last night?

When did you get in this morning?

Why do you smell like cotton candy and have glitter all over you?

I threw that old thing out.

Where are your pants?

Does this make me look _______ ?

You left the seat up.

Can I come out with you and the guys?

Is that porn?

Can I have the other credit card?

My brother needs a place to stay for a while.

What lab results are these?

Why do you have condoms when I am on the pill?

Where are you?

Irection Cab- I could ride this all day long!

The "d" is so hard to read that this does look like an "irection" cab.

REAL College Essentials

Screw the laptop and mini-fridge. Here are the real essentials that every college student should own.

Shampoo Bottle Pee Detector
This device is embedded in your shampoo and/or conditioner cap and beeps to let you know when someone has peed in your shampoo bottle. It happens more than you think and your shiny locks aren’t always because of rinsing and repeating.

Condom Gum Wrappers
These innocent pieces of gum come in packaging that look like condom wrappers. If you are not getting any, you can leave them laying around and act like you are. If you parents are visiting and find real condom wrappers, you can say they are gum.

Marijuana/Daisy Hybrid Plants
Grow weed without getting caught. Give your boyfriend/girlfriend a gift that keeps on giving. Comes with Baby’s Breath rolling papers.

Stall Saver
A necessity for the dorms. Fake boots and pant legs that sit in the bathroom stall so you can save a spot for yourself for the cafeteria food induced ass explosion. After lunch, just walk by those suckers waiting in line.

"Walk-of-Shame" Survival Kit
Kit includes: change of clothes, sunglasses, aspirin, map of campus and fake phone number. (See Sorority Girl Initiation Kit for pregnancy tests.)

Practice Sheep Genitalia
Great for hopeful Fraternity rushees. Don’t look foolish when confronted with a sheep for the first time during rush week. Use these ultra realistic sheep parts to work on your grip and trust technique.

Cumstain Sheets
These sheets make dorm sleeping tranquil. 300 thread count, Egyptian sheets are pre-printed with cumstains to ward off agile roommates looking to hook up in every nook and cranny of the dorm room.

Sorority Girl Initiation Kit
Comes with "Freshman 15" weight scale that automatically tacks on fifteen pounds, 'Idiot's Guide to Bulimia' handbook with extra long tongue depressor and twelve pack pregnancy tests.

Swedish Fish 100 Calorie Packs – DON’T BE FOOLED!

I am a connoisseur of Swedish Fish. I love them and they love me. I eat them and they melt in my mouth and swim in my belly. The only problem with them is that they come in eight ounce, single serving packs. The bag might suggest that there are five servings inside, but once the bag is opened, it is too hard to avoid the red, succulent sweetness inside and soon the pack is empty.

While browsing the candy isle at the grocery store for road trip snacks, I found the solution to my calorie engorging issue… Swedish Fish 100 Calorie Packs. Five one-hundred calorie packs per box! I could eat the sweet fish with a measure of control! I was delighted.


Next day, during our seven hour trip to North Carolina, I cracked open a 100 calorie packet of Swedish Fish. The pack shone in the sun and light flickered off the words on the package, “Smaller Pieces, Same Big Flavor.” Into my hand poured several smaller, but tasty looking fish. I popped them in my mouth…

Something was wrong. They were not the same. They were slightly gritty. They were not as gummy. They tasted… off. Tears slipped from my eyes and I blamed the glare off the road.

Here is a photo of the smaller fish with a normal sized fish:


You can tell from the photo that the larger fish is less opaque. The smaller fish is foggy.

Here’s a section view:


The ingredients on both packs are the same. I think the problem is with scale (fish scale?) The fish are smaller, but the skin thickness is the same if not thicker! There is less gummy in the middle. It’s just not the same.

Stay away from the 100 calorie snack packs. For 100 calories, eat about 5 of the larger fishes.

I see you found the vacuum

Sydney

I met Sydney this weekend on our trip to North Carolina. I think I captured her personality in this photo.

Gay Erik?

How can my hair make someone else look so completely gay?

Jesus exits the tomb

German Wikipedia

Check out the last link on this Danny Elfman German Wikipedia page. And no, you don't need to know German or Nazi secret language, though it helps to hate Norwegians.

http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Elfman

You know you've hit it big when you make it as a reference on Wikipedia!

K.roger

What a real Psychic Fair advertisment should look like

There is a Psychic Fair in town and signs popped up on every exit and street corner with dates, a phone number and a location. I say BULLSHIT! This is what a real Psychic Fair sign should look like.

Erik Eats: Salt Peach Slice - Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence

This week’s selection for Erik Eats seems to be a very natural, if not organic, one.


At first I thought this was dried fish, which also hang on the rack by the register, but fortunately, a small sticker on the front of the pack read “Salt Peach Slice.”


And I love a peach. And I love the salt. And my favorite cut is the slice. A win win win situation!

Usually I spend hours thinking of the title for the Erik Eats segments. The combination of the words is not a simple five second random flip through the dictionary. Careful planning goes into every word for maximum Engish potential. But this week, the title came right off the package, “Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence.”


I’m not sure what that translates into Chinese, but I bet any boy trying to get to third base drops that line. And then he gets himself a little snack of the salted peach!!

Now before we get into the Limitless Magnificence that is the salt peach, let’s take a look at the packaging. There seem to be a lot of words on here. Probably because this is some kind of fresh fruit peach product and it is inspected nine times before it is hand dipped in lead and sent to the states. What’s this in the bottom left hand corner?


!! Tell me if I’m mistaken, but is that a man pulling a deer from that bull’s ass? Oh my God, one of the deer legs has broken off in the bull’s sphincter!! Dear lord! Oh Christ put it down! Just kill it!

All right, with the dead, fecal coated, fetal deer out of the way, let’s move on to the seal of freshness.


Two seals of freshness!! Wow. Double fresh salt peach. This is going to be DELICIOUS!!

Erik cannot stop staring at the recently still born, poop covered deer on the packaging.


Let’s move on without him. We'll flip this package over and see if there are any special instructions:


Whoa… I don’t like this…


A red phone with a number also in red? Usually a red phone gets Batman on the horn. Or launches nukes. Or contacts Poison Control. But I’m sure this is the Salt Peach quality control line. If we find anything wrong with the low level of PCBs, we can call and get more to sprinkle on top.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to enjoy these Salt Peach?” or “In what manner shall the consumption of Salt Peach take place?” Well, I can’t help you with those two questions, but if your question was, “Using Method?” I’d say:


Use directly, my friend. Use directly. Below that you’ll also notice the suggestion of, “Keeping in cool…” I think we all can live with that prospect. I believe that Obama will start using that in his campaign.

Now, to the area we’ve completely avoided… the ingredients. I assume that Salt Peach Slice has two ingredients: Salt Peach and Slice. Or maybe Peach Slice and salt. A quick look at the ingredients reveals:


Fresh Carambola? Obviously that MUST mean peaches in Chinese because I would HATE to think that I got screwed over buying this product clearly marked “Salt Peach Slice.” So therefore I’m going to put this out of my head and continue the ingredients. Sugar – good. Salt – they got that one spot on. AH HA! What’s this little bit they tried to sneak in and cover with the “MADE IN CHINA” sticker? Liquor? Erik’s gonna have a tasty peach snack and a buzz it seems. Let’s scratch off the industrial strength adhesive that holds on this sticker and see what lies beneath.


Crap. Let’s peel back some more and maybe there will be heroin.


Nope. Oh well. College try and all!

Now, this Fresh Carambola has got my curiosity up in a tizzy. So I went to the local library, found the encyclopedias, found the one marked “C”, and looked up “Carambola.” The passage said, “carambola – see Wikipedia.” So I came back to the office and looked it up on the internet expecting to see a lovely peach and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!


Star fruit? You tried to pass off second rate star fruit as peach? Here’s a peach in its natural environment:


Surrounded in thick syrup, that’s how Americans eat their peaches. It’s this kind of trickery that got us tangled up in WW2 my friends!! Don’t pull this shit on me. I’d call the number on the package to complain, but I am afraid of launching nukes.

So finally, here is Erik opening the package:


And a tentative sniff:


And the reveal:


So, here’s what one of these NON-PEACH star fruit look like close up.


Inspecting the fruit that of which is not peach:


The taste and chew sequence:




Bleh… no real flavor to speak of. Bland. Un peach.

Here is Steph for the second opinion:


Blech... right in the trash.

Overall, I feel cheated. I loved you Salt Peach! I will find you! Someday, Erik and you will be together!!

Next week: Deer Hoof of Bull's Loin

Congratulations Karen and Chris!!

Congratulations go out to Karen and Chris on the birth of their third child, Colin Michael. Anymore, when someone begins to relate a birth story, I quickly pull out several small pieces of scotch tape and adhere my eyeballs in the down position to keep them from rolling back in my head. Everyone’s got a birth story that can be summed up in four sentences, but most drag it out to Aeneid proportions.

Fortunately, Chris is a man a very few words and Karen is the model of efficiency. Here is their birth story in his words:
• Karen's water breaks at 2am in the morning
• Arrive at birth center at 3am
• 1 hour and 4 heavy pushes later, Colin Michael is born at 4:04am
• Home for breakfast and introductions to his brothers at 7:30am

That’s right folks… from water breaking back to home: Five and one half hours. I guess the hospital makes you wait for a minimum of two hours and they ensure that the baby is feeding.

But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about this photo:


You tell me, who looks worse for the wear? I guess Chris was a bit inconvenienced being woken up so early in the morning so I can understand why he looks like shit. Karen, though she would never believe me, looks stunning.

Crap

I am just now getting over the flu. I’ve never had the flu and I picked a really poor time to have a first go at it. It started around noon on Wednesday. I had the full fever and chills by midnight. I was slightly delirious up though Saturday afternoon when I thought I was getting better, but I was only fooling myself. Saturday night I had the fever again and that ran through Sunday. I went to work today because you cannot get rid of the flu until you give it to someone else. It’s now Monday evening, St. Patrick’s Day, and I am playing the part of the good boy and staying at home to cap this off. It was poor timing because I missed Meshell’s birthday at Skully’s on Thursday, basketball tournaments on Friday, the Saturday night birthday celebration and St. Patrick’s Day all in one fell swoop. Crap.

Misunderstood Bible Verses: #1

Greg and Dad: T-Rex is Angry

The next False Idol is...

All right people! Calm down! I know it's Easter, but don't get your baskets all interwoven... I was just commenting on two things:
1. If Jesus were persecuted today, don't you think we would do it in an American Idol/reality show type format?
2. I thought the Simon thing was clever... unless you don't know the fifth station of the cross. Then it's probably not funny at all.

Parental Myths That No Parent Will Tell You About

Here are a few items that every parent, pre-parent or misguided parent should know. Sorry Mom and Dad.

Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also seem to like the child that physically resembles them the most. I’m not saying there is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” choice made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted with natural brothers and sisters, you are screwed.

Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you may think that it is simply to see if the child is awake. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.

Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Sadly that's wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out four times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none because you can split them into two teams and pit them against each other. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.

Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Wrong. Sugar does make your kid hyper and I don’t care what scientific studies say as I have seen the effects. Not only does it make them hyper during and after consumption, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy within a five mile radius, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know how to eat and how to crap, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny them, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.

My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as not-smart as the rest. They may be advanced in some area, but that's the only area the parent will focus on that one ability. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily dose of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age three, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age three, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.

Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.

Greg and Dad: Trip to Pluto

Someone at the NEA has their head on straight

Here is part of an article on Earthquakes from the National Environmental Agency.



I was going to say, "Stupid, like living in an earthquake zone," but that would be ignorant.

Thanks to Rach at symin.blogspot.com/.

Yahoo Feed 2

If you have a feed to Yahoo and received THIS message, leave a comment please.

Thanks,

HJ

Yahoo Feed

If you have a Yahoo feed to holyjuan.com, can you please leave me a message that this feed reached you?

Thanks,

HJ

"Ask HolyJuan" over the phone! – 614-429-4365

Google has a new phone messaging service in beta called http://www.grandcentral.com/ that I signed up for and I’m hoping you can help me test it out. Call me, HolyJuan, at 614-429-4365 and leave an Ask HolyJuan question. It’s easy to remember because the number also spells 614-GAY-IDOL.

It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.

When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.

So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.

Thanks,

HJ

Swanson's TV Dinner for the Single Man on March 14th

Photo Credits:
Swanson Dinner Ad: http://flickr.com/photos/robotbastard/70702036/
Pie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Hayford_Peirce
Mouth: Jill Kelly Love Doll http://www.adulttoyreviews.com/dolls/jill.html

Twins?

People seemed to think that Erik and I dressed alike on Wednesday.


What do you think?

The “?!” and “!?” Matched Pairs Conundrum

I’m sure you know the uses of the question mark and exclamation point:

“Fuck me?”
“Fuck you!”

But what happens when you pair them? When should you pair them?

What happens when you pair “!” with “?”
The first thing that happens when you pair these two punctuation marks together is that your reader assumes your vocabulary is too limited to correctly transverbulate your feelings and that you need to fall back on punctuation to express your true thoughts.

The second thing that happens is that the reader will think that perhaps they are the idiot, that they missed something in the sentence, and they will go back and re-read your poorly written sentence only to find they were correct about the writer’s lack of transverbulation in the first place.

Lastly, your reader will attempt to figure out why your sentence ends with “?!” or “!?” and why you decided to use the combination you did. Which is why we’ll move on to the next bit…

When should you pair them?
When deciding between either “?!” and “!?” the first step is to not get mixed up with the chess playing punctuation definitions. Believe it or not, chess players utilize punctuation marks to express how devious or stupid moves are in a game. Wipe this shit out of your head because anyone who has time to punctuate chess moves obviously doesn’t have the time to read this kind of article. We don’t want to get mixed up with that element. Here are the definitions you should be concerned with:

“?!” – Loud question
Otherwise known as the ‘WTF?!”, this punctuation is necessary to harshly question someone else’s actions or previous statement with the expectation of an answer back. Some good examples are:
“Is that a herpes sore?!”
“When were you going to tell me you were married?!”
“How did you manage to spend $4,300 on your trip to Washington, DC?!”

“!?” – No Fucking Way
This is a strong disbelief in someone’s action or statement without the expectation of an answer:
“Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!?”
“You call that a penis!?”
“Gas is at $4.00 a gallon!?”

See how a statement changes now that you know the definitions:
“You are gay?!”
“You are gay!?”

Or:
“You are a sophomore in high school?!”
“You are a sophomore in high school!?”

Florida City Passes Baggy Pants Law

Greg and Dad: Two Things