Farm Machinery Warning Labels: Part 1















Be sure to check out Farm Machinery Warning Labels: Part 2.

Right Between the Legs


Right between the legs, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

What started out as a hair-pulling, bout of shyness, turned into a heart warming, half-hour of son induced inspiration.

We arrived at Greg's soccer practice and the kids were paired up to kick the ball back and forth. Greg refused and mentally wrapped himself around my leg.

I did not beg nor did I bribe, as Miss Sally has taught me the way. I did almost lose it, but in the end I somehow got him to start interacting with the other kids.

And then he did great. This photo is of Greg kicking the ball between the legs of the coach's assistant.

I am a proud papa.

Now, let's see what happens at tomorrow's practice.

Monks Disguise Themselves as Chinese Soldiers

This photo clearly shows the cleverness of the Tibetan Monks right after they disguised themselves as Chinese soldiers and infiltrated the Army's ranks. Note the two monks disguised as a cart and the skinny one disguised as a bike.


Photo via Phayul.com

Bush's Desk Calendar - January 2009

(click to enlarge)

Blogger Choice Awards

It is such an honor to be nominated for these three awards! Vote early and often!! If only there was some way to thank the person that nominated me!
My site was nominated for Hottest Daddy Blogger!
My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Best Blog About Stuff!

Bat Boy Erik

Swedish Fish 100 Calorie Packs – DON’T BE FOOLED!

I am a connoisseur of Swedish Fish. I love them and they love me. I eat them and they melt in my mouth and swim in my belly. The only problem with them is that they come in eight ounce, single serving packs. The bag might suggest that there are five servings inside, but once the bag is opened, it is too hard to avoid the red, succulent sweetness inside and soon the pack is empty.

While browsing the candy isle at the grocery store for road trip snacks, I found the solution to my calorie engorging issue… Swedish Fish 100 Calorie Packs. Five one-hundred calorie packs per box! I could eat the sweet fish with a measure of control! I was delighted.


Next day, during our seven hour trip to North Carolina, I cracked open a 100 calorie packet of Swedish Fish. The pack shone in the sun and light flickered off the words on the package, “Smaller Pieces, Same Big Flavor.” Into my hand poured several smaller, but tasty looking fish. I popped them in my mouth…

Something was wrong. They were not the same. They were slightly gritty. They were not as gummy. They tasted… off. Tears slipped from my eyes and I blamed the glare off the road.

Here is a photo of the smaller fish with a normal sized fish:


You can tell from the photo that the larger fish is less opaque. The smaller fish is foggy.

Here’s a section view:


The ingredients on both packs are the same. I think the problem is with scale (fish scale?) The fish are smaller, but the skin thickness is the same if not thicker! There is less gummy in the middle. It’s just not the same.

Stay away from the 100 calorie snack packs. For 100 calories, eat about 5 of the larger fishes.

I see you found the vacuum

Sydney

I met Sydney this weekend on our trip to North Carolina. I think I captured her personality in this photo.

Gay Erik?

How can my hair make someone else look so completely gay?

German Wikipedia

Check out the last link on this Danny Elfman German Wikipedia page. And no, you don't need to know German or Nazi secret language, though it helps to hate Norwegians.

http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Elfman

You know you've hit it big when you make it as a reference on Wikipedia!

K.roger

What a real Psychic Fair advertisment should look like



There is a Psychic Fair in town and signs popped up on every exit and street corner with dates, a phone number and a location. I say BULLSHIT! This is what a real Psychic Fair sign should look like.

Erik Eats: Salt Peach Slice - Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence

This week’s selection for Erik Eats seems to be a very natural, if not organic, one.


At first I thought this was dried fish, which also hang on the rack by the register, but fortunately, a small sticker on the front of the pack read “Salt Peach Slice.”


And I love a peach. And I love the salt. And my favorite cut is the slice. A win win win situation!

Usually I spend hours thinking of the title for the Erik Eats segments. The combination of the words is not a simple five second random flip through the dictionary. Careful planning goes into every word for maximum Engish potential. But this week, the title came right off the package, “Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence.”


I’m not sure what that translates into Chinese, but I bet any boy trying to get to third base drops that line. And then he gets himself a little snack of the salted peach!!

Now before we get into the Limitless Magnificence that is the salt peach, let’s take a look at the packaging. There seem to be a lot of words on here. Probably because this is some kind of fresh fruit peach product and it is inspected nine times before it is hand dipped in lead and sent to the states. What’s this in the bottom left hand corner?


!! Tell me if I’m mistaken, but is that a man pulling a deer from that bull’s ass? Oh my God, one of the deer legs has broken off in the bull’s sphincter!! Dear lord! Oh Christ put it down! Just kill it!

All right, with the dead, fecal coated, fetal deer out of the way, let’s move on to the seal of freshness.


Two seals of freshness!! Wow. Double fresh salt peach. This is going to be DELICIOUS!!

Erik cannot stop staring at the recently still born, poop covered deer on the packaging.


Let’s move on without him. We'll flip this package over and see if there are any special instructions:


Whoa… I don’t like this…


A red phone with a number also in red? Usually a red phone gets Batman on the horn. Or launches nukes. Or contacts Poison Control. But I’m sure this is the Salt Peach quality control line. If we find anything wrong with the low level of PCBs, we can call and get more to sprinkle on top.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to enjoy these Salt Peach?” or “In what manner shall the consumption of Salt Peach take place?” Well, I can’t help you with those two questions, but if your question was, “Using Method?” I’d say:


Use directly, my friend. Use directly. Below that you’ll also notice the suggestion of, “Keeping in cool…” I think we all can live with that prospect. I believe that Obama will start using that in his campaign.

Now, to the area we’ve completely avoided… the ingredients. I assume that Salt Peach Slice has two ingredients: Salt Peach and Slice. Or maybe Peach Slice and salt. A quick look at the ingredients reveals:


Fresh Carambola? Obviously that MUST mean peaches in Chinese because I would HATE to think that I got screwed over buying this product clearly marked “Salt Peach Slice.” So therefore I’m going to put this out of my head and continue the ingredients. Sugar – good. Salt – they got that one spot on. AH HA! What’s this little bit they tried to sneak in and cover with the “MADE IN CHINA” sticker? Liquor? Erik’s gonna have a tasty peach snack and a buzz it seems. Let’s scratch off the industrial strength adhesive that holds on this sticker and see what lies beneath.


Crap. Let’s peel back some more and maybe there will be heroin.


Nope. Oh well. College try and all!

Now, this Fresh Carambola has got my curiosity up in a tizzy. So I went to the local library, found the encyclopedias, found the one marked “C”, and looked up “Carambola.” The passage said, “carambola – see Wikipedia.” So I came back to the office and looked it up on the internet expecting to see a lovely peach and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!


Star fruit? You tried to pass off second rate star fruit as peach? Here’s a peach in its natural environment:


Surrounded in thick syrup, that’s how Americans eat their peaches. It’s this kind of trickery that got us tangled up in WW2 my friends!! Don’t pull this shit on me. I’d call the number on the package to complain, but I am afraid of launching nukes.

So finally, here is Erik opening the package:


And a tentative sniff:


And the reveal:


So, here’s what one of these NON-PEACH star fruit look like close up.


Inspecting the fruit that of which is not peach:


The taste and chew sequence:




Bleh… no real flavor to speak of. Bland. Un peach.

Here is Steph for the second opinion:


Blech... right in the trash.

Overall, I feel cheated. I loved you Salt Peach! I will find you! Someday, Erik and you will be together!!

Next week: Deer Hoof of Bull's Loin