Chinese Job Fair

Chinese Job Fair, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

Here is a shot from a Chinese job fair from a few days ago.

Two of Every Kind


Once again, Greg came up with a great, off-season idea yesterday. He wanted to make lemonade. He seemed excited about the prospect so I told him that I would buy lemons at the store next time I was there.

I lied. I bought limes instead.

Erik and Becky came over last night with their kids and I had bought Corona. The store did not have individual limes, so I bought a whole bag because limeade is lemonade, but green.

Tonight, we cut two limes into quarters and squeezed them into a bowl. I added a teaspoon of Splenda, a few ounces of water and dumped the whole lot into a shaker filled with ice (great Christmas gift.)

Here is Greg's reaction:

Here is mine:

We added two more teaspoons of Splenda and re-mixed. It was delicious.

I own my ex-employer’s domain name. What should I do with it? (updated)

I got laid off a few weeks ago. Work was slow. The company has been going through some tough times. I was actually happy to leave.

A year or so ago, when I still had a job, I mentioned to my boss that our company should buy its “actual” domain name. The company is Allstate Installations, but their web site domain name is I suggested they buy because that is what anyone in their right mind would search for / type in the address bar when looking for our company. He thought that was a great idea and would think about it. I sent him reminder e-mails. I talked to him again in person. Nothing came of it.

So I bought it myself and politely forwarded the traffic to the company’s webpage.

Now they have laid me off and I’m wondering what I should do with the domain. Here are a few ideas with their associated scores. Please let me know if you have any better ideas.

Hand the domain over to my company
This is the right thing to do. It’s also the most boring.
Score: D

Forward to Goat/
Too easy. Too predictable. But disgustingly funny.
Score: C

Forward to a competitor's website
Allstate Installations has several competitors. This would be a real F-U to the old boss.
Score: B-

Forward to porn

Another obvious idea, but the real detail is in what porn site you choose.
Score: (site / score)
playboy(dot)com / D+
beastality(dot)com / A
hugeblackcocks(dot)com / B+
fistinglessons(dot)net / B
clownporn(dot)net/ A++

Forward to a photo site with photoshopped pictures of boss in compromising positions
This is a great idea, but the only photos I have of him are of him in compromising positions and most of those photos are copyrighted.
Score: C

Let the domain to expire and allow anyone reading this to buy it and do what they please
This is the only real democratic option.
Score: A

{Author's note: One I did not think of was "Sell it to anyone that will buy it." I have received a few bids. All for way more than the site is worth. Right now the bidding is at $950. Step right up!! Let's see what my soul is worth.
Score: $$}

{Author's note 2: As many of you have suggested, I am a douche. But not that kind of douche. I am in the process of transferring the domain over, free of charge. My old boss and co-workers received several e-mails from strangers warning of this post and my possible doucheness. I think that is pretty cool of them. I would hope someone would do the same for me.}

(Author's note 3: I attempted to transfer the website to my company. They wanted me to track down all the information and call their provider to set it up. I said I didn't have the time and to e-mail me when they had it figured out. They did not and I let the domain expire. Per their old website you can see that things did not end well. The partners split and not they run separate, competing companies.)

Jesus at the Chinese Buffet

Wu-Tang Clan Venn Diagram

Thanks Carpanza!


John picked me up last night to get a drink. Most the bars in Columbus would be closed for Thanksgiving, but Byrnes would not. It tends to draw in a crowd that are back from family and want a drink or those without family and need a drink. It was 9:00pm.

We pulled out of my allotment and turned to hit the main road. I called Josh to see if he wanted to join us. He didn’t answer so I began to leave him a message.

There are two gas stations on the corner of the main road and a woman was standing on the corner to our right. She was pretty and nicely dressed. The light was red so we got to watch what happened next.

I immediately thought the woman was out begging for money. I’d seen this tactic before, even from well dressed people that don’t fit the off ramp beggar stereotype. I mentioned this on my message to Josh in a kind of play by play. She walked back to a van that pulled up just behind in the lane next to us. It was the white, industrial van with lettering on the door advertising a fix-it business. The driver was on his cell phone. I thought she was going to knock on the window, but instead she opened the door of the van and hopped in. She must have been waiting for a ride.

The driver leaned over and punched her.

Or at least he tried. It was hard for him to lean all the way over and get a good blow in. She spun with her back to the door and blocked the second punch with her legs. She started to kick back. The driver now was blocking her kicks with both hands and trying to hit her back. He never dropped the cell phone. As all this escalated, I continued to describe it in the message. Even the name of the company and the phone number on the side of the van.

The light switched to green and we turned left. I could see the van rocking back and forth as it got smaller and smaller in the distance. I hung up the phone.

Josh called me back a few minutes later and said, “What the fuck was up with that message?” I said it was what it was… a play by play of a fight at a stop light. He said I sounded like the reporter at the Hindenburg catastrophe. I thought I had my shit together better than that.

We sat at the bar and drank pints of beer. We laughed and told stories and talked about a zombie movie script.

Later, John drove me home. We passed the corner where the woman had been waiting for her ride. There was nothing there to prove what we saw had ever happened.

PETA Plans for Protest of Python

I couldn’t believe it when I read this. Take a look at this news release from PETA -
Basically, here are the good parts:

Columbus, OH- In recognition of World Week for Feathered Friends, PETA members, joined by replica parrot hand puppets and waving signs that say, “Python: Stop Killing Parrots!” will protest the showing of Monty Python’s SPAMALOT at the Ohio Theatre in an effort to persuade people to cease laughing at Monty Python videos, movies and live theatre acts until the company stops abusing the likenesses of animals. This protest is part of PETA’s international campaign against the England-based comedy troupe and their continued use of parrots, cows and cats in their sketch comedy.

Date: Friday, November 23, 2007
Time: 7:30pm
Place: Ohio Theatre, 39 E. State St. Columbus, OH 43215

Alice Stales with the Columbus branch of PETA said, “By using Python in their name, we knew it was a tip off that this group would abuse animals.” She added, “When I saw that cow go flying over the castle wall, I just cried.”

Several PETA members are taking time off from their Black Thursday or “Thanksgiving” demonstrations to prepare for the protest. Mark Jakes of Nelsonville admitted to being a Monty Python fan for years until his girlfriend got him involved with PETA, “There was that one skit where they sell raw, dead albatross. It’s not that funny if you were the albatross or albatross flavored. The crunchy frog skit was funny but not when I found out why they were crunchy.”

Alice Stales also admitted to harboring ambivalent feelings towards pythons in general, being that they're animals, but ones who kill and eat other, cuter, animals. “We’re teaching snakes to eat soy shaped rabbits.”

Overcome by Emotion

Erik and Dave could not help themselves yesterday during the Ohio State win over Michigan. When the game was in the bag, they took the opportunity to let their overflow of emotions come to the surface in a physical show of their mutual love of football and each other.

Fix your virginity

If you lose your virginity and want to get it fixed, would you go to a cherry cobbler?

One Button Elevator?

Here is my doctor’s office elevator panel inside the elevator.

And here is my question: why should a building with only two floors have an elevator with two buttons? All you would need is one button that says, “Other Floor.”

I think I know why, but I’ll let you guess first.

What happens after you eat a whole box of Boo Berry?

The kid flew around the house for about twenty minutes. The wife said his arms would give out, but they never did. We finally got a broom and trapped him in a corner. He pooped blue for three days.

Spot the Difference - Pirates

Can you see the three differences between the two photos?

1. sword missing
2. bead not dangling in face
3. hair out of place

Angry Sheep

This sheep scares me. He lives at the Columbus Zoo and when we visit, I always take his photo so that I can show other people why he scares me. I'm not sure if his teeth are sticking out or if he's just got an evil grin. He's definitely pissed at something and I think it's me.

Fox News Suffers Due to Writers Strike

The writers’ strike in Hollywood has programs like “The Tonight Show” and “The Office” stuck in rerun limbo. The strike has also affected Fox News’ ability to get their word out. David Jeffers, Fox News Producer lamented, “Without the writers, it’s pretty hard to create a day to day, positive spin on the war and Bush administration. We hate the striking bastards, but we need their creative flair.”

The writers’ strike, now well in to its first week, has caused Fox to re-run old news and focus on the weather. “We could really use a hurricane about now.” After a moment he changed his mind, “Well, actually it took about forty-two writers to get us though the last hurricane debacle… how about an earthquake?”

A Production Assistant, who chose to remain nameless, claimed that he had to write a recent story about the surge progress. “I kinda just used some action words and dropped in a few ‘terrorisms’… it actually wasn’t that tough.” The Production Assistant is credited for the claim that Al Qaeda was completely out of Baghdad. “Yeah, I made that up, too. But it seems to have stuck.”

Fox seems to have struck gold with OJ Simpson back in court. Their twelve hours of coverage actually doubled the amount of time OJ was actually in court. Jeffers added, “We are working on a brief to have the case moved to Reno so that we can stretch out the proceedings.”

“The hardest part of the week was not being able to make the overturning of Bush’s veto into a liberal slam fest. I’m sure those clever asshole writers would have thought of something.”

When asked about Bush’s trip to see the wounded veterans, Jeffers sighed and admitted, “We paid Limbaugh for some of his writers’ material. Most of his stuff comes in from Canada and Puerto Rico.”

Jeffers had one positive note. “Luckily we’ve got Hillary and Ron Paul campaigning out there. Some of the stuff they say… you just can't make that shit up.”

The Official List of Nudie Bar Rules


2. All stripper perfume is allowed to initially smell like cotton candy or vanilla, but within five minutes of leaving the establishment, must transform to smell like church incense or library books.

3. Every private dance song will either be Alice’s Restaurant or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

4. Any garment that is not see through must be removed before the second song.

5. No dancing into the second trimester.

6. All stripper names must be named after cars. This will enable men to speak freely about their experiences and not get a beat down from the women folk.

7. No lactating. I mean it.

8. Before you leave the nudie bar, attendants will change back your ones for larger bills that are crisp with no folds or creases.

9. The following types of tattoos must be covered in lap dance proof makeup:
-other guys’ names
-Simpsons characters
-kids’ names
-any reference to Daddy
-“exit only”

10. No cesarean section scars over two feet long.

11. No piercings with sharp edges.

12. No biting. I know you might think that we think it is hot (it is), but it requires us have our buddies create larger, cover-up bruises and then excuses for the bruises.

13. All nipples should face forward between 15 degrees up and 35 degrees down. Any nipples facing more than 35 degrees down will be immediately fined $10 for every degree.

14. Any dance garment that is wider than 3” is completely illegal.

Can you believe this product?

Miss Shelly saw this in a magazine, thought of me and cut it out. Thanks…

A drop of this miracle liquid in the toilet bowl is reported supposed to cover up 98% of bathroom stank.

First off, I have never tried the product and won’t, so I cannot give you an honest opinion (the shit might just work.) If you want a review, Chris Rockwell over at did an in depth study of the product. He has a theory about floating poop.

Second, how do you come up with a percentage of bathroom stink and then rate it on a scale? Here’s what I think… what they did was load up the fattest guy in the manufacturing plant with cabbage and white castles, had him drink draught beer for a day, killed him in the bathroom, let him sit for a week and then let his bowels loose with a whaling harpoon. Three independent judges in the bathroom would consider that smell 100% stink and judged other stanks based on the memory of that smell.

Third, even though it comes with a concealing carrying case, if you got caught with this product, it would be 1000x worse than having people call you out on your stinky poop. It’s like getting caught with Masturbation Wipes.

A few years ago, we had some clients in from California for a meeting in our one bathroomed, studio. One of the guys was not doing so well and hot sweat poured off his brow as his guts gurgled and churned. He called for a break and staggered off to the bathroom. The bathroom door only acted as an amplifier and the studio shook and reverberated as his bowels unclenched. The reek was horrific and every non-essential team member left for lunch at 10:00am. Holly did her best to cover the smell by lighting a coffee scented candle that had sat on her desk for the past two years. It had a layer of dust on it three inches deep that was stuffed in the protective plastic coating. She lit it anyways. The perfect storm of shit smell, burning dust, melting plastic and fake coffee came together and drifted up to the front of the office. Somehow the mingled, gas chamber combination made it to the meeting room and it smelled like burning wood. Actually, a pleasant smell. In some circles, it is still considered a miracle.

So unless this product can combine the essence of dust carbon, melting plastic and faux coffee… I ain’t buying it.

Goodnight Nobody…… I hope

I am in round two of reading books like “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd to my second kid. Way back in round one, I mentioned how a painting in “Goodnight Moon” that showed one rabbit fishing for another rabbit creeped me out.

Later I found out that painting is from another book by Brown/Hurd. Creepy, yes, but I get it now.

I was fine until recently when I came to this page:

It is exactly what you see. A blank page with “Goodnight nobody” at the bottom. On the next page he says “Goodnight mush” and they show a picture of mush in a bowl. I never thought anything about it until I really started to look at the page for anything. A dot or a shadow or a hint of a wall. There’s NOBODY there. And that is really starting to freak me out because he doesn’t say “Goodnight nothing,” he says “nobody” which means no person. Which means that he might have thought someone was there or there was someone there a minute ago and now they are gone. Who were they? Is the old woman whispering hush killed by “nobody” three pages later?

I could tear out that page, but it would really mess up the meter. I think the answer is for me to photoshop the earlier mentioned painting onto that page so that I can kill two birds with one stone: get rid of “nobody” and explain what that photo means.


Cancer Awareness Idiot

I saw this woman throw her cigarette out her window and then noticed her personalized Breast Cancer Awareness license plate.


Perhaps I am just an asshole, but it seems as if you support such a cause, you wouldn't engage in similar ,and very obvious, self-destructive activities.

And quit littering. I sometimes wonder if it is illegal to give someone back their cigarette butt by throwing it back in their car.

The Display of Chokables

This is one of eight or nine "high-up" places in the house where we put the small items that Ann might choke on. 99% of these items are off of Greg's toys. In about two or three days we'll either re-attach or trash. Re-attach is code for looking at an item for a few seconds and then putting it in the trash.

Though that Star Wars blaster might make the cut. That missile too. I always hated when those came up missing.