Facebook Gold Membership

Do you have a Facebook Gold Membership?

The process for getting one is pretty simple and soon your friends will be asking for details on how they can become Facebook Gold Members.

Take the photo above and save it to your computer. Upload it to your Facebook account. Make it your profile photo. Now add an Status Update that suggests, "I've just signed up for a Facebook Gold Membership! They have a "Dislike" button for Gold Members!"

Ta da! You are now a Gold Member.

When friends ask questions, use these replies:

"Status Update visible to Gold Account Members only."
"Gold Account beta update in progress. Please be patient!"
"Automatic Reply: This service unavailable for non-Gold members."

Even better, take that photo and make 20 copies and upload it as a album. Then start tagging your friends in random places in the photo. When they go to look at the photo, they will think they are missing out on something.

Special thanks to reddit.com!

(Holy shit... people are getting pissed off! Being exclusive is tough.)

How to get ink off my privates?

I thought I would ask the question for Todd P. of Alaska.


You can answer here.

Do the Hard Thing First

Dad always said, "Do the hard thing first." If you do that hard homework first, the rest will be cake. If you tackle the hard yard work first, it’s all down hill after that.

Today I didn’t and I am very happy that I did not.

When I brought the kids home last night, there was about 5” of snow in the driveway. I was able to get the van up and into the garage, but the Civic would have trouble getting up without issue. So I shoveled.

We got an additional 5” after I shoveled and the city plows did a great job both clearing the roads and piling up an 18” wall of snow at the end of my driveway.

Thinking about father’s words, I got the shovel and headed to the end of the driveway. After two shovelfuls, I realized that while this might not be an Augean stable effort, it was going to take a bit of time and energy. In lieu of getting my iPod, I went up to the garage and got out the radio. And while I was at the top of the driveway, I took the easy way out and started there where there was only newly fallen snow.

It took me about 30 minutes to get to the bottom of the driveway and I once again heard my father’s words. I was dreading the huge clumps of compacted ice and snow and now wished that I would have heeded…

Just then a Westerville city maintenance truck with a small plow on the front came up the street. I gave a friendly wave as he drove past with his plow in the air. He waved back and slowed down so that he could do a three point turn in the road. He lowered his plow and I moved back out of the way as he cleared the end of the drive. In ten seconds and two pushes, he was done.

Turns out I did do the hard thing first.

Thanks, dad.

Phrases a Man Does Not Want to Hear from a Woman

It’s yours.

It’s not yours.

What are you thinking about?

Whose underwear are these?

My eyes are up here.

You are holding the ruler backwards.

I’m not exactly 18.

My husband is home!

You brother is better.

Your sister is better.

Awe, that's cute.

These stitches aren’t from an appendix removal.

Can we talk for a minute?

When did you get in last night?

When did you get in this morning?

Since when did you need one dollar bills to go to the library?

Since when did the library start smelling like cotton candy?

I threw that old thing out.

Where are your pants?

Does this make me look _______ ?

You left the seat up.

I also have something I need to tell you about my past.

Can I come out with you and the guys?

Is that porn?

Can I have the other credit card?

My brother needs a place to stay for a while.

What lab results are these?

Why do you have condoms when I am on the pill?

Where are you?

Jesus' Shadow

Dave is coming back for a visit

Dave is coming back to Columbus for a visit and we will be at Skully's on the 18th. Come join us for fun and frivolity.



This is Dave and I in July of 2008. We snuck off to Detroit to go check out an exhibit and accidentally made it to a Detroit baseball game. We had a lot of fun that day. If I realized how much I would miss him I assume that we would have snuck off more often. Now it costs a few hundred bucks just to spend a day together, but seeing how it is him paying for it, it is totally worth it.

Come out and meet up with us if you get a chance. E-mail me for info: holyjuan@gmail.com.

Free*

I am officially done with advertisements that say “Free,” but that are not. Free is a very specific word. It means something that costs nothing. Free should not have any words following it to explain what you have to do or pay to make the product/service cost nothing. I am going to send letters to my representatives to try and get the following “free” items taken care of.

Free! (plus shipping and handling and processing and service charge)
This type of free is big on television. You buy one item and you get a second free. Free as long as you pay for shipping and processing, which I assume are jacked up high enough to actually pay for the second item tenfold.

Free Attachments! (plus shipping and handling and processing and more service charges)
This is very similar to the first Free except that during the commercial, they show you the original item and then they demonstrate how it works using several attachments. Those attachments are Free… as long as you pay S&H&P&HJery)

Free 30 Day Supply! (With purchase of 90 Day supply)
There have been several commercials on television and radio that suggest you can get a free 30 day supply of diet or sexual enhancement drugs. That’s great, except that you have to buy a 90 day supply to get the 30 day supply free. And pay shipping. I assume the ingredients in the pills of both varieties are the exactly the same. If a manufacturer wants to send you some free pills then they should be free with no strings attached. Not that I need sexual enhancement drugs. And I would need way more than a 30 day supply of diet pills.

Free*

Screw you asterisk. No matter what you say or how you politely suggest... you mean that free isn't. I hate you, asterisk.

Buy one Get on Free!
I do the shopping in the HolyJuan household. We have a collection of about 30 meals that we rotate through. On the nights that Miss Sally wants to have linguini with alfredo, I make myself chicken wings as alfredo make me nauseous. So I watch with a keen eye as the prices of 64oz of frozen chicken wings goes up and down. They usually float between $6.99 and $7.99 for 64 ounces. Then every so often, my local store jacks up the price to $12.50 and does a BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. That’s crap! If the gasoline companies fluctuated their prices like this, the pitchfork and torch people would be rolling in stacks of money. With this mentality, every thing is buy one – get one free if you pay 2x for the first item.

Free shipping and handling
Bullshit. All that cost is rolled into the final price.

Free checking
OK… it might be free, but don’t overdraw your account or you’ll be paying for everyone else’s free checking. Oh, and it really isn’t free because your money is being used by the bank for other purposes. Everyone looks the other way so that you can continue to get free checking. You can get an interest bearing checking account, but the people that can afford to put that much money in their checking account can afford to pay for checking anyways.

Free (but we sign you up for a membership that sends you overpriced shit your don't want or need)

I watched a "Girls Gone Wild" commercially very intently, rewinding and rewatching to ensure I had all the details correct. As it turns out, you actually have to pay for the videos. So I zipped up and turned the channel until I got to the "Free Software" commercial. In this one, they suggest that you can get a video of your choice for free... but you have to give your credit card number and agree to buy a new video every month. If you are getting something for free and giving up a credit card number, you deserve what you get.

Free Hand Jobs
This one is completely false and I ended up having to pay $15. And the dude couldn’t make change for a $20.

Meshell is coming to town!

Yeah! Meshell is coming back into town!

She's way better than Dave!

I posted you first!

Someone is unhappy with Pete Colburn

(Author's note: The petecolburn.com website owner left some messages below in the comments. This was exactly as Ender had suggested!)

I keep an eye on my site traffic and I noticed there was a link coming into my site from www.petecolburn.info. I went to check out his site to see if Pete had anything interesting going on. When the link popped up, I thought I did something wrong, because instead of a new site popping up, my web site appeared. At the top of the page was www.petecolburn.info, but the page was my How To Steal Your Best Friend's Girlfriend article.

Screenshot of www.petecolburn.info

I immediately thought something fishy was going on, so I contacted my buddy Ender who knows a bit about computers. I asked him if he thought something malicious was going on or if this guy was stealing my content.

Here is his reply:

There's three pertinent details here:

1.) The domain in question points to your domain, but isn't a rigged scraping of your domain (ie, all the links actually point to HolyJuan.com)

2.) The domain is question is registered anonymously.

3.) The domain in question points towards only one of your articles, to wit, an article on stealing girlfriends.

I'm 99.9% certain that somebody's making a point to Mr. Pete Colburn of God-knows-where, USA. If I'm wrong, and they're trying to claim your content as theirs, they're incompetent.

So while we are not 100% sure, it sounds like a certain Mr. Pete Colburn might have stolen his buddy's girlfriend and said buddy is unhappy enough about it to buy a web site and stick me in the middle of it.

That should teach him. And me.

iTouch to iPad Upgrade Part 2