Christian Group Plans to Change the Names of the Days of the Week

COLUMBUS (FD) – The names for the days of the week are based on old pagan beliefs and mythology and one Ohio Christian coalition group wants to do something about it. The Christian Guardians of His Word are a collection of churches from around Ohio and West Virginia. Church leaders meet on a quarterly basis to discuss regional issues and politics. An emergency meeting was called after one of the members was looking over their child's shoulder at their virtual classroom, saw the teacher's "days of the week" lesson, and realized that the days of the week are based on “weird gods and heathen worship.”

The group decided to create a new set of Christian friendly names for the days of the week and then petition their state and federal representatives to force the government to make it official. The team of representatives from 37 churches gathered at Our Peoples of God’s Church in Columbus, Ohio to decide upon the new, Christian friendly names.

Debate started immediately when someone suggested changing Sunday to "God's Day." It seemed like an obvious change, until one member shouted out that every day is God’s day and they should not narrow it down to one single day. For an hour, debate raged between going with the assumption that everyone would understand that everyday is God’s day and the opposite end of the spectrum of calling Sunday, "God's Day 1" and going through the week in order "God's Day 2", "God's Day 3" and so on. In the end it was decided to call Sunday “Church Day” with the understanding that everyone knows that every day is God's Day.

For the next several hours, the rest of the days of the week were pounded out. Monday would become "Work Day." Tuesday would become "Spirit Day." There was a difference of opinion if Wednesday or Thursday should be called "Wash Day" as different people bathe and do laundry on different days of the week. As many members attend their individual churches on Wednesday as well, they decided to replace Wednesday with “Wash Up Day” to play upon the words sounding like “worship day.” Thursday is to become known as "Love Day" and everyone agreed to call Friday "Pizza Night Day." Saturday, of course, will be known as "The Day Before Church Day."

The Christian Guardians of His Word have put together a statement of suggestion and will begin petitioning their representatives in the new year on Love Day the 4th in God’s Month 2.


cl-beer said...

It's getting so hard to tell the satire from what Christians are actually doing. Poe's law strikes again.

Blue Roses said...

It's probably because they are just now realizing that the abbreviations for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday is: WTF.

The Gourmez said...

Sadly, I agree with cl-beer. I applaud your effort while it also makes me sad to consider its plausibility. And I'm a christian.

Anonymous said...

The entire English language is made up of pagan languages.

Jesus didn't even speak Hebrew. He spoke Aramaic. He also didn't wear pants, drive an SUV or bomb countries for oil.