Nom

I am sad because one of the happiest things on the internet has stolen something from me.

Nom. You’ve read it, seen it in cartoons and on posters of cute animals eating. Usually it’s repeated a few times: nom nom nom nom.


(photo via lolpix.com)

You can’t throw an everything bagel on Twitter without hitting it two or three times.



But for years, Nom has meant something else to me and what seems like too few others.

In Stephen R Donaldson’s book “The One Tree,” a creature called a sandgorgon is introduced. Sandgorgons are creatures of unending rage. They are built for destruction and are fueled by eons of frenzied anger. Trapped in mystic, desert prison, sandgorgons can only be released from their confinement if they are summoned by someone calling their name. Once summoned, they must kill the person who said their name. This is witnessed when a warrior character is forced to say the name of a sandgorgon and then is pummeled to death. Once the summoner is killed, the sandgorgon is pulled back into its prison.

Later, in a move most tremendous, the main character who is stuck in a prison cell deep in the heart of a fortress, summons a sandgorgon with the name he heard earlier. The sandgorgon batters his way through the walls to confront the one who summoned him. A battle rages and our hero, using wild magic, is able to defeat the sandgorgon without killing him. The sandgorgon realizes that he is now free and bows to our hero with respect.

This sandgorgon’s name is Nom.

When the hero Thomas Covenant said that name, I got chills. It was so unexpected and brilliant. And now... it's been wasted. Nom nom nom.

The only good feeling I get when seeing people say “nom nom nom” is thinking about them being pulverized to squishy muck by a raging creature that disappears back into the nothing once the deed is done.

Delicious Urinal Mat

We recently got new urinal mats in the men's bathrooms at work. For the ladies who are unaware, urinal mats are flat, little plastic mats that sit in the bottom of the urinal to help prevent splashing, both from the flushing water and from guys with high pressure. I assume they also help to keep half eaten sub sandwiches and cigarettes from being flushed down as well. Sometimes there are urinal cakes that sit atop the mats. They help to hide the smell of asparagus and 6 hour old, processed beer.

Our company upped the ante recently and invested in urinal mats that are embedded with some kind of addictive, sweet smelling perfume. I actually really like this smell. I find myself going pee 8 - 10 times more a day than normal so that I can spend a few intoxicating minutes with this smell.

On top of it all, the urinal mat has a very pretty orange transparent color to it. I almost feel sad peeing on top of it. It almost looks and smells... edible. That's right. EDIBLE.

I assumed that everyone else in the office felt the same about the urinal mat, so I decided to post a warning to keep everyone from attempting to take a bite out of the mat.

THE URINAL


THE DELICIOUS LOOKING MAT


THE WARNING

Sadly, my warning failed. Here is a photo of the mat from this morning:


I hope they put the poison control number on speed dial before diving in.

A Chat Between Smiley and HolyJuan

My buddy Dave and I both use a program called Steam to access games on our PCs. Part of the Steam program is an instant messaging service so that you can coordinate setting up a game or chat in game.

Dave (SMILEY) was on-line and saw that I (HOLYJUAN) had Steam up and running this morning, so he decided to chat with me. The following exchange is our conversation:

SMILEY: Yo friend!
HOLYJUAN: FUCK OFF LOSER
SMILEY: Sorry I've been MIA -everythings coming to a head with school... will be
done in 2 weeks, but in theory, I'll also have time during the day to
work
SMILEY: going out tonight, but will play later
HOLYJUAN: bull
SMILEY: BTw, love the wolf's blood in the Palin article
HOLYJUAN: sweet noe seriously get away from me
SMILEY: Greg? Get off your Dad's computer
HOLYJUAN: who the fuck do u think ur talking to... im no greg
SMILEY: Annie?
SMILEY: There was one thing missing from your Palin Rider article...
SMILEY: ANAL SEX
HOLYJUAN: im sorry but i think the doug ur looking for left my house
about a week ago
SMILEY: was that some kind of brainwashing retreat when you went to Georgia?
HOLYJUAN: i dont know what ur talking about but im his nephew and i
live in Georgia and he is no longer her
SMILEY: Please log off of his account. Sorry to bother you.

Once I got his e-mail detailing this conversation, I got into Steam and changed my password. I had logged into Steam while I was in Georgia a week ago and neglected to erase my login.

The ANAL SEX bit is a joke between Dave and I. We try to drop it into conversations when the other one isn't expecting it. Really. We're not gay.

A Trade for Idiocracy

My friends have been raving about the movie Idiocracy for years and yet I have not taken the effort to acquire it.

Erik from Erik Eats suggested I trade something for it.

If you have the movie and would like to trade me for it, let me know what you would want in trade. I will not trade for cash, but I do have some old coins!

Here are some things I have that you might be interested in trading:
DVDs
Books
A large chuck of Galena
Original HolyJuan cartoons that can be signed by the author or I can write a famous person’s name on it
Or I can let you be a guest writer or write something for you

If you are in Columbus, we can arrange a swap. Otherwise we can arrange shipping. If you live in Las Vegas, I'll come pick it up.

Let me know in the comments or at holyjuan@gmail.com.

A Page from Sarah Palin's Rider

Sarah Palin's top secret rider was recently found in a trash can outside of California State University Stanislaus. A rider is part of a contract that specifies all the demands of a client. Here is a page from that rider:

Productivity

After being gone for a week, I found this little diagram in our work area:


I could be wrong, but what I think this chart is explaining is that the more that I am around, the more productivity increases... right?

Switcheroo Name

Here is how you play the game: switch the first letters of your first and last name (for me it would be Joly Haun.) The new name will fall into one of the five categories:

1. No Change
Sadly, the first letters of your first and last name are the same. No fun. Sorry Kris Kristofferson.

2. Foreign Exchange Student
Remember that kid in high school that smelled like cheese and was always staring at you? Don't be sad, there will always be the other foreign exchange student for you to take to the prom. This means you Lia Eastep and Josh Kessler.

3. Porn Star
While a very small percentage of the population falls into this category, you have made it big. Good job, Rick Dodsworth!

4. Nemesis of Conan the Barbarian
Sometimes your Switcheroo Name just sounds evil. An evil person that would want to kill Cimmerians with guttural sounds that could only be pronounced by Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. I’m looking at you Greg Allender and Stephanie Kuwasaki.

5. Norse God
Your regular name is boring, but your Switcheroo Name is GODLIKE! Usually you throw a couple of vowels in the first name and you will be messing in the matters of men and lying around eating manna. This means you John Acton.

Greg and the Sitting Missile

Found this while cleaning up some folders. Still funny today.

Sad Easter Bunny is Sad

Don't be sad Easter Bunny! Jesus is going to come back real soon! You'll see!

Photo courtesy of Meshell.

Yay! Pollen!

We went to Georgia to visit our relatives this past week. Great time! Our van got a heavy coating of Georgia's famous tree sperm. Our van is usually blue, but in this photo it has a beautiful yellow-green iridescence.


This might look like snow, but it a photo of all the dust falling from the trees.


It seems other guests to the state had a similar mindset as us.