There is a Psychic Fair in town and signs popped up on every exit and street corner with dates, a phone number and a location. I say BULLSHIT! This is what a real Psychic Fair sign should look like.
What a real Psychic Fair advertisment should look like
There is a Psychic Fair in town and signs popped up on every exit and street corner with dates, a phone number and a location. I say BULLSHIT! This is what a real Psychic Fair sign should look like.
Erik Eats: Salt Peach Slice - Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence
This week’s selection for Erik Eats seems to be a very natural, if not organic, one.
At first I thought this was dried fish, which also hang on the rack by the register, but fortunately, a small sticker on the front of the pack read “Salt Peach Slice.”
And I love a peach. And I love the salt. And my favorite cut is the slice. A win win win situation!
Usually I spend hours thinking of the title for the Erik Eats segments. The combination of the words is not a simple five second random flip through the dictionary. Careful planning goes into every word for maximum Engish potential. But this week, the title came right off the package, “Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence.”
I’m not sure what that translates into Chinese, but I bet any boy trying to get to third base drops that line. And then he gets himself a little snack of the salted peach!!
Now before we get into the Limitless Magnificence that is the salt peach, let’s take a look at the packaging. There seem to be a lot of words on here. Probably because this is some kind of fresh fruit peach product and it is inspected nine times before it is hand dipped in lead and sent to the states. What’s this in the bottom left hand corner?
!! Tell me if I’m mistaken, but is that a man pulling a deer from that bull’s ass? Oh my God, one of the deer legs has broken off in the bull’s sphincter!! Dear lord! Oh Christ put it down! Just kill it!
All right, with the dead, fecal coated, fetal deer out of the way, let’s move on to the seal of freshness.
Two seals of freshness!! Wow. Double fresh salt peach. This is going to be DELICIOUS!!
Erik cannot stop staring at the recently still born, poop covered deer on the packaging.
Let’s move on without him. We'll flip this package over and see if there are any special instructions:
Whoa… I don’t like this…
A red phone with a number also in red? Usually a red phone gets Batman on the horn. Or launches nukes. Or contacts Poison Control. But I’m sure this is the Salt Peach quality control line. If we find anything wrong with the low level of PCBs, we can call and get more to sprinkle on top.
Now, you might be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to enjoy these Salt Peach?” or “In what manner shall the consumption of Salt Peach take place?” Well, I can’t help you with those two questions, but if your question was, “Using Method?” I’d say:
Use directly, my friend. Use directly. Below that you’ll also notice the suggestion of, “Keeping in cool…” I think we all can live with that prospect. I believe that Obama will start using that in his campaign.
Now, to the area we’ve completely avoided… the ingredients. I assume that Salt Peach Slice has two ingredients: Salt Peach and Slice. Or maybe Peach Slice and salt. A quick look at the ingredients reveals:
Fresh Carambola? Obviously that MUST mean peaches in Chinese because I would HATE to think that I got screwed over buying this product clearly marked “Salt Peach Slice.” So therefore I’m going to put this out of my head and continue the ingredients. Sugar – good. Salt – they got that one spot on. AH HA! What’s this little bit they tried to sneak in and cover with the “MADE IN CHINA” sticker? Liquor? Erik’s gonna have a tasty peach snack and a buzz it seems. Let’s scratch off the industrial strength adhesive that holds on this sticker and see what lies beneath.
Crap. Let’s peel back some more and maybe there will be heroin.
Nope. Oh well. College try and all!
Now, this Fresh Carambola has got my curiosity up in a tizzy. So I went to the local library, found the encyclopedias, found the one marked “C”, and looked up “Carambola.” The passage said, “carambola – see Wikipedia.” So I came back to the office and looked it up on the internet expecting to see a lovely peach and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!
Star fruit? You tried to pass off second rate star fruit as peach? Here’s a peach in its natural environment:
Surrounded in thick syrup, that’s how Americans eat their peaches. It’s this kind of trickery that got us tangled up in WW2 my friends!! Don’t pull this shit on me. I’d call the number on the package to complain, but I am afraid of launching nukes.
So finally, here is Erik opening the package:
And a tentative sniff:
And the reveal:
So, here’s what one of these NON-PEACH star fruit look like close up.
Inspecting the fruit that of which is not peach:
The taste and chew sequence:
Bleh… no real flavor to speak of. Bland. Un peach.
Here is Steph for the second opinion:
Blech... right in the trash.
Overall, I feel cheated. I loved you Salt Peach! I will find you! Someday, Erik and you will be together!!
Next week: Deer Hoof of Bull's Loin
At first I thought this was dried fish, which also hang on the rack by the register, but fortunately, a small sticker on the front of the pack read “Salt Peach Slice.”
And I love a peach. And I love the salt. And my favorite cut is the slice. A win win win situation!
Usually I spend hours thinking of the title for the Erik Eats segments. The combination of the words is not a simple five second random flip through the dictionary. Careful planning goes into every word for maximum Engish potential. But this week, the title came right off the package, “Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence.”
I’m not sure what that translates into Chinese, but I bet any boy trying to get to third base drops that line. And then he gets himself a little snack of the salted peach!!
Now before we get into the Limitless Magnificence that is the salt peach, let’s take a look at the packaging. There seem to be a lot of words on here. Probably because this is some kind of fresh fruit peach product and it is inspected nine times before it is hand dipped in lead and sent to the states. What’s this in the bottom left hand corner?
!! Tell me if I’m mistaken, but is that a man pulling a deer from that bull’s ass? Oh my God, one of the deer legs has broken off in the bull’s sphincter!! Dear lord! Oh Christ put it down! Just kill it!
All right, with the dead, fecal coated, fetal deer out of the way, let’s move on to the seal of freshness.
Two seals of freshness!! Wow. Double fresh salt peach. This is going to be DELICIOUS!!
Erik cannot stop staring at the recently still born, poop covered deer on the packaging.
Let’s move on without him. We'll flip this package over and see if there are any special instructions:
Whoa… I don’t like this…
A red phone with a number also in red? Usually a red phone gets Batman on the horn. Or launches nukes. Or contacts Poison Control. But I’m sure this is the Salt Peach quality control line. If we find anything wrong with the low level of PCBs, we can call and get more to sprinkle on top.
Now, you might be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to enjoy these Salt Peach?” or “In what manner shall the consumption of Salt Peach take place?” Well, I can’t help you with those two questions, but if your question was, “Using Method?” I’d say:
Use directly, my friend. Use directly. Below that you’ll also notice the suggestion of, “Keeping in cool…” I think we all can live with that prospect. I believe that Obama will start using that in his campaign.
Now, to the area we’ve completely avoided… the ingredients. I assume that Salt Peach Slice has two ingredients: Salt Peach and Slice. Or maybe Peach Slice and salt. A quick look at the ingredients reveals:
Fresh Carambola? Obviously that MUST mean peaches in Chinese because I would HATE to think that I got screwed over buying this product clearly marked “Salt Peach Slice.” So therefore I’m going to put this out of my head and continue the ingredients. Sugar – good. Salt – they got that one spot on. AH HA! What’s this little bit they tried to sneak in and cover with the “MADE IN CHINA” sticker? Liquor? Erik’s gonna have a tasty peach snack and a buzz it seems. Let’s scratch off the industrial strength adhesive that holds on this sticker and see what lies beneath.
Crap. Let’s peel back some more and maybe there will be heroin.
Nope. Oh well. College try and all!
Now, this Fresh Carambola has got my curiosity up in a tizzy. So I went to the local library, found the encyclopedias, found the one marked “C”, and looked up “Carambola.” The passage said, “carambola – see Wikipedia.” So I came back to the office and looked it up on the internet expecting to see a lovely peach and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!
Star fruit? You tried to pass off second rate star fruit as peach? Here’s a peach in its natural environment:
Surrounded in thick syrup, that’s how Americans eat their peaches. It’s this kind of trickery that got us tangled up in WW2 my friends!! Don’t pull this shit on me. I’d call the number on the package to complain, but I am afraid of launching nukes.
So finally, here is Erik opening the package:
And a tentative sniff:
And the reveal:
So, here’s what one of these NON-PEACH star fruit look like close up.
Inspecting the fruit that of which is not peach:
The taste and chew sequence:
Bleh… no real flavor to speak of. Bland. Un peach.
Here is Steph for the second opinion:
Blech... right in the trash.
Overall, I feel cheated. I loved you Salt Peach! I will find you! Someday, Erik and you will be together!!
Next week: Deer Hoof of Bull's Loin
Congratulations Karen and Chris!!
Congratulations go out to Karen and Chris on the birth of their third child, Colin Michael. Anymore, when someone begins to relate a birth story, I quickly pull out several small pieces of scotch tape and adhere my eyeballs in the down position to keep them from rolling back in my head. Everyone’s got a birth story that can be summed up in four sentences, but most drag it out to Aeneid proportions.
Fortunately, Chris is a man a very few words and Karen is the model of efficiency. Here is their birth story in his words:
• Karen's water breaks at 2am in the morning
• Arrive at birth center at 3am
• 1 hour and 4 heavy pushes later, Colin Michael is born at 4:04am
• Home for breakfast and introductions to his brothers at 7:30am
That’s right folks… from water breaking back to home: Five and one half hours. I guess the hospital makes you wait for a minimum of two hours and they ensure that the baby is feeding.
But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about this photo:
You tell me, who looks worse for the wear? I guess Chris was a bit inconvenienced being woken up so early in the morning so I can understand why he looks like shit. Karen, though she would never believe me, looks stunning.
Fortunately, Chris is a man a very few words and Karen is the model of efficiency. Here is their birth story in his words:
• Karen's water breaks at 2am in the morning
• Arrive at birth center at 3am
• 1 hour and 4 heavy pushes later, Colin Michael is born at 4:04am
• Home for breakfast and introductions to his brothers at 7:30am
That’s right folks… from water breaking back to home: Five and one half hours. I guess the hospital makes you wait for a minimum of two hours and they ensure that the baby is feeding.
But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about this photo:
You tell me, who looks worse for the wear? I guess Chris was a bit inconvenienced being woken up so early in the morning so I can understand why he looks like shit. Karen, though she would never believe me, looks stunning.
Crap
I am just now getting over the flu. I’ve never had the flu and I picked a really poor time to have a first go at it. It started around noon on Wednesday. I had the full fever and chills by midnight. I was slightly delirious up though Saturday afternoon when I thought I was getting better, but I was only fooling myself. Saturday night I had the fever again and that ran through Sunday. I went to work today because you cannot get rid of the flu until you give it to someone else. It’s now Monday evening, St. Patrick’s Day, and I am playing the part of the good boy and staying at home to cap this off. It was poor timing because I missed Meshell’s birthday at Skully’s on Thursday, basketball tournaments on Friday, the Saturday night birthday celebration and St. Patrick’s Day all in one fell swoop. Crap.
The next False Idol is...
All right people! Calm down! I know it's Easter, but don't get your baskets all interwoven... I was just commenting on two things:
1. If Jesus were persecuted today, don't you think we would do it in an American Idol/reality show type format?
2. I thought the Simon thing was clever... unless you don't know the fifth station of the cross. Then it's probably not funny at all.
Someone at the NEA has their head on straight
Here is part of an article on Earthquakes from the National Environmental Agency.
I was going to say, "Stupid, like living in an earthquake zone," but that would be ignorant.
Thanks to Rach at symin.blogspot.com/.
I was going to say, "Stupid, like living in an earthquake zone," but that would be ignorant.
Thanks to Rach at symin.blogspot.com/.
Yahoo Feed 2
If you have a feed to Yahoo and received THIS message, leave a comment please.
Thanks,
HJ
Thanks,
HJ
Yahoo Feed
If you have a Yahoo feed to holyjuan.com, can you please leave me a message that this feed reached you?
Thanks,
HJ
Thanks,
HJ
"Ask HolyJuan" over the phone! – 614-429-4365
Google has a new phone messaging service in beta called http://www.grandcentral.com/ that I signed up for and I’m hoping you can help me test it out. Call me, HolyJuan, at 614-429-4365 and leave an Ask HolyJuan question. It’s easy to remember because the number also spells 614-GAY-IDOL.
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
Swanson's TV Dinner for the Single Man on March 14th
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Kate's Package Goes through Customs
Kate has been in Egypt for two weeks and wisely sent some stuff home via FedEx.
Sadly, they went through the box at customs and removed some "illegal" items.
I'm sure it was the the camel's milk cheese.
Rat Trap Observations
I was at the local grocery store and upon exiting, noticed a large, fake rock sitting in front of the building. It was clearly a trap of some kind and created to look like a rock to fit in the natural surroundings and hide its intent to trap and kill rats and other large vermin.
Obviously, the manager of the store bought the rock thinking that it would look better than the standard, black box of death. Sadly the “rock” placement did not conceal the intent in the middle of a concrete sidewalk.
Greg and I were on our way to the Arnold Classic and I saw the perfect spot for the rock trap right next to a resturant. You’d never know the rat trap was there! But of course, neither would the chef.
What this is all boiling down to is while I was researching the rat trap, I found this walk in freezer, sticky mouse trap product:
I have three observations:
One: You think the first mouse to get stuck would have told the others that they might want to stay the fuck back.
Two: The next mouse that gets caught on this trap is going to have to search pretty hard for a spot. I think there some space in the back to the right, but someone is going to need to scooch over a bit.
Three: I don’t know about you, but those mice look pretty content. It actually looks pretty comfy.
But now that I’ve made three observations, I’ll make a few more low resolution observations.
Low Resolution Oservation #1: How the heck did this mouse get in the middle?
I assume that the material in the trap is sticky. Really sticky. How did this guy get in the center without getting stuck? I assume he had to climb over his buddy who wouldn’t move out of the way in the first place.
Low Resolution Observation #2: Mice don’t walk backwards.
Look at this sonofabitch. He didn’t walk backwards on to the trap, so I assume he crawled over Buddy #1 and Buddy #2 and then got stuck.
And this guy did the same freaking thing!
Final Observation: If you find yourself with a trap with this many mice in it, I think you should be doing a bit more than putting a sticky piece of plastic in your walk in freezer.
And as a bonus, a photo of me letting a rat eat out of my mouth.
Obviously, the manager of the store bought the rock thinking that it would look better than the standard, black box of death. Sadly the “rock” placement did not conceal the intent in the middle of a concrete sidewalk.
Greg and I were on our way to the Arnold Classic and I saw the perfect spot for the rock trap right next to a resturant. You’d never know the rat trap was there! But of course, neither would the chef.
What this is all boiling down to is while I was researching the rat trap, I found this walk in freezer, sticky mouse trap product:
I have three observations:
One: You think the first mouse to get stuck would have told the others that they might want to stay the fuck back.
Two: The next mouse that gets caught on this trap is going to have to search pretty hard for a spot. I think there some space in the back to the right, but someone is going to need to scooch over a bit.
Three: I don’t know about you, but those mice look pretty content. It actually looks pretty comfy.
But now that I’ve made three observations, I’ll make a few more low resolution observations.
Low Resolution Oservation #1: How the heck did this mouse get in the middle?
I assume that the material in the trap is sticky. Really sticky. How did this guy get in the center without getting stuck? I assume he had to climb over his buddy who wouldn’t move out of the way in the first place.
Low Resolution Observation #2: Mice don’t walk backwards.
Look at this sonofabitch. He didn’t walk backwards on to the trap, so I assume he crawled over Buddy #1 and Buddy #2 and then got stuck.
And this guy did the same freaking thing!
Final Observation: If you find yourself with a trap with this many mice in it, I think you should be doing a bit more than putting a sticky piece of plastic in your walk in freezer.
And as a bonus, a photo of me letting a rat eat out of my mouth.
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