Venus al la Orange
I took this photo in 1993 in Valencia Spain. Someone stuck two oranges on top this statue.
Let me tell you first hand that the oranges directly from the trees in Valencia taste like crap.
My conversation with i_heart_erie
This series of comments was to irresistible not to put into an article. This stems from a “news” piece I posted about Ohio legislators voting to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. A reader named “i_heart_erie” was a bit taken aback by the story. The following is our exchange verbatim from the comments section.
i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!
Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.
So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.
i_heart_erie said...
Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.
Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.
Doug said...
Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.
Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.
And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.
i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.
Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.
I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!
Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.
And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.
And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.
So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.
{I have not heard back from erie since.}
i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!
Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.
So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.
i_heart_erie said...
Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.
Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.
Doug said...
Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.
Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.
And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.
i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.
Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.
I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!
Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.
And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.
And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.
So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.
{I have not heard back from erie since.}
The 2008 Presidential Candidates: What will they look like in four years?
We've all seen how the Presidency can age someone. Here is a fast forward look as to what the Presidential Candidates might look like four years into the future.
Mitt Romney
John Edwards
Rudy Giuliani
John McCain
Barack Obama
Mike Huckabee
Ron Paul
Hillary Clinton
{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.
Mitt Romney
John Edwards
Rudy Giuliani
John McCain
Barack Obama
Mike Huckabee
Ron Paul
Hillary Clinton
{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.
The Perfect Museum Exhibit
In a recent survey, we asked a bunch of people what they thought archeology was. They said dinosaurs. So from our vast experience of people and what people like, we designed the perfect science museum exhibit based on what people like. And people like the following:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:
Anne's Plant
Here is Anne's plant:
While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.
I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.
While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.
I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.
Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus
Dear HolyJuan
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Greg and Dad - Dick Cheney's Heart
{Greg and Dad is a cartoon segment of HolyJuan where Greg (aged 4 years)draws a cartoon and dad adds the caption.}
HolyJuan’s Predictions for 2008
OK, so none of my predictions for 2007 came true except for the “3. Bird Flu will not have an effect on the world’s population… this year,” prediction.
Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.
1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.
2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.
3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.
4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.
5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.
6. Calculator watches will come back in style.
7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.
8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.
9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.
10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.
Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.
1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.
2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.
3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.
4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.
5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.
6. Calculator watches will come back in style.
7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.
8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.
9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.
10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.
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