One of the best perks at my job is that we have a pop machine with twenty-five cent pop. On top of the machine is a Tupperware cup with at least $20 worth of quarters in it. If you need a pop you take a quarter, toss it in the machine and pick your poison. Sometimes the Tupperware container runs out and people start looking under the machine for quarters. Every few days, one of our admins will open up the machine, restock it and put the quarters in the container on the top.
Today I realized that those are the saddest quarters in the world.
Most quarters get to travel. From a pop machine to a bank to a meter to a video game and back to a pop machine. I assume that quarters have 30+ years of use in them and they get around. This is the best kind of quarter.
Then there are the quarters that got put into a jar five years ago and will not see the light of day ever again. These quarters give up on life and go into hibernation. Maybe a poker game or a late mortgage payment will bring them back to life. This is the second best type of quarter.
The quarters at my work are depressed. They sit on the machine. Then they feel movement… will it be into a slot machine or maybe for a gumball? A toll booth or taco bell? No. Into the pop machine. Then, three day later, back to the Tupperware on the top of the machine.
Sad.
I will not stand for this.
Every day I am going to go into work with a few quarters. I’ll liberate the quarters from the top of the machine and then take them to my car. There they will live in my coin cup thing and wait to be spent on things like parking meters, Burger King, and peep shows at the dirty book store.
FREEDOM!
Trogdor the Burninator
I'm not sure if you were ever a fan of Homestar Runner, but I was and still am. For about three years, all I ever did was reference Homestar in conversations and debates. Strong Bad taught be that most debates can be ended by catching your opponents on fire.
Recently, I showed Greg the Strongbad e-mail about Trogdor the Burninator. We watched it again tonight and he wanted to draw it.
I think he did pretty good. Especially with the consummate Vs.
Recently, I showed Greg the Strongbad e-mail about Trogdor the Burninator. We watched it again tonight and he wanted to draw it.
I think he did pretty good. Especially with the consummate Vs.
Miller Lite Masquerade
Dave was in town this weekend. We had dinner at Barley's and then over to Char Bar for drinks.
While we were at Char Bar, a group of people came in with masquerade masks on. After a while, Keegan couldn't take it anymore so he got up and asked one of the girls what was going on. She said it was her birthday and dammit, she wanted to have a masquerade party.
So I decided to join it. I peeled two labels off two Miller Lite bottles. In my wallet, I have a four leaf clover flattened between two taped together business cards. I was able to peel some of the tape off. Using Swiss Army Knife scissors, I cut holes in the wrappers and cut around the edges to make them mask like.
I went over to the girls expecting that they would be pissed. The birthday girl was ECSTATIC! They even let me take a photo with them.
Happy Birthday Masquerade Girl! (She's the one directly to my right.)
While we were at Char Bar, a group of people came in with masquerade masks on. After a while, Keegan couldn't take it anymore so he got up and asked one of the girls what was going on. She said it was her birthday and dammit, she wanted to have a masquerade party.
So I decided to join it. I peeled two labels off two Miller Lite bottles. In my wallet, I have a four leaf clover flattened between two taped together business cards. I was able to peel some of the tape off. Using Swiss Army Knife scissors, I cut holes in the wrappers and cut around the edges to make them mask like.
I went over to the girls expecting that they would be pissed. The birthday girl was ECSTATIC! They even let me take a photo with them.
Happy Birthday Masquerade Girl! (She's the one directly to my right.)
The BK Stacker Scientific Study
The price scientists over at Burger King think they have got their stuff together. They came out with a pricing system for the Single Stacker, Double Stacker and Triple Stacker at $1, $2 and $3 respectively. I decided to do some research to see if those scientists went to a school that doesn't have collective bargaining rights.
I went out and bought three Single Stackers, one Double Stacker and one Triple Stacker.
My server was Elbert!
Because of science, I weighed them:
Single Stacker = 4 oz
Double Stacker = 5.6 oz
Triple Stacker = 7 oz
The Single Stacker is 380 calories. That's 380 calories per $1 or $.25 an ounce.
The Double Stacker is 560 calories. That's 280 calories per $1 or $.36 an ounce
The Triple Stacker is 650 calories. That's 216.6 calories per $1 or $.42 an ounce.
The bigger the sandwich, the more you pay per calorie/ounce. That doesn't seem right!
The Single Stacker is comprised of a bun, one hamburger patty, two "segments" of bacon, a slice of cheese and some strange sauce that I will not be mentioning again.
Here's what the three Single Stackers look like separated.
The Double Stacker is comprised of a bun, two hamburger patties, three bacon segments, a slice of cheese and the sauce that I said I wasn't going to mention, but forgot.
The Triple Stacker is comprised of a bun, three hamburger patties, three bacon segments, two slices of cheese and more of the you know what.
There are three patties in there. One of them is hiding in the cholesterol.
By the way, the people over at Burger King think this is what the Triple Stacker looks like:
Here's what mine looked like:
So just by looking at these components, I can tell you are getting screwed. For starters, there should be two slices of cheese on the Double and three on the Triple. And the bacon should be spilling out of the Triple.
So you could take a Single Stacker and a Double stacker for $3.00 and you would get 2 buns, three hamburger patties, two slices of cheese and five bacon. I call this the "1 + 2 = 4."
Or, you could take the three Single Stackers, remove the tops of two and stack them all. I call this the "Real Triple You Stupid Price Scientists."
Or you could just say "fuck it" and stack everything in one bun. I call this "The Lent Buster."
That's right.
OUMNNNNUNMNNNN
Fis engu mmn na frengh!
Yeah! Take that Price Scientists!
CONCLUSION: The price scientists at Burger King are idiots. Just buy singles. You can feed the ducks with the leftover bread.
I went out and bought three Single Stackers, one Double Stacker and one Triple Stacker.
Single Stacker = 4 oz
Double Stacker = 5.6 oz
Triple Stacker = 7 oz
The Single Stacker is 380 calories. That's 380 calories per $1 or $.25 an ounce.
The Double Stacker is 560 calories. That's 280 calories per $1 or $.36 an ounce
The Triple Stacker is 650 calories. That's 216.6 calories per $1 or $.42 an ounce.
The bigger the sandwich, the more you pay per calorie/ounce. That doesn't seem right!
The Single Stacker is comprised of a bun, one hamburger patty, two "segments" of bacon, a slice of cheese and some strange sauce that I will not be mentioning again.
Here's what the three Single Stackers look like separated.
The Double Stacker is comprised of a bun, two hamburger patties, three bacon segments, a slice of cheese and the sauce that I said I wasn't going to mention, but forgot.
The Triple Stacker is comprised of a bun, three hamburger patties, three bacon segments, two slices of cheese and more of the you know what.
By the way, the people over at Burger King think this is what the Triple Stacker looks like:
Here's what mine looked like:
So you could take a Single Stacker and a Double stacker for $3.00 and you would get 2 buns, three hamburger patties, two slices of cheese and five bacon. I call this the "1 + 2 = 4."
Or, you could take the three Single Stackers, remove the tops of two and stack them all. I call this the "Real Triple You Stupid Price Scientists."
Or you could just say "fuck it" and stack everything in one bun. I call this "The Lent Buster."
That's right.
OUMNNNNUNMNNNN
Fis engu mmn na frengh!
Yeah! Take that Price Scientists!
CONCLUSION: The price scientists at Burger King are idiots. Just buy singles. You can feed the ducks with the leftover bread.
Bald Men Outraged at Lack of Care for Hair
COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – Several area bald men are fed up with the lack of care and responsibility shown by fully haired men towards their completely, hair covered craniums. “They don’t respect their follicles”, stated Bill Newtswarthy, the President of the Bald Is OK Club in Columbus, Ohio. “These ‘Hairitics’ take their hair for granted. They don’t realize that it could all be gone tomorrow. They should treat their hair with respect!”
We caught up with several members of the Bald Is OK Club during their annual meeting at a local Best Western. The BIOK were discussing the merits of conditioner and repeating. “I think I would have had another three, maybe four more years of hair if I hadn’t scrubbed so hard,” stated one bald member. Others nodded in agreement while they looked accusingly around the room at the other bald men. Earlier in the evening, a man with a bald wig was caught and ushered out the door. “We can’t be too careful. There are a lot of people with full heads of hair looking to infiltrate the group.”
Member Erik was one of the more vocal members at the meeting, “I see them out there… dyeing… moussing… gel and butch wax in hand. They should be ashamed!” Many cheers from the four other people in the room erupted.
Local men with hair did not know about the group and were astounded at our description of their activities. We heard such comments as, “I thought bald was beautiful?” and “That’s what you get for repeating shampooing.”
We hit the streets and interview several local hair blessed and bald people for their opinions:
"These hairy SOBs need to be taught a lesson. I'm tired of stepping over my f*ucking roomate's hair when I get in the shower. Eighteen bottles of shampoo, assh*le? I use bar soap on my dome." - Greg A.
"I don't know what these guys are complaining about. All this hair gets in my way when I am fighting off the chicks at the club. Washing the smell of lust and sin out of my hair takes hours!" - Josh K.
"I shave my head in solidarity for my bald headed brothers. Then it grows back and I have to fight the ladies off, again. Will it never end?"- Jason (Last initial withheld to protect identity.)
"These baldies need to get used to their lack of hair. I mean, so what if their testosterone is low and their hair falls out? They can borrow some of mine!" - Kevin S.
"Please don't use my real identity. " - Erik Burbank
"You don't like this hair, bitches? Your wife does!" - Levi
We caught up with several members of the Bald Is OK Club during their annual meeting at a local Best Western. The BIOK were discussing the merits of conditioner and repeating. “I think I would have had another three, maybe four more years of hair if I hadn’t scrubbed so hard,” stated one bald member. Others nodded in agreement while they looked accusingly around the room at the other bald men. Earlier in the evening, a man with a bald wig was caught and ushered out the door. “We can’t be too careful. There are a lot of people with full heads of hair looking to infiltrate the group.”
Member Erik was one of the more vocal members at the meeting, “I see them out there… dyeing… moussing… gel and butch wax in hand. They should be ashamed!” Many cheers from the four other people in the room erupted.
Local men with hair did not know about the group and were astounded at our description of their activities. We heard such comments as, “I thought bald was beautiful?” and “That’s what you get for repeating shampooing.”
We hit the streets and interview several local hair blessed and bald people for their opinions:
"These hairy SOBs need to be taught a lesson. I'm tired of stepping over my f*ucking roomate's hair when I get in the shower. Eighteen bottles of shampoo, assh*le? I use bar soap on my dome." - Greg A.
"I don't know what these guys are complaining about. All this hair gets in my way when I am fighting off the chicks at the club. Washing the smell of lust and sin out of my hair takes hours!" - Josh K.
"I shave my head in solidarity for my bald headed brothers. Then it grows back and I have to fight the ladies off, again. Will it never end?"- Jason (Last initial withheld to protect identity.)
"These baldies need to get used to their lack of hair. I mean, so what if their testosterone is low and their hair falls out? They can borrow some of mine!" - Kevin S.
"Please don't use my real identity. " - Erik Burbank
"You don't like this hair, bitches? Your wife does!" - Levi
Good Times at the Jury Room
We went to The Jury Room the other night. It's an old bar that has been refurbished to look like it is still old.
While waiting for a table, we flipped through their drink menu. Well, Jenn flipped through the menu and Keegan looked at me menacingly.
The Jury Room carries a lot of "Old Man" drinks which a lot of hip, cool people drink. One of those is an Old Fashioned. The Old Fashioned at the Jury Room is so nice, they use bitters twice!
We got a table and Meghan showed up. Michael came later but he is not in this story except for this mention.
Keegan had suggested a beer out of Lancaster from Rockmill Brewery that he liked called Dubbel. I'm no beer expert, but dubbel is a Belgian Trappist beer naming convention. The origin of the dubbel was a beer brewed in the Trappist Abbey of Westmalle in 1856. Westmalle Dubbel was imitated by other breweries, leading to the emergence of a style. Dubbels are now understood to be a fairly strong (6%-8% ABV) brown ale, with under- stated bitterness, fairly heavy body, and a pronounced fruitiness. This beer comes in 750ml bottles (that's three gallons for those of you that don't speak French)and are meant for sharing.
Earlier on in the evening, I said I would chip in for the Dubbel, but after drinking a few PBRs, I knew that my palate had become as sensitive as a pallet and I wouldn't enjoy a good beer. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Keegan called me one of several names and our waitress said she would bring three glasses and a shot glass so that I could at least try the dubbel.
Cheers!
I ordered artichoke and other stuff spaghetti. It was really delicious.
At the end of the meal our waitress brought our checks. She split the dubbel between all those that drank, including me.
She charged me for 1% of the bottle! 33% each for Jenn, Meghan and Keegan and .20 for me. Oh, how we laughed. I wish I could remember her name. She was awesome.I know that Jenn will remember and I'll post it later. It's Laura! Crafty Laura! Thanks, Laura!
Check out the Jury Room and the Rockmill selection of beers as soon as you get the chance!
While waiting for a table, we flipped through their drink menu. Well, Jenn flipped through the menu and Keegan looked at me menacingly.
The Jury Room carries a lot of "Old Man" drinks which a lot of hip, cool people drink. One of those is an Old Fashioned. The Old Fashioned at the Jury Room is so nice, they use bitters twice!
We got a table and Meghan showed up. Michael came later but he is not in this story except for this mention.
Keegan had suggested a beer out of Lancaster from Rockmill Brewery that he liked called Dubbel. I'm no beer expert, but dubbel is a Belgian Trappist beer naming convention. The origin of the dubbel was a beer brewed in the Trappist Abbey of Westmalle in 1856. Westmalle Dubbel was imitated by other breweries, leading to the emergence of a style. Dubbels are now understood to be a fairly strong (6%-8% ABV) brown ale, with under- stated bitterness, fairly heavy body, and a pronounced fruitiness. This beer comes in 750ml bottles (that's three gallons for those of you that don't speak French)and are meant for sharing.
Earlier on in the evening, I said I would chip in for the Dubbel, but after drinking a few PBRs, I knew that my palate had become as sensitive as a pallet and I wouldn't enjoy a good beer. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Keegan called me one of several names and our waitress said she would bring three glasses and a shot glass so that I could at least try the dubbel.
Cheers!
I ordered artichoke and other stuff spaghetti. It was really delicious.
At the end of the meal our waitress brought our checks. She split the dubbel between all those that drank, including me.
She charged me for 1% of the bottle! 33% each for Jenn, Meghan and Keegan and .20 for me. Oh, how we laughed. I wish I could remember her name. She was awesome.
Check out the Jury Room and the Rockmill selection of beers as soon as you get the chance!
A Quick Story
I feel like telling a story. I'm not sure which one yet. I assumed that as soon as I began to type, it would come to me, but it hasn't yet and now I am just stalling for time.
While I am waiting for my mind to catch up with my fingers, I'll tell you about the roads in Lancaster.
The roads in Lancaster are the same as most others. Especially in the city. Curbs. Asphalt. Sometimes there will be a random street that is poured concrete or one that is all brick. These are not special.
The special roads in Lancaster are the ones that lead out of town. The ones that now lead back in. They are not fun in the winter. But in the spring...
In the spring you roll your windows down. If you are lucky you can pop the sun roof. If you are Jeff W., you take the T-tops out of the Trans-Am. And if you are Keegan you ride your motorcycle.
Turn off of Rte.33 or Rte.22 or Rte. 37 or 188. Take a road with tilted road sign or no road sign at all. It will more than likely immediately start to go up or go down. There is likely to be a field and then a thick wooded area. Watch for the arrows that tell you to prepare for a turn. Most have a few bullet holes in them.
The smell of spring permeates the car. You cannot help but stick your arm out the window and hold the door with the flat of your palm. The ones with no regrets make their hand fly like Superman.
If you time it just right, you'll pass a field full of fireflies as they begin to flicker. When your car drops down into where the road goes deep in a small valley, you can feel the temperature drop. And the the cold is chased away as you pop back up again where the heat of the road fights off the chill.
There is curve after curve and straight aways that will take you on to bridges that they say can only take one car at a time. Sometimes the signs that tell you to slow down are suggestions. Other times those sign have been run over by people who don't take suggestions well. Just be careful. Of course, there is nothing like the feeling of making it though a curve that you thought for a split second you weren't.
When you see another car, wave.
You've probably had your radio on. Turn it off. Take in the sound of the wind. Of the trees passing you by as you pass by them. The hills and twists are short lived as you can't drive too far without bumping back into civilization.
Spring is a time for renewal, but it also can't help but remind us of the past.
Go ahead a take a lap through Rising Park. And another through the McDonald's. Drive past where Thomas' Fair Play used to be. Loop back around and head down Main Street and down where The Family Restaurant once stood. And then cut over and drive past Fisher Catholic and finally past Lancaster High School and the football field.
Spring will be here soon.
While I am waiting for my mind to catch up with my fingers, I'll tell you about the roads in Lancaster.
The roads in Lancaster are the same as most others. Especially in the city. Curbs. Asphalt. Sometimes there will be a random street that is poured concrete or one that is all brick. These are not special.
The special roads in Lancaster are the ones that lead out of town. The ones that now lead back in. They are not fun in the winter. But in the spring...
In the spring you roll your windows down. If you are lucky you can pop the sun roof. If you are Jeff W., you take the T-tops out of the Trans-Am. And if you are Keegan you ride your motorcycle.
Turn off of Rte.33 or Rte.22 or Rte. 37 or 188. Take a road with tilted road sign or no road sign at all. It will more than likely immediately start to go up or go down. There is likely to be a field and then a thick wooded area. Watch for the arrows that tell you to prepare for a turn. Most have a few bullet holes in them.
The smell of spring permeates the car. You cannot help but stick your arm out the window and hold the door with the flat of your palm. The ones with no regrets make their hand fly like Superman.
If you time it just right, you'll pass a field full of fireflies as they begin to flicker. When your car drops down into where the road goes deep in a small valley, you can feel the temperature drop. And the the cold is chased away as you pop back up again where the heat of the road fights off the chill.
There is curve after curve and straight aways that will take you on to bridges that they say can only take one car at a time. Sometimes the signs that tell you to slow down are suggestions. Other times those sign have been run over by people who don't take suggestions well. Just be careful. Of course, there is nothing like the feeling of making it though a curve that you thought for a split second you weren't.
When you see another car, wave.
You've probably had your radio on. Turn it off. Take in the sound of the wind. Of the trees passing you by as you pass by them. The hills and twists are short lived as you can't drive too far without bumping back into civilization.
Spring is a time for renewal, but it also can't help but remind us of the past.
Go ahead a take a lap through Rising Park. And another through the McDonald's. Drive past where Thomas' Fair Play used to be. Loop back around and head down Main Street and down where The Family Restaurant once stood. And then cut over and drive past Fisher Catholic and finally past Lancaster High School and the football field.
Spring will be here soon.
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