Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos in Columbus, OH March 2010

Margot came into Columbus on Thursday and I was happy. I bought two tickets and conned Dustin into going. We met at Skully's for pre-concert drinks and walked down to Circus around 9:00pm.

When we walked into Circus, I thought that a group of Amish carpenters had been hired to build a stage, but it turned out that it was the opening band.


It was hard to tell where the band ended and the crowd began as many of the members poured off the stage and stood in front. Interestingly enough, Erik Kang of Margot was one of the band members off the stage.

The band turned out to be Super Desserts and they have a very interesting sound. I loved the female vocals and the strings blended quite nicely.

I suggest you check out this video of their song Funeral. As a future commenter will post, it will have you "at work today humming "Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba" all day.

The second band was Dolson. I was taken aback by their set. When I was doing some pre-concert research, I went to their MySpace page and listened to a few of their songs. They sounded pretty mellow. I can dig mellow. But when they came out, they rocked.

It was a pleasant surprise, as I wanted to wait until the main act to weep. Check out their site and give them a listen, but I highly recommend catching them live.

The next group up was the Four Douchebags. Not a musical group, but rather four fucks in leather jackets. The photos speak for themselves.


Luckily they moved on before Margot got on stage.

Margot rolled on stage and something was amiss. I noticed that Emily Watkins' carved keyboard was not on stage. My initial thought was that it was in the shop and this taped together hunk of junk was the loaner. No problem. Until the anti-Emily Watkins sat down behind the board and began to play.

Also missing was the un-missable Casey Tennis. I was sad. I secretly hoped they had bad sushi earlier in the day, but a fan standing next to us said that four of the original members had left the band.

Crap. It's sad because the show rocked. Richard Edwards is an excellent musician and I dig his lyrics and I love his music, but the guy oozes prick. No, his prick doesn't ooze; I can just tell that they guy is probably pretty hard to get a long with. He seems like he knows what his music is and that you should not try and tell him otherwise.


Other band members literally take a back seat to Edwards.

I will continue to follow Margot where ever Richard takes them. And now I'm left wondering what Emily is up to and what barbed wire stuffed animals Casey is sticking in his pants.


BONUS PHOTOS:

Dustin uses his iPhone to figure out what Britney Spears song was playing in between sets.

The Fourth Douchebag cannot afford a leather jacket.

Cryptic words on Edwards' guitar.

I assume the gaffers tape was covering up something.
HolyJuan and Dustin. The average of our ages was the second oldest person at this show.

Redneck Stoplight Traffic Camera Deterrent

I saw this driving home today. That squirrel was sound asleep.




I think this is some kind of redneck stoplight traffic camera deterrent.

Greece Fakes Earthquake in Attempt to Get Out of Debt

LONDON (FD) – Greece has fallen upon hard times and is on the verge of financial collapse. The Greek government has tried many tactics such as freezing pensions, cutting salaries and adding taxes with limited success.

In light of several recent natural disasters around the globe, the government of Greece decided to try something different. In 2010, when Haiti was struck with their natural disaster, the international community decided to forgive Haiti’s debts.

So Greece decided to fake a massive earthquake.

It started with an organized Twitter campaign to begin a viral news event.


As the Tweets ramped up, #greece #earthquake and #IFeltIt began to trend. As usual with Twitter, when one person claimed they felt an earthquake, others began to think they too had felt the earthquake.

The borders of Greece were closed to all media to keep them “out of harms way.”

The government began to release photos of the devastation.

COLLAPSE CAUGHT ON CAMERA


CITY IN RUINS


DEVASTATION


RESCUERS DIG THROUGH THE RUBBLE LOOKING FOR SURVIVORS


MEMORIAL (TRANSLATION: Ranstooplooolis Gyro Cart - CLOSED)


Within the first hour of the news, sixty three thousand charities popped up in the United States. Within two hours, there were eight celebrity videos. By nine o'clock that evening, there were two made for television movies in the can. And by midnight, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had adopted 426 Grecian orphans.

The fake earthquake ultimately failed after the Greek government neglected to share this plan with the general population of Greece. As people called in to loved ones and to check on damage, the population had no clue what anyone was talking about.

In less than 24 hours the charade was over with the Government of Greece explaining that it was all one big misunderstanding and that it hoped it would be able to return the donated 1.7 billion dollars over the next 50 years.





Photo Credits from Flickr: Sean Wallis, Gothphil, Josh Clark, Ken Mayer and Underthesun.

Reddit Secret Santa Surprise

I am a fan of Reddit.com. This past holiday season, they put together the biggest Secret Santa gift exchange ever. Reddit community members were assigned another member for whom to buy a gift with the knowledge that they, too, would receive a gift. Thousands of people were involved and it was a beautiful thing.

I signed up and received my Secret Santa’s name and address. I bought this person a few gifts, wrapped them and sent them out. That was December 10th.

The folks at Reddit set up a website so that users could track when they got a gift and learn when their Secret Santa got their gift and how they reacted. People posted photos and stories. Some were happy and many were ecstatic. I waited for my Secret Santa to get his gift and for my Secret Santa gift to arrive.

Did I mention that that was December 10th?

Time passes. I did not get my gift and my Secret Santa never posted that he received his gift. I was sad.

I gave up at the end of January. Even a bomb shaped gift from Australia going though customs would have made it by February.

And then today…

Today, Gary stopped me in the hallway at work. He said there was a package for me on his cart. I didn’t think much of it until I saw the beat up box with the word HolyJuan on the top. For a fragment of a moment I thought my Secret Santa gift had finally arrived.

Then I realized that the box was my box and the address was my return address and the large stamp on top said UNCLAIMED and RETURN TO SENDER.

And again I was sad.

Then I remembered what Dad once said. He said, “The best gifts are sometimes the ones you buy yourself.”

So I took my box home and gave it to my son Greg.

Here’s Greg when he found out that my package didn’t make it to the person it was supposed to get to.


And here he is finding out that the gifts inside are now for him!


The unboxing:


The interior of the box. A couple wrapped presents:


The first gift.. a HolyJuan.com refrigerator magnet


Unwrapping Gift #2


A gyroscope!


The note attached to the gyroscope:

I've wanted a gyroscope for
years and never bought one.
So I bought one and I'm
giving it to you.
no one has ever accused me
of being smart.


Opening the third gift:


Star Wars Mad Libs!


Here is the note attached to the Mad Libs:

Hello thehax0rist,
I thought you would enjoy
this Star Wars Mad-Lib.
I think this is actually
how Lucas wrote it in
the first place.

Happy Holidays!
HolyJuan


Here is Greg and my first Mad Lib together:


And while the math isn't completely right, two people were very happy with how their Reddit Secret Santa turned out.

See you next Christmas!

Hormel Pepperoni: Hot & Spicy & Smaller by Almost Half.

I love pepperoni. I usually buy Hormel, even though it can be a little more expensive. Last shopping trip, I bought 2/$6.00. In an attempt to spice things up, I purchased the Hot & Spicy flavor. From the photo below, you can see the packages are exactly the same except for where I had torn the top off the Hot & Spicy variety.


Once I got in the bag, I immediately noticed that something was not right. The bag seemed half empty. I looked at the size on the bag:

5oz (note the easy to read black on red)

I pulled the other bag out and looked at it:

8oz!

I was getting screwed out of 3oz because of flavoring? It's a different between $.60 and ounce and $.38 an ounce. I just don't get it. It would be like getting charged double for Salt and Vinegar potato chips over regular potato chips just because it is a different flavor.

The packaging is completely misleading. It's exactly the same size! I will not make the same mistake next time.

Shame on you Hormel!

Local Teacher Admonished for Crucifix in Classroom

Columbus OH (HJ) – Cassandra Schwartzinski, a second grade teacher at Elm Elementary in Worthington, Ohio, was given a formal reprimand for going against school district’s policy of displaying religious items in the class room. Schwartzinski claims that the cross had been hanging on the wall for years and no one made any comment about it.


School officials declined to comment about Schwartzinski’s recent conversion of all the classroom seats into pews or her math teachings by adding and subtracting the Ten Commandments.







photo credit: perspicacious from www.flickr.com

For Gaston

I would like to take a moment to say goodbye to Gaston.

Gaston and I are on opposite ends of the political system.
Gaston and I have different opinions about social issues.
Gaston and I have different opinions about economic issues.
Gaston and I have very little in common.
But yet, Gaston and I are friends and I think we forgive each other for our beliefs.

I will miss you, friend.

Good luck.

(Your wife is HOT!)

Raw Food Diet

(A snippet from a much larger story)

Back in 2001, when Allen and I were out in LA recording the audio for the Big Yummy, we got to know an audio engineer who was also a testicular cancer survivor. They guy swore that part of his health regimen was a raw diet. My engineering friend would sit at the board and eat 10 -12 small meals a day. It was uncooked stuff, pureed in a Cuisinart and stored in small Tupperware containers. He’d pull a container out of the refrigerator, open the lid, lick the lid, and either drink or spoon the contents into his mouth, somehow avoiding getting any in his scraggly beard. The uncooked paste was usually green or orange, but I saw a red one and hoped it was not blood.

On one occasion, he did have some solid food that looked red like beets. They were cubed and he popped them in his mouth like chocolates. I accused, “Hey, aren’t beets cooked and processed? You are cheating.”

And he followed up with, “No, this is beef.”

“Raw meat?”

“Yeah! I get it from a butcher that I trust. It’s delicious. Would you like to try some?”

I held back a weirded out spasm and I replied, “No thanks. Do you eat raw chicken?”

“No. That’s gross.”

Well, at least we got that all figured out. Another bit of information he shared was that the food he ate was so raw and easily digestible and absorbed by his body, that he rarely had bowel movements. That’s right. No poop. And then I started to think about how a once a month poop would look... like a small, really black, deflated balloon.

Ask HolyJuan -How do I get out of the Republican Party

Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Thank you
Lewis from California
Best regards

Dear Lewis from California,

You are fucked.

Signed,
HolyJuan

PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:

There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.

You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.

I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.

I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.

I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.

I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.

I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)

I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.

I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.

I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.

And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!

Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.

With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.

“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party

Creationists Find Missing Link; Declare Evolution Extinct

HOUSTON TX (HJ) - For years, Scientific Evolutionists and Religious Creationists have battled over whose theory/story is correct about where all living creatures on Earth came from. The scientists point to theory, fossilized evidence and actual living species that are evolving right before our eyes. The Creationists point to the Bible and the missing link.

But today the Creationists announced their solution to the whole debate. Earlier this afternoon, Texan Creationist, Mark Thomas James Ruddard announced what the Creationists finally came up with. Here is the text of his speech:

“As you know, we have fought for years and years over the basis for life on Earth. While the non-believers dug into our Earth’s 4000 year old dirt looking for bones, we looked to the heavens. While the heathens tried to say the earth was billions of years old, we looked at the fossilized remains of dinosaur feet next to human feet. The only thing these laugh-a-billies could come up with is a theory that we all started as apes and then just got the idea to all of a sudden to make airplanes and talk on phones. (Laughter) I am here to say that our scholars have figured it out. And answer to all the questions…

“In the days when Jesus rode dinosaurs, not all men were as pious and good as our Christ. In fact, these men, which we would consider today as being Stone Age Hippies, would sometimes engage in acts of lewdness with the dinosaurs. Of this unforgivable mating, a unfathomable creature emerged. The creature that your “Scientists” call Neanderthal. This creature was not of God and was shunned. Then, this Child of Hippies would have more relations with dinosaurs and those children are the apes and moneys of the world today. We also believe that the Cave Hippies spread a Stone Age type AIDS around which killed off all the dinosaurs. The end.”