A Great Advertising Scheme
These lighters are handed out for free at a local bar. I assume they are paid for by the Law Firm on the lighter.
Freelance Whales
Stu and I were supposed to see the Freelace Whales when they were in Columbus. He had something else come up and I neglected to go. I soon forgot about them.
Luckily I remembered.
You should also check out this one:
And now I am missing Stu.
Luckily I remembered.
You should also check out this one:
And now I am missing Stu.
Peas!
Greg asked for more peas at dinner. I gave him more peas.
He said that was too many. I said, "How many is too many?"
So how many is too many?
I guessed 172.
Greg guessed 174.
How many do you guess? Don't count! Just guess.
Answer below!
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Keep going!
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I counted full peas and then went back and counted the bits that may or may not have been full peas.
He said that was too many. I said, "How many is too many?"
So how many is too many?
I guessed 172.
Greg guessed 174.
How many do you guess? Don't count! Just guess.
Answer below!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going!
.
.
.
I counted full peas and then went back and counted the bits that may or may not have been full peas.
Creepy and Gross
I'm not sure what the back story to this is, but I assume it's pretty creepy and gross.
Skully's Ladies 80s is now The Retro Party
It was bound to happen. I even predicted it a while ago. I just never thought it would actually happen.
Skully's has dropped the name "Ladies 80's" and are going with "The Retro Party."
It's not like the dance music from all of the 80s was good. There was a good bit of crap through the early 80s. Yeah, yeah... and the rest of the 80s as well. There's some good stuff tucked into the early 90s. Skully's was starting to play 90s music as well. No one really cared as long as it was fun to dance to.
We are going to do some light recon and check it out. We assume it will be exactly the same. I just hope the Doug In Five Years doesn't stop coming. Nor the Terminator Guy. Guy in the Dress. Outland Girl. And who can forget Bump into You Drunk Girl. Hopefully they will all come back. Not creepy old guy thought. I think his position is being taken by someone else.
Skully's has dropped the name "Ladies 80's" and are going with "The Retro Party."
It's not like the dance music from all of the 80s was good. There was a good bit of crap through the early 80s. Yeah, yeah... and the rest of the 80s as well. There's some good stuff tucked into the early 90s. Skully's was starting to play 90s music as well. No one really cared as long as it was fun to dance to.
We are going to do some light recon and check it out. We assume it will be exactly the same. I just hope the Doug In Five Years doesn't stop coming. Nor the Terminator Guy. Guy in the Dress. Outland Girl. And who can forget Bump into You Drunk Girl. Hopefully they will all come back. Not creepy old guy thought. I think his position is being taken by someone else.
6 In 1 Sweet Sensations Baking Center Great at Creating Aneurisms
Ann wanted an ice cream maker. When the store didn’t have what we wanted and instant gratification kicked in, I bought her the “Cra-Z-Art 6 In 1 Sweet Sensations Baking Center.”
This colorful plastic contraption contained a mixing station, pouring station and decorating station. It came with cake and cookie mixes. The box did not mention that it would come with a heaping portion of suck ass.
Here is beautiful Ann glowing with the aura of cooking.
The plastic containers that are there for mixing and pouring do nothing but subtract from the amount of final product. The powder and water combine to form a sticky mass and it adheres to every surface it touches. It takes hours to scrape the sticky mass from the mixing area and then they want you to spackle it into the pouring device which does nothing but delay and reduce. It was frustrating to watch as Ann pushed down on the sticky mass only to have it ooze up and out of every crack, like a 95 year old man in a wet suit after one last night of Schlitz and White Castles with whole grain buns. Shit was coming out of everywhere.
What they say the goo dispenser looks like:
Here is an artist rendition of what it should look like on the package:
And here it is in real life:
When I went to do some post-purchase research on this product, I hit up Amazon.com. (You know what post-purchase research is, right? When someone buys the thing that looks good in the store and when it fails at home, they look up what all the other people bitched about and how crappy the product is and then the post-purchaser researcher probably adds their own review for the other post-purchase researchers to read after them.) We had thrown the box away after unpacking it and jamming all the plastic bits together. When I saw the photo on the website of all the "desserts" this product makes, I about crapped a cupcake.
Here is the product photo again:
Now let's take a look at these LIES!!
See this creamy cake mix pouring out?
The only way this cake mix could look this creamy is if you ate it raw and crapped it out six hours later.
See these beautiful cookies? (I'm not sure what the heck the flowers and crap are. They didn't come in the box.)
Here's what the cookies look like when you "bake" them in the microwave (not included):
Yum! We filled several holes in the wall with these spackle cookies. Oh, and by the way... the little tiny box the refills came is says clearly that a microwave is not included with purchase. Cheap bastards.
Brownies!
Ass cakes!
You can imagine what it took to get these out of their cups.
This is a great image because of several items:
1. There was enough frosting to cover the top of the cake... maybe. The sides? Never.
2. The frosting was not even close to being this smooth. It had a gritty consistency and it was lumpy.
3. Where the fuck did those flowers come from?
4. That's a nice placement of sprinkles, right? Wrong! When you unleash the sprinkles from the decorating station, the lever releases about 14 tons of sprinkles in one small area of the "cake." I assume if you got the cake spinning at about 350 prm, the sprinkles might be evenly distributed, but I also assume that the "frosting" flying off would kill small children.
Lastly, I had to include this image:
I love the photoshopped flowers and line of frosting on the top of the cake. There is no way that any of the ingredient or tools included with this kit could create such decoration.
In the end, we made the cakes and cookies that came with the box. We had bought a refill kit just so we wouldn't have to run back to the store. Real smart. Then threw this away. Or we recycled it, whichever you want to believe.
Don't buy this. Get an Easy-Bake Oven and your own sprinkles and frosting and crap.
This colorful plastic contraption contained a mixing station, pouring station and decorating station. It came with cake and cookie mixes. The box did not mention that it would come with a heaping portion of suck ass.
Here is beautiful Ann glowing with the aura of cooking.
The plastic containers that are there for mixing and pouring do nothing but subtract from the amount of final product. The powder and water combine to form a sticky mass and it adheres to every surface it touches. It takes hours to scrape the sticky mass from the mixing area and then they want you to spackle it into the pouring device which does nothing but delay and reduce. It was frustrating to watch as Ann pushed down on the sticky mass only to have it ooze up and out of every crack, like a 95 year old man in a wet suit after one last night of Schlitz and White Castles with whole grain buns. Shit was coming out of everywhere.
What they say the goo dispenser looks like:
Here is an artist rendition of what it should look like on the package:
And here it is in real life:
When I went to do some post-purchase research on this product, I hit up Amazon.com. (You know what post-purchase research is, right? When someone buys the thing that looks good in the store and when it fails at home, they look up what all the other people bitched about and how crappy the product is and then the post-purchaser researcher probably adds their own review for the other post-purchase researchers to read after them.) We had thrown the box away after unpacking it and jamming all the plastic bits together. When I saw the photo on the website of all the "desserts" this product makes, I about crapped a cupcake.
Here is the product photo again:
Now let's take a look at these LIES!!
See this creamy cake mix pouring out?
The only way this cake mix could look this creamy is if you ate it raw and crapped it out six hours later.
See these beautiful cookies? (I'm not sure what the heck the flowers and crap are. They didn't come in the box.)
Here's what the cookies look like when you "bake" them in the microwave (not included):
Yum! We filled several holes in the wall with these spackle cookies. Oh, and by the way... the little tiny box the refills came is says clearly that a microwave is not included with purchase. Cheap bastards.
Brownies!
Ass cakes!
This is a great image because of several items:
1. There was enough frosting to cover the top of the cake... maybe. The sides? Never.
2. The frosting was not even close to being this smooth. It had a gritty consistency and it was lumpy.
3. Where the fuck did those flowers come from?
4. That's a nice placement of sprinkles, right? Wrong! When you unleash the sprinkles from the decorating station, the lever releases about 14 tons of sprinkles in one small area of the "cake." I assume if you got the cake spinning at about 350 prm, the sprinkles might be evenly distributed, but I also assume that the "frosting" flying off would kill small children.
Lastly, I had to include this image:
I love the photoshopped flowers and line of frosting on the top of the cake. There is no way that any of the ingredient or tools included with this kit could create such decoration.
In the end, we made the cakes and cookies that came with the box. We had bought a refill kit just so we wouldn't have to run back to the store. Real smart. Then threw this away. Or we recycled it, whichever you want to believe.
Don't buy this. Get an Easy-Bake Oven and your own sprinkles and frosting and crap.
E-mail Spam Revenge
Got this spam e-mail from someone. He fell for my reply. Don't go to the website in the e-mail, mom.
**EDIT** OK, no one go to that site. Unless you like old men. Three old men. And love. Because the three old men love each other. A lot.
**EDIT** OK, no one go to that site. Unless you like old men. Three old men. And love. Because the three old men love each other. A lot.
The Bacon Pop - Popcorn Secret
I received this box of Bacon Pop - Bacon Flavored Microwave Popcorn as my Reddit Secret Santa Gift. I could not wait to try it!
The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."
I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!) So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.
I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil. It was exactly as you might expect. before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.
It was BACON! Real, raw bacon!
I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges. There was a slab of bacon on either side.
I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.
And put it in the microwave.
There it was! I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge. So I got out a knife and scraped it out.
It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.
Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end. Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup. I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.
I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product. I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?
Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today. Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.
There were three bags in the box.
The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."
I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!) So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.
I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil. It was exactly as you might expect. before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.
It was BACON! Real, raw bacon!
I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges. There was a slab of bacon on either side.
I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.
And put it in the microwave.
In about four minutes it was done. The bag barely held together with the tape. The tape was a little stinky, but the bacon smell much more prevalent.
I dumped the bag out into a bowl.
And for some reason, there was no bacon in with the popcorn. I thought that maybe that is how they cook and flavor the popcorn. If the bacon disappears during cooking, then maybe it is not considered a food. But then I looked in the bag.
There it was! I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge. So I got out a knife and scraped it out.
It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.
Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end. Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup. I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.
I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product. I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?
Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today. Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.
His Bowel Did Sway and Gurgle
This is a story about Bob. Bob was an elephant of a man.
He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.
Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.
Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.
The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.
The entire office heard his agony. He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.
And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.
The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.
Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.
He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.
Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.
Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.
The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.
The entire office heard his agony. He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.
And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.
The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.
Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.
Homestar Helps
The Homestar Runner characters let my co-workers know what kind of day I'm having.
Not sure what it means if I am having a Marzipan day.
The First and Probably Last HolyJuan Caption Contest
Please caption the following photo. Leave your caption in the comments The winner gets an official HolyJuan refrigerator magnet. (Not sold in stores.)
My Reddit Secret Santa Gifts!
If you are not aware of Reddit, you should be. Reddit has a Secret Santa gift exchange where strangers exchange gifts in the spirit of the season.
My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.
It's here!
Keegan let me borrow his knife
Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!
A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!
OK, not exactly.
More boxes inside the first box.
First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.
Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.
I've finally made it to puberty!
Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?
Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!
And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!
My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.
Here's everything together.
Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!
My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.
It's here!
Keegan let me borrow his knife
Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!
A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!
OK, not exactly.
More boxes inside the first box.
First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.
Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.
I've finally made it to puberty!
Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?
Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!
And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!
My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.
Here's everything together.
Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!
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