My nicknames in alphabetical order:
Doug E Fresh
Doug Funny
Dougie Big Nuts
Drain Bamage
Handsy
Lancaster
Mr. Doug
Mr. P
Pahoehoe
Paul
Paul Hida
Pow
Powie
Pow-Pow
Rat Boy
Rat Man
Uncle Doug
(From the comments and additional names I remembered afterwards)
Poodle
Grandes Boules
Doug Doggie Dougg
Velveeta
Egotistical Bastard
Radio Boy
If you can think of any others, please let me know.
Cheese Plate's
I spent too much time trying to decide if the first one was grammatically correct before I noticed the second one.
Zombie. Not Zombie
There is a "beauty doctor" in Westerville, OH that advertises in the free local rag. I enjoy her pencil sketches of what miracles she can perform. This week's ad needed a little bit of help:
ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe
ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.
Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”
The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.
Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”
Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”
Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”
The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.
Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”
Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”
American Girl Relieved That She Doesn’t Have The Force
HOLLAND OH (HJ) - High school senior Cheryl Heft of Toledo, Ohio was saddened, but relieved to find out that she did not have the mystical power of “The Force” while touring in Italy.
Cheryl spoke
to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground.
“At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”
Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”
Cheryl spoke
to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground. “At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”
Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”
HolyJuan: Award Winner
A little bit ago (seven months), I won an award for an article I wrote about Hollywood running out of 555 numbers. The award is Pageant of the Transmundane and I won for week 19 of last year. Here is my badge of awardedness:
I rejected the cash award that was not offered, so we both fared well on that front.
I rejected the cash award that was not offered, so we both fared well on that front.
Invisible Sandwich Tastes Bad
We caught this guy in mid-bite of his invisible sandwich. Maybe the mayo was bad?
Former President Bush Pretty Much Doing What He Was a Year Ago
CRAWFORD, TX (HJ) – The first three months out of office are being called a success by former President George W. Bush. “I’d pretty much call my retirement a slam dunk so far,” remarked the former President from Crawford, Texas. Former President Bush allowed us to sit with him for a moment while he whittled on the front porch of his ranch. “I’m thinking that my approval rating has gone up at least.”
Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his
schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”
Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”
The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”
When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”
Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his
schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”
The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”
When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”
Man beat with hammer after playing video game
By Donna Willis
Web Content Coordinator
Source
COLUMBUS, Ohio—A man said he was beaten with a hammer after playing a video game at someone’s house.
NBC 4 reported with the FAST FACTS.
CPD officers were call to Mount Camel Medical Center East on a report of a beating at about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.
Officers spoke with 30-year-old victim Derrick Simmons.
Simmons said he was playing a video game at a residence.
When Simmons chose to leave, one of the individuals at the residence struck him in the head with a hammer multiple times, according to the victim.
Simmons transported himself to the hospital and was treated for a fractured cheek bone and head contusions.
CPD continued to investigate the alleged assault. An artist rendition of the attacker is shown below:
Web Content Coordinator
Source
COLUMBUS, Ohio—A man said he was beaten with a hammer after playing a video game at someone’s house.
NBC 4 reported with the FAST FACTS.
CPD officers were call to Mount Camel Medical Center East on a report of a beating at about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.
Officers spoke with 30-year-old victim Derrick Simmons.
Simmons said he was playing a video game at a residence.
When Simmons chose to leave, one of the individuals at the residence struck him in the head with a hammer multiple times, according to the victim.
Simmons transported himself to the hospital and was treated for a fractured cheek bone and head contusions.
CPD continued to investigate the alleged assault. An artist rendition of the attacker is shown below:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)