I sometimes listen to Radio Disney when the kids are not in the car.
X is for X-Ray - M is for Mutation
Greg and I were going over a reading worksheet from his kindergarten class. I noticed that the hand in the x-ray photo looked odd.
Luckily they are only teaching him to read and not about biology.
(Hint: Count the fingers.)
Luckily they are only teaching him to read and not about biology.
(Hint: Count the fingers.)
Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s
It is not very hard to believe that Skully's Music Diner has been hosting the ghost of Mean Mr. Mustards in the form of Ladies 80's Night since 2001. We started going to Ladies 80’s night on Thursdays in the 2nd year and have been pretty faithful ever since. It used to be that we’d go twice a month. Then once a month. Then once every two months. Now it's twice a year. But we still go.
Dave and Freckled Jenn and I always try to go together. Sometimes other friends will go. Sometimes it’s just Dave and I. Sometime I go alone, but that is another tale.
Here is our Thursday night routine:
0. Dress
I wrote all the stuff below first and realized I left out “dress” so I stuffed it up here as “0.” I hope you don’t mind. Skully’s is for dancing and that means comfortable shoes. I suggest Converse or a pair of sneakers that you don’t mind have spilled beer on the top and unknown sticky stuff on the bottom. You don’t have to wear 80’s clothes, but it doesn’t hurt. I usually wear something Homestar Runner.
1. Pre-drinks
Meet somewhere else and have some warm up beers. Sometimes we play darts. Sometimes we eat a snack. Sometimes we just vent and drink. Usually we try to find a bar that is close to the Short North so that we can convince our friends to join us once the short venture over.
2. Hem and Haw
Sometimes we aren’t exactly sure if we are going to go to Skully’s. We attempt to trick ourselves into thinking that we have families and jobs and that we shouldn't be out until early morning. Then we give in. We usually wait until about 11:00pm to head over. Midnight can come creeping up pretty quickly and we’ll stare across the table / down the bar from each other and ask, “Well? Do you want to go?” Sometimes one of us will just say, “Let’s go,” and we do. Sadly, sometimes we do just go home. But not this Thursday.
3. Park
There are several very close and secret places to park, but I’m not about to give those away. I suggest having Two-sack drive you so that you don’t have to drive yourself home.
4. Meet
Wait for everyone to arrive by the front bar. First one in buys a round of Miller Lite, the Skully’s beer of choice. When you get a tab, you need to give them your credit card and license. Don't act like a chump and question them on this. They give you a number that you show them every time you order a drink (which better be a lot.)
5. Scout
Check out the lay of the land in the front. See anyone you know? No you don’t, because they are at home with their spouses and kids. Walk to the back and see what kind of a night it is going to be. If it is 10:00pm and not crowded, do not fret.
6. Location Location Location
We have a spot on the dance floor. Our spot is to the left of the stage, five feet back and ten feet in from the wall. It’s close to a trash can and near to the patio exit. We also have an excellent view of the stage area where the magic happens.
7. Dance
I have two dances: hands up and hands down. I also spin a lot, especially during “If You Leave" by OMD or “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure.
8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.
9. Dance More and if not, Smoke
Keep dancing. When a crappy song comes on, walk out back and take a breather on the patio. The patio is good for smoking and people watching. I do a little of both.
10. Rinse and Repeat
Keep going until they kick you out around 2:15am. If you have a meeting the next day, it’s best to leave early at 2:10am so you can get some sleep. I have learned, to my utter sorrow, that I can no longer function the next day after a Skully’s night.
While you are at Skully’s on 80’s ladies night, there are several things that we do to pass the time. Some are obnoxious. Some are just plain stupid. We love them all.
A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.
B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)
- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)
- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)
- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)
- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)
- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)
- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)
- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang
C. Where’s the Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”
D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”
Don’t miss out. See you at Skully’s, this Thursday night around 11 or midnight. We’ll be in our spot.
Dave and Freckled Jenn and I always try to go together. Sometimes other friends will go. Sometimes it’s just Dave and I. Sometime I go alone, but that is another tale.
Here is our Thursday night routine:
0. Dress
I wrote all the stuff below first and realized I left out “dress” so I stuffed it up here as “0.” I hope you don’t mind. Skully’s is for dancing and that means comfortable shoes. I suggest Converse or a pair of sneakers that you don’t mind have spilled beer on the top and unknown sticky stuff on the bottom. You don’t have to wear 80’s clothes, but it doesn’t hurt. I usually wear something Homestar Runner.
1. Pre-drinks
Meet somewhere else and have some warm up beers. Sometimes we play darts. Sometimes we eat a snack. Sometimes we just vent and drink. Usually we try to find a bar that is close to the Short North so that we can convince our friends to join us once the short venture over.
2. Hem and Haw
Sometimes we aren’t exactly sure if we are going to go to Skully’s. We attempt to trick ourselves into thinking that we have families and jobs and that we shouldn't be out until early morning. Then we give in. We usually wait until about 11:00pm to head over. Midnight can come creeping up pretty quickly and we’ll stare across the table / down the bar from each other and ask, “Well? Do you want to go?” Sometimes one of us will just say, “Let’s go,” and we do. Sadly, sometimes we do just go home. But not this Thursday.
3. Park
There are several very close and secret places to park, but I’m not about to give those away. I suggest having Two-sack drive you so that you don’t have to drive yourself home.
4. Meet
Wait for everyone to arrive by the front bar. First one in buys a round of Miller Lite, the Skully’s beer of choice. When you get a tab, you need to give them your credit card and license. Don't act like a chump and question them on this. They give you a number that you show them every time you order a drink (which better be a lot.)
5. Scout
Check out the lay of the land in the front. See anyone you know? No you don’t, because they are at home with their spouses and kids. Walk to the back and see what kind of a night it is going to be. If it is 10:00pm and not crowded, do not fret.
6. Location Location Location
We have a spot on the dance floor. Our spot is to the left of the stage, five feet back and ten feet in from the wall. It’s close to a trash can and near to the patio exit. We also have an excellent view of the stage area where the magic happens.
7. Dance
I have two dances: hands up and hands down. I also spin a lot, especially during “If You Leave" by OMD or “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure.
8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.
9. Dance More and if not, Smoke
Keep dancing. When a crappy song comes on, walk out back and take a breather on the patio. The patio is good for smoking and people watching. I do a little of both.
10. Rinse and Repeat
Keep going until they kick you out around 2:15am. If you have a meeting the next day, it’s best to leave early at 2:10am so you can get some sleep. I have learned, to my utter sorrow, that I can no longer function the next day after a Skully’s night.
While you are at Skully’s on 80’s ladies night, there are several things that we do to pass the time. Some are obnoxious. Some are just plain stupid. We love them all.
A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.
B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)
- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)
- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)
- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)
- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)
- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)
- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)
- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang
C. Where’s the Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”
D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”
Don’t miss out. See you at Skully’s, this Thursday night around 11 or midnight. We’ll be in our spot.
Palin Preparing to Run for President in 2009
PROLIFIA, ALASKA- On an unusually warm day in Alaska, Governor Sarah Palin announced that she will be running for the office of the President of the United States. In 2009. Governor Palin thanked the crowd of over 350 and also thanked God for the pleasant weather, “It’s good to see the Lord is with us today. I’m not sure where He was last Tuesday, but who am I to question His ways?”
Governor Palin spoke very briefly about the failed McCain campaign and that there
was not a lot of time to “mess around” which is why she is seeking the office for 2009. “We cannot waste any time while Barack Hussein Obama shoves these United States of America down the crapper. This is why I will be running for President of the United States in 2009.”
Attempts to share with Governor Palin that the election will not be held until 2012 were met with mild amusement from the Governor, “The McCain people tried to tell me the same thing, but we are gonna push on forward and never wave the white flag of surrender.”
The Ex-Vice Presidential candidate shook hands with the crowd and signed autographs. Governor Palin then descended upon a thrift shop where she purchased
$15.25 worth of clothes. “Enough for the whole campaign!” The thrifty Governor Palin requested that her fans re-use the 2008 campaign signs, “Just cross out McCain and turn the 8 into a 9. We use that trick when filling our travel vouchers at the Governor’s mansion.”
When asked about a running partner and she quickly replied, “You media types can’t trick me this time! We’ve decided not to reveal my running mate until three days before the election so that we can ride the surge in the polls through the voting day stuff.”
Governor Palin spoke very briefly about the failed McCain campaign and that there
was not a lot of time to “mess around” which is why she is seeking the office for 2009. “We cannot waste any time while Barack Hussein Obama shoves these United States of America down the crapper. This is why I will be running for President of the United States in 2009.”Attempts to share with Governor Palin that the election will not be held until 2012 were met with mild amusement from the Governor, “The McCain people tried to tell me the same thing, but we are gonna push on forward and never wave the white flag of surrender.”
The Ex-Vice Presidential candidate shook hands with the crowd and signed autographs. Governor Palin then descended upon a thrift shop where she purchased
$15.25 worth of clothes. “Enough for the whole campaign!” The thrifty Governor Palin requested that her fans re-use the 2008 campaign signs, “Just cross out McCain and turn the 8 into a 9. We use that trick when filling our travel vouchers at the Governor’s mansion.” When asked about a running partner and she quickly replied, “You media types can’t trick me this time! We’ve decided not to reveal my running mate until three days before the election so that we can ride the surge in the polls through the voting day stuff.”
How to Fake an Orgasm
Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.
1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”
2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.
3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.
4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.
5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.
1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”
2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.
3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.
4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.
5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.
GOP confident in scheme to dupe Dems with election day switch
COLUMBUS, OH – There were rounds of high fives and chest bumps at an undisclosed Republican office this Monday night. They were celebrating a successful viral attack on local Democrats. Mr. R (not his real name) was beaming with pride, “We got word from the HQ that we were to do everything possible to get McCain elected. We think we pretty much nailed it.”
Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.
Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”
Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.
Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”
Porn Star Parking (SFW)
We saw this handicapped parking space at a local restaurant yesterday.
Thanks to Conny, we now know what it is for.
Thanks to Keegan for the photo.
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