Time Travel Photo Fix

I got this e-mail from a reader:

Hello HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me out. A few weeks ago, I took this photo at my daughter's seventh birthday. To my embarrassment, the 7 is backwards in the photo.

Anyway you can fix this for me?

Thanks,

Tina

Here is the photo in question.


Dear Tina,

I think I can help you. Sadly, my pirated version of CorelDRAW is locked up and I cannot shop it for you.

BUT! My time machine is working. I'll just go back in time to a right before the photo is taken and turn it for you. Hold on just a minute...

OK, I'm back! Sorry that took so long. I stuck a round a few extra days and took a little vacation in the past. While there, I went all the way back to June to fix a little drunken incident at a party in Chicago. I'm sure no one will mind. Here is the photo!



Take care!

HolyJuan

Margot and the Nuclear So and So's on Conan O'Brien

Love this band. I also love the Back Piano.

Ask HolyJuan: Itch that Needs a Scratch

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m hoping you can help me out with a relationship issue.

I just recently got out of a long term relationship and am playing the field. I have recently started to date a guy, but it is not serious yet. I do not think I am ready to jump back into a heavy relationship, but I also have an itch that needs a scratch.

Is it OK to have sex with this new guy I’m dating or would you suggest something else?

Thanks,

Cindy

PS And no, the itch is not an STD… it means I want to get laid.


Dear Cindy,

Hey, is that itch you have crabs? (I know, but I had to say it anyways.)

Listen Cindy, you sound like a nice girl, especially when you say you want to get laid. But I think you are heading down the same path of your previous relationship. If you are dating a guy and then work into sex, you form a bond and that leads to exclusive dating and next thing you know you are picking out flowers and a photographer.

You want sexual relief without the relationship? Here are a few options:

1. Go Gay
Maybe what you need is an experimental weekend to curb your enthusiasm. I suggest getting all dressed up, hitting a club you do not often frequent, picking out a girl that is just slightly hotter than you and buying her a drink. This doesn’t work for guys, but somehow works for girls. Dance with her. Make the first move. Make out a bit to “tease the boys.” Then whisper those oh so lovely words, “Let’s go back to your place.” Jump, chomp and the deed is done. Do not take her back to your place, because if she is a true lesbian, she might try to move in the next day.

2. Go Old
Find a nice, older guy (say 38 years old) and let him buy you stuff and bang you. Old guys are good at that. They also last forever in the sack, due to the medicine they take to get it up. By banging a geezer, you get free stuff, you get laid and the guy will probably die of old age before you fall in love with him. If he starts pawing on you and wanting to have a deeper relationship, threaten to tell his wife and boil his kids’ rabbit.

3. Find a Friend
Nothing is better than friends who have non-committal sex. This way, you all ready have the relationship thing out of the way. You pretty much know your friend and can predict the outcomes. And also your friend probably all ready wants to nail you because guys cannot be friends with girls without wanting to have sex with them. So look around and if you see a guy that is a friend, I highly suggest you have sex with him.

Some people are born into their careers

I'm guessing his middle name is Ken.

Jesus Takes a Shower

Please scroll down to see all three panels.

Obama Withdraws Clinton Secretary of State Offer

CHICAGO, IL – Speaking to a crowd of reporters this evening near President Elect Barack Obama’s office, Robert Gibbs announced that Obama was recanting his appointment of the Secretary of State position to Hillary Clinton. “We are disappointed to announce that due to a clerical error we must withdraw the offer of the position.”

All this week, Washington has been abuzz with the prospect of once opponent Clinton becoming one of the highest regarded positions in the new administration. Obama has repeatedly waved off speculation about the appointment by saying, “I do not believe this to be a very big deal.”

But earlier today during a Q&A session with the President Elect, it seemed that reporters pressing for more information about the Secretary of State appointment caused Obama a bit of pause and he called Robert Gibbs over for a private meeting. Hours after the meeting, Gibbs made the announcement that the position is still open. “It seems that when President Elect Obama was asked to think about what role he wanted Hillary to take on in his administration, he wrote down the position on a piece of paper and handed it off to an aide. The aide misunderstood what was written on the paper and we apologize for the confusion it might have caused.”

Our sources were able to dig the discarded piece of paper from the Presidential Elect Official Recycling Bin. The contents of the note are shown below.

Reddit Thumbnail Photo Fail

The Reddit thumbnail photo system needs some massaging.

Bedroom Political Systems

Morning Math

A Clintonista Apologizes

A few months ago, I had an internet tussle with a Clintonista. (If you are not aware, a Clintonista is like a pitbull without lipstick.) You can see the comments here: http://clintonista.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/what-hillary-clintons-impressive-pennsylvania-win-means/#comments

During our little debate, this Clintonista said that she would offer up an apology if Obama won the election.

Well, as you can guess, I have not heard from her.

So instead, I've written the apology letter for her:

Dear HolyJuan,

As I promised, here is my apology.

I am sorry for criticizing you when it turned out that you were right and I was wrong.

I am sorry for turning my back on the Democratic Party.

I am sorry for any hurt feelings I may have caused any Obama supporters by blindly supporting McCain when Hillary was defeated in the primaries.

I am sorry that I doubted Barack Obama. My love for Hillary Clinton was absolute and I had to blame someone for her loss.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Obama for throwing Clinton a bone and making Hillary Secretary of State.

HolyJuan, you might not be the most handsome man in the world, but I respect you and your opinion and maybe someday I will earn your respect.

Your (hopefully someday) friend,

A Clintonista


Wow! Very nice.

Here is my reply:

Dear A Clintonista,

You can take your stinking apology and shove it. The election is over and I could care less about you and your horrific opinions.

Good Day,

HolyJuan

PS I will still read your site everyday!! I love it!