Chair for sale in Chicago

The best part about Chicago is that you can find some really great deals on furniture! While in Chicago, I was surfing on Craig's List and found the following computer chair:

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/fuo/1101522530.html

The description:
A wonderful post modern, computer chair. NOT FROM IKEA.

I will part with this chair for $2000 or higher.

You cannot pick this chair up. I must drop it off at your location.

Note: you may not sit in the chair until you buy it. I will sit in the chair for you and tell you how it feels.

Right arm suggests the confluent state of the economy. The left arm represents the whole of the ego.

Free paper towels with purchase.

Cash only. No questions.


Photos:





I'm hoping the seller will drive it down to Columbus.

Made up internet statistics up 78%

COLUMBUS-(HJ) Made up internet statistics are up a staggering 78% over the past six months, reported researchers from The Ohio University School of Internet Studies. Professor Mars Alex has seen a steady rise since the initial 22% decline of fictional statistics subsequent the elections. “Usually we notice a 10% – 15% drop in made up statistics, but 33% of the researchers took 50% of the case studies and determined the increase. We’re 99% sure this is for real.”

Polling during elections makes up for most the discrepancies, though polls from opposing sides tend to cancel each other out. This year, fictional statistics have had a 180% turn around. “We expected to see less fake statistics with the new administration, but they’ve continued the recent trend. Internet Scientists were disappointed at the new GOP “budget” that had no statistics whatsoever. “It’s tough to make up fake numbers when the budget doesn’t have any numbers at all.” Republicans promisied 100% more numbers and a much greater percentage of fabricated statistics in their Budget 2.0.

Reasons for the increase of made up statistics are, of course, blamed on the economy. Professor Alex suggests, “No matter what the economy's doing, we’re right most the time, give or take 35%.”

The Official Kit Peery Bike Shirt

My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com is a tribute to my friend Kit:

holyjuan-kit-peery-s-bike-shirt

Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/kit-peery-s-bike-shirt.

The old man note

While in Chicago this weekend, Eric shared with us a story about this note:


Eric was seeking a parking spot in downtown Chicago. When he found one, he stopped and attempted to back up. The guy behind him didn't like the way he hit his brakes and pulled up next to Eric to exchange words. Eric said the dude was probably in his 50s. Eric may have called him a motherfucker and finished parking.

When he came out to his car he found this note. (I smeared out Eric's license plate number which was written at the top.) It looks like it was written by a 70 year old man telling you to get off his yard.

I think the part that ticked off Eric the most was being called "Suburb Boy."

Kit Paints

I think the lesson here is never leave Kit alone with a can of paint and a brush.


Oh. And when Kit asks about the bike shirt, just say, "Yeah, I saw it in a shop in the Loop."

Unemployed stuff to do list - I got dicked

I saw one of my posts strewn across the internet today. Sadly, it was not linked back to my site and I didn't see much traffic because of it. Here is the original, original post that I made just for reddit.com:

To get rid of the reddit, I wrote on another sheet of steno pad "the internet", scanned it and cut n' paste on the list page.
OK, I forgot. I found the edit. I actually replaced the whole #8 listing.


And here is the post you see online all over the fucking place now. I didn't put a watermark of my website on it before and got burned so I'll leave it off again just to prove how stupid I am.

Ask HolyJuan: Who's hotter - Chelsea or Bristol?

Dear HolyJuan,

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?


Signed,

Sr. Blanco


P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?


Dear Senior Blanco,

Brilliant question, sir!

I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.

I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.

Now, on to my forte:

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?

Bristol Palin


Chelsea Clinton


I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.

Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:


All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.


You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.

So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.

Bristol Palin for the win!

How big is the hole in your bumper?

Freckled Jenn made a slight spacial error and backed her car into her husband's jeep. It left a hole in her bumper. I asked her how big the hole was. She said it was $800 big. I was curious as to how big $800 was so I did some scientific studies by filling the hole with mathematically proven, standard sized objects.


The following items:
2' long 2"x4" board
mostly empty Kroger Brand mouth wash
empty pack of beef jerky
mostly empty 16 oz Gatorade Bottle (Frost Flavor)
...fit nicely into the hole.



That's how big an $800 hole is. I left the objects in there so that Jenn would also know how big the hole was.

As it turns out, the back of Bobby's pick up truck is also $800 big because Jenn threw my measuring devices in the back of Bobby's truck.



Author's note: It seems that because Bobby was unaware of the $800 worth of measuring devices in his truck bed, he failed to secure them. There is now $400 worth of measuring devices along 315N somewhere between 70 and Lane Ave.

If you happen to see them, feel free to contact me for their return.

My Scrabble score

You'd never know it, but I love Scrabble. Here's my Scrabble name score:
Pholph's Scrabble Generator

My Scrabble© Score is: 21.
What is your score? Get it here.

Things I remember that make me old

I know what cc really stands for.
I remember the sweet, sweet smell of the mimeograph.
I know why we say “dial” a phone number or “turn” it to a certain television channel.
I’ve stood in line to play Dragon’s Lair. (and paid the $.50 premium.)
I always wanted to duel to Marathon candy bar Cowboy Guy in a candy bar duel.

And if not him, then the Hubba Bubba Cowboy (though he was a lot more fem.)
I’ve illegally copied music by holding a tape recorder up to an AM radio.
That you used to have to push record and play to get it to just record.
I’ve opened a new box of lawn jarts.
Opened a can of Spam with a key.
Opened a bank account with one dollar.
I know what a bank book is.
I know there used to be leaded gas.
Watermelon only came in the summer.
They used to whack kids with a paddle in school.
I was one of those kids. (4th grade and 7th grade)
There were silver coins still in circulation.
The local Dairy Queen had the first big bug zapper in town and people drove from miles around to watch it kill flies.
When you returned bottles, they sent them back to the factory to get refilled.
Breaking a thermometer in science class meant a half hour of cleaning fun for the whole class.

Five Worst Types of Wingman

Simply put, the wingman (or wingwoman) is there to ensure you get laid. They help find a suitable partner at a bar, they talk you up and then they know when to leave and/or take one for the team by banging the ugly friend.

Of course, then there are the wingmen that completely screw everything up.

The Married Wingman
married
No one is getting laid tonight.
If you have completed your wingman duties in the past, you may find that most your friends have found a partner, married and left you behind. Sadly, you must then make due with the married wingman, the saddest of all wingmen. Sad in part because they are looking to find you a good partner instead of a good lay. This causes them to pass over some of the better catches in favor of something a bit more attainable. You’ll also find that the married wingman has marriage regret and will just get angry around potential lays, especially when instead of getting laid with the other girl he has to possibly sit up all night with her and “talk one for the team.” As this is not desirable, he’ll fake a call from the wife and head home early, leaving you to fend for yourself.


The Puker
This is the wingman that forgets to drink a lot less than you. Just when things get interesting, he pukes on your target’s shoes. Either that or he does make it to the bathroom, but reeks of vomit and chases any potential birds off. Girls are nicer and will at least hold their wingwoman’s hair while she reverse yawns in the stall. After puking, no wingperson can make a full recovery and it’s best to call it a night.

The “Making Sure Everything is All Right” Wingwoman
pull away
"Time to go!"
There is nothing worse than a wing that does not know their duty. This one falls under the wingwoman category more than it does guys. While a girl is chatting it up, her wingwoman swoops in and drops a, “Just checking in and, hey, Blahblahblah is here and wanted to say hello,” while pulling at her arm. Maybe later she interrupts and mentions that the two girls haven’t had a chance to talk all night. There is nothing more annoying than a wingwoman not only neglecting her duties, but keeping a girl from potential hook ups.

The Bait and Switch Wingman
The classic wingman failure. It’s the end of the night and the man has found a girl and the girl has a friend, but your wingman is there for you. The wingman is getting ready to take one for the team when he pulls the man off to the side and says, “Hey, I like girl A better. How’s about a switch and you take girl B?” If you say no, the wingman gets pissed and bails, leaving you with a pissed off B and an A that needs to walk her home. If you say yes, the girls will pick up on this and diss you both. The Bait and Switch is a no win situation.

The Cock Blocking Wingman
The night has gone great. The man has found the girl with the wingman’s help, the wingman has talked the man up and he’s prepared to take one for the team and be with Girl B. The night is ending and they all make plans to get one last drink before heading home. The man heads to the bathroom and on his way back, notices that he wingman is deep in conversation with Girl A. As he approaches, wingman holds his arm out and blocks the man from the last bit of the conversation. The Girl A's mouth is wide open in surprise and she backs away. In less than two minutes, both girls pack up and leave after revealing that wingman wanted to sneak out with the man’s girl. In one fell swoop he has ruined everyone’s evening. You try to explain but the chick just punches you in the face for hanging out with such an asshole.
punch in the face
Thanks, wingman.

I found your wrench

Several of these concrete benches line the driveway in front of my office. If you lost a wrench, I think I have found it.
IMG_6533
IMG_6532
IMG_6532 cu
The concrete around the wrench is starting to chip away. I'm sure that just the tips were visible in the recent past.

Jesus... that's morbid (explained)

I have received a surprising number of e-mails concerning the "Jesus... that's morbid" cartoon asking me what the fuck is going on with it. Here is the comic in question:


And here is an explanation:


He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!

Staff Pick o' the Month at Skreened

Daniel at Skreened picked my "I am a genus" t-shirt as one of his favorites this month.

Someday, I might actually sell a freaking shirt. Well, a second shirt. (Thanks, Jenn!)

A treesome

The tree in the middle looks to be the male. He also looks to be circumcised.

Image from American Bushman.

Cheese, Egg and Pancake Sandwich

Greg was hooked on the McGriddle and we couldn't afford his habit. A month in the St. Bernice of the Heathen Springs Rehab got the toxins out of his system, but the boy still craves the carbs and cholesterol.

So now we make the Cheese, Egg and Pancake sandwich. It's cheap, easy and takes less than three minutes.

You'll need:
IMG_6481
2 Frozen Pancakes (or one bagel)
Egg
cheese
bowl (soufflé cup for bagels)
non-stick spray

Stack the frozen pancakes and microwave for 55 seconds.
IMG_6484

While they are nuking, spray the bowl with non-stick spray. Add one egg in the bowl.
IMG_6487

Beat the egg until it reveals the secret hideout.
IMG_6488

Remove the pancakes from the microwave. I separate them so they begin to cool.
IMG_6489

Nuke the egg for 20 seconds. It will still be a bit runny.
IMG_6492

Add a godawful amount of cheese.
IMG_6493

Cook for 20 - 25 seconds until the cheese is melted.
IMG_6495

Use fork to help slide the melty goodness on to the pancake.
IMG_6496

I leave the pancakes apart until Greg saddles up to eat it, otherwise the top pancake traps the heat on the inside and it remains too hot to eat for way too long.

Greg Eats
IMG_6505

BONUS!

You can also make an egg and cheese bagel using the same method. Instead of a bowl, use a soufflé dish or otherwise the egg will spillover out the sides of the bagel.
IMG_6497

Follow all the same steps except you might want to toast your bagel. The cheese may take a bit longer to melt in the more narrow confines of the soufflé dish.
IMG_6500

Pro-Tip: Put 1/2 the bagel insides down on the inside the soufflé dish and turn upside down instead of trying to pull the egg and cheese goodness out.
IMG_6501

Flip!
IMG_6502

Top it and admire your work.
IMG_6504

HolyJuan Eats
IMG_6506

SUPER BONUS
Watch the nuclear abomination that is formed when egg, cheese and microwaves meet.