Chair for sale in Chicago

The best part about Chicago is that you can find some really great deals on furniture! While in Chicago, I was surfing on Craig's List and found the following computer chair:

The description:
A wonderful post modern, computer chair. NOT FROM IKEA.

I will part with this chair for $2000 or higher.

You cannot pick this chair up. I must drop it off at your location.

Note: you may not sit in the chair until you buy it. I will sit in the chair for you and tell you how it feels.

Right arm suggests the confluent state of the economy. The left arm represents the whole of the ego.

Free paper towels with purchase.

Cash only. No questions.


I'm hoping the seller will drive it down to Columbus.

Made up internet statistics up 78%

COLUMBUS-(HJ) Made up internet statistics are up a staggering 78% over the past six months, reported researchers from The Ohio University School of Internet Studies. Professor Mars Alex has seen a steady rise since the initial 22% decline of fictional statistics subsequent the elections. “Usually we notice a 10% – 15% drop in made up statistics, but 33% of the researchers took 50% of the case studies and determined the increase. We’re 99% sure this is for real.”

Polling during elections makes up for most the discrepancies, though polls from opposing sides tend to cancel each other out. This year, fictional statistics have had a 180% turn around. “We expected to see less fake statistics with the new administration, but they’ve continued the recent trend. Internet Scientists were disappointed at the new GOP “budget” that had no statistics whatsoever. “It’s tough to make up fake numbers when the budget doesn’t have any numbers at all.” Republicans promisied 100% more numbers and a much greater percentage of fabricated statistics in their Budget 2.0.

Reasons for the increase of made up statistics are, of course, blamed on the economy. Professor Alex suggests, “No matter what the economy's doing, we’re right most the time, give or take 35%.”

The Official Kit Peery Bike Shirt

My newest t-shirt design at is a tribute to my friend Kit:


Check it out at

The old man note

While in Chicago this weekend, Eric shared with us a story about this note:

Eric was seeking a parking spot in downtown Chicago. When he found one, he stopped and attempted to back up. The guy behind him didn't like the way he hit his brakes and pulled up next to Eric to exchange words. Eric said the dude was probably in his 50s. Eric may have called him a motherfucker and finished parking.

When he came out to his car he found this note. (I smeared out Eric's license plate number which was written at the top.) It looks like it was written by a 70 year old man telling you to get off his yard.

I think the part that ticked off Eric the most was being called "Suburb Boy."

Kit Paints

I think the lesson here is never leave Kit alone with a can of paint and a brush.

Oh. And when Kit asks about the bike shirt, just say, "Yeah, I saw it in a shop in the Loop."

Ask HolyJuan: Who's hotter - Chelsea or Bristol?

Dear HolyJuan,

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?


Sr. Blanco

P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?

Dear Senior Blanco,

Brilliant question, sir!

I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.

I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.

Now, on to my forte:

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?

Bristol Palin

Chelsea Clinton

I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.

Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:

All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.

You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.

So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.

Bristol Palin for the win!

How big is the hole in your bumper?

Freckled Jenn made a slight spacial error and backed her car into her husband's jeep. It left a hole in her bumper. I asked her how big the hole was. She said it was $800 big. I was curious as to how big $800 was so I did some scientific studies by filling the hole with mathematically proven, standard sized objects.

The following items:
2' long 2"x4" board
mostly empty Kroger Brand mouth wash
empty pack of beef jerky
mostly empty 16 oz Gatorade Bottle (Frost Flavor) nicely into the hole.

That's how big an $800 hole is. I left the objects in there so that Jenn would also know how big the hole was.

As it turns out, the back of Bobby's pick up truck is also $800 big because Jenn threw my measuring devices in the back of Bobby's truck.

Author's note: It seems that because Bobby was unaware of the $800 worth of measuring devices in his truck bed, he failed to secure them. There is now $400 worth of measuring devices along 315N somewhere between 70 and Lane Ave.

If you happen to see them, feel free to contact me for their return.

My Scrabble score

You'd never know it, but I love Scrabble. Here's my Scrabble name score:
Pholph's Scrabble Generator

My Scrabble© Score is: 21.
What is your score? Get it here.

I found your wrench

Several of these concrete benches line the driveway in front of my office. If you lost a wrench, I think I have found it.
IMG_6532 cu
The concrete around the wrench is starting to chip away. I'm sure that just the tips were visible in the recent past.

Jesus... that's morbid (explained)

I have received a surprising number of e-mails concerning the "Jesus... that's morbid" cartoon asking me what the fuck is going on with it. Here is the comic in question:

And here is an explanation:

He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!

Staff Pick o' the Month at Skreened

Daniel at Skreened picked my "I am a genus" t-shirt as one of his favorites this month.

Someday, I might actually sell a freaking shirt. Well, a second shirt. (Thanks, Jenn!)

A treesome

The tree in the middle looks to be the male. He also looks to be circumcised.

Image from American Bushman.

Cheese, Egg and Pancake Sandwich

Greg was hooked on the McGriddle and we couldn't afford his habit. A month in the St. Bernice of the Heathen Springs Rehab got the toxins out of his system, but the boy still craves the carbs and cholesterol.

So now we make the Cheese, Egg and Pancake sandwich. It's cheap, easy and takes less than three minutes.

You'll need:
2 Frozen Pancakes (or one bagel)
bowl (soufflé cup for bagels)
non-stick spray

Stack the frozen pancakes and microwave for 55 seconds.

While they are nuking, spray the bowl with non-stick spray. Add one egg in the bowl.

Beat the egg until it reveals the secret hideout.

Remove the pancakes from the microwave. I separate them so they begin to cool.

Nuke the egg for 20 seconds. It will still be a bit runny.

Add a godawful amount of cheese.

Cook for 20 - 25 seconds until the cheese is melted.

Use fork to help slide the melty goodness on to the pancake.

I leave the pancakes apart until Greg saddles up to eat it, otherwise the top pancake traps the heat on the inside and it remains too hot to eat for way too long.

Greg Eats


You can also make an egg and cheese bagel using the same method. Instead of a bowl, use a soufflé dish or otherwise the egg will spillover out the sides of the bagel.

Follow all the same steps except you might want to toast your bagel. The cheese may take a bit longer to melt in the more narrow confines of the soufflé dish.

Pro-Tip: Put 1/2 the bagel insides down on the inside the soufflé dish and turn upside down instead of trying to pull the egg and cheese goodness out.


Top it and admire your work.

HolyJuan Eats

Watch the nuclear abomination that is formed when egg, cheese and microwaves meet.