Turn about is fair play for McCain


Empty, originally uploaded by berik.

You may have heard the rumor that Obama kicked three reporters off his campaign jet to make room for a few other media types. The three he kicked off came from newspapers who endorsed McCain.

McCain announced that he, too, was going to remove all the reporters from his campaign jet that came from media outlets that endorsed Obama.

You can see the results.

The Crunchie

A crunchie is a collection of congealed, random deep fryer particles that gather together over several rounds of fast food fries, fish bits, nuggets or cheese sticks and somehow gain buoyancy and are set free once they are big enough to get stuck in the small metal openings of the wire basket.

This crunchie managed to make it past Quality Control person #13 at the local Arby's.



The penny is not there to help you determine the size of the crunchie, but rather to make you think about which would be healthier to swallow.

Anyone got any photographic evidence of a larger crunchie or should I send this photo off to Guinness World Records?

Screenshot of John McCain's 1/2 hour infomercial

Sarah Palin chooses “Joe the Plumber” as her Vice Vice President

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (HJN) – In an unprecedented turn of events, Governor Sarah Palin has announced that “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher will be running as her Vice Vice President in the 2008 Election. The announcement came shortly after her three hour deposition to the state Personnel Board, which is looking into whether she unfairly fired Alaska's public safety director this summer.

Surrounded by her family and the Wurzelbacher family, Governor Palin made the announcement at a planned, impromptu press conference, “I think that any true American would be just as proud as all get out to have “Joe the Plumber” as their Vice Vice President."

When questioned about the role of the Vice Vice President, Governor Palin was keen to reply, “Cleaning up Washington is gonna take a lot of work and elbow grease. While John is off killing the terrorists and while I am running the Senate and the House, and my VVP “Joe the Plumber” will be in DC, unclogging the pipes of democracy.”

A press release later announced in detail some more of his official roles:
Captain of the Post Office
Leader of Highway Making
National Park Lumberjack Boss
Coast Guard Person Man
Todd Palin #1 Drinking Buddy East of the Mississippi

“Joe The Plumber” was a bit taken back by all the attention, “It all happened kind of fast. I was working on my 03’ taxes when a bunch of really nice guys in suits came in and asked me sports trivia questions for about an hour. Sarah said it sounded rough and that her vetting only lasted half as long.”

Directly after the press conference, Governor Palin was overheard discussing the Vice Vice President position with a reporter who was questioning the validity of a Vice President creating the role of Vice Vice President. She happily replied, “Listen silly goose, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past eight years, it’s that the Vice President can pretty much do what ever they want.”

HolyJuan's YankFest Marathon Weekend and a new site partner!

Hello Loyal Readers,

As you all know, this weekend’s “HolyJuan's YankFest Marathon” will be a mastabatorial frenzy of self gratification. During this 48 hour self-manipulating tug and toss, we hope to get at least 80 readers to unleash their inner seed(s). I saw that KY stock went up 15% on the news of this impending, self wankifying event.

While every male is covering his belly in creamy man-onnaise and all the girls are writhing in self glory, I’d like to let you know that we have a new site partner. WELCOME ABOARD TABUP.COM!!

I’m not sure what tabup.com is, but the guy e-mailed me and asked if I could promote his product. I’m guessing he blindly searched the internet and found my site and sent me an e-mail without really doing any site research.

The e-mail he sent said that his product will “strengthen group interaction” so I’m guessing that it will help when two or more of you are enjoying each other’s loins.

So, while you are all giving yourself a raise this weekend, think about me and think about tabup.com –

I’d also like you all to remember not to randomly send out e-mails asking to be promoted on a site that you don’t read.

Man annoyed that his Ron Paul 2008 yard sign has not been stolen

WESTERVILLE, OH - This election has not been working out as planned for John Laughlin of Westerville, Ohio. “I voted for Paul in the primaries. When that didn’t stick, we started a write-in campaign for Ron. My yard sign has been proudly displayed for thirty two weeks now and I haven’t had one theft yet. It’s a bit discouraging”

The sign is displayed prominently in Laughlin’s yard on a busy side street. He guided me through some of his defenses. “I spent $150 on motion detectors and $75 on extra cable for my webcam.” His plan to capture possible thieves in the act has gone unexecuted. “I’ve got the sign pulled up so that getting it out of the ground would not take much effort.”

While Obama and McCain supporters in the neighborhood point fingers at each other concerning a recent string of sign thefts, Mr. Laughlin shakes his head. “I thought I would be out here every day chasing off Freedom Naysayers. Instead, these other two clowns get all the sign theft press. Hell, even the Peterson's 'Elect Nader' sign got knocked over at least once."

Like any Ron Paul supporter, Mr. Laughlin is very positive, “There’s always 2012! I just have to edit the existing 2012 signs I had made up to get rid of the ‘Re-Elect’ to just read ‘Elect.’”

Miss Sally and Doug - Halloween 2008

I got a call from Miss Sally on Friday. I was in a meeting, so I let it go to voice mail. A minute later, she called back. As you know, this is couples' secret code for "THIS IS IMPORTANT" so I made my leave and ducked into the hallway to answer the call.

"I'm at Target and I am looking at costumes."

It was an important call!

"What did you find?"

"Costumes from 'The Learning Channel.'"

I asked, "You mean like lion and tiger Learning Channel costumes?"

"No. From the Miami Ink line. Tattooed chick and dude costumes."

"Buy them. Buy them now."

So here we are:

Miss Sally and Doug with a slightly concerned Anne.




Greg is excited that mom and dad are free thinkers.




The prim and proper Miss Sally downs her Jell-o shot with a fork.



I stood too close to the fire and my tattoo shirt permanently melted on to my skin.

New Corporate Branding

Our company is trying some new Branding and changing our work attire is one method of creating a new look and feel.

I was asked to try out the new uniform. I think it looks awesome.


The colors represent sincerity, allegiance and fortitude.


The shirt also keeps my bra flab minimized while increasing the girth of my pipes.

Elementary School Teaching American Children English… With a British Accent!

LANCASTER, OH - Tallmadge Elementary in Lancaster, Ohio is a very normal Midwestern grade school: there's a flag pole, kids running around on the playground, a cafeteria that smells a little like Johnny-Marzetti and a whole generation of children learning the Queen's English. And when I say Queen's English, I mean with the British accent, right-o!

Harken Stackmore is the 3rd grade English teacher and teaches the children Received Pronunciation or as you and I might call it, British Accent English. (Read Mr. Stackmore's quotes with a British accent for full effect.) "The children are marvelous pupils and have accepted learning proper English not only in a grammatical sense, but with a British flair as well." When asked why teach and enforce a British accent, Mr. Stackmore was very clear, "A British accent sounds more intelligent that the standard American accent. These Midwesterns run their e's and o's together and add extra syllables where none should exist. I'm not only making them smarter… I'm making them sound smarter."

Principal Harvey Rogers agrees with Harken Stackmore, "When I watch an infomercial on the T.V., I tend to think the British people sound smarter. I'm more likely to buy from one or vote on American Idol for whoever the British person says to." When the program started, Principal Rogers was a bit doubtful, "I didn't think it was gonna work, but when I heard a nine year old girl talking in an accent about her 'pleats and whatnot' I was sold."

Local parents are still a little unsure. Marion Rents' son, Bill, is in the fourth grade and into his second year of British English, "Bill says stuff and I can't understand him sometimes. Of course, before the class, he said a lot of stuff I didn't understand much neither." Her husband was a little less critical, "He sounds like a military officer from the movies. I think it's cool." Bill did not have much to say except, "I like it. I like it a lot."

Mr. Stackmore teaches his style of Queen's English in three parts. He explained, "Part one involves re-learning pronunciation of the alphabet. This is accomplished by watching the film 'Mary Poppins' over and again. Part two is sub-divided into common British phrases and learning how to be embarrassed easily. Part three is comprised of slang, cockney insults and talking about how much better we British are than the rest of the world."

While Mr. Stackmore continues his classes and guiding the other teachers on British pronunciation and gestures, he hopes that someday his methods will spread throughout Ohio and the United States, "The colonies could use a good verbal scrubbing. And I've got the oratory brush to do it. Look, I have no choice but to acknowledge Britain's diminished status in the world. But, I'm trying to do my part for Queen and country. While we Brits can no longer say 'The Sun Never Sets on the British Empire,' I'm hoping that we can at least say that 'The Sun Never Sets on the British Accent.' Cheerio, Governor."

Fake News Stories to be Made Illegal

Washington(AP) Another casualty of the financial crisis might be that the Untied States Congress has lost its funny bone. A bill introduced yesterday by Rex Bauman (D) Ohio would make fake news stories illegal and punishable by a fine of $1,000 with up to six months in prison. Representative Bauman stated, “These false news stories are as dangerous as rumor and vicious as libel. Recently, I was fooled into believing that Blackwater security forces were kicking people out of their homes in Chicago. A few angry phone calls later, I found out that this was just a fake new story. This is just wrong.”

Some online publications like The Onion and BBSpot thrive on satirical news stories. Lewis Holloway from The Onion stated that, “No one could ever think this shit was real. That was until about three years ago when the actual news started catching up with our articles from five years ago.” Lewis brought out a number of articles that his publication created in the past that have now become reality. May 2000 “Fuck It, Let’s Invade Iraq” and December 2004 “Black Dude says, ‘Shit, If This A-hole Can Be President, Why Can’t I?’”

Many people assume that the news that they read on the internet is true or at least grounded in fact. The Pew Research Center finished a study that found most people believe just about anything when a credible news source like Associated Press or The Pew Research Center is mentioned. “It’s a vicious cycle. News stories about fake news stories are then parodied and no one knows where the truth begins and satire ends. Pretty soon, quotes are not being associated with an actual person and nothing you read can be trusted.”

By this journalist’s account, there are currently two fake news stories on CNN alone with three on MSNBC, two on CSPAN and one hundred and eighty two on The Fox News Network. Representative Bauman summed it up quite nicely when he said, “I’m pretty sure that I’ll be quoted in some fake news story in the next week or two and no one will know the better.”

Scam

Hello! You've reached this page because you did a search for one of the following people who are running a scam. Do not believe anything these people say.

Remember, nothing is free.

I'll keep this updated with my scam names and e-mail addresses.


Justice Ministry
Probate Registry Dept
Chancery Division, Strand
WC2ALL Central London
United Kingdom.
E-mail : probatedivision1@london.com
Tel: +44 702 403 6756
Fax: +44 709 285 8742

Probate Registrar,
Justice Ministry, London,
United Kingdom.

JOHNSON & LOWRY CHAMBERS:
BARRISTER DANIEL AMEN
Tel: +44 704 570 1343
+44 703 195 9969
Fax: +44 700 592 1653
E-mail: johnsonandlowrychambers@live.co.uk
Address:7 Pilgrim Street London EC4V 6LB United Kingdom

George W Bush list of things to do during the last days

list of things to do final

Another wonderful bumper sticker from a McCain supporter



I couldn't believe this bumper sticker when I saw it. I was hoping that I was misreading it somehow.

I wasn't.

**edit**
That photo kinda looked photoshoppy so here is another shot of it. (Click to enlarge.)

Erik Eats Ribon Milk Soft Candy: Solid Udder Squirt Yum Snack Taste with Surprise

Erik was very hungry today, but he was also very thirsty. He desired a healthy food, but a sugary snack. He wanted a full belly, but also a way to straighten his bent spine. Is there any snack out there that can suffice?

YES!!

Ribon Milk Soft Candy!

An inspection of the package reveals a cow and the suggestion of health:

At last! A not too sticky calcium enriched soft-candy that’s both healthy and tasty.

Erik likes tasty.
Erik likes healthy.
Erik likes not too sticky on his belly. I mean, in his belly.

Pull one out Erik and let’s take a look.





Well, a solid lump of white. Let's cut it open!




Looks… calciumy.

A look at the package reveals a bunch of numbers and foreign language.

Let’s bring in our interpreter Arata Isozaki to decipher the package.

Well that was knowledgefull!

Let’s see how Erik Eats.




He likes it!

Oh! We forgot to check the ingredients. Let’s take a quick look.


Nothing odd here…

Oh no!


What's a happenin'!


He's down!

Oh look! More candies to share with others! Yum!

Next week we will try some foods we found in the cafeteria during the renovations!

My $29.95 Doorstop

Here is a photo of my new $29.95 doorstop.


It works out well because the extra weight of the cumbersomeness helps on breezy days. I was using it as a paper weight, but the book kept taking my simple English sentences and adding random letters and gibberish.

No one has ever accused me of being smart, but I was able to make it through Donaldson and Tolkien without plucking my eyeballs out. (Well, not The Silmarillion, so maybe you can do the math.) It’s one thing to need a glossary to decipher a book. It’s another to need to have scratch paper, the entire works of Thelenes and an abacus.

I guess I’ll just re-read Diamond Age again and remember the good days.

George Bush signs $700 billion dollar bill


President George W. Bush signs the $700 billion US financial bailout bill in the Oval Office at the White House in Washington Friday. (Charles Dharapak/Associated Press)