Screaming Old Woman Cab Driver

On our way back from lunch, we passed a cab being driven by a very old woman. I thought this was very unique and was able to snap a quick photo of her. Later I took a closer look at the photo and it's completely freaked me out. It looks like she is screaming.



I am tormented by this photo.

Greg and the Trade Federation MTT

Greg's Star Wars Trade Federation MTT "Troop Carrier" arrived. We took it out of the box.

Here he is playing with it.

Happy 10th Anniversary

Ten years ago, on a beach on Kiawah Island, SC, Miss Sally and Doug were married.

And against all odds and egg timers, she has stuck by my side.

Happy 10th Anniversary!!


Then



Now

Sarah Palin's Glasses Secret

Hollywood Running Out of 555 Phone Numbers

HOLLYWOOD- Representatives from all arenas in Hollywood are shuddering at the prospect that the quantity of 555-XXXX phone numbers is running dangerously low.

Phil Ausherman, Writers’ Guild spokesperson, stated Wednesday that, “The Studio analysts have determined that there are only twelve or thirteen 555 phone numbers left.” He elaborated, “I’m sure that years ago they thought that 10,000 fake phone numbers would last forever. Now we’re down to a couple unrealistic numbers like 555-2424. Audiences would immediately pick that out as fake and then the whole suspension of disbelief thingy is right out the window.”

The phone companies suggested that studios begin using the prefix 555 so that the average Tommy or Jenny wouldn’t be getting phone calls in the middle of the night asking for a Private Eye or Unwilling Hero.

The lower end numbers got used up first as screenwriters are lazy and actors had trouble dialing 555-9989 on rotary dials. Mr. Ausherman suggested that any taxi in a film got the easy to remember 555-7777 or 555-2222 numbers. “No movie scriptwriter has been audacious enough to suggest that the phone number 555-5555 could be real, even in a movie.”

For a while, the number 555-2368 was reused over and over in films. With the advent of the internet, movie goers are now keen to the number and are quick to call it out. Acting coach Sally Byers related, “There’s nothing worse that having a dramatic hostage standoff negotiation scene killed by someone in the theater yelling out, ‘That’s the Ghostbuster’s number!” So the practice of reusing numbers has been phased out and now the unused numbers are almost gone.

Some filmmakers encourage the use of letters for the last four digits, but Ausherman countered, “There are probably only 20 or so four letter words that aren’t dirty. Besides, what chick flick would have the heroine giving out her number as 555-MUNG or 555-LIPS?”

When I questioned Mr. Ausherman about increasing the number of phone numbers by including area codes he said it wasn’t realistic. “Who gives out their area code with their phone number? Besides, nothing happens outside the 323 anyways.”

Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s in Columbus

I could not be happier. Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s will be in Columbus at Skully’s Music Diner on October 19th.

Tickets are $10 pre-sale. I bought four of them. Miss Sally and I are going. I’m sure Acton will join in.

Anyone else interested?

Ducklings

Tonight, my five year old Greg mentioned that his friend Bob had eaten Chinese food. I told Greg that we could try Chinese food sometime if he was curious what it tasted like.

A few minutes later Greg said, “I want to try and eat ducklings.”

“Ducklings?”

“Yeah. Ducklings.”

My mind raced. Bob is a mix of Korean and Filipino. I didn’t know if duckling was a traditional dish in his family or if they had eaten and some very authentic Chinese restaurant that only Koreans and Filipinos know about. I then thought about the fermented duck eggs that are a delicacy to some and vomit inducing to others.

I decided to be as delicate and politically correct about the issue as possible and share with Greg that sometimes some people eat food that is very different and that…

Greg then added, “Bob said he ate ducklings with chopsticks.”

I though for a half second.

“You mean Dumplings?”

“Yeah. Dumplings. With crabs in them.”

“Yes. We can try dumplings.”

Published!

I sometimes pretend that I am a writer. Thoughts fall out of my head, the keyboard clacks and some of these ponderings actually make it into somewhat legible sentences for you to read. But that doesn’t make me a writer. It makes me a blogger. Anyone (and most everyone) is a blogger. To be a writer, you have to get published.

I am now a writer.

Last month, I got an e-mail from Brian Egeston, Editor-in-Chief at Barbershop Digest. BD is a publication that is directed towards barbershop patrons in the Atlanta area. Usually these patrons are black. He said he liked my story about my trip to a local black barbershop and that he wanted to publish my article. I won’t go into the amount of money he offered me to print the piece, but let’s just say it was more than I have even been offered in the past for an article.

I agreed to let him print the story, sent him a headshot and waited patiently for the month to pass.

And now it has passed.

That is not me walking in the barbershop in the photo above, though it almost fooled me.

So please, head over to Barbershop Digest and once there, click on the magazine on the left hand side for the PDF of the September 2008 issue. Of course you should read my article, but also read some of the other offerings. I especially liked "The Pimps vs The Preachers" feature article. Oh... and the little boy getting his hair cut for the first time is very cute.



Thanks for reading everyone. I couldn't have done it without you.

HolyJuan (pimp)* (*Official pimp status not confirmed.)

{EDITOR'S NOTE - I think we killed BD's bandwidth. The link to the PDF does not work anymore. Here's a photo of the article.}

Republican National Committee Preempts God and Puts Palin at Top of Ticket

WASHINGTON DC – In another unpredictable and bold move, the Republican National Comittee has decided to shift Sarah Palin up as the nominee for President and move John McCain down into the Vice President slot. RNC representative Chris Sarver was gleeful about the change, “Sarah Palin has fully demonstrated that she can take on the role of President. Her numbers are way up so we decided to do what is in the best interest for the country.”

“John McCain is in pretty good shape for a 72 year old man, but when you stick Palin and McCain on the stage together, he starts to look feeble and sickly. Not even the weekly embryonic stem cells injections are helping.” When asked about McCain’s health, Sarver claimed, “The shock of actually winning this election will probably kill McCain. We never thought we would actually win, but now that we have a strong chance, we are taking preemptive action. Basically, we are cutting out the middle man.”

When questioned about the legality of the move, party officials stated that, “The RNC’s Executive Committee can determine if a nominee is fit to take on a Presidential or Vice Presidential Role. It is in our Party’s best interest to win this election and we think that Palin can do it! And on top of that she has assured us this is God's will."

On a final note, Mr. Sarver added, "Did I mention she’s so goddamn charismatic?”

We sent an e-mail to John McCain for comment, but he was unable to answer.

Caught in Hurricane Ike

We both made it out, but it was touch and go for a while.

Foot File with BONUS

Saw this great ad for a new dead skin removal product. It looks like the recycling thing has gone a bit too far...



Fort Navarone and the Trade Federation MTT

My son, very badly, wants a Star Wars LEGO #7662: Trade Federation MTT.
















My wife believes it is a large, expensive piece(s) of plastic that will be destroyed, lost and forgotten.

I know his pain.

When I was a nine years old boy, I wanted, with all my heart and soul, a Fort Navarone playset.

It was a giant mountain of a fort that came with armies, vehicles, guns and a real, live working elevator. It was the greatest thing in the world.

























It was almost Christmas and the Fort Navarone playset was glossy and crinkled in the JC Pennys catalog. The smell of the ink was strong on my fingers. I had been reviewing the details of it for hours and then stashing it under the couch for easy access. I finally got up the nerve to ask my dad if I could have it for Christmas. I practiced asking and kept repeating, “It’s the only toy I want!”

Dad was in the kitchen and I stood at the doorway with the catalog behind my back. He beckoned me forward and I came in, my socks sliding across the linoleum.

“I think I know what I want for Christmas.”

“What’s that?”

I put the catalog out and he took it.

I said bravely, “The Fort Navarone Playset. It comes with armies and tanks.”

Dad looked over his glasses to get a closer view.

I forgot to say it was the only gift I wanted for Christmas.

He cut me off before I had the chance. He said, and I remember it to the word, “This? This is just a big piece of plastic. It’s not worth the money.”

He handed the catalog back and I left the kitchen. I tore out the page and hid it between my mattress and bedspring. I’d pull it out every so often, but those times became fewer and further between.

Months later I found it when we were pulling our mattresses off our beds to have a pile of soft to jump into from the top bunk. By that time I had hardened my heart to it. I threw it out.

But I never forgot it.

I’m not mad at my father because of this. He’s right. It was a big hunk of plastic that probably wasn’t worth the money. To him.

Now my son wants this huge, expensive hunk of plastic that he will probably destroy, lose and forget.

But I do not forget.

Merry Christmas Greg.

I kissed a girl and then I went to hell


















Our local free paper, The Other Paper, printed this photo of a local church and their opinion about a recent pop song.

Personally, I like to think that our God is an all loving God and that He would not frown upon an innocent make out session between two chicks. Ephesians 10:21 states, "And doth Mary did kiss Mary Magdalene on the lips and tasted the berries and doth she likened it."

Amen.

How to tell if a Boy/Girl likes or hates you

Understanding people can be very confusing, especially when emotions come into play. Here is a very simple guide to help you figure out when the opposite sex likes or does not like you.

FOR GIRLS
Signs that a boy hates you:
1. He ignores you.
2. He pushes you at school
3. He calls you and hangs up
4. He dates your best friend
5. He tells all his buddies that he hates you.

Signs that a boy likes you:
1. He ignores you.
2. He pushes you at school
3. He calls you and hangs up
4. He dates your best friend
5. He tells all his buddies that he hates you

FOR BOYS

Signs that a girl likes you:
1. She pretty much comes right out and tells you that she likes you

Signs that a girls hates you:
1. When she pretends that she likes you.

Who will McCain choose once Palin drops off the ticket?

I do not want to debate whether or not Governor Palin is going to drop off McCain’s ticket as Vice President… that is pretty much a given. As a matter of fact, I think McCain’s consultants preparing for it and are going to try to spin it for more media cycles.

But who will McCain pick next? He's got to out do himself again. Let’s look at the possibilities:

1. Hillary Clinton


Pros
-18 Million votes guaranteed!
-boobies
-she will unleash pent up vitriolic rage against Obama

Cons
-raving lunatic PUMAs and Clintonistas will simultaneously explode causing big mess
-might end up President if McCain dies
-Christian Conservatives would get caught in an infinite prayer feedback loop of praying to win and praying to lose.

2. Heath Ledger

Pros
-major Superstar
-wide appeal
-won’t say anything stupid
-cool accent

Cons
-dead
-even dead, can’t make McCain look younger or better
-Christian Conservatives don’t like guys that have sex with guys, even if it was just in a movie

3. Inanimate Carbon Rod

Pros
-Older than McCain thus making him look younger
-phallic
-Inanimate, which means it can’t fuck up
-TV star (young kids love it)
-easy to vet

Cons
-Rod is a gay name
-Christian Conservatives don’t like the periodic table

4. Hillary Clinton’s Pantsuit

Pros
-If you can’t get Hillary, it’s the next best thing
-won’t cry or eat your soul
-wash and wear

Cons
-Remnants of Bill on the back
-reversible
-Christian Conservatives don’t like female pants. It’s the devil’s stitchery.

5. The Statue of Liberty

Pros
-100% American (Although the French thing will come out later in the media.)
-Older than McCain but still slightly hot
-Good with dates, reads books, likes foreigners, knows her place and has a huge ass torch

Cons
-Freakishly tall
-hollow
-small boobs
Christian Conservatives don’t like unmarried women with careers

HolyJuan at Skreened.com

I know that 50% of my fans (one of you) have been asking me about HolyJuan apparel. Until recently, the only clothing you could buy was a pair of boxers with the stain that roughly looked like toast.

Now, BEHOLD! You can find HolyJuan t-shirts at skreened.com. They are a Columbus t-shirt company and I hope to sell one shirt in the next six months.

So far I only have one design.


Let me know if you want something personalized. Jesus cartoon shirts are sure to be next.

Buy me.

Greg Draws

Greg drew the picture below at pre-school.


Obviously this is a drawing of a tree with partial greening (a by-product of high acidic soil), a cornfield with two stalks of corn (the rest sold for Ethanol) and a boy with rockets in his hands, flying above it all with poop shooting out of his butt.

It reminded me of weebls-stuff.com cartoon called A Walk in the Woods.



Greg has never seen this cartoon and I'm wondering if I will be thinking about it at his first parent/teacher conference in November.

McCain's Plan B

Plan-B-for-McCain