Jesus Candy

My wife works at a pre-school. They have events for the kids and sometimes purchase novelty items and decorations concurrent with the theme. There are several vendors that supply these cheap trinkets, baubles and colorful decorations.

One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.

Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.

The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.

Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:

My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."

That cleared up everything…

Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.

“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:


RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”

BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.

Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?

Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?

What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?

These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.

In case you want to place an order:

Jesus Footprints

Jellybeans of the Apocalypse


Anonymous said...

I don't think it's a typo or a reference to the Trinity, I think "God's shed blood" just means the blood that God shed.

The black ones are pretty messed up. I can't imagine little kids happily munching away on jelly beans that symbolize death.

Anonymous said...

Hi Doug. Do you really have this much time on your are very creative....keep up the nice work and call your older sister every once in a while....

Doug said...

Hi Amy,

No, I am required to make time to write. I do that in two easy steps.

First: Neglect
It's easy to find time when you don't spend it doing other important things like cleaning, cooking, going to work, spending time with wife or bathing.

Two: Time Travel
I'm writing this three days from now.

I'll call you very soon. Like two days ago.

Anonymous said...

Rachel Ray's Good Friday Mix:

- One bag Chex Mix
- 2-5 bags "Walking with Jesus" Footprints
- 2-5 bags "Colors of Faith" Jelly Beans
- 1/5 bottle of Tequila
- 6 crushed up vicodin

Mix ingredients, coat with powdered sugar, Enjoy!

Doug said...

They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of Rachel Ray's Good Friday Mix. The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand. -- Mark 6:35-44

DogsDontPurr said...

Hey...all our sins are forgiven because it's *fat-free*

JOHN said...

didnt you already post this??? or is it that time travel thing.........

Doug said...

Are you kidding? I just posted this on February 17th!

The Nag said...

I'd lost my faith but you've given me something to believe in. So it's just junk food - it's better than nothing.

Smail said...

If you flip over to page 57, you'll see that the "Colors of Faith" jellybeans are also being sold as the "Squishy Man Love" jellybeans. Those churches better hope there's no shipping mixup.

Anonymous said...

...AND they're fat free, so they must be holy.

Anonymous said...

dude, fantastic. your wit and colorful writing are a breath of fresh air. keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Evidently you're not a christian by the remarks I see. Very sad.

HolyJuan said...

I'm sure that Jesus and I both agree that this product is very silly. He told me so!