Lollapalooza iTunes Card

The official program of the 2010 Lollapalooza came with an iTunes card glued in the back. Upon inspection, it read that the card was good for 40 free songs. 40 FREE SONGS! And they were handing out the programs like candy!


The process in my head, which I call math, started to ask for additional processing resources, so I stopped in my tracks and started to figure out how many of these cards I would need to break even on my ticket price.

Greg saw me come to a complete stop and noticed the tell tale signs that I was thinking. He knew what was going on in my head.

"The card is good for only 40 specific songs. You can't use it to buy anything else."

"Oh, that sucks."

So I stuffed the card in my wallet for when I got home.

Later that day, we saw a dude going through a recycling bin, pulling out programs and looking for the iTunes card in the back. We didn't say anything to him, but I assume that he figured it out on his own once he got home.

On our last day of Lollapalooza, Kit and I were standing at the Blogger stage when three very good looking, blind girls approached us. We thought it odd that the blind girls didn't have guide dogs or walking sticks. It took us a moment to figure out that the three very good looking girls were actually NOT blind and were asking us where the Adidas Stage was. Kit said he thought it was at the other end of the park and pulled out his Program to confirm it. Their destination was at the other end of the park and I would have thought their next move would have been to run from us post-haste. But instead they began chatting with us. One of the girls pointed at Kit's program and said, "Did you know that there is a iTunes card in there that gives you 40 dollars worth of free songs?"

I, in my 40 year old know-it-all-voice, said, "The card is good for only 40 specific songs. You can't use it to buy anything else."

"Oh, that sucks."

And with that, the imaginary, shimmering bubble that surround us burst and they said thanks and walked off.

I downloaded the 40 songs and it turned out there were 45. They should edited the graphic on the card to read, "4 songs you will like and a shitload of others that suck balls and make you wonder why you dug through the recycling for hours to collect these fucking things."

How to Disable Facebook's "Places."

"Places" might be a wonderful option for some people, but I'd rather not let my entire collection of "friends" or the whole of the internet know where I am at. "Places" also allows other people to 'check you in' so that they can tattle on me when I am at the nudie bar seeing my favorite dancer act, Doris.

Here is how to disable places:

1. Go to Account > Privacy Settings on top right.

2. Click on ‘Customize Settings‘ link at the bottom of that page.

3. Next to “Places I check in” use the drop down box to select ‘Only Me‘.

4. Make sure to ‘uncheck” the ‘Include me in “People Here Now” after I check in’ box.

5. Further down under “Things others share” select ‘Disabled’ next to “Friends can check me in to places.”

Allow me to explain

I created a list yesterday of the Top Ten Worst Stripper Names. Not my best work by far. In that list, amongst the wretched and disgusting names, was my grandmother's unique name. My thinking was that it would be awful to have the memory of one's grandmother tarnished by being a stripper's name. Funny, right?

Wrong.

My relatives did not find that humorous and to quote my cousin, I should, "die of shame for even having her name in this listing you unholy maggot."

So while my intent was for the sake of humor it did not come across that way. I can't really say that I'm sorry except that I'm sorry I didn't explain the joke the right way and that perhaps it was a bit unholy and maggoty.

So I edited my post and changed it to "satin peach" which is the nickname we gave a co-worker's shirt.

I hope this will not ruin our relationship.

Love,

HolyJuan

Top Ten Worst Stripper Names

It’s best if you read these prefaced by saying, “And now welcome to the main stage the lovely…”

1. Smegma

2. Androgyny

3. Infectious

4. Satin Peach

5. Cesarean

6. Garlic

7. Mrs. Henderson

8. Ted

9. Carbon

10. Crustina

Bag o' Money winner!

We finally got a winner in the Bag o' Money contest. John from North Carolina correctly guessed $16.91.

Here's the goods before they were sent out. (The cash was in my car. I did actually send it.)


Here is the letter I sent along:

Dear John,

Thank you for entering and winning the “How Much Money is in the Bag” contest on holyjuan.com. While I almost had to spoon feed my readers the answer, you were the one with the wherewithal and the quickest correct guess of $16.91.

While you are taking food from the mouths of my children with this win, I do want you to spend this money appropriately. May I suggest one of the following:

16.9 condoms (use the .9 condom if you are planning on reproducing)
1 really, really cheap hooker
1/10 of a more expensive hooker
67 games of Donkey Kong at the retro arcade
33 games of Dragon’s Lair at the retro arcade
5 bags of Swedish Fish (Damn, they are addictive)
4 Happy Meals that my children will not be eating

Best of luck!

HolyJuan, Esquire

PS. Please use the included HolyJuan refrigerator magnet at your discretion. Your friends may actually find out what you have been up to.

---

And after spending $45.56 on postage, here is John with the goods!



"I always wanted a sack with $$ on it. Thanks Holy Juan!"

Leah Lou

Billy invited us up to Cleveland to go see a few bands at the Beachland Ballroom. Billy has very good taste in music and has yet to let us down. While we actually went to see the headliner, Marc Broussard, I was much more intrigued by the opener Leah Lou.

WARNING! You will either dig this chick's music or not. I like her. If you do not, you obviously have crappy taste in music.

Check her out at http://www.myspace.com/leahlou12.

And while I am not a starfucker, the opportunity did arise and I got a photo with my new girlfriend.

Stoned Stoneder Stonederiest

Oddly enough, we thought of these t-shirts while we were at Lollapalooza.

Three-stones

If you and your two stoned friends want t-shirts, you can buy them here:

STONED
STONEDER
STONDERIEST

Lillian Marie

Anne had a baby this morning. A little girl named Lillian Marie.

Happy happy!