GALILEE (HJ) - Jesus accidentally let it slip to the apostles that the world was round today during an informal breakfast. The crew had spent in the night in Samaria in preparation for a speaking engagement later that next day. Jesus was really hitting home the message of telling people about God by “spreading the Word of his Father around the globe.” Matthew spoke up and corrected Jesus by suggesting, “Don’t you mean the edges of the earth, your holiness?” “Excuse me?” Jesus asked quietly. Lebbaeus followed up with, “You said ‘around’ and ‘globe’ as if the Earth wasn’t flat.” Jesus raged, “Of course I meant the edges of the earth. I’m the fucking Son of God who is all-knowing. I meant around the flat globe.”
An unknown source close to Jesus believes that the Son of God knows a lot more than he is letting out, but that the encumbrance of knowing the whole story would crumple the minds of his followers. “Jesus once mentioned that Herod’s policies were pre-Cambrian. We assume that all this will be revealed to us at the proper time.” (Editor’s Note: This source was paid in silver for his account.)
After breaking their fast and gathering up the white wine and red dye packs, James was overheard speaking to Nathanial, “The earth is round? Surely he doesn't expect us to take such a preposterous concept on faith alone, does HE?!"
During the trip to the next gig, Jesus apologized and said the stresses of the upcoming crucifixion and three day confinement in the dark tomb were wearing on him. “If we don’t nail this finale, Dad’s gonna be pissed.” He held up two fingers, “Without me, it’ll just be Jews and Muslims and they could form a long lasting peace.” He held up the third, “A third branch will ensure millennia of strife and endless worship.”
At the speaking engagement, while the team prepared the false bottom baskets, James, son of Zebedee, questioned his brother John about the slip. John let it slide and said, “Everyone knows the world is flat. You know Jesus. He’s got a lot on his mind.”
Tiger Woods Apology Speech (revised)
Good morning and thank you for joining me. I have a few things I would like to say:
I am rich. Filthy, stinking rich. When I take a shit, interest rates change. I am rich.
I am a man. Men have penises. We like to stick them in women as much as possible. I am a man.
I am famous. No one on Earth doesn’t know who I am. Most people want to be like me. I am famous.
Because of these things, I want to and can fuck anyone I want, at any time I want. I fucked some girl ten minutes ago in the hallway and might again on the way out. I will continue to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want. I do not care what you think. If you came here looking for me to apologize for something, forget it. I will never apologize for desiring women, dating women, fucking women and then paying women large sum of money to keep them quiet. Mostly quiet.
Yes, I am married and I made a commitment to my wife. But I am too rich, too famous and too manly to be contained by one woman. My wife now understands this. I realize that this may have upset my wife, so to compensate, we have a swear jar at home that we have converted to an infidelity jar. Every time I bang some hot woman, I put a quarter million in the jar. Currently the jar has a GDP greater than Finland and I am expecting it will continue to grow.
To sum up: rich, man, famous, fuck, GDP, no apologies.
Thank you and good day.
I am rich. Filthy, stinking rich. When I take a shit, interest rates change. I am rich.
I am a man. Men have penises. We like to stick them in women as much as possible. I am a man.
I am famous. No one on Earth doesn’t know who I am. Most people want to be like me. I am famous.
Because of these things, I want to and can fuck anyone I want, at any time I want. I fucked some girl ten minutes ago in the hallway and might again on the way out. I will continue to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want. I do not care what you think. If you came here looking for me to apologize for something, forget it. I will never apologize for desiring women, dating women, fucking women and then paying women large sum of money to keep them quiet. Mostly quiet.
Yes, I am married and I made a commitment to my wife. But I am too rich, too famous and too manly to be contained by one woman. My wife now understands this. I realize that this may have upset my wife, so to compensate, we have a swear jar at home that we have converted to an infidelity jar. Every time I bang some hot woman, I put a quarter million in the jar. Currently the jar has a GDP greater than Finland and I am expecting it will continue to grow.
To sum up: rich, man, famous, fuck, GDP, no apologies.
Thank you and good day.
The Working Broken Furnace
Last winter we went up to Grandma Susie’s for a visit. Upon walking in we noted that the temperature in the house was about 64 degrees. We casually mentioned this and Susie was at her wit’s end. She had the furnace guy out two times already and every time he arrived he'd go down stairs, come back up and report that the furnace was working fine. But as soon as he left, the furnace would stop working. I immediately went down stairs and the furnace was working. I went back up and reported this to Susie and she shook her head in disbelief. She claimed that she was cursed because when she went down the furnace would stop working. About ten minutes later I decided to go back down and see if it was still on. It was not. I toggled switches and checked the lines and reset the reset button. Nothing. Once again the furnace dude was called.
Being a guy, I went back downstairs several times before the furnace dude arrived to see if the system had kicked back on. It had not. When the furnace guy arrived, he said hello, went down stairs and came right back up. “The furnace is on.” I went down and checked… it was on.
The furnace dude left us with a business card with a psychiatrist’s phone number scribbled on the back.
Fifteen minutes later I was down in the basement looking at a furnace that wasn’t working.
We left a few hours later with the furnace still not working.
We heard back from Susie the next day. The furnace company was so sick of her calling that they sent out Furnace Dude Numero Uno to take a look at her situation. He showed up, went down stairs and the furnace was working. He then pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the furnace and waited for the tea kettle to start boiling.
And five minutes later it did. The furnace sputtered out. He could not get it to re-start.
Because this furnace dude was The Furnace Dude, he went back to Fire 101 which states that you need three things for fire: fuel, oxygen and ignition. Fuel and ignition were present and accounted for. He went to check on oxygen.
Jump back in time six months previous and Susie was having an issue with wasps on her patio. They had a nest in a pipe that was coming out of the house. She took out the nest with some Raid and removed the soggy remnants with a broom handle. To keep the wasps from returning, she put a stocking over the hole. And then she forgot about it.
Furnace Dude removed the stocking from the air intake and the furnace happily took a deep breath of air and ignited. After that it stayed on. Done and done.
But wait… what about the sporadic lighting? Why was the furnace always on when the original furnace guy or I were in the basement? As a clever boy, I realized that every time the front door was opened, it would allow for what ever vacuum had formed in the furnace’s guts to be released. As it was trying to suck air in from the blocked exterior pipe, it was also pulling in whatever surrounding air inside the house that it could. When the front door was opened, the resulting change in pressure allowed just enough air in for the furnace to ignite just long enough for the furnace dude to think Susie was just enough batshit crazy.
The moral of this story is nestled somewhere in between “experience requires patience” and “Susie is always right except in reguards to pest control,” but I don’t know where.
Being a guy, I went back downstairs several times before the furnace dude arrived to see if the system had kicked back on. It had not. When the furnace guy arrived, he said hello, went down stairs and came right back up. “The furnace is on.” I went down and checked… it was on.
The furnace dude left us with a business card with a psychiatrist’s phone number scribbled on the back.
Fifteen minutes later I was down in the basement looking at a furnace that wasn’t working.
We left a few hours later with the furnace still not working.
We heard back from Susie the next day. The furnace company was so sick of her calling that they sent out Furnace Dude Numero Uno to take a look at her situation. He showed up, went down stairs and the furnace was working. He then pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the furnace and waited for the tea kettle to start boiling.
And five minutes later it did. The furnace sputtered out. He could not get it to re-start.
Because this furnace dude was The Furnace Dude, he went back to Fire 101 which states that you need three things for fire: fuel, oxygen and ignition. Fuel and ignition were present and accounted for. He went to check on oxygen.
Jump back in time six months previous and Susie was having an issue with wasps on her patio. They had a nest in a pipe that was coming out of the house. She took out the nest with some Raid and removed the soggy remnants with a broom handle. To keep the wasps from returning, she put a stocking over the hole. And then she forgot about it.
Furnace Dude removed the stocking from the air intake and the furnace happily took a deep breath of air and ignited. After that it stayed on. Done and done.
But wait… what about the sporadic lighting? Why was the furnace always on when the original furnace guy or I were in the basement? As a clever boy, I realized that every time the front door was opened, it would allow for what ever vacuum had formed in the furnace’s guts to be released. As it was trying to suck air in from the blocked exterior pipe, it was also pulling in whatever surrounding air inside the house that it could. When the front door was opened, the resulting change in pressure allowed just enough air in for the furnace to ignite just long enough for the furnace dude to think Susie was just enough batshit crazy.
The moral of this story is nestled somewhere in between “experience requires patience” and “Susie is always right except in reguards to pest control,” but I don’t know where.
"Blue Laws" Anger Local Man, Plans to Ban Wednesday Services
COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Bruce M. Targe of Hilliard, OH recently tried to buy some wine at his local Gas n’ Sip convenience store. “The wife and I were headed out of town to our cabin and we were stocking up for the week.” He was surprised to find that he could not buy wine on Sundays until 1:00pm due to Ohio’s “Blue Laws” that restrict alcohol sales because of antiquated religious standards.
Instead of complaining about it, Mr. Targe decided to take action. He is currently collecting signatures to put forth legislation on what he has christened, “Orange Laws.” In short, Orange Laws would restrict religious services on Wednesdays between 4:30pm and 11:59pm. Mr. Targe explains, “You talk to any religious person and they’ll say that Blue Laws are not that much of an inconvenience. Well, Wednesday night is my bowling night and the mega-church up the road has services at the same time. There’s traffic all up and down the road on the way there and coming back is just as bad when they let out.” By restricting church during that time with an “Orange Law,” Mr. Targe can free up his commute to bowling and show the religious what it is like to be inconvenienced.
So far Mr. Targe has collected about 278 signatures. He got the idea for Orange Laws for all those dads who were missing bowling night. He smirked, “Hey dads, “orange” you glad you don’t have to go to church?”
Upon hearing of the possible legislation, Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” stated that new “Orange Laws” are a serious issue. Pastor Phelps stated, “This is a serious issue. Our Church meets on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Pizza Night Day and Sunday. We do not think we could move our Wednesday service to Saturday as our congregation is usually churched out by then and needs a day of rest before we power though all day Sunday services.”
Pastor Phelps has started his own “Anti-Orange Laws” petition and has gathered 18 signatures. They plan to sell wine and cheese gift baskets to raise money for a continued campaign.
Instead of complaining about it, Mr. Targe decided to take action. He is currently collecting signatures to put forth legislation on what he has christened, “Orange Laws.” In short, Orange Laws would restrict religious services on Wednesdays between 4:30pm and 11:59pm. Mr. Targe explains, “You talk to any religious person and they’ll say that Blue Laws are not that much of an inconvenience. Well, Wednesday night is my bowling night and the mega-church up the road has services at the same time. There’s traffic all up and down the road on the way there and coming back is just as bad when they let out.” By restricting church during that time with an “Orange Law,” Mr. Targe can free up his commute to bowling and show the religious what it is like to be inconvenienced.So far Mr. Targe has collected about 278 signatures. He got the idea for Orange Laws for all those dads who were missing bowling night. He smirked, “Hey dads, “orange” you glad you don’t have to go to church?”
Upon hearing of the possible legislation, Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” stated that new “Orange Laws” are a serious issue. Pastor Phelps stated, “This is a serious issue. Our Church meets on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Pizza Night Day and Sunday. We do not think we could move our Wednesday service to Saturday as our congregation is usually churched out by then and needs a day of rest before we power though all day Sunday services.”
Pastor Phelps has started his own “Anti-Orange Laws” petition and has gathered 18 signatures. They plan to sell wine and cheese gift baskets to raise money for a continued campaign.
Facebook Gold Membership
Do you have a Facebook Gold Membership?.png)
The process for getting one is pretty simple and soon your friends will be asking for details on how they can become Facebook Gold Members.
Take the photo above and save it to your computer. Upload it to your Facebook account. Make it your profile photo. Now add an Status Update that suggests, "I've just signed up for a Facebook Gold Membership! They have a "Dislike" button for Gold Members!"
Ta da! You are now a Gold Member.
When friends ask questions, use these replies:
"Status Update visible to Gold Account Members only."
"Gold Account beta update in progress. Please be patient!"
"Automatic Reply: This service unavailable for non-Gold members."
.png)
The process for getting one is pretty simple and soon your friends will be asking for details on how they can become Facebook Gold Members.
Take the photo above and save it to your computer. Upload it to your Facebook account. Make it your profile photo. Now add an Status Update that suggests, "I've just signed up for a Facebook Gold Membership! They have a "Dislike" button for Gold Members!"
Ta da! You are now a Gold Member.
When friends ask questions, use these replies:
"Status Update visible to Gold Account Members only."
"Gold Account beta update in progress. Please be patient!"
"Automatic Reply: This service unavailable for non-Gold members."
Even better, take that photo and make 20 copies and upload it as an album. Then start tagging your friends in random places in the photo. When they go to look at the photo, they will think they are missing out on something.
Special thanks to reddit.com!
(Holy shit... people are getting pissed off! Being exclusive is tough.)
Special thanks to reddit.com!
(Holy shit... people are getting pissed off! Being exclusive is tough.)
Do the Hard Thing First
Dad always said, "Do the hard thing first." If you do that hard homework first, the rest will be cake. If you tackle the hard yard work first, it’s all down hill after that.
Today I didn’t and I am very happy that I did not.
When I brought the kids home last night, there was about 5” of snow in the driveway. I was able to get the van up and into the garage, but the Civic would have trouble getting up without issue. So I shoveled.
We got an additional 5” after I shoveled and the city plows did a great job both clearing the roads and piling up an 18” wall of snow at the end of my driveway.
Thinking about father’s words, I got the shovel and headed to the end of the driveway. After two shovelfuls, I realized that while this might not be an Augean stable effort, it was going to take a bit of time and energy. In lieu of getting my iPod, I went up to the garage and got out the radio. And while I was at the top of the driveway, I took the easy way out and started there where there was only newly fallen snow.
It took me about 30 minutes to get to the bottom of the driveway and I once again heard my father’s words. I was dreading the huge clumps of compacted ice and snow and now wished that I would have heeded…
Just then a Westerville city maintenance truck with a small plow on the front came up the street. I gave a friendly wave as he drove past with his plow in the air. He waved back and slowed down so that he could do a three point turn in the road. He lowered his plow and I moved back out of the way as he cleared the end of the drive. In ten seconds and two pushes, he was done.
Turns out I did do the hard thing first.
Thanks, dad.
Today I didn’t and I am very happy that I did not.
When I brought the kids home last night, there was about 5” of snow in the driveway. I was able to get the van up and into the garage, but the Civic would have trouble getting up without issue. So I shoveled.
We got an additional 5” after I shoveled and the city plows did a great job both clearing the roads and piling up an 18” wall of snow at the end of my driveway.
Thinking about father’s words, I got the shovel and headed to the end of the driveway. After two shovelfuls, I realized that while this might not be an Augean stable effort, it was going to take a bit of time and energy. In lieu of getting my iPod, I went up to the garage and got out the radio. And while I was at the top of the driveway, I took the easy way out and started there where there was only newly fallen snow.
It took me about 30 minutes to get to the bottom of the driveway and I once again heard my father’s words. I was dreading the huge clumps of compacted ice and snow and now wished that I would have heeded…
Just then a Westerville city maintenance truck with a small plow on the front came up the street. I gave a friendly wave as he drove past with his plow in the air. He waved back and slowed down so that he could do a three point turn in the road. He lowered his plow and I moved back out of the way as he cleared the end of the drive. In ten seconds and two pushes, he was done.
Turns out I did do the hard thing first.
Thanks, dad.
Scams, Natural General Health Remedies, snake oil and other lies
Hello to all the folks out there looking for information on scams or “Natural General Health Remedies” or snake oil or mynaturalremediesnow or placebos or my natural remedies now.
You see, while nature holds many medical mysteries and secrets, it takes years of scientific research to determine if a substance is helpful to humans. Many products out on the market today work off peoples’ fears and hopes for a quick cure. These natural products or homeopathic cures are complete bunk. If you think a glass of water can hold the memory of some poison and then build up your resistance, then I have a bridge made of iocane powder I’d like to sell you.
Here is a list of words:
Natural General Health Remedies
Scam
Natural General Health Remedies
Snake oil
Natural General Health Remedies
Idiots
Natural General Health Remedies
Unhealthy
Thank you,
HolyJuan
You see, while nature holds many medical mysteries and secrets, it takes years of scientific research to determine if a substance is helpful to humans. Many products out on the market today work off peoples’ fears and hopes for a quick cure. These natural products or homeopathic cures are complete bunk. If you think a glass of water can hold the memory of some poison and then build up your resistance, then I have a bridge made of iocane powder I’d like to sell you.
Here is a list of words:
Natural General Health Remedies
Scam
Natural General Health Remedies
Snake oil
Natural General Health Remedies
Idiots
Natural General Health Remedies
Unhealthy
Thank you,
HolyJuan
Dave is coming back for a visit
Dave is coming back to Columbus for a visit and we will be at Skully's on the 18th. Come join us for fun and frivolity.
This is Dave and I in July of 2008. We snuck off to Detroit to go check out an exhibit and accidentally made it to a Detroit baseball game. We had a lot of fun that day. If I realized how much I would miss him I assume that we would have snuck off more often. Now it costs a few hundred bucks just to spend a day together, but seeing how it is him paying for it, it is totally worth it.
Come out and meet up with us if you get a chance. E-mail me for info: holyjuan@gmail.com.
This is Dave and I in July of 2008. We snuck off to Detroit to go check out an exhibit and accidentally made it to a Detroit baseball game. We had a lot of fun that day. If I realized how much I would miss him I assume that we would have snuck off more often. Now it costs a few hundred bucks just to spend a day together, but seeing how it is him paying for it, it is totally worth it.
Come out and meet up with us if you get a chance. E-mail me for info: holyjuan@gmail.com.
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