Hillary's Answer to the "Last Time She Fired a Gun" Question

when did you last fire a gun

Thelma Robinette

Thelma Robinette passed away Wednesday, April 9, 2008.

She was a loving wife, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother who will be deeply missed by her family and friends.

Thelma owned and operated the Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Store in Lancaster for 30 years.

She is survived by her six children, Michael Robinette, Peggy (James) DeJarnatt, Nan (Ralph) VanGundy, Paul Robinette, Jill (Kelly) Adams and Jon (Lauren) Robinette; 14 grandchildren; and four great-grandchildren.

In addition to her parents, she was preceded in death by her husband, Darwin Robinette; and a brother, Earl W. Bliss.

According to Thelma's personal request, services and visitation will not be observed.

Interment will take place at Bethel Cemetery, Phillipsburg, at the convenience of the family.

If they wish, friends may make memorial donations in Thelma's name to FairHoPe Hospice and Palliative Care, 1111 E. Main St., Lancaster, OH 43130.

Bope-Thomas Funeral Home in Somerset is in charge of arrangements.

{Author's note: I worked at Mrs. Robinette's Baskin-Robbins in Lancaster back in the late 80's. Thelma (or "T" as she liked to for us to call her) was a wonderful person and always pretty happy (except when we packed two pounds of ice cream into the one pint containers.) I'd like to think that somewhere in the deep unknown, Thelma and Darwin are together, with "T" chatting away and "D" standing close by, lovingly rolling his eyes.}

Have you seen me?

A few days ago, I got an e-mail from my friend Steve. I have not spoken with Steve in a few years and at first I doubted it was him… until I got to the part about KFC:

The Letter:
“Have you been leading a double life, with separate families in Ohio and Delaware? Please come clean and tell the story. While checking out the latest coupons the Colonel had to offer, I came across an interesting photo at the bottom of the page. Before I called the hotline number and turned you in to the Feds, I thought I would give you a chance to respond.

Signed,
A concerned citizen"

Here is the aforementioned photo:


I went ahead a found a photo of myself to compare with the dastard.


Side by side:


Nope. Not me. His glasses do not have a pencil taped to the top of them.

Good try Steve! I hope the chicken was good.

The History of the Submachine Gun

It is common knowledge that the submachine gun was developed for use in submarines, but many people do not know the complete and interesting history of this famous, undersea weapon.

During the early years of submarine warfare, crewmen were expected to fight in sub to sub combat using clubs, punji sticks and other melee weapons.

Towards the end of World War I, the Germans, or Krauts, began experimenting with machine guns during battle. During a raid on the British Submarine HMS Fantastic, seventy-two crew members of the German submarine Luftankrietkamenhoffen died while attempting to get the large, cumbersome gun into the narrow hatch of the British submarine.

The captain of the German sub retreated and died of food poisoning soon after. The second in command had been killed in the original battle and so was the third in command and forth if you really need to know. The fifth in command was brought up on trial for poisoning the captain and thus the sixth in command was made the captain. It would be under the courageous Captain Knaus’ supervision that the submachine gun was developed.

Knaus believed that a smaller, high caliber gun could be used in the tight quarters of the submarine. His first tests showed that the walls of the sub were too thin and that bullets pieced the hull. “Fat Fingers” Fredrik Gummas was able to plug all eleven of the holes and save the sub. Knaus took his sub back to port and had the hulls thickened with eight inch steel plate. While the sub sat on the bottom of the port waiting to be lifted back to the surface, Knaus tested his machine gun and the ricocheting bullets killed twelve of his crew. The war ended soon after and the armistice banned all submarine, machine gun development.

On March 8th, 1941 Captain Knaus was brought back on by a secret team of scientist and ruffians to develop undersea weapons. It was then that the smaller, compact weapon was developed with smaller caliber bullets. Tests showed that the bullets would pierce the hull, but the holes would be plugged by the bullets. Knaus’ crowning achievement was the creation of “Das Attacken Bullet” or “The Red Lion”; a clip of bullets made of papier-mâché that would be used during offensive battles. The bullets would pierce the enemy submarine’s hull and plug the hole, but over time would disintegrate, hopefully after the boarding party left the sub.

Captain Knaus retired from the German Navy in 1949 and was given the highest military honors.


Knaus died at the age of 44 of a rare, allergic reaction to eating papier-mâché paste.

Today’s submachine gun has changed very little. The only difference might be the foam handle that is decorative, but also causes the gun to float when dropped during rough seas. There is also sometimes a keychain ring attached to the stock.

Thanks to German ingenuity and the rancid canned corn chowder served by the deceased fifth in command, the world is a much happier, if not holier, place.

Shorty Can Dance!



I don't know who to credit this photo to, but I do know that that guy looks like Shorty and Kim should be proud.

I'm

I'm stupid.
I'm an idiot.
I'm not trustworthy.
I'm not smart.
I'm shortsighted.
I'm not a good friend.
I'm completley out of line.
And
I'm sorry.

Delta Airlines thinks you are a little girl

I flew Delta Airlines recently and was displeased to find that the Puke Bags are not made out of paper anymore. It used to be that you could write someone a note/letter on the bag and they would find it mildly amusing. Now the bags are made from a Space Age polymer that seals the puke and puke odor inside and rejects most forms of ink. There is even a convenient peel/sticky at the top that is good for sealing the bag or for tearing off and wrapping around split cigarettes to make them smokable. (Do not smoke the peel/stick part!)


I was also a bit put off that Delta thinks that, as an American, you are going to get upset or distressed if they call it a Puke Bag. Or Vomit Bag. Or even just an Air Sickness Bag. They call it a Motion Discomfort Bag.

But Delta realizes that people from other countries aren't offended easily and would probably be confused if they tried to make the bag into something more pleasant than what it is. Here's the translations for the other countries:


The bag has two sides and those clever Marketing folks over at Delta thought you could use the bag to save your seat so they printed Occupied on the bag.

Me? I kill two birds with one stone and puke in my seat. That way nobody is going to take my seat and I don't have to own up to being a little girl.

The Department of Homeland Security: What are they researching on the internet?



How to Show Up Late to Work and Leave Early and Get Away With It

Erik Eats: That of Which Mulch is Made with of Drink Tea and Soy

This week’s Erik Eats segment involves the consumption of a vegetarian product that is purported to replicate one of the greatest meat products of all time. Can Cha Do stand up to the challenge and can it satisfy Erik’s craving for beef jerky?

Here is the bag of Cha Do, Veggie Jerky. Made by the Companion Company.


The Companion Company was very brave to create a clear front so that we could look inside and see the mulchiness that calls the bag interior its home.

Let’s check out the packaging:


What’s this? Cha Do is a Tea Time Snack? This setting won’t do. Let’s take this party up a social notch.


Much better! Let's continue the packaging inspection.

Hot and Spicy! Just like Erik.


And it’s PREMIUM QUALITY!

On the back, I find that the bar code has been covered over by a bar code sticker.

The bar code underneath came from a lawn and garden company. I assume that is where they got their mulch based soy.

There was a very nice message on the back from the manufacturer and some Chinese letters underneath.


Let’s get Arata Isozaki to translate this mess:


Well… let’s not tell Erik this. Next! Into the package!



JUST OPEN THE FUCKING THING!!!!!


Here’s a close up of the product.


Very mulchy.

And stringy.

Erik eats…





He likes it! He says it compares NOTHING to beef jerky, but that it is tasty and very edible.

We also found this in the pack.


The blue packet must be delicious so we give it to Josh to eat.



On the way to the emergency room, Josh said it was crunchy and delicious.

Next week: Potted Plant of which grows from the back orifice of Erik