HolyJuan

Former President Bush Pretty Much Doing What He Was a Year Ago

CRAWFORD, TX (HJ) – The first three months out of office are being called a success by former President George W. Bush. “I’d pretty much call my retirement a slam dunk so far,” remarked the former President from Crawford, Texas. Former President Bush allowed us to sit with him for a moment while he whittled on the front porch of his ranch. “I’m thinking that my approval rating has gone up at least.”

Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his

schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”

Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”

The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”

When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”

Man beat with hammer after playing video game

By Donna Willis
Web Content Coordinator
Source

COLUMBUS, Ohio—A man said he was beaten with a hammer after playing a video game at someone’s house.

NBC 4 reported with the FAST FACTS.

CPD officers were call to Mount Camel Medical Center East on a report of a beating at about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.

Officers spoke with 30-year-old victim Derrick Simmons.

Simmons said he was playing a video game at a residence.

When Simmons chose to leave, one of the individuals at the residence struck him in the head with a hammer multiple times, according to the victim.

Simmons transported himself to the hospital and was treated for a fractured cheek bone and head contusions.

CPD continued to investigate the alleged assault. An artist rendition of the attacker is shown below:

Chair for sale in Chicago

The best part about Chicago is that you can find some really great deals on furniture! While in Chicago, I was surfing on Craig's List and found the following computer chair:

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/fuo/1101522530.html

The description:
A wonderful post modern, computer chair. NOT FROM IKEA.

I will part with this chair for $2000 or higher.

You cannot pick this chair up. I must drop it off at your location.

Note: you may not sit in the chair until you buy it. I will sit in the chair for you and tell you how it feels.

Right arm suggests the confluent state of the economy. The left arm represents the whole of the ego.

Free paper towels with purchase.

Cash only. No questions.

Photos:

I'm hoping the seller will drive it down to Columbus.

Made up internet statistics up 78%

COLUMBUS-(HJ) Made up internet statistics are up a staggering 78% over the past six months, reported researchers from The Ohio University School of Internet Studies. Professor Mars Alex has seen a steady rise since the initial 22% decline of fictional statistics subsequent the elections. “Usually we notice a 10% – 15% drop in made up statistics, but 33%

of the researchers took 50% of the case studies and determined the increase. We’re 99% sure this is for real.”

Polling during elections makes up for most the discrepancies, though polls from opposing sides tend to cancel each other out. This year, fictional statistics have had a 180% turn around. “We expected to see less fake statistics with the new administration, but they’ve continued the recent trend. Internet Scientists were disappointed at the new GOP “budget” that had no statistics whatsoever. “It’s tough to make up fake numbers when the budget doesn’t have any numbers at all.” Republicans promisied 100% more numbers and a much greater percentage of fabricated statistics in their Budget 2.0.

Reasons for the increase of made up statistics are, of course, blamed on the economy. Professor Alex suggests, “No matter what the economy's doing, we’re right most the time, give or take 35%.”

The Official Kit Peery Bike Shirt

My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com is a tribute to my friend Kit:

Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/kit-peery-s-bike-shirt.

The old man note

While in Chicago this weekend, Eric shared with us a story about this note:

Eric was seeking a parking spot in downtown Chicago. When he found one, he stopped and attempted to back up. The guy behind him didn't like the way he hit his brakes and pulled up next to Eric to exchange words. Eric said the dude was probably in his 50s. Eric may have called him a motherfucker and finished parking.

When he came out to his car he found this note. (I smeared out Eric's license plate number which was written at the top.) It looks like it was written by a 70 year old man telling you to get off his yard.

I think the part that ticked off Eric the most was being called "Suburb Boy."

Kit Paints

I think the lesson here is never leave Kit alone with a can of paint and a brush.

Oh. And when Kit asks about the bike shirt, just say, "Yeah, I saw it in a shop in the Loop."

We are in Chicago