Top Five Reasons to Hate Top Five Lists

1. The number one reason to hate top five lists is when the author puts the number one item first in the list. List should always count down to the number one item to build, at least, the suggestion of suspense.

2. List creators always feel the need to include at least one photo in the list to attract readers. Lots of times, the photo has nothing to do with the list.







3. List authors tend to use their pulpit to spit out their opinion, rather than the known truth. There are several absolutes in the List universe and some of them are that Highlander 2 is the worst movie ever made, jazz sucks and Swedish Fish are the best candy in the world. When an author inserts their opinion, the list falls apart.

4. The very obvious inclusion is that author usually includes one long shot item, one that is intentionally meant to piss off the readers and get a knee jerk reaction. It usually involves scouring the internet for some obscure reference and then pretending that everyone should know it. Of course, this one is obvious.

5. The author usually has only one or two good ideas and they are forced to flesh out the list with additional bullshit items. When a list only is 5 “things” instead of 10 “things” you really know the author is stretching it out.

6. The additional bonus item. Meant to add a touch of cleverness to the list. It doesn’t work.

The xkcd version of the comic "Oh I'm a girl? That's kinda cool."

Original "Oh I'm a girl" comic here: http://i40.tinypic.com/fwh9h4.jpg

xkcd lives here: http://xkcd.com/

Regina Spektor - Us

Regina Spektor - US
Uploaded by reginaspektor

I am mentally unstable. My two current crushes are on a cartoon character and Regina Spektor. I randomly found her while listening to Ben Folds. Love her voice. The video is fun too. I think my wife is going to leave me if I keep this up.

Ten Interesting Cell Phone Facts You Probably Didn't Know

1. The most common texted word is not a word, but rather the letter “r”.

2. Most cell phones contain about $9 of gold in the circuitry. $ .02 if you go through Cash4Gold.

3. The scientific name for phantom cell phone ring vibration is “lexdosia.”

4. 2 is the most used cell phone number for texting. 0 is the least.

5. If you think your cell phone volume is lowering over time, check the holes that cover the speaker. Most phones have almost a full ounce of ear wax and dirt build up. Soak phone overnight in warm water to ensure that the wax buildup isn’t your biggest problem anymore.

6. Cell phone antennas went obsolete when the cell providers switched from an AM frequency to an FM frequency.

7. Cell phone companies spent about 4 million dollars in the 1980s to develop three additional musical notes so that each number would have its own unique sound.

8. 37% of all photos that men send via cell phone are of poop that they send to their buddies.

9. 85% of cell phone users liked their previous cell phone better.

10. Whatever you do, do not call this number: 614-429-4365.

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous

Greg and Dad sans Dad: Jesus Floats above Hell

Greg is in Kindergarten. Watching that kid learn how to read is one of the most exhilarating experience of my life. Being there as he starts to "get it" and realizing that he'll be smarter than me in less than three years is wild.

Then he brings this home (a few months ago) and completely freaks me out:


Upon looking at the drawing, you can see Jesus prostrate, floating above the fires of Hell. And he's got a smile on his face. Underneath all that is some text in Greg's handwriting. At first glance the words seem to sound out, "Pay By the Fire." This is a technique in Kindergarten they call "inventive spelling." They let the students write sentences, sounding out the words and writing how they think they should be spelled. As backwards as that sounds, it seems like it has been working.

As for Greg and this drawing, we spent $12,000 on therapy and $25,000 on an exorcist. Finally we asked Greg what the drawing was about and he said that he liked playing soccer by the fire. "Play by the fire?" Yes, play by the fire. Now we are spending $300 at the local OU branch campus to teach the boy perspective drawing.

Other Mother Crush Continues

I went and saw Coraline for the 27th time tonight. The theater had me escorted out between my 3rd and 4th viewing when I bought a large tub of popcorn, dumped it out and filled it with butter flavored oil. I guess it wasn't the oil that bothered them, but when I requested a hole saw and a rubbermaid glove, they freaked out.

Here is an obviously stolen photo of other mother.


I'm gonna buy Miss Sally the chicken oven mitt for her birthday, but it will really be a gift for me.

I am my Uncle

My father's side of the family is a bit of a mystery. I wish I knew more about them.

I do remember my father speaking of his brother and that he was an author. To use my father's words, my uncle wrote smut. I was always curious what that meant. Was it that he wrote with foul language or that the subject material was dirty or immoral?

Either way, I think I have become my uncle.

Very sad, very real dream

Stop reading this now. It will depress you. Unless you like to be depressed, then read on.

I had a dream last night of such sadness that I fear to write it down in case this causes me to repeat it. Of course, writing things down tends to wring thoughts out of my brain, so maybe I will forget.

When I woke, I was glad, but it was still dark.

The dream started like this: Greg and I are at home, getting ready to head out for school. Miss Sally has all ready left for the day with Ann. They are at her work.

In the living room, we put our jackets on and head to the front door. We never go out the front door, but I guess I needed to see that it went pitch black dark and all the stars had come out.

In a moment I knew that the sun had gone dark. Greg thought it was cool. I did not.

Inside we turned the TV on and the reporters were in a panic. The sun was dark and everyone was going to die very soon. The phones still worked and Miss Sally called to say that she was going to try and make it home. Greg asked if it was a stay at home day.

On the TV, time seemed to fast forward and the reporter had calmed down. It would be getting very cold soon and most services would be going out. He suggested that we gather together with our loved ones and wait to die.

Miss Sally had not come home before I woke up.

When I woke, I was glad, but it was still dark.

How did the Hoax Oscar list do?

Earlier this week, a "leaked" list of 2009 Oscar winners made a few laps around the internet. Here are the results of how well they predicted.