Palin Preparing to Run for President in 2009

PROLIFIA, ALASKA- On an unusually warm day in Alaska, Governor Sarah Palin announced that she will be running for the office of the President of the United States. In 2009. Governor Palin thanked the crowd of over 350 and also thanked God for the pleasant weather, “It’s good to see the Lord is with us today. I’m not sure where He was last Tuesday, but who am I to question His ways?”

Governor Palin spoke very briefly about the failed McCain campaign and that there was not a lot of time to “mess around” which is why she is seeking the office for 2009. “We cannot waste any time while Barack Hussein Obama shoves these United States of America down the crapper. This is why I will be running for President of the United States in 2009.”

Attempts to share with Governor Palin that the election will not be held until 2012 were met with mild amusement from the Governor, “The McCain people tried to tell me the same thing, but we are gonna push on forward and never wave the white flag of surrender.”

The Ex-Vice Presidential candidate shook hands with the crowd and signed autographs. Governor Palin then descended upon a thrift shop where she purchased $15.25 worth of clothes. “Enough for the whole campaign!” The thrifty Governor Palin requested that her fans re-use the 2008 campaign signs, “Just cross out McCain and turn the 8 into a 9. We use that trick when filling our travel vouchers at the Governor’s mansion.”

When asked about a running partner and she quickly replied, “You media types can’t trick me this time! We’ve decided not to reveal my running mate until three days before the election so that we can ride the surge in the polls through the voting day stuff.”

How to Fake an Orgasm

Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.

1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”

2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.

3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.

4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.

5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.

McCain's an underdog to the end

GOP confident in scheme to dupe Dems with election day switch

COLUMBUS, OH – There were rounds of high fives and chest bumps at an undisclosed Republican office this Monday night. They were celebrating a successful viral attack on local Democrats. Mr. R (not his real name) was beaming with pride, “We got word from the HQ that we were to do everything possible to get McCain elected. We think we pretty much nailed it.”

Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.



Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”

I skiped school to see Sarah

George Bush's updated list of Presidential Pardons

Porn Star Parking (SFW)

We saw this handicapped parking space at a local restaurant yesterday.

Thanks to Conny, we now know what it is for.

Thanks to Keegan for the photo.

Turn about is fair play for McCain

Empty, originally uploaded by berik.

You may have heard the rumor that Obama kicked three reporters off his campaign jet to make room for a few other media types. The three he kicked off came from newspapers who endorsed McCain.

McCain announced that he, too, was going to remove all the reporters from his campaign jet that came from media outlets that endorsed Obama.

You can see the results.

The Crunchie

A crunchie is a collection of congealed, random deep fryer particles that gather together over several rounds of fast food fries, fish bits, nuggets or cheese sticks and somehow gain buoyancy and are set free once they are big enough to get stuck in the small metal openings of the wire basket.

This crunchie managed to make it past Quality Control person #13 at the local Arby's.



The penny is not there to help you determine the size of the crunchie, but rather to make you think about which would be healthier to swallow.

Anyone got any photographic evidence of a larger crunchie or should I send this photo off to Guinness World Records?

Screenshot of John McCain's 1/2 hour infomercial