So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
Note to self: buy Twizzlers.
The Church of Scientology Sued for Copyright Infringement
LOS ANGELES- By now, you probably have seen the slightly creepy, nine minute video of Tom Cruise discussing his infinite love of the Church of Scientology with the theme from Mission: Impossible looping every eight seconds 
in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.
Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.
The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.
in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.
The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars
Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Try not to laugh
This is a game show from Japan. I'm not sure what the rules are but I DARE YOU not to laugh.
How they tow cars in Paris
When John and I were in Paris, we saw this:
The "tow truck" came along, the driver opened the illegally parked car with a Slim Jim, rolled down both windows, ran a chain through, hooked it to the crane, and then set the smaller car on top the other two he had on the flatbed.
The "tow truck" came along, the driver opened the illegally parked car with a Slim Jim, rolled down both windows, ran a chain through, hooked it to the crane, and then set the smaller car on top the other two he had on the flatbed.
*Figures sold separately
For $3,200 with $650 shipping, you'd think they could throw in a Han Solo or even a Storm Trooper. How 'bout a freakin Jawa?
If your interested, you can buy it here at FAO Schwarz:
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