I know you know how to drive just fine, but the asshole in front of you has no idea what the hell he’s doing. Here’s why:
1. Mirrors aren’t positioned right
Mirrors should be adjusted to eliminate blind spots. A passing car should be visible in the driver's rear view mirror and before it disappears, it should be visible in the side view mirror and then in a driver’s peripheral vision before it leaves the side view mirror. Most people adjust their side mirror to see if they’ve left the gas flap open and then leave it there.
2. Doesn't look through cars
Most cars have a good bit of glass in them. In most states, that glass has to be clear. What this means is a driver can look through the cars around them to see stuff. That’s right! Right through it. If they are turning left and the guy next to them is too much of a wimp to turn, they don’t have to wait for him, they just need to look though his car and see if traffic is clear. This helps with passing, too. Fuzzy dice are a problem with this theory. Fat heads too, which is why not a lot of people pass me.
3. Doesn't know how to yield
On ramps are launch pads. By the halfway point of the on ramp, a driver should be doing the speed limit, which I think is around 75. Yield does not mean “be a bitch”. It means playing a game of chicken with the driver they are about to hit. This continues until the mergee backs down or they merger give in and slides in behind him at the last second. Many idiots get up to 50% of the speed limit and start looking backwards at the traffic. Then they hit the brakes. If drivers do as I suggest, they will be at 75 MPH at this point and should pass them on the median.
4. Not a team player
Here is the biggest problem that idiot drivers have: they forget that this is a team effort. If there is a line of 50 cars at a stop light, the 50th guy has a chance to make it through if we all work together. The whole team is expecting that the #1 car has his shit together and will lead the team to victory. #1 car should be watching the cross traffic light. If they look close, they can see it change to yellow and then red. On yellow, the driver should take their foot off the brake as this will cue car #2 which will cue car #3 and so on. Watch their light turn red and make sure no one is going to run it. As soon as it is green, hit it. Don’t fuck around. Gogogogogogogogo!! Of those 50 cars, the first 25 can make it though in the first eight seconds. All cars need to commit! No slamming on the brakes if they get nervous, the team is counting on them! The last car through should be in the middle of the intersection when the light turns red. A team effort, people.
5. Sucks at left turns
I drove in Boston for about four months and the one thing I learned is that the car turning left always shoots through the intersection as soon as the light turns green. I am cool with this. It might piss off the car coming straight though the intersection, unless they expect it, which all drivers should. The second car in line should drive 49.9999% of the way into the intersection, almost nose to nose with the car doing the same on the other side. Drivers just need a bit of space to complete the turn. The second car in line to turn left should be on the #1 cars ass. #3 car should do the same. When the light turns red, all three cars go. Just watch out for the car in cross traffic trying to get the jump on the left turn.
6. Speeds up when you try to pass
While idiot driver is going 53 - 56 MPH on the highway, a normal driver might decide pass him. This is a challenge to idiot driver and they’ll speed up. I notice this all the time on my way to work because I slap the cruise control on for the first half of the trip and I am very aware of how fast I am going. My passing might as well be a reminder to the idiot driver that his genitals are still very small and he’ll take it out on his accelerator. Usually, they speed up just enough to match the passing driver’s speed. I’ve found that, within reason, speeding up and getting past them is enough to dampen their aggression and as soon as they see the bumper, they will slow back down to their widely fluctuating speed until they are passed again. That is unless it’s to get a better shot at you though your rear window.
7. Going straight in the right hand lane
Rights on red are legal in my state. If they aren’t in yours, you should move. Nonetheless, idiot driver in front of you wants to be the first guy at the light so he’ll stray from the left lane to block the right so that you cannot turn right. This is a dick move. They should stay in the left lane, even if there is an opening.
8. Sucks at passing
When an idiot driver passes, they’ll maintain their speed, even if it is .03 MPH faster than the car they are passing. It could take 12 days to pass at that rate. When a driver passes another vehicle, they should get a pair and pass it... now! They should make it thier mission to get around that slower vehicle as fast as possible and then pull over and resume their crappy pre-pass speed.
9. On your ass
(I realize this detracts from the “Idiot In Front of You” theme, but stick with me, it’s the last one.) I keep my distance behind the car in front of me because I do not want to ride up his ass when he slams on his brakes for a kitty cat crossing the street. Idiot driver behind thinks that somehow a driver will speed up if he rides their ass. This is just not cool and does not work into the whole team work theory we spoke of earlier. Drivers should back a couple car lengths. I have learned a trick where I step on the brake pedal with my left foot just enough to trigger the brake light, but not trigger the brakes. That usually freak them the hell back.
10. Does any of the following
Throws shit out the window
Makes out with girlfriend*
Can’t handle road head
Can’t find a CD under the seat
Doesn’t know how to talk and drive
Is out of windshield wiper fluid(guilty)
Is missing a mirror(guilty)
Smoks a pipe
Eats a footlong sub (guilty)
Masturbating (also guilty)
*To end this article, I tell you a story I swear is true: on my way home down 670 one fine evening, I witnessed a car swerving and sped up to see what the hell was going on. In the drivers seat sat a female. The passenger seat there was a male. The male leaned over and grabbed the steering wheel and the driver leaned over and, I assume, BEGAN TO BLOW THE PASSENGER. The car continued down the highway with the dude leaning over, swerving every so often. This continued for six or seven minutes, even as they transitioned between 670E and 270N, until the girl popped up and they pulled off an exit ramp.
For reasons which you may be aware, I have always called this Postal Head and think about it whenever I travel down 670.
Beer and Birth Control
As seen on the ground outside the Varsity Club after the Ohio University v Ohio State game.
Cleocin: Orange flavored dog turd
Greg had strep for the fourth time in two months and we were weary. We’d gone from the bubble gum amoxicillin to some antibiotic with twice as many l’s and i’s. None of them could kick the strep. We were weary.
The day after Greg’s birthday party, he had the now familiar red throat, belly ache and splotchy face. (Oh, that reminds me. If your kid was at Greg’s birthday party, you might want to be on the look out for strep symptoms.) We took him back to the doctors and they prescribed Cleocin.
I’m 40 years old and as a kid the only good tasting medicine we had was the orangey tasting baby aspirin. Cough syrup had a mild cherry flavor with an undesirable, bitter after taste. I think most cillins came in a needle back then. Kids these days have it easy on the taste buds. All of Greg’s medicines taste good. Orange flavored Motrin. Grape flavored Tylenol. I think I saw a crème brûlée bottle of aspirin in the back of the medicine cabinet.
But not Cleocin. Cleocin tastes like poop. Really. I’m being completely honest when I say it smells like a two week old cat box. It’s got an acidic taste that burns the tongue and leaves an awful taste in your mouth almost as bad as the 06' & '07 Ohio State National Championship losses. Almost.
The pharmacist tried to help by flavoring it. I’m not sure if you’ve ever eaten a dog turd, but I can guess that sprinkling orange flavoring on it does not really change the taste. She said it was nasty stuff and she was right.
That first night, Greg was in for a big surprise. Normally, kids’ medicines are dosed at 3/4 tsp or maybe 1 tsp once or twice a day. The Cleocin was two teaspoons every six hours. We loaded up a plastic dosing syringe and called for the boy. “Yummy! Medicine!” Sucker. I got it all in and he swallowed it before the tongue could talk to the brain. He looked up at me with a face of betrayal. “That was yucky.”
At the next dosage, he knew what was up and would not take the medicine. I will leave out the heart wrenching details of restraining him and forcing this medicinal vitriol down his throat.
The pharmacist suggested we mix the medicine in with other foods to mask the taste. Here is the list of recipes we tried along with the (taste factor) and outcomes:
Straight medicine
The day after Greg’s birthday party, he had the now familiar red throat, belly ache and splotchy face. (Oh, that reminds me. If your kid was at Greg’s birthday party, you might want to be on the look out for strep symptoms.) We took him back to the doctors and they prescribed Cleocin.
I’m 40 years old and as a kid the only good tasting medicine we had was the orangey tasting baby aspirin. Cough syrup had a mild cherry flavor with an undesirable, bitter after taste. I think most cillins came in a needle back then. Kids these days have it easy on the taste buds. All of Greg’s medicines taste good. Orange flavored Motrin. Grape flavored Tylenol. I think I saw a crème brûlée bottle of aspirin in the back of the medicine cabinet.
But not Cleocin. Cleocin tastes like poop. Really. I’m being completely honest when I say it smells like a two week old cat box. It’s got an acidic taste that burns the tongue and leaves an awful taste in your mouth almost as bad as the 06' & '07 Ohio State National Championship losses. Almost.
The pharmacist tried to help by flavoring it. I’m not sure if you’ve ever eaten a dog turd, but I can guess that sprinkling orange flavoring on it does not really change the taste. She said it was nasty stuff and she was right.
That first night, Greg was in for a big surprise. Normally, kids’ medicines are dosed at 3/4 tsp or maybe 1 tsp once or twice a day. The Cleocin was two teaspoons every six hours. We loaded up a plastic dosing syringe and called for the boy. “Yummy! Medicine!” Sucker. I got it all in and he swallowed it before the tongue could talk to the brain. He looked up at me with a face of betrayal. “That was yucky.”
At the next dosage, he knew what was up and would not take the medicine. I will leave out the heart wrenching details of restraining him and forcing this medicinal vitriol down his throat.
The pharmacist suggested we mix the medicine in with other foods to mask the taste. Here is the list of recipes we tried along with the (taste factor) and outcomes:
Straight medicine
(yucky)
DO NOT WANT
Mixed with chocolate syrup
Mixed into chocolate milk
Popsicle, chocolate square, then medicine
Mixed with chocolate pudding
Mixed with chocolate frosting
Mixed with chocolate syrup
(wretched)
syrup acted like napalm sticking to mouth, extending the contact time with tongue
Mixed into chocolate milk
(still wretched)
bitter taste and could not drink the whole thing
Popsicle, chocolate square, then medicine
(cold chocolate turd taste)
popsicle was to numb mouth, chocolate to coat mouth and shield tongue from taste – failed
Mixed with chocolate pudding
(DNF)
he took one taste and knew the medicine was in there
Mixed with chocolate frosting
(pukey)
sticky frosting stayed in mouth, exponential wretchedness
My sister Amy's husband Joe called to give us some medical advice. He mentioned that there are Compound Pharmacists who will mix the medicine with other stuff to make yucky medicine palatable. For instance taking medicine and turning it into a lollipop. That gave me an idea.
I took two orange pez candies and crushed them, mixed in ½ tsp Orange Flavored Motrin, and a teaspoon of sugar substitute with the medicine. Mix well. It turned a pale orange so you know it had to taste good! Suck up in syringe. I had Greg chew up two pez and then with a lot of coaching and tears, gave him the medicine. IT WORKED!
We refined the recipe. It’s now four Smarties (they crush easy), 1/4 tsp of dry Tang power and the medicine with a few drops of water. Ta da! Take two Smarties, hit the syringe and chase it with a few other Smarties.
I think most of it is mental. You don’t want to tell your kid you are sneaking them medicine, but once they figure it out, they remember and make everything else that much harder. When you are up front and do tell them it is medicine, they fight you.
In the end, I think it was the orange color from the Pez and the Motrin that made him try the final concoction. Sucker!
My sister Amy's husband Joe called to give us some medical advice. He mentioned that there are Compound Pharmacists who will mix the medicine with other stuff to make yucky medicine palatable. For instance taking medicine and turning it into a lollipop. That gave me an idea.
I took two orange pez candies and crushed them, mixed in ½ tsp Orange Flavored Motrin, and a teaspoon of sugar substitute with the medicine. Mix well. It turned a pale orange so you know it had to taste good! Suck up in syringe. I had Greg chew up two pez and then with a lot of coaching and tears, gave him the medicine. IT WORKED!
We refined the recipe. It’s now four Smarties (they crush easy), 1/4 tsp of dry Tang power and the medicine with a few drops of water. Ta da! Take two Smarties, hit the syringe and chase it with a few other Smarties.
I think most of it is mental. You don’t want to tell your kid you are sneaking them medicine, but once they figure it out, they remember and make everything else that much harder. When you are up front and do tell them it is medicine, they fight you.
In the end, I think it was the orange color from the Pez and the Motrin that made him try the final concoction. Sucker!
Twins
Sometimes you accidentally end up dressing similarly to someone at work.
Sometimes it gets downright creepy.
Right down to the shoes.
Sometimes it gets downright creepy.
Right down to the shoes.
The Insert Key Returns
Many of you may know that I do not like the INSERT key. When I get to a new job, I remove it. When I get ready to leave that job, I replace it.
So here is my keyboard now:
I am leaving my current job and taking on another.
I want you to all be aware that this may affect the frequency of "Erik Eats" segments. Right now I average about 23 Erik Eats segments a week (most go unpublished) and I will try to keep that number around 15 per week. This means that my son Greg will not be able to play any winter sports, but my readers are far more important than my children.
I did find one positive thing about cleaning off my desk. It makes for a very nice napping spot.
I'll let you know how things turn out. Wish me luck!
So here is my keyboard now:
I am leaving my current job and taking on another.
I want you to all be aware that this may affect the frequency of "Erik Eats" segments. Right now I average about 23 Erik Eats segments a week (most go unpublished) and I will try to keep that number around 15 per week. This means that my son Greg will not be able to play any winter sports, but my readers are far more important than my children.
I did find one positive thing about cleaning off my desk. It makes for a very nice napping spot.
I'll let you know how things turn out. Wish me luck!
Gunnullostra
Gunnullostra (n) - The national sport of Chile. Usually played with two, 17 person teams.
Swedish Fish Dis
Two days ago I got a comment on my story about how 100 calorie packs of Swedish Fish are not as good as the full sized ones.
In the story I suggest that people DO NOT buy the smaller Swedish Fish and instead eat about 5 of the regular sized fish as they equal about 100 calories.
The comment was by someone named "Anonymous" and it said:
Your calorie count is way off. According to their website, 100 calories is about 14 fish (19 pieces are 140 calories) - http://www.swedishfish.com/products.html#red
So I said:
Hello Anon! You have issued me a challenge. I hope you understand what you have done.
I am going to go out, buy a bag of the regular sized fish and then I am going to math. I'm gonna math hard.
I'll post the results.
The winner gets a bag of Swedish fish.
Deal?
So I went out and purchased an 8oz bag of the regular sized fish and here is a photo of the Nutrition Facts:
Serving size is 7 pieces and a serving has 150 calories. Divide 7 into 150 and you get about... crap. let me get a calculator.
21.42 calories per fish
100 divided by 21.42 is 4.6 or about 5.
You owe me a bag of fish Anonymous! You can e-mail the fish to me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
In the story I suggest that people DO NOT buy the smaller Swedish Fish and instead eat about 5 of the regular sized fish as they equal about 100 calories.
The comment was by someone named "Anonymous" and it said:
Your calorie count is way off. According to their website, 100 calories is about 14 fish (19 pieces are 140 calories) - http://www.swedishfish.com/products.html#red
So I said:
Hello Anon! You have issued me a challenge. I hope you understand what you have done.
I am going to go out, buy a bag of the regular sized fish and then I am going to math. I'm gonna math hard.
I'll post the results.
The winner gets a bag of Swedish fish.
Deal?
So I went out and purchased an 8oz bag of the regular sized fish and here is a photo of the Nutrition Facts:
Serving size is 7 pieces and a serving has 150 calories. Divide 7 into 150 and you get about... crap. let me get a calculator.
21.42 calories per fish
100 divided by 21.42 is 4.6 or about 5.
You owe me a bag of fish Anonymous! You can e-mail the fish to me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
condrariam
condrariam -n A word that Sarah Palin actually thinks is a real word and then when she finds out it isn't, makes up some excuse as to why it should be a word.
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