Reasons Why The Idiot In Front of You Can’t Drive

I know you know how to drive just fine, but the asshole in front of you has no idea what the hell he’s doing. Here’s why:

1. Mirrors aren’t positioned right
Mirrors should be adjusted to eliminate blind spots. A passing car should be visible in the driver's rear view mirror and before it disappears, it should be visible in the side view mirror and then in a driver’s peripheral vision before it leaves the side view mirror. Most people adjust their side mirror to see if they’ve left the gas flap open and then leave it there.

2. Doesn't look through cars
Most cars have a good bit of glass in them. In most states, that glass has to be clear. What this means is a driver can look through the cars around them to see stuff. That’s right! Right through it. If they are turning left and the guy next to them is too much of a wimp to turn, they don’t have to wait for him, they just need to look though his car and see if traffic is clear. This helps with passing, too. Fuzzy dice are a problem with this theory. Fat heads too, which is why not a lot of people pass me.

3. Doesn't know how to yield
On ramps are launch pads. By the halfway point of the on ramp, a driver should be doing the speed limit, which I think is around 75. Yield does not mean “be a bitch”. It means playing a game of chicken with the driver they are about to hit. This continues until the mergee backs down or they merger give in and slides in behind him at the last second. Many idiots get up to 50% of the speed limit and start looking backwards at the traffic. Then they hit the brakes. If drivers do as I suggest, they will be at 75 MPH at this point and should pass them on the median.

4. Not a team player
Here is the biggest problem that idiot drivers have: they forget that this is a team effort. If there is a line of 50 cars at a stop light, the 50th guy has a chance to make it through if we all work together. The whole team is expecting that the #1 car has his shit together and will lead the team to victory. #1 car should be watching the cross traffic light. If they look close, they can see it change to yellow and then red. On yellow, the driver should take their foot off the brake as this will cue car #2 which will cue car #3 and so on. Watch their light turn red and make sure no one is going to run it. As soon as it is green, hit it. Don’t fuck around. Gogogogogogogogo!! Of those 50 cars, the first 25 can make it though in the first eight seconds. All cars need to commit! No slamming on the brakes if they get nervous, the team is counting on them! The last car through should be in the middle of the intersection when the light turns red. A team effort, people.

5. Sucks at left turns
I drove in Boston for about four months and the one thing I learned is that the car turning left always shoots through the intersection as soon as the light turns green. I am cool with this. It might piss off the car coming straight though the intersection, unless they expect it, which all drivers should. The second car in line should drive 49.9999% of the way into the intersection, almost nose to nose with the car doing the same on the other side. Drivers just need a bit of space to complete the turn. The second car in line to turn left should be on the #1 cars ass. #3 car should do the same. When the light turns red, all three cars go. Just watch out for the car in cross traffic trying to get the jump on the left turn.

6. Speeds up when you try to pass
While idiot driver is going 53 - 56 MPH on the highway, a normal driver might decide pass him. This is a challenge to idiot driver and they’ll speed up. I notice this all the time on my way to work because I slap the cruise control on for the first half of the trip and I am very aware of how fast I am going. My passing might as well be a reminder to the idiot driver that his genitals are still very small and he’ll take it out on his accelerator. Usually, they speed up just enough to match the passing driver’s speed. I’ve found that, within reason, speeding up and getting past them is enough to dampen their aggression and as soon as they see the bumper, they will slow back down to their widely fluctuating speed until they are passed again. That is unless it’s to get a better shot at you though your rear window.

7. Going straight in the right hand lane
Rights on red are legal in my state. If they aren’t in yours, you should move. Nonetheless, idiot driver in front of you wants to be the first guy at the light so he’ll stray from the left lane to block the right so that you cannot turn right. This is a dick move. They should stay in the left lane, even if there is an opening.

8. Sucks at passing
When an idiot driver passes, they’ll maintain their speed, even if it is .03 MPH faster than the car they are passing. It could take 12 days to pass at that rate. When a driver passes another vehicle, they should get a pair and pass it... now! They should make it thier mission to get around that slower vehicle as fast as possible and then pull over and resume their crappy pre-pass speed.

9. On your ass
(I realize this detracts from the “Idiot In Front of You” theme, but stick with me, it’s the last one.) I keep my distance behind the car in front of me because I do not want to ride up his ass when he slams on his brakes for a kitty cat crossing the street. Idiot driver behind thinks that somehow a driver will speed up if he rides their ass. This is just not cool and does not work into the whole team work theory we spoke of earlier. Drivers should back a couple car lengths. I have learned a trick where I step on the brake pedal with my left foot just enough to trigger the brake light, but not trigger the brakes. That usually freak them the hell back.

10. Does any of the following
Throws shit out the window
Makes out with girlfriend*
Can’t handle road head
Can’t find a CD under the seat
Doesn’t know how to talk and drive
Is out of windshield wiper fluid(guilty)
Is missing a mirror(guilty)
Smoks a pipe
Eats a footlong sub (guilty)
Masturbating (also guilty)

*To end this article, I tell you a story I swear is true: on my way home down 670 one fine evening, I witnessed a car swerving and sped up to see what the hell was going on. In the drivers seat sat a female. The passenger seat there was a male. The male leaned over and grabbed the steering wheel and the driver leaned over and, I assume, BEGAN TO BLOW THE PASSENGER. The car continued down the highway with the dude leaning over, swerving every so often. This continued for six or seven minutes, even as they transitioned between 670E and 270N, until the girl popped up and they pulled off an exit ramp.

For reasons which you may be aware, I have always called this Postal Head and think about it whenever I travel down 670.


Doooh_head said...

Hey dude,

You are so totally correct in everything you mention and I can relate to every situation described.
Great post!

Anonymous said...

Meh, your number 6 point irks me a bit. There's nothing wrong with driving 53-56 on the highway, as long as the minimum speed is less than the speed they're driving and they're in the right hand lane. This is the reason for multiple lanes, one or more for cruising and one or more for passing. There's no reason to call someone an idiot for driving 53-55, in most urban areas the speed limit on the interstates are 55 or less.

Though I do agree with your point about the passee speeding up when the passer is passing, that is wrong.

HolyJuan said...

First off, I hate the word "meh" but I'll let you off on that.

Second, I think my calling him "idiot guy" is his name, rather than "he's an idiot for driving under the speed limit." I've got no problem with people driving under the speed limit as long as they stay in the right hand lane and they don't saddle up next to the person they are passing.

I think we are on the same page. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Coogan said...

So, I was thinking ... this guy could be in the Columbus area, given he describes so many central Ohio drivers. Then that whole I-670, I-270 reference gives it away.

Unless there's some other major city with both these interstates. In which case, never mind.

HolyJuan said...

Damnit. My cover is blown.

tegulevi said...

its called "the post master"

Anonymous said...

#7 is my biggest road rage item! You are NOT the only person on the road. People are so selfish and ego-centric, it is ridiculous!

Anonymous said...

What about the traffic speed limit enforcers. Those who drive side by side on a 2 lane hwy. to set the pace for everyone behind them. (in heavy traffic like rush hour)Almost like #6 but twice as bad.

Anonymous said...

About "traffic speed limit enforcers." I cannot stand them either. If there is two lanes, and two cars are traveling side by side for more than a couple of minutes - I flash my brights to the guy in the left lane. USUALLY, this gives him the - "HEY GET GOING OR MOVE OVER F**K FACE!" If that fails, I say f**k it and pass on the shoulder. I know - I know, it's dangerous, but if the guys an @ss, and you have been behind the same two cars for ten minutes - they had it coming. Hopefully, you're move to pass on the shoulder will give those behind you the balls to do the same, and the jack@ss who refuses to pass the car next to him will get the picture that he's a pr*ck.

Anonymous said...

#3 and #4 cause my blood pressure to double every day of my life. I think that people think if they accelerate at a rate of 1mph per second, it'll save gas. My voice is usually hoarse every time I reach my destination from yelling "gogogogogogogogo!!!!".

If I could add one more thing to this list, it would be people that slam on the brakes as soon as they see the light turn yellow when 5 cars could easily have made it through before red. That really grinds my gears. Oh, one more... people who hold up traffic to change lanes because they're about to miss their turn. If you weren't in the correct lane to begin with, suck it up and pass your turn... then turn around and come back!

Gracey Castro said...

Don't be such a whiner! Try driving in Joysee, the good ole Garden State. We have the 'singular testicle driver'. They remember they have a ball and race you, pass you, cut you off, then slow to a crawling pace and continue this stalking everytime you go to another lane to avoid them.
We have sheep herders too, they race on the left lane than begin their tour trip ahead at below 30mph, causing all the traffic you hear on the news.