My Guess - Opera Mini
I tired to guess December 31, 2999 at 23:59:59 but it defaulted to January 19th, 2039 3:14:07. I wonder why that date is special.
Rejected
Sadly, GQ rejected me in 2009 for their next year's calendar. They finally sent my photo back:
It took me about half an hour to get down from there.
It took me about half an hour to get down from there.
How Long is Your Finger?
My co-worker, Levi, decided to not deal with the hassle of carrying around a 3 inch ruler, so he had one tattooed on his finger. I'm sure it is a great idea, but now in Levi's language there are only things that are less than 3" and more than 3".
Eating an Eagle
A man is brought before the judge. He was found by park rangers, in the middle of the forest, eating a bald eagle. The judge said, "Before I lock you up, I'll give you a chance to explain yourself."
The man fell to his knees on the floor. "Your honor! I had been lost in the woods for days. I was starving to death when I came upon an already dead eagle! I ate it to survive!
The judge believed the man and let him off. He called the man to the bench and whispered to him, "So I've always wondered... what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
The man thought and then answered, "Like a cross between a Passenger Pigeon and a Tasmanian Tiger."
The man fell to his knees on the floor. "Your honor! I had been lost in the woods for days. I was starving to death when I came upon an already dead eagle! I ate it to survive!
The judge believed the man and let him off. He called the man to the bench and whispered to him, "So I've always wondered... what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
The man thought and then answered, "Like a cross between a Passenger Pigeon and a Tasmanian Tiger."
Getting it out of the way
Normally, my 1st grader has one word family word each week (words with the same ending like big, rig and dig.) This week he had two. I'm starting to think the teacher is trying to wrap it all up in one week.
Next week's word families: _hit and _unt.
Next week's word families: _hit and _unt.
Jobs for Recently Kicked Out of Iraq Blackwater Workers
Blackwater is in deep water. A number of months ago, Iraq denied the protection services company a renewal of their operating license. This left hundreds of highly trained protection services people angry and bored. The last thing anyone wants is for three or four Blackwater guys to wake up in the morning and say, “What do you want to do today?”
To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.
Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.
Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.
Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.
Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.
Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.
Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.
Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.
To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.
Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.
Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.
Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.
Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.
Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.
Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.
Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.
What up, Stu!
Of all people, I ran into Stu at Circus during the Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos show. Time has been good to him, but obviously his vision is the only thing that has changed.
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