COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – Rex Mullins is in his garage, wedged under a large, egg shaped metal contraption, tracing wires and looking for the short that was created during the last test run. “Got it!” He asks me to hand him a red spool of wire and some wire cutters. He remarks, “This will be so much easier for the past me to build this once I hand myself the instructions six years ago!”
Rex is building a time machine. His time travel plan is so off base that I am going to have him say it in his own words. “I plan on going back in time to kill Karl Rove so that John Kerry will win the 2004 Presidential election which will then, in turn, keep Obama from running and thus winning the 2008 Presidential election.” Rex elaborates, “Without Rove, Bush didn’t have a chance of winning. Rove masterminded the election turn around. He messed with the public polling. Heck, I think he rigged half the voting machines in Ohio. Without him, Bush won’t win in 2004 and Obama won’t run in 2008. Pretty ingenious if you ask me.”
We headed back inside Rex’s modest home while he took a break from building. He looked around the kitchen and said, “I like this place, but while I’m back in time I’m going to move my investments around. Dump them right before the bottom falls out. Once I get back to 2009, I’ll buy up a foreclosed mansion.”
Rex’s plan was hatched a few weeks ago when he happened to catch the first half of Back to the Future 3 right after watching an episode of Dr. Who. “Then it hit me. Get Kerry to win and no Obama.” Rex said he knew Kerry couldn’t win on his own, so he had to get Bush to lose. “That’s when it hit me… kill Rove in 2003 and no Bush win in 2004. I hate to kill a fellow Republican, but if that’s what it takes… I’ll do it.”
As Rex showed me around the house, we came upon some photographs. Rex became quiet as he stared a photo of an older woman. “My mother passed away the night Obama was elected. Some say it was chance. I think she died of a broken heart.” He picked the photo up looked for a moment before reflecting, “How many other elderly people died that election night? You people in the media laugh, but Obama’s been killing elderly folks even before his health care death panels are instituted. I plan to change that.”
As we headed back in the kitchen, I asked him why he didn’t just go back and knock off Obama. Rex laughed, “You haven’t read up on your time travel history. See, Obama’s the next Hitler, and you just can’t go back in time and kill Hitler cause then someone comes back in time a little earlier and kills you. This way, it’s nice and clean.”
When I asked him if perhaps Karl Rove had been brought back in time by a future Rex Mullins to help Bush win the 2004 election to keep Kerry from being elected. Rex mulled that over for a bit. “Damn. I never thought about it that way. Maybe it’s Rove that is the next Hitler and I’m just retracing mistakes made by a past time traveling me.” He got up and poured himself a glass of wine. After half a glass he came to terms with himself. “I’m going to stick to Plan A. If I see another me in the past, I guess I’ll just have to kill him too. I’d rather have Karl Rove Hitler than an Obama Hitler.”
Rex plans on going back in time next week.
“I first plan on traveling back to August 4, 1961 and destroying Obama’s birth certificate just to really piss him off.”
Horrible Request
This is a scan of a letter that we received at work via fax. I have covered up the bits that would reveal the name of the lunatic that wrote it. I mean, you'd have to be crazy to send this letter out in its current format.
(Sorry, I cannot size this photo correctly so you can squint to read it or click on it to get a HUGE version.)
(Sorry, I cannot size this photo correctly so you can squint to read it or click on it to get a HUGE version.)
Messing with the Urologist
This is the label from the specimen container which I turned over to my Urologist. It was four weeks after my vasectomy and they were checking to see if there were any swimmers left.
He's a Urologist so I assume he has a sense of humor.
He's a Urologist so I assume he has a sense of humor.
Lia's in 614 Magazine
My friend Lia got published in Columbus' own, 614 Magazine.
Check her article out here (http://614columbus.com/magazine/10-01-2009/on-the-death-of-post-modernism).
Check her article out here (http://614columbus.com/magazine/10-01-2009/on-the-death-of-post-modernism).
Not so Free Child Identification
Nothing is free. Especially not fingerprinting for your child by Western-Southern Financial Group. You might see them at local festivals or fairs advertising that they will provide a free ID for your child. Sounds great, right?
Basically this is a scam to sell life insurance. From their website:
“YES! I’d like to receive a free Child ID Card for my child(ren). I understand that an agent will contact me to schedule an appointment to create the Child ID Card(s). This appointment may include an insurance sales presentation.”
They say no purchase is required, but if you value your time, pass up on this offer.
Miss Sally had some nincompoop saleswoman, who showed up at the pre-school, run her around in circles for ten minutes, avoiding the question of whether this was really “free.” The woman finally admitted that Western-Southern would be contacting the parents to discuss life insurance opportunities. Miss Sally sent her packing.
If you are going to be out and about with your child, keep a couple of photos handy with their name and stats written on the back just in case they do wander off. If your kids are like mine, they look different every six months and the ID cards quickly become outdated.
Basically this is a scam to sell life insurance. From their website:
“YES! I’d like to receive a free Child ID Card for my child(ren). I understand that an agent will contact me to schedule an appointment to create the Child ID Card(s). This appointment may include an insurance sales presentation.”
They say no purchase is required, but if you value your time, pass up on this offer.
Miss Sally had some nincompoop saleswoman, who showed up at the pre-school, run her around in circles for ten minutes, avoiding the question of whether this was really “free.” The woman finally admitted that Western-Southern would be contacting the parents to discuss life insurance opportunities. Miss Sally sent her packing.
If you are going to be out and about with your child, keep a couple of photos handy with their name and stats written on the back just in case they do wander off. If your kids are like mine, they look different every six months and the ID cards quickly become outdated.
Washington Gas Light Company Sends $0.01 check
@athikerpickle got a check from the Washington Gas Light Company for $0.01. One measly cent.
They sent it in the mail which cost $0.44. They also processed the check which probably cost a few cents as well. If you think about the trees cut to make the paper and the chemicals to make the magnetic ink and carbon footprint of the processing; this check for one cent put a hole is the ozone the size of 2,486 football fields.
Luckily for the Washington Gas Light Company, they probably own a logging company, a magnetic ink company and a company that will sell you carbon credits for a small, outrageous fee. In sending this check, they made $1.3 million dollars.
Thanks @athikerpickle!
They sent it in the mail which cost $0.44. They also processed the check which probably cost a few cents as well. If you think about the trees cut to make the paper and the chemicals to make the magnetic ink and carbon footprint of the processing; this check for one cent put a hole is the ozone the size of 2,486 football fields.
Luckily for the Washington Gas Light Company, they probably own a logging company, a magnetic ink company and a company that will sell you carbon credits for a small, outrageous fee. In sending this check, they made $1.3 million dollars.
Thanks @athikerpickle!
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