I had a vasectomy today

I had a vasectomy today. Here are the basics of how my day went:

Woke up screaming.

While getting the kids ready for school, I read the “Pre-Surgery” instructions. I learned that I was supposed to be scrubbing my loins for the past five days. I’m sure my cursory “soap across the balls” does not meet their definition of scrubbing.

Kissed Miss Sally goodbye and confirmed that she would be picking me up at noon thirty.

Got in the shower and gave myself a good 2 ½ days worth of scrubbing action. By 1867 standards, I would be blind now.

I shaved my balls.

I got out of the… hold on, what? You SHAVED YOUR BALLS?

That’s right. The instructions said to shave them and they got shaved. I pulled out my grooming kit. Knocked the shrubbery down as short as the guard on the electric trimmer would let me and then I jumped in the shower. Balls are not a good medium to be dragging a sharp blade across. And the reason I know this is because I spent a full 30 minutes bent over and staring at my ugly, wrinkly, bigger than average, dropped melon shaped nutsack. Men, don’t ever examine your balls with your eyes. Check for cancer, but do so with your eyes closed. Women, kudos to you for even getting within three feet of that withered fruit, change purse.

Shaving balls is like trying to wrap a coat hanger around a whipped cream covered balloon. As soon as pressure is applied, skin around the man grapes distorts and deflects away from the blade. I found it best to stretch the loose skin in a tennis racquet stringer to create the proper tension on the surface. Let's just say I pulled things taut and did the best I could. Thirty minutes later, I was done.

I got out of the shower, got dressed and went to Target to buy tidytighty-whities like the instructions suggested. I also bought two bags of frozen peas. And Swedish Fish (Comfort food, not for a dissolving stitches replacement). Back at home, I put on tidy-whities for the first time in 25 years. At least now tidytighty-whities come in different colors.

Sally picked me up and we drove to the MD office.

Checked in and only waited 2 minutes before being called back.

The MD assistant was very, very cute. We went to room #7.

She told me to remove my clothes below the waist and hang them up. It was then that I realized that she would be seeing my shaved balls and cold, shriveled penis. Usually, I bone up very easily and would be concerned/embarrassed about that, but I was nervous and cold and more concerned that the cute chick would have trouble deciding which was balls and which was penis.

I got undressed and sat on the table. She came back in and gave me a sheet to cover my shame. I laid back and she got everything in the room ready for the surgery. From this point on, I did not look down and instead counted the holes in the ceiling tiles.

Doc came in and we had some chit chat about the music on the radio and that he was going to feel me up like he did at the previous examination.

He then gave me a good scrubbing with some soapy something. I haven’t had that kind of action from a guy in months.

Surgical pads were placed around my loins so that only my balls were showing. The pads had adhesive on them, but I didn’t find that out until the end.

There was a shot, some numbing, a little pressure, a little more pressure some chit chat. Then another shot, more pressure, a lot of talk about my work and then it was done. Stitch, stitch. That quick. About fifteen minutes from the first numbing shot to doc walking out of the room.

Cute girl cleaned up and took the surgical pads off and hoo-boy they have a little stick to them. One of them goes right across the penis and though it didn’t hurt, it was like a leash giving me a tug. And not the kind of tug you get at the Asian Spa at the airport.

Cute assistant left so I could get dressed. (I don’t get this… she just was in close proximity to my junk for 30 minutes and she leaves so I can put my clothes on?)

She came back in and read me the TO DO and NOT TO DO, told me that swelling was normal, slapped me on the ass and shoved me out the door.

Since I got home, I’ve been rotating frozen peas on and off my groin every 20 minutes. I’ve taken Advil, though we picked up a prescription pain reliever just in case.

I’ve played Wii. I watched Caddy Shack. I messed around on the computer. The kids came home from pre-school and Greg was as interested as a six year old could be about testicles and what the hell happened to me. He used at least five pronunciations for testicles and he slipped a “balls” in there once or twice with me correcting him to use the proper word.

I’m not sure where he learned to say balls.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wanna say I am sorry so bad...But after having my period for a few decades and knowing what will come when that ends so I cant have any more children....well I am thinking Half a day looks good in my book!
But still..sorry...OUCH!! And I am not talking about the stinging humiliation of the adhesive!
R.

The Nag said...

I had this done to my cat and now he doesn't do much of anything, just finds a warm spot in the sun and lays there all day.

Kathy said...

I used to be that assistant for a different doc many years ago, so it was hilarious to read what the patient was actually thinking and doing prior to, during and after the big event. :) Thanks HolyJuan. Hope all comes out ok. :)

Patti said...

hm, my hubby didn't have to shave. of course he also didn't get a cute assistant, so i think you two are even. :D

when my oldest was about 3, i was giving him a bath and said "was your penis and your testicles" and he replied "you mean my BALLS!". i was a bit dumbfounded, but apparently daddy had taught him that. i suppose we never had the discussion about what word we would use. so, balls it is.

Patti said...

that was supposed to be WASH.

Sh0rtWave said...

Yeah see. I got the vasectomy done, but it was a horror story.

I get back from the doctor ok, but the first thing that happens, I wind up leaping to my wife's rescue in the kitchen when there was a flame incident with some steak.

Then 4 days later, a cat lands on my testicles. A 28 lbs cat. Moving at around mach 4. Uses them for a springboard. HOLY CRAP.

That's the closest thing I've ever had to a religious experience.

At the follow up exam, the doctor was confused about what he called "extra, unusual swelling", until I explained. Then he laughed.

JameyB said...

The real fun will begin when your ball hair begins to grow back in...

Doug said...

No way... I've already constructed a "Dip My Balls In It" container and purchased a gallon of Nair.

I'm never going back!

Anonymous said...

My brother had this done a few years ago. Now he has problems with his balls swelling up and becoming very tender. As you know my brother is single, so my mother has to rub his balls every now and then to help relieve the swelling. It's a good thing you have Miss Sally.
Larry

Kristen said...

Believe it or not, Gillette actually has an official video on groin shaving.

sedgehurst said...

Let me be the first to ask: which airport?

the gourmez said...

For the record, I believe it is "tighty-whitey" not "tidy-whitey" but as a wife who is grateful her own husband did this as well, you can call it whatever you want.

starrytwilight said...

I just love the line:
He then gave me a good scrubbing with some soapy something. I haven’t had that kind of action from a guy in months.

Brillant! Hope all is mending and well. :)

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. You done a good thing. I had mine done when I was 28. I'm 57 now so I have been neutered for more than half my life. No regrets, no side effects. Just peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

Did it for selfish reasons. I didn't want any more children, so I have no regrets. The wife and I have had a wonderful, healthy life.

Anonymous said...

I call it getting your nuts loosened.

The Doc, said if you think you are smelling burning flesh? You are.

Misanthropy Today said...

Hilarious. Not to be a picky peter but I think that "Tighty whities" is spelled like that.

Anonymous said...

Wait she slapped your ass too?

Anonymous said...

A few hours of pain is preferable to an unwanted pregnancy and 18 years of being reminded of a mistake. Good for you for doing the right thing! Thanks for sharing your experiences, and I hope it inspires others to consider this procedure.

lojasmo said...

For the record, working a sixteen hour shift the day after a vasectomy is NOT a good idea.

Anonymous said...

I was sore for about 3 days after mine. No shaving was required. But it took about 6 months to finally be pronounced sterile. Hitting that little sample jar every 4 weeks and then having too wait in a queue to deliver it.

Testosterone therapy said...

ohh ... how much you worried about your balls....does it hurts after surgery...and how is it going now, a lot of best wishes for your balls ;)

IDisposable said...

Shesh, I did that exact same routine in 1985.

Then, about 15 years later got a reversal. You have NO IDEA.

After three kids, I got the snip again... it was like a slight sprain in comparison.

Anonymous said...

Doing mine in 2 days. Scared sh#$less. How bad does getting numb hurt? I can handle the after throb, but a shot to the sack? SCARY!!!

Anonymous said...

What's even more embarrassing is when the surgeon's assistant, who is checking to make sure you followed all of the instructions for the pre-procedure preparation, tells you that you didn't shave close enough, or you missed some spots. The assistant, who was a middle-aged woman in my case, then shaved me with a disposable razor and shave soap. They had the shaving kit right there in the procedure room all ready to be used, so I guess a significant number of patients show up for their vasectomy appointment with still too much hair. This was maybe the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. At least she didn't laugh, or even crack a grin. Not an experience I would ever want to repeat. The vasectomy itself was okay, the urologist who did it was an older guy, who's probably seen more balls in his career than the average Porn star, so that didn't bother me. It was just the shaving thing. I suppose I should have asked my wife to check before I got out of the shower, I could have then done the extra shaving myself, but I didn't think of it.