Scan from Parenting Magazine
I think it's really the look on the kid's face that creeps me out. He seems half sad and half kill-you-while-you-sleep-for-taking-away-the-only-joy-I-had-in-life.
Creepy Hannibal Lecter Thumb Sucking Device
Scan from Parenting Magazine
I think it's really the look on the kid's face that creeps me out. He seems half sad and half kill-you-while-you-sleep-for-taking-away-the-only-joy-I-had-in-life.
Who is Miss Sally?
Miss Sally is my wife. But you already knew that. What many of you have asked me is why I call Miss Sally, "Miss Sally." To make this easier, I’ll call Miss Sally, Sally.
Years and years ago, Sally and I lived together in Columbus. I was working for a local shipyard as a merchant marine and Sally was working at a pre-school as a teacher. Sally was the lead teacher in a room full of four year olds. At the pre-school, all the children called their teachers by their first name, but with a Miss in front of it. Miss Carrie. Miss Vickie. Miss Sally. But that wasn’t enough for me to start calling her that name. I never got to hear her called Miss Sally, so I really didn’t even know about it.
One day, Sally came home with a funny story about how a little boy came up to her in the middle of the day and blurted out, “Miss Sally! I pooped my pants!” The way she said it was hilarious. I immediately repeated it back to her and we laughed and laughed.
This story would be very boring if you could not hear the inflection of the words. Luckily, we have the internet and youtube so that you can hear how I heard it and how I repeated it back to her:
We spent the evening yelling back and forth from different rooms of the apartment, something like this:
Me- “Miss Sally!”
Sally – “Yes?”
Me- “I pooped my pants!”
The next day we were doing laundry and we said:
Me- “Miss Sally!”
Sally- “Yes?”
Me- “Is this dry clean only?”
Sally-“No.”
Me- “I pooped my pants!”
This continued on ad nauseam in several various and sundry iterations. The only thing that remained constant was that I would call Sally, “Miss Sally.”
At some point, it stuck. I can’t put my finger on the time or date, but I remember Loy making fun of me for it one day and then referring to her as Miss Sally the next without missing a beat. Friends and family sometimes slip and say "Miss Sally" and don’t bat an eye.
I hope that helps with all your questions.
“Miss Sally! I pooped my pants!”
That never gets old. But the boy did. He would be about seventeen years old now and will never know that he lives in infamy.
Years and years ago, Sally and I lived together in Columbus. I was working for a local shipyard as a merchant marine and Sally was working at a pre-school as a teacher. Sally was the lead teacher in a room full of four year olds. At the pre-school, all the children called their teachers by their first name, but with a Miss in front of it. Miss Carrie. Miss Vickie. Miss Sally. But that wasn’t enough for me to start calling her that name. I never got to hear her called Miss Sally, so I really didn’t even know about it.
One day, Sally came home with a funny story about how a little boy came up to her in the middle of the day and blurted out, “Miss Sally! I pooped my pants!” The way she said it was hilarious. I immediately repeated it back to her and we laughed and laughed.
This story would be very boring if you could not hear the inflection of the words. Luckily, we have the internet and youtube so that you can hear how I heard it and how I repeated it back to her:
We spent the evening yelling back and forth from different rooms of the apartment, something like this:
Me- “Miss Sally!”
Sally – “Yes?”
Me- “I pooped my pants!”
The next day we were doing laundry and we said:
Me- “Miss Sally!”
Sally- “Yes?”
Me- “Is this dry clean only?”
Sally-“No.”
Me- “I pooped my pants!”
This continued on ad nauseam in several various and sundry iterations. The only thing that remained constant was that I would call Sally, “Miss Sally.”
At some point, it stuck. I can’t put my finger on the time or date, but I remember Loy making fun of me for it one day and then referring to her as Miss Sally the next without missing a beat. Friends and family sometimes slip and say "Miss Sally" and don’t bat an eye.
I hope that helps with all your questions.
“Miss Sally! I pooped my pants!”
That never gets old. But the boy did. He would be about seventeen years old now and will never know that he lives in infamy.
Telephone Poll Trickery
I tend to be a phone prick. The sales people on the other end sense this and usually hang up before I say anything wiseass-ish. We’re on the Do Not Call list and anyone that does drop us a line is in for a treat as I might be deaf or maybe Pakistani depending on my mood. Someday I’ll work my way up to deaf Pakistani.
I prepared for the worst on Sunday when I saw a call from 919-375-1252. When I picked up and said hello, an automated message started up and explained that they ("they" was left undefined though the robot sounded pretty white) were doing a survey and that they’d only need three minutes of my time. I had three minutes and listened in.
At the first mention of Newt Gingrich I had to smile. Conserative politics! This was going to be fun. I was asked about my favorable/unfavorable opinion of him and to press 1 or 2 depending on my opinion. The list continued with Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin.
The questions then went to Obama and how he was doing in office. Then stimulus questions. So far I was scoring 100% as my opinion is always right.
Next was a series of “who would you vote for” questions: “Who would you vote for between Newt Gingrich and Obama?” Press 1 for Newt Gingrich and 2 for Obama.” “Who would you vote for between Mitt Romney and Obama? Press 1 for Mitt Romney and 2 for Obama” (I’m writing this out for a reason… keep reading.) “Who would you vote for between Mike Huckabee and Obama? Press 1 for Mike Huckabee and 2 for Obama.” “Who would you vote for between Sarah Palin and Obama? Press 1 for Obama and 2 for Sarah Palin.”
What? I mentally replayed what I just heard and I heard it right… they flip flopped the numbers. Trickery! I don’t get why they would do this because they almost fooled me and I’m smart. I assume Sarah Palin supporters would immediately press 1. But then I realized that Obama supporters would more than likely just hit 2. I’m not sure what results they were fishing for, but no matter what, I’d think that 50% of the people (no matter what affiliation) would answer the opposite way if they weren’t listening which would give them the exact same results.
The next series of questions asked about my job and how satisfied I was.
The white robot thanked me and we parted ways.
I went and looked up the phone number online and only found a website for people complaining about being on the Do Not Call list and still getting these unwanted polling calls. Here’s what the Pew people have to say about that:
Legitimate survey research is exempt from the Telemarketing Sales Rule, which was adopted by the Federal Trade Commission to fight fraud and protect consumers from harassment. The rule covers marketing but not opinion polling or market research that does not involve an effort to sell you something. Nonetheless, our telephone survey interviewing centers will honor any request not to be called.
The way the questions were worded made me think this poll was not exactly “Legitimate survey research”
One of the best complaints on the was of what I would categorize as phone rape:
Caller Type: Political Call
Phone Number Report: Without realizing that I didn't know who was calling, I gave answers to a political survey from this number. I believe it is unethical not to identify the organization that is sponsoring the call. When I tried to call back, of course the answer was "We're sorry, your call did not go through." That's when I did the web search to see if anyone else had had problems with this phone number. This is a complaint! With my phone system I can block future calls, but I feel I've been exploited and that my privacy has been invaded.
That complaint made my three wasted minutes completely worthwhile.
I prepared for the worst on Sunday when I saw a call from 919-375-1252. When I picked up and said hello, an automated message started up and explained that they ("they" was left undefined though the robot sounded pretty white) were doing a survey and that they’d only need three minutes of my time. I had three minutes and listened in.
At the first mention of Newt Gingrich I had to smile. Conserative politics! This was going to be fun. I was asked about my favorable/unfavorable opinion of him and to press 1 or 2 depending on my opinion. The list continued with Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin.
The questions then went to Obama and how he was doing in office. Then stimulus questions. So far I was scoring 100% as my opinion is always right.
Next was a series of “who would you vote for” questions: “Who would you vote for between Newt Gingrich and Obama?” Press 1 for Newt Gingrich and 2 for Obama.” “Who would you vote for between Mitt Romney and Obama? Press 1 for Mitt Romney and 2 for Obama” (I’m writing this out for a reason… keep reading.) “Who would you vote for between Mike Huckabee and Obama? Press 1 for Mike Huckabee and 2 for Obama.” “Who would you vote for between Sarah Palin and Obama? Press 1 for Obama and 2 for Sarah Palin.”
What? I mentally replayed what I just heard and I heard it right… they flip flopped the numbers. Trickery! I don’t get why they would do this because they almost fooled me and I’m smart. I assume Sarah Palin supporters would immediately press 1. But then I realized that Obama supporters would more than likely just hit 2. I’m not sure what results they were fishing for, but no matter what, I’d think that 50% of the people (no matter what affiliation) would answer the opposite way if they weren’t listening which would give them the exact same results.
The next series of questions asked about my job and how satisfied I was.
The white robot thanked me and we parted ways.
I went and looked up the phone number online and only found a website for people complaining about being on the Do Not Call list and still getting these unwanted polling calls. Here’s what the Pew people have to say about that:
Legitimate survey research is exempt from the Telemarketing Sales Rule, which was adopted by the Federal Trade Commission to fight fraud and protect consumers from harassment. The rule covers marketing but not opinion polling or market research that does not involve an effort to sell you something. Nonetheless, our telephone survey interviewing centers will honor any request not to be called.
The way the questions were worded made me think this poll was not exactly “Legitimate survey research”
One of the best complaints on the was of what I would categorize as phone rape:
Caller Type: Political Call
Phone Number Report: Without realizing that I didn't know who was calling, I gave answers to a political survey from this number. I believe it is unethical not to identify the organization that is sponsoring the call. When I tried to call back, of course the answer was "We're sorry, your call did not go through." That's when I did the web search to see if anyone else had had problems with this phone number. This is a complaint! With my phone system I can block future calls, but I feel I've been exploited and that my privacy has been invaded.
That complaint made my three wasted minutes completely worthwhile.
President Ford's Artificial Leg Sold at Auction
New York (HJ) – In front of a busy Sunday saleroom and crowded telephone bank at Sotheby’s New York today, against a pre-sale estimate of US$300,000 - $450,000*, President Gerald Ford’s artificial leg was the subject of intense bidding between several American collectors and Scandinavian Royalty.
President Ford lost his leg in a boating accident in 1946. The loss of the limb was
kept secret from the public, especially during his political career. Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library and Museum historian Mary Hasston was at the auction and gave some insight into the history of the limb, “Many thought President Ford to be a clumsy person and those people might feel a bit silly knowing that the President wore an artificial leg. Mrs. Ford and I were the only people outside of the White House that knew of the limb.” She recalled, “He kept a bottle of Dewar's White Label Scotch Whiskey in a secret compartment of the leg. The half empty bottle was removed prior to the auction.”
Talking about the prices achieved today, Rufus Kessler, Sotheby’s International Head of Artificial Limbs, Eyes and Hair commented: “We’re greatly honored to have been given the opportunity to provide this rare item to our members. Hopefully someone will put it to good use.”
After an intense bidding battle between at least three bidders; it was eventually sold to an antiquities dealer from Pittsburgh, PA who asked to remain anonymous. Mr. Kyle Deeds did state for the record that he was going to turn the leg, “…into a lamp or a hat stand. I hated President Ford.” The final bid for the artificial leg was $1.3 million.
The price represents a new auction record for a Presidential artificial limb. Only one other Presidential Artificial Limb exists and that one is buried with President Gerald Ford.
* Pre-sale estimates do not include buyer’s premium or any disinfecting of the item
President Ford lost his leg in a boating accident in 1946. The loss of the limb was
kept secret from the public, especially during his political career. Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library and Museum historian Mary Hasston was at the auction and gave some insight into the history of the limb, “Many thought President Ford to be a clumsy person and those people might feel a bit silly knowing that the President wore an artificial leg. Mrs. Ford and I were the only people outside of the White House that knew of the limb.” She recalled, “He kept a bottle of Dewar's White Label Scotch Whiskey in a secret compartment of the leg. The half empty bottle was removed prior to the auction.”Talking about the prices achieved today, Rufus Kessler, Sotheby’s International Head of Artificial Limbs, Eyes and Hair commented: “We’re greatly honored to have been given the opportunity to provide this rare item to our members. Hopefully someone will put it to good use.”
After an intense bidding battle between at least three bidders; it was eventually sold to an antiquities dealer from Pittsburgh, PA who asked to remain anonymous. Mr. Kyle Deeds did state for the record that he was going to turn the leg, “…into a lamp or a hat stand. I hated President Ford.” The final bid for the artificial leg was $1.3 million.
The price represents a new auction record for a Presidential artificial limb. Only one other Presidential Artificial Limb exists and that one is buried with President Gerald Ford.
* Pre-sale estimates do not include buyer’s premium or any disinfecting of the item
Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?
Dear HolyJuan,
My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.
My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.
HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.
Senior Blanco
Dear Sr. Blanco,
Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.
I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.
What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.
This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)
My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.
My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.
HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.
Senior Blanco
Dear Sr. Blanco,
Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.
I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.
What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.
This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)
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